MY child has BPD

[Ladyofone]

Hello, I am the 65 year old mother of my 36 year old son who has BPD.  Anyone who has dealt with this on an ongoing basis knows the nightmare it can be.  I have been trying to cope with this with the help of my husband and my now deceased Mom for 18 years.  His symptoms did not manifest until he was in his first real relationship in High School.  He has been to jail, been in therapy, gone through Teen Challenge twice (a spiritually based program to help addicts) and on many medications over the years.  It's only been recently that we have come to realize he is not bi polar he is the text book case of someone with BPD.  He lives by panhandling wherever he happens to be, and has only had one job that lasted more than a few months in all these years.  He also cons people with bogus stories to get sympathy and money.  I took out my handgun last night with real thoughts of ending it, I have already had one nervous breakdown in 2006, lost my younger son to a drug overdose in Jan of 2014.  I am so tired of living in this nightmare of a life, I'm only coming here to find someone who truly understands and can help me to feel there is hope.  I am beyond overwhelmed. way way beyond that.  My younger son was only 27, I dont' think he had BPD but suffered with acute depression most of his adult life.  My living BPD son has been swimming in grief since this happened and has a relationship with a girl he has been with for 4 years, she is now seeing a therapist to help her cope with their on going war of love/hate control, and manipulation.  There is no hope as far as I can see, he is resistant to help, only wants to live as a victim and continue to be an emotional junkie.  I have given my all to him, often enabling him and feeling like I have no other choice, otherwise he will kill himself, which he threatens constantly.  We are retired senior citizens we don't have 40 or 50 thousand dollars to get him the help he needs, I've even written Dr. Phil, is there any help out there that doesn't cost a small fortune?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Ladyofone,

Who do you have in real life for support, a therapist or otherwise counselor? Losing one son must have been devastating, and you're triggered by your second son now. When you are feeling hopeless, his cries of hoplessness are a huge burden you don't need. Being BPD, he's focused on himself and likely won't  see it. Who else is there with you that you can talk with?

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi Ladyofone,

I am very sorry you are feeling this way. You've already lost one son which is a horrible thing for a parent to have to experience. Did you get any support back then from a therapist or counselor to help you deal with the loss of your younger son? We have some resources here aimed at helping people deal with the loss of loved ones through suicide:

Recovering from suicide loss

Your 36 year old son unfortunately is also exhibiting some concerning behavior. It is very unfortunate that he refuses to seek help. He also threatens to kill himself if you don't do what he wants, since you've already lost your other son in such a tragic manner I can imagine that these threats are particularly triggering. We also have some resources here that might help you better deal with his threats of suicide:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

You have been through a lot and I definitely understand how this could cause you to have these negative thoughts and feelings. You have come to the point that you yourself have had thoughts of taking your own life. This are very difficult thoughts to deal with. Is your husband aware that you are having these kind of thoughts? Does he know that you took out your handgun? I also encourage you to take a look at our workshop about depression and suicidal ideation:

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

There is still hope and I am very glad you reached out here for support and advice. BPD is a very challenging disorder, but the tools, lessons and resources on this site can potentially help you better deal with your son.

Take care as you deal with this difficult situation

[Bpd mother]

Hi ladyofone

I read your post about an hour ago and did not reply ,not because I do not care but because I was so moved by your pain that I did not know what to say. To lose one child to suicide is devastating and the fear of losing another must be so hard . I have a 36 year old daughter with BPD who is in crisis and suicidal but we are not allowed to contact her and so can do nothing.

Please keep posting on here and people who are more experienced and articulate than myself will help.you sound a kind and caring mother who has given her life to care for her sons now it's time to take care of yourself.

[livednlearned]

Hi ladyofone,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the grief you must feel. We do not stop being mothers and fathers no matter what age our children are and your instinct to help your son is still strong. Emotionally, he is still a child, trying to cope with an impulse-driven disorder that is too much for him to manage alone. My mother used to say to me in my own troubles that we are only as happy as our saddest child. My son first began talking about suicide when he was 8 and for all that I have been through, nothing was more painful than thinking I could do so little when he hurt so much.

