Turning a corner...and realising there's more

[harleyquinn]

So I left my partner who I suspect has BPD 6 weeks ago. He's now in a new relationship which he said was to get over me. I've hit a point where anytime he reaches out at me I firmly bat him back after receiving a particularly nasty text on Monday and now I'll never trust anything he tells me.

I feel like there are two parts to me now. One one side I'm educating myself. Trying to move on. Understanding that I tried and made the best decision for me. But then there's the other side... .I just feel jealous that he's in a new relationship (I tried dating last week but it made me feel worse) and worthless that I got replaced so quickly. And I just feel low, yes there were bad parts and a lot of emotional abuse and anticipating those times was sending me on a downward spiral but I would give anything just to have those good moments back.

I'm sorry for sounding self pitying but I didn't know where else to go. I never wanted this. All I wanted to do was love him and for the abusive side to stop. I just want this pain to stop... .

[Dhand77]

So I left my partner who I suspect has BPD 6 weeks ago. He's now in a new relationship which he said was to get over me. I've hit a point where anytime he reaches out at me I firmly bat him back after receiving a particularly nasty text on Monday and now I'll never trust anything he tells me.

I feel like there are two parts to me now. One one side I'm educating myself. Trying to move on. Understanding that I tried and made the best decision for me. But then there's the other side... .I just feel jealous that he's in a new relationship (I tried dating last week but it made me feel worse) and worthless that I got replaced so quickly. And I just feel low, yes there were bad parts and a lot of emotional abuse and anticipating those times was sending me on a downward spiral but I would give anything just to have those good moments back.

I'm sorry for sounding self pitying but I didn't know where else to go. I never wanted this. All I wanted to do was love him and for the abusive side to stop. I just want this pain to stop... .

Don't forget Harley, you're AWESOME. One thing I learned about post break up with my exBPDgf, is how easily we forget how awesome we are because of the way they rebound out of the relationship. That's just their defense mechanism at work, it's not something that defines who you are. Remember, you're an awesome little lady and your ex can't take that away from you.

[C.Stein]

It will take a while to process all of this.  Take the time you need to heal, don't jump into another relationship until you are ready.  It won't help you heal, all it will do is allow you to bury emotions that you need to process and work through.

I also want the pain to go away.  I want to stop thinking about my ex nearly every waking moment.  Not really sure why I am still feeling this way either.  I got replaced about 3 months prior to being thrown away like trash.  It hurts bad, a gut wrenching, soul ripping kinda pain, and absolutely does make you feel worthless and insignificant.  

We have to remember we are not defined by what our exs (or anyone) think of us or by what they did/do to us.

It is so very hard to reconcile the good and the bad.  The good is so good that it is very easy to let it soften or even nullify the bad in your mind.   The thing is, the emotional damage is done and it never really heals before the next bad thing that happens deepens the wound.  Your downward spiral is understandable, I experienced it too.  I withdrew little by little without even realizing I was doing it ... .and it continued until I was completely numb.

You want to believe in the good, that the good can prevail but it can't.  The borderline side of your ex will always be there, subtly (or not so subtly) impacting your ex's thought processes and behavior.  I know how hard it is to accept this, I still struggle with acceptance myself.  

Eventually you (and I) will find a way to reintegrate the side of your ex that you fell in love with and the borderline side that destroyed you into a whole person again.  Once you can see him as a whole and accept this is who he is it will be much easier for you to let him go.

My heart goes out to you HQ.  

[JerryRG]

HQ 

You are not alone, we've all endured the nightmare of BPD. Pain tells us something is wrong so we can fix it and heal to be well again. I'm not sure pwBPD ever heal because they jump right into a new relationship. Maybe that is part of why the next relationship fails?

Take your time and allow life to return to you.

[cherryblossom]

Im in similar boat i got replaced - I felt humiliated, ashamed, worthless but on otherhand am getting stronger, healthier and happy. Its a strange mix. I still love him though and silly moments where im on my own like when sat in my car after parking ready to go indoors i'll just sit and procrastinate over it all and crave him coming back to me even after all he's done. The analagy/metaphor of recovering from some sort of drug addiction really seems to fit well for this experience - if I read the side effects on the label would I have still taken it? Xxx

[JerryRG]

Lol cherryblossom

Generic Name:

PWBPD

Use extreme caution while in these relationships (drug) and beware of contact with skin. Wash exposed areas and call 911. Use caution while operating dangerous machinery or driving. May cause drowsiness and depression and fatigue and thoughts of suicide have also been reported while in these relationships. (Drug)

Lol, I could go on but you get the point, add to this warning label if you want. Have to laugh

[cherryblossom]

  jerry rg

Yes but what would the positive effects be? Because we wouldn't have taken it otherwise! What were we trying to cure/heal? Xxx

Used for - deep cleansing/awakening the soul - not for the faint hearted! Not suitable for those with heart conditions. If not used as directed can cause serious damage.

Proceed with caution - temporary feelings of euphoria and pleasant sense of wellbeing  - duration / frequency varies - only in extremely rare cases can be reinforced frequently

WARNING: stop taking at first signs of inner turmoil and distress

Common undesirable side effects:

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

Palpitations

Shame

Embarrassment

Excessive rumination

Rapid and unpredictable emotional changes



   -what u think jerry it could go on!

[cherryblossom]

Also yes - highly addictive! Use with extreme caution

[JerryRG]

Lmao right!

This deserves it's own thread, those are great cherryblossom

Still laughing at your post... . 

[harleyquinn]

Haha thank you for your messages. And huge hugs for all of the pain you guys are feeling 

A BPD relationship definitely comes with a huge side effect of rumination. Just wish there was a scrubbing brush to totally scrub the pain away... .

[C.Stein]

A BPD relationship definitely comes with a huge side effect of rumination. Just wish there was a scrubbing brush to totally scrub the pain away... .

I'll order 100 of those, plus 100 of the rumination scrub brushes.

[cherryblossom]

Yeah the bloody rumination brushes would b amazing right now - so stupid it's thd worst side effect - i keep imagining that he's thinking he has made a terrible mistake and is going to find a way of getting in touch with me to apologise and rejoin band - get lots of support and help and start looking on the bright side of life... .He really was my soulmate sometimes it feels il never b able shake that sense---brushes needed!

[Teereese]

  Harley

There is more. I am recently divorced from BPD and every day, I feel more alive. I am working my way back to the true me that I lost along the way.

The break up and divorce was tough but worth it, every stage, every emotion, the whole process.

Jerry, cherry and C crack me up. We have to laugh and see some comedy in our tragedies.