daughter in law has BPD

[bluebasil]

One of my three sons married a 30 year old woman who has been nothing but drama. She has said something hurtful to all of my family members and has ruined special holidays. My son and dil have twin two year old boys whom i love with all my heart but I am so sick of the drama that I'm thinking of giving up seeing the twins just to not deal with their crazy mother. She is an attention seeker who I think is even jealous of her own kids. She always says something rude to me when it's just her and I but when my son is around she acts really nice. I honestly can't stand the woman. My son has finds excuses for her behavior but he's a smart guy and I know he knows she has lot's of problems.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. It is tough to be in a family relationship with someone with BPD. However, there is a lot of helpful information on this board to help you with this, and to also make decisions for yourself and how much involvement you wish to have.

But from my own experience with BPD mom, I would say that it would help to understand this situation from a whole family perspective, because if you bring up an issue with her- if she gets any sense of it, it would likely affect your relationship with your son, grandkids, and future grandkids. Unless it is OK for you to not have a relationship with them at all for an indefinite time- maybe forever, please be cautious about this.

This does not mean you don't have boundaries or have to put up with all her behaviors-  but IMHO, before you say anything, please be aware of possible consequences. You have choices, but they are not easy ones. I think it would be helpful to learn about how to deal with drama, and reduce the effect it has on you. The lessons on the side of this page are a good place to start. In addition, you might consider counseling to help you understand and deal with this. You may wonder why- as you are not the problem, but when this becomes a problem for a family, counseling can help others learn to deal with the drama.

This is an often seen pattern: PwBPD often think in terms of black and white. You are on her side, or not. If she thinks you are not, she will paint you black to your son. He will then be put in the position of choosing her or you. He has a family, he married her. He will choose her.

You may not be able to believe that it is possible your own son who you raised and love would do that. I am asking you to believe it. My father's family did not like my mother from the get go. They hardly saw my father once he was married, or me and sibs as babies. I can not imagine how sad that made his family.

As an adult, when I set boundaries on my mother, she painted me black to him, he chose her over me.

Over his parents, his siblings, his children- he chose my mother. Not because any of us put him in this position. We don't think in these ways. It was her black and white thinking- and her "my side' or "their side" way of thinking that put them as a couple in this position.

Please read about the drama triangle. If you say anything negative to either of them, they will see you as the persecutor, the wife as the victim, and your son will be her rescuer- against you.

IMHO, do not say a word to either of them. Do not say a word about her to your son. Not because it isn't true, but because it doesn't work and triggers the triangle pattern. My father was a very smart man, he knew my mother had problems, I knew it too, but if I said anything this is what happened.

There is a bit of silver lining in this. Small children are cute and compliant, but older kids with a mind of their own can irritate a mother with BPD. My fathers family maintained contact with him- always- they loved him and were there as a support no matter what. My father had to do most of the parenting with us, but he also had to work. Summers and holidays made that a challenge- and so, we spent a lot of those times with his family while he stayed with our mom. We also got sent there during times when mom acted up. We developed our own relationship with them- we are emotionally closer to them than our own mother and they had a positive influence on us.

Although you are considering not seeing the twins because of their mother's behaviors, this isn't the twin's fault. Giving up a relationship with them because of her denies them the chance to know their grandmother. They won't be little forever, and there will come a time they can visit on their own. Although your son will not admit to any issues with his wife, he may need occasional help with the kids- providing an opportunity for you to have a relationship with them as individuals.

Don't try to rescue your son from his wife. He chose her, and from my perspective with my father, I would say my mother owned him- and he allowed that to happen. He was not a victim, she was his choice. She determined who he could have contact with. I hope this perspective helps you make your decisions with your own family.

[Notwendy]

I will add another experience of mine growing up. My mother's FOO is enmeshed with her, but my fathers' is not. Growing up, I didn't feel wanted or loved by my mother and my relationship with my father was contingent on being compliant with her. I did this, as I desperately didn't want to lose the love from the only parent I felt connected to. It is appalling that my mother's FOO knew of some of the abuse we endured, but they turned a blind eye to that, choosing denial.

My father's FOO were not in denial, which is why mom kept them at a distance. But even though we didn't spend a lot of time with them in comparison to our own home, the times we did were wonderful. They loved us unconditionally.

