Why

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After all these months, weekly therapy sessions, talks with people on this site, etc. do I still have feelings come back up when I see or hear my ex at work each day.

It's just frustrating and I'm having one of those days. I know she's bad for me. I know she's a wreck. And I know there is no future for us because that future would not be a good one and would end quickly.

A few months ago when we last texted she said she was "broken" and that I couldn't be her "savior." I told her I never wanted to be that. But whatever. it was typical BPD stuff from her. We've since gone NC, not even hellos in the office. And boy does she wear her mask well.

I just wish these feelings would hurry up and go away. for good.

thanks, just had to vent as i sit at my desk and try not to hear her (the new radiohead playing in my earbuds is helping).

[Anez]

After all these months, weekly therapy sessions, talks with people on this site, etc. do I still have feelings come back up when I see or hear my ex at work each day.

It's just frustrating and I'm having one of those days. I know she's bad for me. I know she's a wreck. And I know there is no future for us because that future would not be a good one and would end quickly.

A few months ago when we last texted she said she was "broken" and that I couldn't be her "savior." I told her I never wanted to be that. But whatever. it was typical BPD stuff from her. We've since gone NC, not even hellos in the office. And boy does she wear her mask well.

I just wish these feelings would hurry up and go away. for good.

thanks, just had to vent as i sit at my desk and try not to hear her (the new radiohead playing in my earbuds is helping).

[JerryRG]

Hey Anez

We have all been where you are, theses relationships take time to get through.

1. We basically feel in love with ourselves so we are losing us, how painful is that?

2. We became addicted to the pwBPD chaos, drama, excitement so we are withdrawing from this.

3. We allowed them to damage our cores so we have to recover from this too

4. The crazy things we seen with our own eyes yet we cannot wrap our minds around the irrationality of it all leaves us scratching our heads trying to figure out things that are beyond reason.

5. They move on and leave us or we leave them and we deal with the absence of the relationship even a sick rs is something.

I do hope you find peace Anez, you are not alone and keep sharing because you are helping others and maybe we can help you.

I'm new here so I'm still learning

[Anez]

thanks, Jerry, for your thoughtful reply. You're right on all counts.

it just stinks having days like this, doesn't it? And having to see her - from a distance - at work still is tough til this day. Never get involved with someone from work. it is not good!

i need to keep looking at her whole picture and what she did to me and how she left me and how she played a big part - as did I - in tearing apart my life for a bit. I was married when the BPD storm came to town and totally leveled everything in my life. I'm trying to rebuild my house from the foundation up and I think I'm doing a good job at it but it's taking some time.

Very thankful for this community. Thanks, all.

[troisette]

Thank you Jerry, that's a good precis - helpful.

Anez - I hope you've got the weekend off for some r&r, I sympathise with your situation. Working with a former ex is hard, harder when exBPD.

[Anez]

Thank you, Troisette.

Yea, it's very hard to work with them. It's like seeing a ghost every day. Someone you once knew really well (or thought you did, at least), had a lot of special times with, and now you don't even talk to them at all. Yet you see them and hear them. Oh, and that ghost has been on your mind way too much in the months after the breakup!

Good times!

[JQ]

Hey Anez,

From what I've read so far ... .you've been giving some reasons as to "WHY" and you have some ideas of your own as well. It's difficult to move forward as we've all experienced but it's a much needed part of the healing and getting to a better place.

SOO here's a couple of ideas to help with that. AS troisette as said, the weekend is here!  WOO HOO!      YOU need to get out if only for a few hours tonight and this weekend all together. 

Call a friend/buddy and meet up for a beer & a burger, salad & a glass of water ... .catch up, laugh, have a good time. Maybe go to a movie since there are a couple of new ones out there.

Get up early tomorrow morning and watch that sun come up while you're having a cup of coffee and really enjoy the moment!   Hell you know a friend you might want to enjoy it with ... .give them a call and make it happen.

Go to a ball game, a gun range, go fishing, farmers market (just for the fun of it after you watch the sun come up), comedy show, museum, art exhibit, a 5k run, volunteer at your local VA hospital or Fisher House, a concert, take a friend to some open houses just to see what's out there, bike ride, volunteer at your local animal shelter, Geocaching,

take a food group, a burger, taco's, pizza, micro-beer and take a friend or 2 or 3 and start your own search as to who has the best taco's, etc.

Ok, you have a couple of ideas there ... .       

It appears that you're at the point where you've accepted that your BPD has a VERY serious Mental Illness that you, me or anyone can't change or help with.  So NOW you to move forward but maybe need a little push from the group to get you out the door ... .           

So we've giving you the push ... .it's time to make the call, get out there and START enjoying YOUR life again!  This will help moving forward and get rid of those thoughts, emotions and frustrations your feeling right now.   

The ONLY limitations are the one's YOU put on YOURSELF!   I know you probably have seen this ... .but it's appropriate for this thread ... .and I think the timing is right to be directed at you ... .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

Today is your day!       

J    

[Anez]

Thanks, JQ. I appreciate it.

I've been doing a good job the past few months of getting out and enjoying myself with friends. Been cooking a lot. Been playing golf on weekends with friend. Have been dating a sane girl for the past month or so, too.

