Internet stalking from a BPD view

[Dhand77]

Despite blocking her on all social media, I believe my ex is finding a way to maintain tabs on me on FB. My friends on there that have her as friend like to joke that EVERY time I change my profile pic, she changes her's either the same day or the day after. When I got new glasses, 2 days later, she had new glasses. Most recently I added a black & white pic of myself, yesterday I learned, the day after I did that, guess who added a B&W pic of themselves? So yeah, she is definitely stalking the crap out of me online.

It's kind of really creepy. Almost like she's still trying to mirror me. I have a feeling that it bugs the crap out of her that I've actually started to realize that I'm happier being away from her negativity and not feeling sorry for myself anymore and it's been showing in my pics.

Something similar is happening to me too.  I believe the recent increase in "stalking" is due to the fact I have really moved on with my life.  I've moved in another direction - am happy, healthy and living life to the max.  I suspect it may come down to them feeling like they are losing control, or losing the attachment, which they must always maintain even if we have been discarded.

Yes. Exactly this. Her ex-husband spiraled into drugs following the collapse of their marriage, he stalked her, he fell for her games. I honestly think she expected me to react in similar fashion. She underestimated me. She didn't realize that I was intelligent enough to use this as a learning experience. To use it as a clean slate to make me a better person and NOT fall into a pity party of substance abuse to get over it. Now that control over me is slipping through her fingers. Sure, the first few months were tough, but I've got my mojo back and it's reflected in my pictures. So, I think she maintains the attachment through mirroring me on FB. It's like the more time that passes from the break up, the better I feel, the more desperate they become to maintain the attachment and control.

[Hadlee]

It's like the more time that passes from the break up, the better I feel, the more desperate they become to maintain the attachment and control.

Funny because that's the conclusion I came to yesterday

[Dhand77]

folks, at what point does this become us monitoring our exes monitoring us? at what point is the pot calling the kettle black?

when we block them, but continue to monitor their online activity, analyze profile pictures, and see them as confirmation, while we advertise to them how much happier we are without them in our profile pictures, chat about it with our friends, then we come here and call them stalkers, things are getting pretty convoluted, no?

it was about a month or two after my breakup that i realized my ex was getting into the email attached to my facebook and reading messages sent to me. it took a long time for me to change my password, because the truth is i was very much getting something out of knowing she was looking, and my wishful thinking that she was still attached, was in fact, keeping me very much attached. one of the emotionally hardest parts of my recovery was changing my password; when i no longer knew for myself that she was checking, accepted that things were over, and began to detach, i went into a pretty deep depression.

i get it. its confusing behavior, a conflicting message of leave me alone while i watch you (which is a message some of us are sending as well). so what do we do about it? if we dont like it, we can block, not peek ourselves, remove our social media presence, etc. or we can accept that our exes are monitoring us, and what that means to us if anything.

no one on reddit or elsewhere can tell us what is in our exes heads. over generalizing about our exes as a group, trying to determine their motivations as a group, will not end the confusion or get anyone anywhere. neither will clinging to our exes online activity or projecting what might be in their heads.

I agree with this completely. At what point is it the pot calling the kettle black?

For myself, I don't look. No good can come out of looking and by not looking I decrease the attachment. Now, when my friends bring up her "mirroring" via Facebook, it's done in a very lighthearted fashion. Joking about it helps with the detachment, but it does not compell me to look at her pages. I have no desire to, because it's self destructive.

No, I can't figure out what is in my ex's head, nor will I ever. But through educating myself about BPD, I can have a generalized theory about what's going on in her head. Especially, when I apply what I've learned into the demise of her previous relationship. It clearly makes sense, that because I'm not feeding into her drama it bugs her on a subconscious level, that I'm not reacting the way her ex-husband did.

Her actions have shown a bit of desperation to make me jealous, since I see her almost daily at work. This particular replacement was chosen because of my dislike for him. It's a desperate attempt to make me jealous, but she doesn't understand that it makes me feel embarrassed for her, not jealous. I'm not jealous of this replacement, I pity him. She's only using him for her little games, the same way she used me to make her ex-hubby jealous.