I do remember reading here about a family that did not have the money for treatment, and vaguely remember a response talking about financial relief through the affordable care act. I will do some searching back through the threads to see if I can find it, and will share that message here.

Do you know the writer David Scheff? He wrote a book years ago called Beautiful Boy about his son's addiction to meth, about the tremendous toll it took on both of their lives. www.davidsheff.com/beautifulboy/

It may bring you comfort to read the words of someone who has watched his child disappear into drugs. I don't know that there is BPD involved, though the message of the book is how rescuing a child from addiction can become an addiction of its own.

We are here to walk alongside you, ladyofone. You are not alone. 

LnL

[saphirewidow]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and the struggles you are facing with your son.  I have also lost a son (age 10) and my mom.  I lost my husband (pwBPD) to suicide and now my 16 y/o son is struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation.  It really sucks.  His mood is all over the place and I feel like I am right there going up and down and all around with him. Sometimes the pain hits you so hard and the worry and anxiety you just don't know what to do.  I wish I could just check myself in to a psych hospital and not have to worry about anything sometimes.  But I think I would still worry about my kids.  As a mom we just can't help ourselves.  I hope you are in counseling or have someone you can talk to as I can see you are very stressed out. I am worried for you because the level of depression you are facing is leading you to suicidal thoughts yourself.  Please find someone to talk to about how depressed you are feeling and see if you can get some help.  I am trying to learn that I cannot control the thoughts and feelings of my son.  I may lose him one day to suicide.  I will do the best I can to help him, but I have to also find things in my life that I love and want to live for.  I can't allow him to dictate my happiness.  I can't allow fear for him to paralyze me.  We mommas of children suffering from BPD have to find more to life then the little circle and cycle of pain and drama and fear played out by our emotionally sick children.  I love my son to death... .I am so worried about him. I really understand how hard it is to let go of the pain and drama and worry.  Everytime my boy crashes I take the worry and sadness back and have to work on letting it go again.  I feel up and down and all around right along with him if I let myself.  I hope you have a good relationship with your husband.  Spend some time with him and work on letting go of your fear long enough to enjoy the positive relationship you do have.  Your husband is probably exhausted and worried and tired as well.  Plan something for just you two to enjoy together.  Hang in there.  You are worth something in and of yourself!  Please stay safe.  

[Ladyofone]

Hello Saphirewidow,

I hope I'm doing this right, I haven't learned all the technical stuff of how to use this forum.  Thank you for your reply.  I am sorry for your losses, I can relate to that kind of pain.  Nothing on earth is harder than losing your child.  I'm not in counseling right now, but I do intend to go back.  I so much want a therapist who can help me help him, I am so programmed through all of this to only care about him and his needs, I can't remember the last time I thought about my own needs.  It creates a co dependent relationship when someone depends on you for their very life.  That's how I feel anyway.  Then the resentment comes in and the cycle just repeats over and over.  My husband is the most wonderful man on earth, if I didn't have him I am certain I wouldn't be here right now.  I understand the worry you feel, I feel like I am in a tiny little boat on an ocean of sharks.  I would rather die myself than have to face the death of my only living child, that's how awful that kind of grief is.  I have spent the last two years reading about life after death and how awesome Heaven is.  To have no more fear would be Heaven to me.  I think I am just burned out, I think this site will be a great help and I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello Ladyofone,

I am so very glad that you are here with us and so sorry for the loss of your son and the worry and fear you are dealing with daily for your son who suffers with BPD and addiction.  

I am also glad to learn that you are going to seek out a therapist for personal support.  We can only give what we ourselves have.  Our children need us to be educated, strong, and balanced.  They need us to be a living/acting model of the highest level of skills to lead them, show them, and support them as they struggle to do the same.  That is what this site is all about Ladyofone, education, support, and learning the skills to cope with our children's disorder.  

This is a safe place where we understand your pain and your struggles that come with parenting an adult child who doesn't want help.  Even when our kids don't want change... .change comes because we change, when 50% of a relationship changes, the relationship changes.  There is support here for you to learn to take care of yourself, to learn about this disorder, and to improve the quality of your life.  We hope that you will embrace the site and continue to allow us to embrace you as part of our family.

lbj