Getting away with murder...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How do you deal with most people thinking they are happy and normal, when you know that they abused you and treated you terribly. It makes me feel like I am the crazy one for talking about it. I am really having a problem with that today. I feel like people don't believe me. My family and his family know the truth and I suppose that is all that matters. People that really know me believe me... .I guess it doesn't matter what people around him think, but it's very upsetting... .Like a murderer who gets away with killing someone and only a few people know the truth. Do any of you feel that way? I suppose they eventually get found out.

[Herodias]

How do you deal with most people thinking they are happy and normal, when you know that they abused you and treated you terribly. It makes me feel like I am the crazy one for talking about it. I am really having a problem with that today. I feel like people don't believe me. My family and his family know the truth and I suppose that is all that matters. People that really know me believe me... .I guess it doesn't matter what people around him think, but it's very upsetting... .Like a murderer who gets away with killing someone and only a few people know the truth. Do any of you feel that way? I suppose they eventually get found out.

[Jazzy]

 I can totally relate to that... .most people think my BPDex is an absolute  angel who would never hurt a fly. I thought that way about him too ... .till  I saw what a mean , selfish person he actually was  and how he destroyed me completely without any remorse or guilt.Those who know him( other than the ones  he has been in intimate relations with ) would never ever   believe what an evil person hides behind that mask... .for the world he is the sweetest , gentlest person one could ever come across.

[Ahoy]

Yeah I can relate, it's frustrating because I know her friends are some of the most lovely, genuine people i have ever met. I enjoyed their company and I was looking forward to moving interstate with them in 2 years and having my future kids play with their kids (I planned giant BBQ's in my head!)

Thanks to a smear campaign I heard about from her one family member that see's through her crap, I know I am labelled an out of control abusive person and likely thought of that by all of them. All these nice people think I'm a monster and I have no way to counter that without seeming like a crazy, vindictive ex.

More and more I find myself thinking that life is just too damn short to be stressing about things that are out of your control. This is advice I try to follow (unsuccessfully last week when I got unpleasant news about our divorce proceedings).

My point is, I just used the reference in another post of a BPD  without attachment as being a little boat lost at sea in a storm. Well I think the same thing applies to us too, just our sea is the chaos/trauma/ruminations/lies/betrayal. Except unlike our BPD, our rudder works a little, we might not have much control, but we can steer it a little away from the worst parts of the storm.

I'm steering my tiny little boat away from parts of the storm I can't control, I still get sucked in a lot, but when I steer my (thoughts) out of this, I feel less stressed, more aware of my destiny.

Don't get me wrong for a second though, I want my wife's house of cards to come tumbling down around her. This is where my anger manifests and I frankly don't care. When I no longer care about her and her silly cards, then I know I will have finally broken free.

[Herodias]

"My point is, I just used the reference in another post of a BPD  without attachment as being a little boat lost at sea in a storm. Well I think the same thing applies to us too, just our sea is the chaos/trauma/ruminations/lies/betrayal. Except unlike our BPD, our rudder works a little, we might not have much control, but we can steer it a little away from the worst parts of the storm.

I'm steering my tiny little boat away from parts of the storm I can't control, I still get sucked in a lot, but when I steer my (thoughts) out of this, I feel less stressed, more aware of my destiny.

Don't get me wrong for a second though, I want my wife's house of cards to come tumbling down around her. This is where my anger manifests and I frankly don't care. When I no longer care about her and her silly cards, then I know I will have finally broken free."


Great analogy... .I am trying to break free too. Now that I know his ass child is born I feel like karma will take over for them in due time. I am ready to be divorced and sail away from that nightmare of a storm!

[SoMadSoSad]

I dont think I will ever be able to understand how they move on with the replacement so easily and fast and never look back. Now they are happy and nothing seems wrong at all. Looks like the replacement succeeded where I didn't and I feel like I was the fool. I just dont know how you guys get through the pain of seeing the on you love move on happily.

[JerryRG]

In my case 98% of the people who know my exgf or get to know her including her family know she's plastic, fake and shallow. She isn't happy and never will be until she discovers the real issues that cause her life to be a wreck. Her personality disorder blinds her reality so she's stumbling through life in fear and hopelessness just like a lost child in the dark.