Even with crazy people, you can still apply logic, only you have to twist and warp it a bit, to match their twisted and warped thinking. But you can start to predict some of their actions because so many stories about BPD's follow a template. It comes down to control. That's about the only thing they are consistent about, control.

For me, not looking is the way to go. But I do want to understand just what happened. What will happen and how can I prevent it from happening in the future.

[Dhand77]

It's like the more time that passes from the break up, the better I feel, the more desperate they become to maintain the attachment and control.

Funny because that's the conclusion I came to yesterday

BusyGall,

I really don't think they ever truly want to let us go. Even if they were the ones to discard. They NEED a tether to us, in some form or fashion. I spent 4 years with mine. Even in a normal relationship, it would be hard to let go. But for them, when the relationship was based around controlling us, and we find ourselves free of that control. Their passive aggressive nature becomes very aggressive. We are almost possessions to them, not people. Even when they find a replacement, they still spend a great deal of time discussing us with their replacement. When we actively choose to detach, they become more desperate to maintain a tether, to maintain some type of control over is.

[once removed]

"they"

there are more than a few exceptions to the behavior you describe. my ex did not spend a great deal of time discussing her ex(es) with me, that would have pushed me away quickly. and there are plenty who never hear or see a peep from their exes ever again.

you may well be right about your exes motivations, you know her better than anyone here. lets not forget however, that our experience is limited to one (usually undiagnosed) person and that borderline personality disorder effects 17 million in the US.

thats the inherent risk of using others as a proxy for our exes, or our exes as a proxy for someone elses.

[GreenEyedMonster]

As far as I know, I am painted the blackest black. 

So why is my ex showing up at an event where he MUST know I will be?  Same time, same place.  I DO NOT want to see him.  Why?  Just when I thought his cyber stalking had ended . . .

I have come to expect this sort of thing, but still, it's really irritating.

[sweet tooth]

As far as I know, I am painted the blackest black. 

So why is my ex showing up at an event where he MUST know I will be?  Same time, same place.  I DO NOT want to see him.  Why?  Just when I thought his cyber stalking had ended . . .

I have come to expect this sort of thing, but still, it's really irritating.

That is an interesting question. Did he approach you?

[GreenEyedMonster]

As far as I know, I am painted the blackest black. 

So why is my ex showing up at an event where he MUST know I will be?  Same time, same place.  I DO NOT want to see him.  Why?  Just when I thought his cyber stalking had ended . . .

I have come to expect this sort of thing, but still, it's really irritating.

That is an interesting question. Did he approach you?

No.  The event is in June.  But he's signed up to go, apparently knowing I will be there.

[sweet tooth]

As far as I know, I am painted the blackest black. 

So why is my ex showing up at an event where he MUST know I will be?  Same time, same place.  I DO NOT want to see him.  Why?  Just when I thought his cyber stalking had ended . . .

I have come to expect this sort of thing, but still, it's really irritating.

That is an interesting question. Did he approach you?

No.  The event is in June.  But he's signed up to go, apparently knowing I will be there.

So what are you going to do? What kind of an event?

[GreenEyedMonster]

As far as I know, I am painted the blackest black. 

So why is my ex showing up at an event where he MUST know I will be?  Same time, same place.  I DO NOT want to see him.  Why?  Just when I thought his cyber stalking had ended . . .

I have come to expect this sort of thing, but still, it's really irritating.

That is an interesting question. Did he approach you?

No.  The event is in June.  But he's signed up to go, apparently knowing I will be there.

So what are you going to do? What kind of an event?

It's a city festival.  I am going with friends.  He is going with other friends.  Both of our groups are meeting there at exactly the same time.

I am bringing my new body builder guy.   

[Peterpan]

I must admit to peeking often though I can't see anything.

Both he and his wife deactivated their accounts ( there is still a msge from his account in my in box claiming to be from his wife) and a msge request from her a month before from her own which I never accepted.

His message when I click it shows ' page not available'... .deactivated then.

