Saw his wedding photos

[Hopeful83]

So one thing led to another and tonight I caved and went on a common friend's FB page, and there they were - Mr (my ex) and Mrs Happy, all recently married in the unmistakable garb they wear in their culture when they get hitched.

Short summary for those who are unaware of my story: I was with my ex for three years, was planning marriage, a house, kids, the lot. He would tell me I was the love of his life, couldn't wait to grow old with me, you know all that jazz. He goes to his home country to get the paperwork he needed to move to my country, next thing I know he's telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore, and within weeks of me ending it with him he was engaged to someone else. WEEKS. I strongly suspect a combination of BPD traits and a family who were against him marrying a white woman are what did it. But it took me MONTHS to be able to see it even remotely subjectively... .and now this is definitely a set back.

I knew in my heart they were already married - I had weird dreams that were premonitions, and sure enough now that I see the photos I can confirm I had those dreams the days during which they were getting married. And yeah, they move fast over there - engagements are rarely anything over 8 months.

I hadn't been on any of their social media for all these months (since we broke up), so I'm high-fiving myself for that, because guess what - NOTHING good ever comes of it. I know some of you guys on here find it helps you but sadly I'm not one of those people. It stung, my heart was racing and I'm now mildly euphoric. All this time I've had friends telling me they look weird together and that he looks vacant, but when you're not fully detached you see what your heart sees - the man you loved marrying someone else.

I now totally regret looking at the photos, and, worst still, going back over all the pics I could find of him on the friend's page, as well as the new wife's (he's been blocked on my FB since I ended it). Big mistake.

I feel horrendous. It's early hours of the morning where I am and I am wide awake, just like I was all those months back when he first broke my heart and I then found out he was engaged.

What was I hoping to find from the photos? Proof that it's batsh*t crazy when I already know in my heart that it all is? I guess I need reminding that people only post the best stuff from their lives on social media, and a social media account is no true indication of how someone is doing. I mean, if you were to look at mine you'd think I'd had the most amazing eight months of my life travelling all over, but I know the pain I went through.

I don't know. It's going to be a long and horrible night. I didn't think I'd be back down here again - at the bottom, feeling like I never mattered. Feeling like I am so insignificant. Illness or not, family against us or not, he chose her.

Hopeful

[Hadlee]

I'm so sorry Hopeful

I did the same thing with mine, but I unblocked him as I had a "hunch".  Sure enough... .there they were plastered all over his page.  He and his new wife looked so happy.  It was horrid.  I actually tortured myself for a week by looking at them over and over again, I couldn't stop.  Then I pulled myself together and blocked him again.

At the time I regretted looking.  Now I'm happy I looked at it was like closure for me.  Nowadays I don't care at all.

Hugs to you

[Herodias]

It's like another knife in the heart. I'm getting used to it. I actually just got curious and found their baby registry... She was due on the 9th! I'm shocked there are no baby pictures as profile pictures yet! I'm gathering evidence for my divorce. I suppose she could deliver any time now- so this is something he actually didn't totally lie to me about. He said she was due in the middle of May- I feel for you. I expect mine to get married right after we divorce. I wish we didn't even care... I hear its because they move on so quickly and leave us while we were still attached. It's hard- but we need to remember what's coming for them. We've already been in that happy place- hang in there... .xo

[Hopeful83]

I'm so sorry Hopeful

I did the same thing with mine, but I unblocked him as I had a "hunch".  Sure enough... .there they were plastered all over his page.  He and his new wife looked so happy.  It was horrid.  I actually tortured myself for a week by looking at them over and over again, I couldn't stop.  Then I pulled myself together and blocked him again.

At the time I regretted looking.  Now I'm happy I looked at it was like closure for me.  Nowadays I don't care at all.

Hugs to you

I hope that I feel the same way after a few days. I haven't been back on and I have no intention of doing so, but I do feel like I'm back at square one in terms of my feelings. I wish I hadn't 'caved.'

Thanks for the   It's really needed today.