I am middle age now, and my father is deceased. He was really the only bridge between the families.  I still have contact with my mother, but almost little to none with her FOO. After the funeral, I didn't receive even a call or card from my mother's FOO to see how I was doing. Yet, it was my father's FOO who called, sent me mementos and pictures of them. This made such a difference. Also, my kids are more bonded to these relatives. We have visited them several times.

Those kids are not your responsibility, and neither did my father's family take on the task of raising us. But if you can love them unconditionally, you can have an impact on them, now and even for future generations. Sometimes entire families with BPD are dysfunctional. The non- partners family may have some issues too. However, if your son's family is the more emotionally stable one, they could be the family those kids are close to over time.

So, please, before you take away this possibility for the twins, learn as much as you can about how to relate to someone with BPD.

[bluebasil]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right about it being best to keep quiet for the twins sake.  I would do anything for them.

[Notwendy]

There are many resources on this board about dealing with family drama and how to not be as reactive to your DIL when she acts up. It can also help you realize if there are ways you are contributing/triggering it. This isn't because you are doing something wrong, but that seeing it from her perspective can help you understand the dynamics.


While it isn't good to WOE, you may still find yourself biting your tongue when she is around. You can still have some boundaries about your interactions with her. The visits may need to be shorter, or you may need to just excuse yourself and take a walk- or something to help you handle being stressed.

If she triggers you, it is an opportunity to look at your own triggers.

One example that I realized I was doing is that many things I say can be interpreted as criticism by someone with BPD. When I see this happening, I back off. Advice is one of them. Once I inadvertently advised my mother about something and it triggered her- she just over reacted to that. Before I understood the dynamics, I think I would have been angry too. But knowing that to her- it was a critical, invalidating insult- I was able to just let it go- with a reminder to self- that was not a good idea.

So, I hope that the resources here can help you with maintaining a relationship with your son's family.

[jdtm]

Our former DIL was uBPD.  The pain and hurt than can be inflicted upon the son's family is truly unbelievable.  Read and reread what Notwendy has written - it is very wise advice.  I learned too late that one "cannot reason with one who can not reason".  Our son did eventually divorce his first wife (actually she left him and abandoned her children).  Since then, we have been slowly rebuilding our "family" but it will always be fractured.

If I had the opportunity to "do it again", I would talk and converse with her but say "nothing" - you know - political speak - LOL.  I  would not expect her to understand me or "where I am coming from" - that takes empathy and a person with BPD does not have any.  I would realize that the main focus in her life was "her" and that everyone else is expendable (including her children).  Actually, I feel that extreme self-centeredness is at the core of a BPD.  And, I would realize that, in her eyes, I was always a "thorn" - something to get rid of (I knew her husband first).  It is what it is. 

What would I have gotten?  Well, a lot less pain and hurt and a closer relationship with our son (our grandchildren did gravitate toward us when their mother abandoned them).  Of course, they would not be present at any holidays (but one can always choose a date prior or after the holiday - usually a week or two distant).  I would have spent more time doing "fun" activities with others and less time crying alone. 

Another source you might consider would be the "medium chill".  This set of ideas helps one to interact without engaging or becoming involved.  As parents and grandparents, we should not have to do this, but sometimes - well, it is what it is.  So sorry - but you do have time to "save" the relationship with your son and grandchildren.  I wish you luck ... .

[Notwendy]

It is good to keep conversations light and not about emotionally charged topics. Trying to get her to understand how you feel doesn't usually work.

With my mother, I stick to light chatty topics. I keep her informed about what the kids are up to, but not personal information. Basically I only report things that I would not care if they were on the news. Also, mom usually repeats things to others. So, news like " child's soccer team won today!"  "Child is in a play at school" keeps her informed. As to between us, we might talk about a good book one of us read, or a movie, or some sort of topic we could share that is not emotional and not personal

Does your DIL have any interests? You may not like her, but to get along you might want to ask her things like did she see a movie she liked, or read a book, or something that can get her engaged but not lead to drama. You might say something like " I really like your shoes" or "those outfits you picked for the twins are cute"- some sort of compliment that can possibly still feel sincere to you.