It's just times at work when I have to see or hear her where things come back to me. That's my big struggle. seeing the ghost.

overall I'm happy with how far I've come, there are just days at work where i'm like What the heck. But I gotta keep looking at her whole picture, not just the good times.

Working on it. thank you again for the reply.

have a good weekend, everyone.

[Dhand77]

thanks, Jerry, for your thoughtful reply. You're right on all counts.

it just stinks having days like this, doesn't it? And having to see her - from a distance - at work still is tough til this day. Never get involved with someone from work. it is not good!

i need to keep looking at her whole picture and what she did to me and how she left me and how she played a big part - as did I - in tearing apart my life for a bit. I was married when the BPD storm came to town and totally leveled everything in my life. I'm trying to rebuild my house from the foundation up and I think I'm doing a good job at it but it's taking some time.

Very thankful for this community. Thanks, all.

Hahaha. Yup. I'll never dip my pen in company ink again. Ya know, I always figured a work break up would be weird. I did NOT expect it to be anything like this. But I'll tell ya what, mine is with her 2nd replacement(this guy works there too)and I kinda feel bad for him, because he's dumb as bricks and a perfect target for her. Remember Anez, it is a mask. I can still see my ex's Spotify playlists and it's a super sad place to visit. The songs are all just sad "I screwed" up songs. Yet, at work, oh she's just prancing around with downgrade after downgrade. But when she's alone, the music she listen's to tells a different story, that she's broken. Lol. Only they'll never admit that to us.

Remember, it's just a mask. It's fake. They're incredibly broken people underneath. It's all smoke and mirrors. You'll get better, you'll be you again. She'll always be a smoke and mirrors show. Nothing more than a mask, a mirror of the next person she's glommed on to.

But yeah, this seeing them and hearing them day in and day out gets tiring, but it's all fake. What's helped me some, is I only refer to my ex by last name now. I seperates the two versions of who she was when I was with her and who she became. Plus, I know it'll irritate the crap out of her, if she ever attempts to recycle or re-engage. Lol.

Gotta stay painted black if ya don't wanna feel more of what we just went through!

[Anez]

Thanks, Dhand. You are right and I know it but man some days just hurt. I'm glad the week is over and I won't be in the office again until Tuesday.

She told me two months ago that I wouldn't know the current her because she was a mess and was broken. But yet the next day at work she was her normal self.

My close guy friends at work know what's going on and have stopped talking to her. And now she's glommed on to a new group of guys, no girls. They don't know the real her but I do and that prob scares her - knowing she let someone in behind the mask and that I know the real her. That has to bring shame to her BPD brain or maybe not, knowing how their brains work. The memories of me and her have prob been put in a compartment that has been stored away forever.

Let's give it up to Friday night!

[Dhand77]

Thanks, Dhand. You are right and I know it but man some days just hurt. I'm glad the week is over and I won't be in the office again until Tuesday.

She told me two months ago that I wouldn't know the current her because she was a mess and was broken. But yet the next day at work she was her normal self.

My close guy friends at work know what's going on and have stopped talking to her. And now she's glommed on to a new group of guys, no girls. They don't know the real her but I do and that prob scares her - knowing she let someone in behind the mask and that I know the real her. That has to bring shame to her BPD brain or maybe not, knowing how their brains work. The memories of me and her have prob been put in a compartment that has been stored away forever.

Let's give it up to Friday night!

I'm fairly certain I trigger anxiety in her, just as much as she triggers anxiety in me. The last time we were in really close proximity, she almost stepped into traffic. Lol. Ive been at my place for 13 years. She's only been there 4. So I know A LOT more people there than her. The people she's attached herself to have only been there for about 2 years. Probably so she can distort reality and play the victim with them and sell me as some kind of bad guy. Meanwhile, most of the building is well aware of what she did and her juvenile behavior these past few months. She's so desperate to make me jealous with downgrades that she doesn't realize she's just embarrassing herself.

It's all fake. A ruse. A sham. Deep down she's broken. She knows she's broken. We saw what was under the mask. So when I think of the good times with J. I quickly remind myself of V. the person she became and what she put me through and how I'll never allow someone to put me through that again. Mentally, I turned the tables, it's not her controlling the no contact, it's myself that is controlling the NC. When I made that realization, it helped me a great deal. I hope it helps you dude.

[Anez]

Thanks, Dhand. You are right.

Earlier today I was thinking of reaching out to her as I've had some really lonely days the past few days but I'm not gonna do it. That wouldn't help anything.

[JQ]

Hi Anez,

GREAT JOB on not reaching out to her!     You're absolutely right, NOTHING would be help by doing that.  When I'm in positions like that, I get on my bicycle & ride to get rid of some stress, anxiety and burn up some calories. I've gone for hikes, walks, runs,  I've reached out to a couple of friends & got caught up with them.  Before you know it any feelings of reaching to the BPD soon disappeared and I was in a much better place.

I put energy into NOT contacting her. I found that the energy that I've spent on doing that is FAAAAR less then the energy and anxiety I would have by contacting her.   

You're doing well, keep up the great job   

j