[Hopeful83]

It's like another knife in the heart. I'm getting used to it. I actually just got curious and found their baby registry... She was due on the 9th! I'm shocked there are no baby pictures as profile pictures yet! I'm gathering evidence for my divorce. I suppose she could deliver any time now- so this is something he actually didn't totally lie to me about. He said she was due in the middle of May- I feel for you. I expect mine to get married right after we divorce. I wish we didn't even care... I hear its because they move on so quickly and leave us while we were still attached. It's hard- but we need to remember what's coming for them. We've already been in that happy place- hang in there... .xo

It's horrible, not doing it again. Part of me did wonder if it would help or if I wouldn't care. Sadly, it really affected me. It's honestly like being back at day one today. xx

[once removed]

hopeful83 

do you feel like this made things even more real/final?

[gettingoverit]

Hello,

I don't really know all the details to your story, but from the bit that you have shared, is it a possibility that maybe your ex was already promised to someone else unbeknownst to you in the form of an arranged marriage? The only reason why I say this is because an acquaintance of mine had a very similar experience. Her bf at the time went home to work out some "details", then shortly after started dropping hints about wanting to stay there etc. until he finally ended it with her, yet was engaged and married almost immediately with someone else. Turns out, he had been promised to someone else back in India, but came to Canada to sow his wild oats as they say and really did a number on this woman. After she did some research and chatting with people in the Indian community, that kind of behaviour is apparently common. Who knew?

[Hopeful83]

hopeful83 

do you feel like this made things even more real/final?

Hi once removed,

To be honest it felt final from the minute I heard about the engagement. I know that in their culture calling off the engagement is seen as a 'bad' thing (family honour is at stake), so from that moment onwards I knew that it was all over with for good.

I think it's more the case of, they felt 'real' to me again - as in, all these months that I've stayed away from their social media I could almost kid myself that they no longer existed. When you see them in photos, though, you know that they're very much still around and living their lives. Hard to explain really... .

[Hopeful83]

Hello,

I don't really know all the details to your story, but from the bit that you have shared, is it a possibility that maybe your ex was already promised to someone else unbeknownst to you in the form of an arranged marriage? The only reason why I say this is because an acquaintance of mine had a very similar experience. Her bf at the time went home to work out some "details", then shortly after started dropping hints about wanting to stay there etc. until he finally ended it with her, yet was engaged and married almost immediately with someone else. Turns out, he had been promised to someone else back in India, but came to Canada to sow his wild oats as they say and really did a number on this woman. After she did some research and chatting with people in the Indian community, that kind of behaviour is apparently common. Who knew?

Hello gettingoverit,

Yes, it's very prevalent in certain cultures and I do think it's what may have happened here, too. I don't think he was promised to someone from the start; what I think happened is that his mum realised she had to up her game the minute he told her that he planned to marry me when he came to my home country. I also don't think it's any coincidence that from the minute he told her about his intentions she then started trying to postpone him from leaving his country with the lamest of excuses (like he should study for this certain exam and take it over there - an exam he planned on doing in my country anyway). Then, not long after this, the ex reentered the scene and the whole 'I don't know how I feel about you any more' crap kicked in... .after telling me how he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me just a couple of weeks previously. Lol... .(if I don't laugh, I'll cry, and I've done enough of that).

At the start I couldn't see past the craziness and just put it all down to BPD traits. With time, though, I started to see that my friends and family could have been right all along - it was an arranged marriage and I was pushed out. I guess they felt they had to arrange it with someone he at least had feelings for in the past in order to make it an attractive alternative to me.  

The world is a crazy place, my friends... .

[once removed]

for me it felt like my ex was a ghost, yet she walked, and it felt as if all memory of me had been erased from her mind (not exactly the case, but certainly how i felt). does that sound similar to what youre describing? its incredibly painful, i know  .

the reason i asked my original question, is that i wonder if the intense pain youre feeling also involved moving closer to the acceptance stage of grieving. in some cases, in some senses, things can get worse before they get better. i might be wrong; it might have just been an intensely triggering thing to see. but when you say "all these months that ive stayed away from their social media i could almost kid myself that they no longer existed", it sounds as if some aspects of the pain have been delayed or put on hold (it will still do a number on you, but perhaps not as intensely as seeing what you saw), perhaps until the day you were going to look?