This is why she needed so much attention and could never be alone. Relationships are their only saving grace, but as we know the most important relationship is with ourselves and if this isn't healthy and we do indeed hate and loth ourselves as pwBPD do they will never find anyone that can fill that void for very long.

I'm finally able to be alone again and love myself, this is priceless. My ex looked around for 5 minutes, latched on to the first guy she seen and created the perfect relationship in her mind and his. Built on lies and her delusions how long can this last?

My sponsor told me if I can't stand being alone it's probably the company I'm keeping.

I'm enjoying my alone time and the peace from all the insane stressful drama and chaos I endured way too long. She's going to drive everyone and anyone else up the tree as well.

Just wait... .

As you've all heard, they never change

One more thing

Let's give ourselves the one thing we deserve and the one thing they could never give because they are broken... .

LOVE OURSELVES unconditionally

[Ahoy]

I dont think I will ever be able to understand how they move on with the replacement so easily and fast and never look back. Now they are happy and nothing seems wrong at all. Looks like the replacement succeeded where I didn't and I feel like I was the fool. I just dont know how you guys get through the pain of seeing the on you love move on happily.

I think the only way to get through the pain is to have faith in the knowledge we have learned about this disorder. We always have to keep in mind that when dealing with un-diagnosed BPD's, the results are 100/100 that the relationship will be just as abusive as yours. BPD's are NOT happy (long term) they are fantastic at portraying this happy/carefree existence to others

Maybe the trap for us is if our replacement stands the test of time it reflects poorly on us (ego hit). I worry about this as well, it shouldn't concern us, I'm trying (and often failing) to not think about it.

Say your replacement hangs in there for a while, yes they might actually have more in common, or 'click' a lot better, but these relationships still follow the rules of idealization/devaluation/discarding.  Using our knowledge of BPD what does this also tell us? It is far more likely he is more accommodating to her MANY needs and wants. We might have stood out ground, dug our heels in and paid the BPD (iron) price of an early exit.

I don't wish my replacement ill, as much as I would love to hear about my wife's new relationship falling over, from a healing and NC perspective, the longer it lasts, the more I can heal away from her chaos/drama.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thought I'd share this from the Lessons section:

PERSPECTIVES: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.msg732928#msg732928

Are you comfortable with the amount and type of thinking your mind is doing regarding your ex?

Do you feel your thoughts of him are helping you to detach and move forward with your healing journey?

[Hadlee]

Now that I know his ass child is born

Eeeek!  Don't lower yourself at this time, Blue.  Plenty of children are born out of wedlock, myself included.  Being labeled a "ass" is a little offensive.  Just sayin'

[Herodias]

Sorry busygall, I don't mean to offend anyone... .it's coming from my anger at them for cheating on their spouses and my being still married to him.  Remember, I just got done watching The Tudors,   -I loved that little history lesson by the way- King Henry was never happy wife after wife either... .Jerry, you are correct- we need to love ourselves. I agree Ahoy, they do go through a pattern and we don't know how long it will take. It does make us feel like somehow this person fits with them better- Mine actually said that to me! Yet, he convinced me we fit very well too-Ridiculous.   I have had a rough day of tears again... .

[Hadlee]

Sorry busygall, I don't mean to offend anyone... .it's coming from my anger at them for cheating on their spouses and my being still married to him.  Remember, I just got done watching The Tudors,   -I loved that little history lesson by the way- King Henry was never happy wife after wife either... .Jerry, you are correct- we need to love ourselves. I agree Ahoy, they do go through a pattern and we don't know how long it will take. It does make us feel like somehow this person fits with them better- Mine actually said that to me! Yet, he convinced me we fit very well too-Ridiculous.   I have had a rough day of tears again... .

No problem, Blue

I understand you are hurting and angry.  Try not to let the anger turn you bitter.  Use that anger to drive a path to a better life; a life free of pain

[Ahoy]

Now that I know his ass child is born

Eeeek!  :)on't lower yourself at this time, Blue.  Plenty of children are born out of wedlock, myself included.  Being labeled a "ass" is a little offensive.  Just sayin'

"Good, good. Let the hate flow through you."