I know he has another account, totally private, no pictures or friends showing, but his phone number links me directly to it and I could msge if I wanted to ( I don't) he obviously doesn't realise I know this.

I have a public business page on mine which every couple of weeks since I ended it, has had two he views at the same time, always when I know he would have normally contacted me.

I don't know if that new account is actually new, or if he had it before in secret.

It does mean though that although I can't see him, he can still look at mine which is visible but private.

I've gone nuts wondering if he does or not but he does, or at least did have stalking tendencies.

Is it likely to be him?

[Ahoy]

I have zero social media. Its a trigger because that's how I found out I was being cheated on.

Regardless of this fact, i will continue to have zero social media until I am 100% detached. NO GOOD COMES FROM THIS. Why would you shoot yourself in the foot with a shotgun right before your 5KM fun run?

[sweet tooth]

I must admit to peeking often though I can't see anything.

Both he and his wife deactivated their accounts ( there is still a msge from his account in my in box claiming to be from his wife) and a msge request from her a month before from her own which I never accepted.

His message when I click it shows ' page not available'... .deactivated then.

I know he has another account, totally private, no pictures or friends showing, but his phone number links me directly to it and I could msge if I wanted to ( I don't) he obviously doesn't realise I know this.

I have a public business page on mine which every couple of weeks since I ended it, has had two he views at the same time, always when I know he would have normally contacted me.

I don't know if that new account is actually new, or if he had it before in secret.

It does mean though that although I can't see him, he can still look at mine which is visible but private.

I've gone nuts wondering if he does or not but he does, or at least did have stalking tendencies.

Is it likely to be him?

I, too, wonder if my person looks at my page through her deactivated account. She has insomnia. I can picture her reactivating it in the middle of the night when she knows I'm asleep. She also has stalking tendencies. I caught her redhanded viewing my LinkedIn page several days in a row until she wised up and changed her settings.

She used to call her ex-husband to "say goodnight to their kid" in my presence. He would either hang up or just put the phone to the kid's ear. He eventually deactivated his number without telling her, which makes me think that she harassed him.

[Dutched]

I understand the topic and what is said and the sometimes horrible unpredictable sneaky and triggering events with an ex pwBPD. And undoubtedly it can.

The link provided as by the OP indeed gives a inside view, an inside view of which we in fact were fully aware of.

Keeping that attachment alive in the brain,  same as stories of holding on to and box old belongings of their previous r/s.

To which extend are we doing the same?

Many, many samples can be found on the board in which ‘keeping track’ of the ex is described (as ‘ex blocked me on FB!’, ‘I had a peek and now feeling awful!’, ‘ex posted a picture with replacement!’ etc. )I respectfully ask how to classify ‘us’?

I think once removed made an excellent point:

folks, at what point does this become us monitoring our exes monitoring us? at what point is the pot calling the kettle black?

when we block them, but continue to monitor their online activity, analyze profile pictures, and see them as confirmation, while we advertise to them how much happier we are without them in our profile pictures, chat about it with our friends, then we come here and call them stalkers, things are getting pretty convoluted, no?

Don't you think?

BorisAcusio gave an excellent comment too.

According to a study, 88 percent of lovers follow their exes around on Facebook after break up.

Not merely did the vast majority stalk, but 70 percent admitted to using a mutual friend's profile or even logging in as that mutual friend to do their stalking.

Is that not painful enough for you? Well, 74 percent crept around the profile of their ex's new partner or someone they feared might be their ex's new partner.

Please don't think of these people as victims of love. For 31 percent admitted to posting pictures to try and make their exes jealous -- on the presumably logical assumption that their ex would be stalking them too.

www.cnet.com/news/88-percent-stalk-their-exes-on-facebook/

[shatra]

Once removed wrote---

more importantly, as much as we want answers, "these people" are not proxies for our exes and as such cant provide reliable insight into their heads.