[Hopeful83]

for me it felt like my ex was a ghost, yet she walked, and it felt as if all memory of me had been erased from her mind (not exactly the case, but certainly how i felt). does that sound similar to what youre describing? its incredibly painful, i know  .

the reason i asked my original question, is that i wonder if the intense pain youre feeling also involved moving closer to the acceptance stage of grieving. in some cases, in some senses, things can get worse before they get better. i might be wrong; it might have just been an intensely triggering thing to see. but when you say "all these months that ive stayed away from their social media i could almost kid myself that they no longer existed", it sounds as if some aspects of the pain have been delayed or put on hold (it will still do a number on you, but perhaps not as intensely as seeing what you saw), perhaps until the day you were going to look?

Thanks for the hug - always welcomed :-)

Yes, I think you may be right actually. I've felt better for the last couple of days, so maybe this is acceptance - it does feel a little different to how I felt before. And the pain has subsided, although there's a bit of residual anxiety.

The strange part is that after the initial sting of going through his social media, once I sat and analysed my feelings I realised that it wasn't the photos that hurt me - in fact, I realised looking at those brought out little to no reaction in me. It's hard to explain but there's something quite not right about the photos. The body language is off, there's no real joy there - things you'd expect to find in bucketfuls in someone's wedding photos. It's funny how through my pain even I could see that. In contrast, an ex colleague of mine from the same country got married just after my ex, and the photos exude joy. You feel it jump off the Facebook page and it made me feel so happy for her. With his there was NONE of that, because I know if there was I'd still feel devastated at the thought of what I saw. Again, hard to explain.

What bothered me and hurt the most was seeing how his life is moving on without me. I knew it was, but when you see evidence before your eyes - that he's posting photos and updates without me in them - it all becomes real. That you're no longer a part of their life and you will never do the things you did with that person together ever again. That's what stung, the finality of that life with him, and not the photos.

In that respect, I've realised it feels good. I always imagined the photos to be the most devastating thing I ever saw, which is why I avoided doing it. I thought I'd think "THAT SHOULD BE ME" and go to pieces. But it wasn't like that at. If that's the best they can do to look happy on their big day then they're certainly welcome to each other. I look forward to meeting the man who will make me exude joy on my wedding day, like my ex colleague did :-) I will not look like them two - unsure and awkward. No chemistry. Who wants that?

It's funny how much perspective a few days can bring, isn't it?

Hopeful

[once removed]

im glad youre feeling better since, Hopeful83. i think sometimes, even when we make what we feel like are mistakes, there can be a silver lining like you are describing. there are only so many "dos and donts". the first time i saw pictures, i had a similar reaction - i was a lot more put off than upset with what i saw. same when i read through old text messages. im not encouraging anyone to peek, or pour through relationship memorabilia, just that we are ultimately going to do what we are ultimately going to do, and sometimes there is that silver lining. its not always right or wrong.

and importantly, as you say, you sat and analyzed your feelings (mindfulness) and it sounds like you gained not only clarity, but you are imagining that brighter, healthier future.

i have no doubt that you will find it. youre doing great 

[Herodias]

Hopeful, that's how I feel... .he is moving on without me. My problem is that I seem to only recall the good times and not the bad. It's just "not fair" that they move on and are all in love with someone and we are sitting here lonely and can't get over it. It really bothers me that I can't get over it. I stayed so long because I am co-dependanat and here I am alone anyway... .I would rather be alone than be in a miserable abusive relationship that I am sure will be for them. I just don't feel very hopeful that I will meet anyone any time in the near future. It makes me feel like such a loser I guess. Unloved and lonely. That's what it comes down to. It's hard to look at their pictures and think wow, look at how happy they seem to be... .but we have to remember it is fake. It's just really really hard.

