General question--when do they stop seeking litigation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Or do they ever? 

Is it their way to keep engaging you, or will they stop when they stop getting any results they want in the court setting?

What has been your experience?

[sanemom]

Or do they ever? 

Is it their way to keep engaging you, or will they stop when they stop getting any results they want in the court setting?

What has been your experience?

[Nope]

You will see different answers to this question across the board. It's very different depending on the BPD. Ours used to threaten court all of the time. She is very entitled and will tell anyone who will listen exactly what she feels she should be getting that she doesn't. However, she hates court. She has never filed anything and would never spend her own money on an L to do so.

That being said, she also can't compromise at all because it feels like losing. So she was able to find an L that didn't care about anything but getting BPDm what she wanted and that actually helped cost her custody. It's always DH and I pushing court to make our lives and the kid's lives more liveable.

You're biggest problem is that she has continued to reap rewards for her bad behavior. Once that stops she may stop. If I remember correctly the youngest is 15? That should mean only three more years no matter how aggressive she wants to be. She seems like someone who won't know what to do with herself when the youngest ages out.

[sanemom]

You will see different answers to this question across the board. It's very different depending on the BPD. Ours used to threaten court all of the time. She is very entitled and will tell anyone who will listen exactly what she feels she should be getting that she doesn't. However, she hates court. She has never filed anything and would never spend her own money on an L to do so.

That being said, she also can't compromise at all because it feels like losing. So she was able to find an L that didn't care about anything but getting BPDm what she wanted and that actually helped cost her custody. It's always DH and I pushing court to make our lives and the kid's lives more liveable.

You're biggest problem is that she has continued to reap rewards for her bad behavior. Once that stops she may stop. If I remember correctly the youngest is 15? That should mean only three more years no matter how aggressive she wants to be. She seems like someone who won't know what to do with herself when the youngest ages out.

And what has she done since she lost custody?  How does she create chaos now?

Yes, and he is almost 16.  I just found out that BPD mom has found another victim to possibly help fund her (a man with money she is dating that on outside appearances seems to be a lot like DH).  She has no money on her own; she just manages to find people to feel sorry for her and help pay for her.  Fortunately, the judge is already onto her.  If he doesn't follow through with what he said (she has literally not followed ANY of his orders), we have to be done for our sanity.  Of course, she forced us in last time with the false CPS allegations so I am sure she can figure something out again.

I don't think she will have a CLUE what to do with herself when the oldest ages out--kind of makes me nervous, actually, since she always seems to come up with something.

I am also wondering overall--I mean, if the court system actually gave them consequences for contempt and lying, would that be a deterrent for any of them?  

[justaboutdone]

This thread poses a great question. I am curious for more answers also and what others have experienced. She had probably threatened court action with her lawyer over 50 times and so far she has only acted twice on those threats. So I mostly disregard her threats but I always worry a little that this time she might be serious about her threat. 

[Panda39]

Hi Sanemom,

This something I just posted on another thread but it related to your question also...

... .my SO's daughters (D19 & D15) are older and still low contact with their mom.  But both have voted with their feet as ForeverDad has said before.  Both girls live full-time with their dad and have for the last year and a half.

But is uBPDmom putting up a fight?  Taking Dad to court for visitation with D15? No.  Not because she wouldn't want to have custody or visitation but because she has boxed herself into a corner.  Does she really want to go to court and explain 3 evictions, putting D19 in $15,000 in debt because she promised to pay for private college and didn't, sending D15 to camp in Wisconsin only camp was not paid for and stranding her there, and she is now on probation for 2 years for fraud... .

Panda39

All has been pretty quiet for us in part because the kids have put up boundaries around their mom, and partly because for the last year and a half mom has been focused on her fraud case. Hoping it stays quiet.

[NorthernGirl]

This is a question very much on my mind as well. In DH's case, his ex (uBPD) will have the ability to keep going after DH because their youngest requires a guardian likely for life because of his special needs. And issues with or changes in guardianship go to court.

DH recently was awarded sole guardianship of SS21. As of the Friday deadline, his ex has agreed not to appeal and has agreed to pay some costs. As much as we feel relief, I just can't see her giving up. As the mother of SS21, she can raise concerns about his care in the court system at any point. So I am trying to figure out how to minimize the chance of another hearing. DH's lawyer wrote in an agreement that uBPD signed that she only needed to pay 'costs' if she wants to take DH to court in the future. She wrote a cheque immediately.

Her past actions would indicate she will go silent for awhile and then come back at DH again in the future. Even though she didn't do well in court, she has been telling her sons that she lost and 'a great injustice has been done'. She tells SS21 that the reason DH got guardianship was because he lied.