----The forum is for those of us who were involved with "these people"---it's not a forum for relationships in general, but specifically for those involved with pwBPD.  And in my experience, plus what I've seen on these boards and in the literature, there are very definite patterns and traits (even beyond the DSM V) that pwBPD have.  Noone is calling them proxies.  I have found very reliable insight into the mind/actions of pwBPD through this board, through reading other peoples' experiences with them, and through talking to my pwBPD/seeing their actions, which  definitely reflect the actions of other pwBPD.  And yes, pwBPD seem to do a lot more internet stalking than peoplw without the disorder

[sweet tooth]

After reading this thread I've come to a conclusion:

The BPD is typically obsessed with the codependent. They cyberstalk because of this, even after discarding them.

The codependent is obsessed with the BPD's obsession, and receive validation from the cyberstalking.

BPD and codependency are attachment disorders. Neither party knows how to address the issue (obsession) in a healthy way, so the cycle continues. Two healthy individuals would discuss the situation like adults.

[balletomane]

Once removed wrote---

more importantly, as much as we want answers, "these people" are not proxies for our exes and as such cant provide reliable insight into their heads.

----The forum is for those of us who were involved with "these people"---it's not a forum for relationships in general, but specifically for those involved with pwBPD.  And in my experience, plus what I've seen on these boards and in the literature, there are very definite patterns and traits (even beyond the DSM V) that pwBPD have.  Noone is calling them proxies.  I have found very reliable insight into the mind/actions of pwBPD through this board, through reading other peoples' experiences with them, and through talking to my pwBPD/seeing their actions, which  definitely reflect the actions of other pwBPD.  And yes, pwBPD seem to do a lot more internet stalking than peoplw without the disorder

If we look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD, they are very broad. 'Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment', for example, could take many different shapes. So while it's accurate to say that people with BPD have abandonment fears, it is not accurate to say, "This blogger with BPD said she cheated because of her abandonment issues, so it just shows what cheaters these people are!" That's how abandonment fears manifest in some people, but not for all.

Sometimes on this forum people seem keen to match up their experiences to the tiniest detail and to generalise from very small things. They will ask questions like "What do people with BPD mean when they say X?", as though there is just one answer. I understand that, because I also find it very comforting when someone shares a story that is identical to what happened with me and my ex. The similarities are comforting. But this need for comfort and affirmation and the knowledge that we aren't alone can lead us to see similarities where they don't exist, and to make everything that happened in the relationship and after it about our exes' BPD - the BPD that the ex may not even have. Let's face it, many posters on here have diagnosed their exes on the basis of Internet information. That doesn't bother me, because whether their exes really have BPD or are subclinical or have something else entirely, anyone who comes to bpdfamily is in pain after a destructive relationship and looking for support. That need is legitimate and real even if the diagnosis isn't quite right. But it does mean that it's unwise to generalise about BPD based on a sample of one, especially if that person had no diagnosis.

[hurting300]

After reading this thread I've come to a conclusion:

The BPD is typically obsessed with the codependent. They cyberstalk because of this, even after discarding them.

The codependent is obsessed with the BPD's obsession, and receive validation from the cyberstalking.

BPD and codependency are attachment disorders. Neither party knows how to address the issue (obsession) in a healthy way, so the cycle continues. Two healthy individuals would discuss the situation like adults.

Yes! This is written so well. Yes I do get validated by it.

[Turkish]

2 years, 7 months after I blocked her, and 2 years 3 months after she moved out, I got a FB friend request from her last week. I deactivated my old account a year ago due to an unrelated matter, so she's no longer blocked. I checked her profile twice. Narc-y, silly memes. I didn't respond to her request. I've seen her and talked since (we're co-parents). She hasn't said anything, and neither have I. Other than liking the BPDF FB page, I have nothing to hide. I'm friends with one of her siblings again now. She can "stalk" me if she wants to if she asks him to look (she used to on my old profile with another sibling). I'm not going to triangulate by asking him to forbid her.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have reached a point where I don't find the stalking validating at all.  I am glad that it has mostly stopped.  My ex posted on a message board (that he knows I can see) that he got a new job and that seems to be taking up the majority of his time now.  Just as well.  I mostly try to keep track of him so that I can avoid accidental encounters.  For example, he signed up to go to a city festival downtown that I'm going to attend.  Now I can at least stay home if I want to be sure I don't see him.