[love4meNOTu]

^^ awww Blue. You will find your joy again.

You know, even though I am in a good relationship now, it still has hardships. It's still so much work. I remember how lonely I was and contemplating my future without a partner and it was so depressing / debilitating. But the truth is I've grown so much now, that if my partner left me... I wouldn't become involved again. (The whole love yourself thing has really helped me, I literally used to hate myself).

I really wouldn't. I'm 46 and I think I've just had enough of romantic love, dating, etc. I've been doing it for 30 years!

I am dreaming right now about fixing up a little house just for me and having it perfect. Just the way I like it, and gardening and everything in the same spot as I left it...

It's just not scary anymore to imagine the future without a man. It's exciting!

[Hopeful83]

im glad youre feeling better since, Hopeful83. i think sometimes, even when we make what we feel like are mistakes, there can be a silver lining like you are describing. there are only so many "dos and donts". the first time i saw pictures, i had a similar reaction - i was a lot more put off than upset with what i saw. same when i read through old text messages. im not encouraging anyone to peek, or pour through relationship memorabilia, just that we are ultimately going to do what we are ultimately going to do, and sometimes there is that silver lining. its not always right or wrong.

and importantly, as you say, you sat and analyzed your feelings (mindfulness) and it sounds like you gained not only clarity, but you are imagining that brighter, healthier future.

i have no doubt that you will find it. youre doing great 

Thank you! Yes, you're totally right - I wouldn't advocate people go on their exes' social media, but if you do end up doing so, always find the silver lining. If you'd asked me five days ago if it was a good idea, I would have said NO because I felt awful. But today I think it has actually helped. I'm also wondering if the clarity I have is a sign of detachment? I don't think I would have been able to 'see' the photos so objectively if I wasn't detaching, but maybe I'm wrong.

My happiness doesn't depend on his misery or his relationship failing, but I did feel somewhat vindicated and validated by witnessing the photos first hand. 

And it's funny you should point out the mindfulness part; today I was thinking of how great it is that I've become so much more aware of my feelings and what they're actually telling me. It's enabling me to have better control over my subsequent actions.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful, that's how I feel... .he is moving on without me. My problem is that I seem to only recall the good times and not the bad. It's just "not fair" that they move on and are all in love with someone and we are sitting here lonely and can't get over it. It really bothers me that I can't get over it. I stayed so long because I am co-dependanat and here I am alone anyway... .I would rather be alone than be in a miserable abusive relationship that I am sure will be for them. I just don't feel very hopeful that I will meet anyone any time in the near future. It makes me feel like such a loser I guess. Unloved and lonely. That's what it comes down to. It's hard to look at their pictures and think wow, look at how happy they seem to be... .but we have to remember it is fake. It's just really really hard.

Oh I agree - it's not fair, at all. But really, try to look at it for what it is - they aren't capable of healthy relationships without therapy and a real desire to look within. If your partner didn't show a willingness to do it when you were together, there's little to no chance that he's doing anything to improve himself now.

You're not a loser; what you are feeling is totally natural. It does get better and easier. I'm almost a year out and I still suffer awful setbacks, but they only last a few days or even a few hours - unlike before when it would send me spiralling into a month-long mess.

It's funny - I don't 'see' my ex as happy in his photos anymore. I could be wrong, but I just don't see it. Wedding photos should exude joy and give you a warm fuzzy feeling. Theirs don't. I'm hoping this means I'm finally detaching.

Regardless, even if I felt he looked deliriously happy it wouldn't change anything. I don't know how things really are; I may find out the truth of the situation some day, I may not. But it no longer matters as much as it used to.

[Herodias]

I feel like when I see his pictures, I see a fake person. When we had pictures on Facebook we had the same smiles. I know how it really was at home. I also know the look I had on my face sometimes was a fake smile because he was acting so strange and he wanted me to smile anyway. I know he is all about getting attention and "likes" on Facebook, so I don't take it like he is so happy... .I agree with you there.

