my mother is really ill and I can't help her

[kayjee]

Hello, I've just signed up here, I'm absolutely desperate to be able to write down what's happening and to get some feedback as to whether I'm doing the right things.

While this is about my mother I need to add that I had severe BPD (I have issues with the label but don't dispute the symptoms exist but I'll use BPD/borderline because it's easier) and it's only luck that I'm still alive. For all practical purposes it's not an issue in my life anymore except certain symptoms still resurface temporarily under severe stress. I'm not in treatment or on medication because I don't need to be. So I know all about the illness from the inside as well as an outside observer.

My mother has never been formally diagnosed but I knew many years ago that she certainly had some of the traits which I also observed in my grandmother, so clearly a genetic influence going on there. But over the last few years since she retired (she's just turned 70) she's developed very obvious depression, anxiety, extreme overeating and after what I witnessed this week spending a few days visiting, I'm absolutely certain she'd be formally diagnosable. Most notably the black and white thinking, the suddenly turning on her best friend/housemate, the melodramatics, the "splitting" (is that term still used? It's 30 yrs since I was dxd) and some pretty rapid emotional shifts. It's hard to totally explain in writing but from reading some of the posts here I know you get the idea.

Her friend is a total nervous wreck and on the verge of walking out and quite honestly, I won't blame her in the least if she does. The constant criticism I was observing was incredible. I was always on the receiving end of subtle criticisms/guilt tripping but nothing to this extreme. It's been going on for a while but getting a lot worse. I live a plane trip away so don't see them in person very often but every time I do she's just worse. I had a long talk to her friend (who is aware of my past) and she was begging me to tell her what to do. All I could say was look after yourself. There's no point trying to reason with her- in her mind, she's right, you're wrong, end of story. You have to walk away when she blows because if there's noone around to have a temper tantrum in front of then it'll stop. But you can't take care of her. That's what I remember from my time on the "inside" of BPD, so to speak, does that sound right? I told her about the titles of the early books "Stop walking on eggshells" and "I hate you don't leave me" which sum up a lot of the experience for both parties.

She asked if she should tell my mom outright that she was borderline and I said don't even try unless you want to end up being screamed at. She'll never admit to it even though she probably realizes. She knew how I was of course, but also worked in mental health services for many years so had a fair bit of experience. I think she knows she's depressed because she takes St John's Wort, which is better than nothing, but I know she needs medication and that's not something I would say lightly. And it's not something that's ever going to happen because she'd never take psych drugs voluntarily.

I've had to learn to walk away when I pick up on her getting hyperemotional, and just not get involved in any disputes going on between her and her friend. Otherwise I'm dragged into it all and my stress levels go through the roof. A long time ago I limited my stays with her to 4 days maximum because it was too exhausting doing the eggshells thing for any longer. And also censor what I say because I know the subjects that will set of criticism. But of course I am the last person on earth in a position to judge or criticize, and and I also know this isn't her fault.

But what on earth can I do, or suggest her housemate do? She's not self harming so won't come to the attention of mental health services, and is incredibly high functioning and can put on a great act when necessary. She won't voluntarily seek help and I don't think she's got a clue just how close she is to losing her best friend and long time housemate.

I've been really pretty low since arriving home from this visit because I know she's suffering badly and I genuinely know how she's feeling. But she has to be the one who asks for help, and if she doesn't, then what?

And finally, I've no experience of untreated BPD- how common is it for previously mild symptoms to become full-blown in later life, or maybe with retirement there isn't the regular distraction to keep things in check?

Thanks for reading. Any feedback greatly appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi kayjee

Thanks for introducing yourself to us. I have an undiagnozed BPD mother myself and know how extremely difficult this can be. The term 'splitting' is definitely still being used and one of the BPD behaviors I personally found the most difficult to deal with, especially before I knew about BPD.

You currently aren't living with your mother, but every time you visit you witness just how disordered she is. Unfortunately her behavior seems to be getting worse. You are concerned about your mom and her best friend and longtime housemate. Her housemate is aware that your mom likely has BPD and you mentioned several books to her about the subject. Advising her to educate herself is a good move I think. Since she is living with your mom, she could benefit from the communication techniques described on this site such as validation, S.E.T., D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and material we have here about ending the cycle of conflict. You have a lot of experience but perhaps you can still benefit from these resources too.

Your mother's housemate is an adult and ultimately responsible for her own choices. So is your mother. You aren't responsible for solving their problems, you can be caring but it is important not to lose sight of your own needs and well-being. It becomes clear from your post that this situation is taking it's toll on you and that last visit really affected you.

You've been through a lot yourself and come a long way No matter the label you received, the fact that you acknowledged your issues, sought helped and worked very hard to heal and grow, definitely sets you apart from your mother.

You say your mother's symptoms are getting worse and mention her retirement. Looking back would you say her retirement was the turning point in her behavior, was that the moment things started getting worse? People with BPD often struggle very much with intimacy and close relationships. Now that your mother is retired and spends more time with her housemate, perhaps this is the reason her behavior seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Do you think that might be what is triggering your mother?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[kayjee]

You say your mother's symptoms are getting worse and mention her retirement. Looking back would you say her retirement was the turning point in her behavior, was that the moment things started getting worse? People with BPD often struggle very much with intimacy and close relationships. Now that your mother is retired and spends more time with her housemate, perhaps this is the reason her behavior seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Do you think that might be what is triggering your mother?

HI Board parrot, thanks for your reply. This is a very good point you make about my mom spending more time with her housemate, it certainly makes a lot of sense and the time frame fits. They're both retired and do spend a lot of time together. I'm very familiar with the intimacy & close relationship problems that go with the illness, been there done that. The "I hate you don't leave me" is now so painfully obvious. The only reason her friend hasn't walked out is financial, ie she literally can't afford to.

I really don't think my mother is even aware of how her behavior is affecting her friend. Not condoning it at all, but from what I remember I wasn't able to take responsibility for something I didn't understand or realize I was doing. Once I was in a position to have it explained to me and understand my actions then things where able to slowly change. So if no one is able to even get this through to her, and for her to acknowledge it, then what?

[Kwamina]

Hi again

I really don't think my mother is even aware of how her behavior is affecting her friend. Not condoning it at all, but from what I remember I wasn't able to take responsibility for something I didn't understand or realize I was doing. Once I was in a position to have it explained to me and understand my actions then things where able to slowly change. So if no one is able to even get this through to her, and for her to acknowledge it, then what?

It is unfortunate that your mother is not aware of how her behavior is affecting her friend. Whether she is aware or not though, I think the most important thing is to set and enforce/defend boundaries with your mother. This is something your friend would have to do herself of course. The communication techniques can also help as they minimize the likelihood of further conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. The techniques can also help us stay more calm ourselves. There is no guarantee of success of course, but I believe the communication techniques and setting boundaries can potentially help. Perhaps this is something you/your mother's friend could try to explore.