UBPD is in the process of moving away to live near her parents, no doubt because she 'lost' the fight. I don't see this as permanent given her past. Even with all uBPD's craziness in court, the judge said that technically she was eligible to be SS21's guardian. She just wasn't deemed to be the best guardian at this point.

But it is unclear if or when her next fight will begin.

[david]

I got 50/50 about three years ago. Ex viewed it as a "win" for me after a series of smaller "wins". That seemed to have stopped her. I still get emails threatening to take me back to court for various perceived wrongs but nothing came of any of them. I believe once she stopped getting rewarded for going to court she lost interest.

[ForeverDad]

My ex felt in control when we separated.  She was arrested and so of course she made allegations to make me experience it as well, but that didn't happen.  She was able to quickly get temp custody and majority time.

At the end of the 2 year divorce we settled for equal time Shared Parenting (subtly pushed by all the professionals) with me as Residential parent for School Purposes (my line in the sand).  She was still just as entitled.

Three years later when I became Legal Custodian the GAL hoped her keeping equal time and getting child support would deflate the conflict.  She was still just as entitled.

Nearly 3 more years (8 years after separation) and I was able to gain majority time during the school year.  That, and an order that for the first time didn't dance around the behaviors and bluntly lambasted her "disparagement of father" finally deflated her entitlement.  She still is permanently angry with me, I suspect I'm still blocked on emails (since separation in early Nov 2005) and she only responds to texts.  She recently told me she doesn't want letters when I tried to talk about vacation notices.  Occasionally I get claims she'll take me to court if I don't do it her way but so far nothing.

In the early years our son always wanted more time with me.  He would come running to me and then go back dragging his feet or in fits of crying and begging.  Over time that moderated, I always assumed he got used to going back and forth.  When there was a possibility I might get majority time, when he was 9 going on 10, she convinced him that equal time was what he wanted.  However, looking back, I don't believe she was that determined to 'alienate' him from me.  Maybe she wasn't that crafty?  Maybe she didn't know how?  He tells me now and then that she hates me, more often than he says she's crazy.

[Thunderstruck]

You will see different answers to this question across the board. It's very different depending on the BPD. Ours used to threaten court all of the time. She is very entitled and will tell anyone who will listen exactly what she feels she should be getting that she doesn't. However, she hates court. She has never filed anything and would never spend her own money on an L to do so.

That's our uBPDbm. She will pull all the punches outside of the court room, because she can manipulate everyone else. She doesn't care if she damages SD11 as long as she "wins". It's like playing a game of chicken, except only SD11 gets hurt... .and we always back off. So we're the ones that take it to the court. Many times she will back down and agree to our proposals just before a court hearing so she can avoid going in front of a judge.

Someone I work with told me about their DH's xwife... .she sounds like she might have a PD. Their grown ADULT daughter got cancer and went to Houston for treatment. xwife took the free room and stayed during treatment, I think she bought a new car too. Dad had to rent a room when he was there so didn't stay as long. Dad would fly back and forth and flew all daughter's friends to Houston for support. When it was all over, xwife sued Dad for support (of a grown adult daughter) asking for Dad to pay xwife's expenses while she was in Houston because she was the "primary caretaker" and blah blah blah. He ended up having to give her like $15k.   

[Nope]

And what has she done since she lost custody?  How does she create chaos now?

I don't think she will have a CLUE what to do with herself when the oldest ages out--kind of makes me nervous, actually, since she always seems to come up with something.

I am also wondering overall--I mean, if the court system actually gave them consequences for contempt and lying, would that be a deterrent for any of them? 

Now she creates chaos the only way that is left to her. She gets three court mandated phone calls per week at specific times. The order says that the magistrate expects her to be flexible about the call times with respect to the kid's activity schedules. The order also says that we need to be flexible with respect to her work schedule. The way this actually plays out is that every time we have to change either an individual call time (due to a specific one time event) or change the call times all together for an ongoing activity (spring sports practices, etc) it turns into World War III. The kids will be 12 and 13 by the end of the summer and there is no reason they can't call her when they choose or she can't call them when she chooses. Especially since the court order also mandates that she can call whenever she wants up to one phone call per day and can also text daily, so I don't so much see the point of then adding three mandated calls to that. Though she never calls outside of those mandated call times she does text with them occasionally. DH and I feel that the kids are old enough to take over coordinating responsibilities.

I think it's a separate and almost unrelated question to wonder if consequences have an impact on their behavior. In my case the uBPDm had her children moved three states away, was called out by several professionals who said she shouldn't have custody, and the final order called her a liar, said she puts her own wants before the welfare of the children, and said she needed to get counseling immediately. Yet in her most recent raging email she said that she parents just as well as DH does and the only difference is that he has more money. Now, I don't know if she actually even believes that but she will act as though that is the truth, despite many hours of testimony and written statements saying otherwise.