[once removed]

I'm also wondering if the clarity I have is a sign of detachment? I don't think I would have been able to 'see' the photos so objectively if I wasn't detaching, but maybe I'm wrong.

it sounds that way from my perspective. i think most of us find forms of testing our level of detachment - sometimes in going back to old haunts, or places our exes might be, sometimes in listening to certain songs, sometimes in getting back to hobbies or friends that went by the wayside, and for many of us, getting a picture/feel for their lives. it hurt, you sat with that hurt, you gained clarity from it, and youre feeling better. yes, that is detachment. just look to the right at the five stages

My happiness doesn't depend on his misery or his relationship failing, but I did feel somewhat vindicated and validated by witnessing the photos first hand. 

i think as a feeling person, thats a natural reaction. around six months out i learned that things were far more explosive than id imagined. i didnt take joy in that (i wouldnt have considered myself detached, but free of most of the emotional pain) but i dont think it would have been possible not to feel vindicated. vindication and validation are empowering, and facilitate resolve. its an important distinction you make though: if our exes went on to live the happiest life imaginable, it would be no reflection on us.

And it's funny you should point out the mindfulness part; today I was thinking of how great it is that I've become so much more aware of my feelings and what they're actually telling me. It's enabling me to have better control over my subsequent actions.

i dare say this skill will benefit you and all of your relationships of all kinds, for the rest of your life. the tools here do take practice, but they definitely work in all areas of your life. its inspiring to see it paying off for you

[Hopeful83]

I feel like when I see his pictures, I see a fake person. When we had pictures on Facebook we had the same smiles. I know how it really was at home. I also know the look I had on my face sometimes was a fake smile because he was acting so strange and he wanted me to smile anyway. I know he is all about getting attention and "likes" on Facebook, so I don't take it like he is so happy... .I agree with you there.

See, deep down you know. I think it takes time to be able to separate yourself from the pain, but hold onto that clarity as much as you can. I take it by fake you mean he isn't true to himself - in the long run, would you ever be happy with someone like that?

[Hopeful83]

it sounds that way from my perspective. i think most of us find forms of testing our level of detachment - sometimes in going back to old haunts, or places our exes might be, sometimes in listening to certain songs, sometimes in getting back to hobbies or friends that went by the wayside, and for many of us, getting a picture/feel for their lives. it hurt, you sat with that hurt, you gained clarity from it, and youre feeling better. yes, that is detachment. just look to the right at the five stages

i think as a feeling person, thats a natural reaction. around six months out i learned that things were far more explosive than id imagined. i didnt take joy in that (i wouldnt have considered myself detached, but free of most of the emotional pain) but i dont think it would have been possible not to feel vindicated. vindication and validation are empowering, and facilitate resolve. its an important distinction you make though: if our exes went on to live the happiest life imaginable, it would be no reflection on us.

i dare say this skill will benefit you and all of your relationships of all kinds, for the rest of your life. the tools here do take practice, but they definitely work in all areas of your life. its inspiring to see it paying off for you

Yeah, re detachment. I no longer live in the city in which we lived together, so I haven't really had many opportunities to test and see how I feel when exposed to certain triggers. I'm genuinely surprised, given how painful it was when I first went trawling through their SM accounts, that I've had this clarity about his photos. It feels nice. I certainly didn't feel this way after I'd seen the first ever photo they posted all those months back - I went to pieces, even though I remember him looking manic.

I hadn't noticed that information on detachment on the right! Now that I have, I do think I'm getting there :-) Which definitely feels good.

And yes, re vindication. The way my breakup went down was beyond craziness, like many other cases on here. I guess in some respects I'm quite surprised that I can see things for what they are instead of buying into a different, more damaging (to me) narrative. That's what I struggled with at the beginning - doubting myself and doubting my whole relationship. I still struggle at times, but deep down I've always known the truth and I've tried to hold onto that as much as I can despite both him AND his family trying to shove a different story down my throat.

I'm not going to lie; it's been a very difficult ten months.

Thank you for your kind words, once removed. Your questions and thoughtful responses always help me process things.