Hi lonely_astro!
Thank you for your response.
I keep playing back all the memories back in my head and driving myself crazy. He constantly told me how much he loves me and that his love for me will never die. Why is that not enough for him to want to work for this? I'm so sad because I would have literally done anything for him. I did do anything for him! He told his mom that he doesn't want to lash out on me anymore but I just bring that behaviour out of him. Clearly I'm triggering something from his childhood. But he still isn't ready to get the help he needs and he needs to stop shifting the blame on our relationship.
It's been a week no contact and I can't stop thinking about what he is doing or how he is feeling. I blocked his number so I have no idea if he has tried to text. I know this sounds bad but I just want to know that he is hurting too. Like this relationship meant to him what I thought it did. I'm so sad.
Call me LA or Astro
Right now, as I said before, it's all still so raw for you. I was the same way as my r/s with J began to fail and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She knew she was destroying the r/s, she wanted to stop the destruction but couldn't. At least that's what she's told me. Since I work with her, I have to see her every working day. While I am practically NC, there are moments where we interact. Not long ago, we had to attend a conference together, so we had to spend the day 'together'. Yes, personal talk happened. NC is to protect yourself, not to punish them. It's a way for you to clear out the FOG and it's not a rigid thing. It's like a diet. Sometimes you cheat (you know, eat that burger you know you shouldn't have) but you pick back up and go on. Talking to J on a personal level after a few months of NC didn't directly derail my healing, but the emotions of it all isn't fresh for me. She said a lot of confusing things to me during that conversation, which shows me how damaged she really is.
So why were you not enough, you ask? You were. You were everything to him. He loved you with every fiber of his being, right up until he didn't. Each BPD is different, even if they share common traits. Some will turn off a r/s like a light switch. Others will push/pull to the point of exhaustion to the other person, resulting in that person leaving. Typically, these types of r/s follow a cycle: seducer, clinger, hater. During the first two, life is awesome. Beyond awesome. But once the hater arrives, the r/s is going to end. This cycle is never ending for them. And you can be subjected to recycle attempts (make up / breakup) during all of this.
BPDs have no solid sense of self. They get that sense by being with people. They are you because they feel you'll reject them if they aren't. Plus, they see you as 'perfect'. You're the answer to their loneliness. When, of course, you make a mistake, you're no long that perfect being... .you must be damaged too. So they'll start to devalue you. Now with all that said, there are other factors in play as well. Rarely is someone "just BPD". There are other issues that co exist and it's not uncommon to see a BPD display other cluster b disorder traits. J is a classic example of this. She is dBPD, but she often showed (and shows) N traits. She manipulates, lies, abuses, and uses others for gain/amusement. She's the most dangerous of the lot because of that, in my opinion. Is she always like that? No. When she dysregulates though... .all bets are off.
So. To sum all that up. The r/s was real. It did mean something to him. But it wasn't healthy. He NEEDED you to love him. And yes, he loved you to the best of his ability. But he was broken long before you and he will be broken long after you. The only recognized therapy that shows 'promising' results for BPs is DBT. Even it is debated in the field as to whether or not it is successful. That all comes down to how the word 'success' is defined. The more higher functioning the BP, the less 'successfull' DBT. Those that have went through it, according to studies, it's (at best) 50/50 whether they are managed. Yes, managed. Once someone has been diagnosed as BP, there's no cure. It can be managed, but not cured. This is also debated (cure v managed), but the information seems to lean more toward 'managed' than 'cured'. While those completing DBT may not meet the criteria for BP according to the DSM, they can be triggered again under the correct stressors, thus where 'managed' takes root over 'cured'. DBT takes YEARS to complete as well. During that time, the BP is still engaging in the negative behaviors that drive their partners away.
I know it's tough to see right now, but you will be ok. You will get past these feelings, in time. You will see how much more vibrant life is on the other side when you don't have to walk on eggshells. In the mean time, read the lessons here. Also read about trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement.
Keep healing!
