Agent Provocateur

[fedup66]

For me one of the most devastating behaviors of my partner is the way she provokes me then when I react and get angry she says I'm grumpy then to cap it all says that she's not having sex with me until I'm not grumpy. How's that for a catch 22 situation?

And of course her constant need to blame for things I haven't done or have done like this morning when she said "the cat comb has disappeared in an accusing tone" then 2 minutes later she finds it!

In addition she has OCD which she translates as being a perfectionist and is proud of it and frequently calls me a filthy pig because as she sees it I haven't cleaned the kitchen to her standards which involves spending about half an hour each morning cleaning the work surfaces (kitchen is only small 10'x10' with bleach!

Her first husband committed suicide - she says he was unstable but admits they argued a lot and her second she claims was unstable too, became an alcoholic and on one occasion tried to strangle her - something I'm trying my best not to do.

Of course to the outside world she's very polite to extremes and whilst she seems to need the approval of others she doesn't seem to need mine at all!

She also has a memory like an elephant for instances where she felt let down by me and accuses me of letting her down by not keeping her secure - i.e. we have heavy debts but doesn't recognise that she is partly responsible for them because of her spending compulsion and expects me to make more money to resolve the problem because the man is the breadwinner. 

What on earth can I do to get off this roller coaster ride into madness?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello fedup66,

I'm glad you are here looking for answers regarding how to get off the rollercoaster of emotional reactions and find ways to stop the cycle of conflict.

It can be maddening and confusing for us "nons" because we can't make sense of the demands and accusations so we feel we must defend ourselves.  As you have discovered, this only adds to the conflict and leaves us feeling even more frustrated.

You say your gf has been diagnosed OCD.  Has she been diagnosed with BPD as well?  Is she in therapy?  

Learning what needs her behaviors meet for her is helpful.  Have you learned much about BPD?  That would be a good place to start.  Believe it or not, their maddening behaviors do serve a purpose for them.  You can begin to get a handle on this by reading the Lessons to the right of the page.  As we gain understanding we can begin to take back the power we give away when we are reactionary rather than thoughtfully responsive.  

As is the slogan around here "Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse."  Is it fair that we are the ones that must change to make it better?  No, and the sad truth is none of this is fair. The good news is that it can get better and you can be happier in your relationship.  Your goal to get off the rollercoaster is an achievable goal and we are here to help you learn how and support you as you do it.

lbj

[sempervivum]

What on earth can I do to get off this roller coaster ride into madness?

From me to you, from a person who still finds herself on this rollercoaster, but who discovered that getting off = detaching, is not lethal:

Don´t be afraid to turn your back on her, to leave the room, to nurture yourself. If you can, accept the madness as only hers, but not yours to live through. Go step by step, but respect yourself!