[Moselle]

I don't wish my replacement ill, as much as I would love to hear about my wife's new relationship falling over, from a healing and NC perspective, the longer it lasts, the more I can heal away from her chaos/drama.

Thanks for this perspective Ahoy. In a way there can be gratitude that I am no longer her primary attachment 

Someone shared something with me the other day which is powerful. When someone does something bad to us. "Ask the Lord or our higher power to forgive them and to confound any further evil they my be plotting against you" What this in fact does is take it out of our sphere of control and we hand it to a higher power (this is 3rd of 12 steps at CODA). It can lighten the burden of distraction, which it is. Any time spent ruminating about them, their, drama, issues is in fact a distraction from our lives and is central to their strategy of controlling our lives.

The more we spend our time on our thoughts, feelings, activities, attitudes, the more effective and healthier we become.

[Dutched]

Herodias.

People really, really don’t understand what is living with a partner with BPD/NPD (traits)

The closest they come is to wonder about our stories, when lucky, some kind of validation.

As experienced, some wonder why I stayed for 30+ yrs. Even when I told them there were kids too whom I deeply loved and about parental responsibilities, one wonders and bluntly ask: kids will survive so I would have been gone.

People in general, don’t know anymore how to respond to a death. It seems that even condolences are a formality, for them live go’s on. Not realising the grieve not realising that the one who mourns needs a shoulder. A little shoulder only by just asking now and then and give a listening ear.

Until, all until they grieve for a loss, then you are the one that needs to understand them…

Sometime using a sample to explain matters helps, then you see an AHA moment.

I used the following example (as I did to exHFBPDw once):

two people have a big quarrel (imagine the ones you had... .)

one (the BPD) grabs a knife and stabs the other person.

Q: who is ‘most likely’ guilty, the one with the knife or ?

A normal people: the one with the knife of course, he/she stabbed, couldn’t control him/herself!

A exHFBPDW:  you, as you made me do it but you will never understand!

What I am trying to say is that most of us on this Board are emotional sensitive. Have a more that average emotional memory which haunt and haunts us in trying to explain, to rationalize and that keeps us wondering how another human being is capable for causing that much damage.

More, just continue as if nothing happened, as it was all justified and putting up the nice mask again.

We unfortunately know it is a mask, history will repeat, and as ‘they’ are hollow inside ‘they’ are sentenced for life in search of that perfect Disney fairytale. Continue to cause damage, ruining others live again.

[Moselle]

I've realised that they do get way with murder. Every day, they get away with it. There are many, including my (old)self who will follow the BPD pied pieper. They have their following, so what they do works for them. This is why Borderline is so difficult to treat. The payoffs are too big, and they just get away with most it.

Lets face it. Without one or two years of education to the ways of Borderline, we would be none the wiser. Well, the general population never put in that 1 or two years of work to understand.

[Hadlee]

I've realised that they do get way with murder. Every day, they get away with it. There are many, including my (old)self who will follow the BPD pied pieper. They have their following, so what they do works for them. This is why Borderline is so difficult to treat. The payoffs are too big, and they just get away with most it.

Lets face it. Without one or two years of education to the ways of Borderline, we would be none the wiser. Well, the general population never put in that 1 or two years of work to understand.

I completely agree with this. 

Whilst I know very little of what my ex is up to these days, I do know about my former friend with BPD.  I highly doubt anyone that has come in contact with her is aware of the extent of her issues.  I'm one of those people that has to find the answers to everything   So I search and search and search until I find them.

[Moselle]

It may also be that they commit murder and don't get way with it, too.

"a substantial majority of studies in this area support the impression of higher rates of BPD in prison populations than in community samples, with rates generally ranging between 25 and 50 percent."

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790397/

My ex certainly stated that she wanted me dead.

[Herodias]

It may also be that they commit murder and don't get way with it, too.

"a substantial majority of studies in this area support the impression of higher rates of BPD in prison populations than in community samples, with rates generally ranging between 25 and 50 percent."

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790397/

My ex certainly stated that she wanted me dead.

Mine claimed he wanted me dead too... .lots of times. I think this is the love/hate thing. He always told me he had a plan for me... .whatever that was. he would make weird comments that he wished he could lock me away somewhere. A couple times he wanted me to go scuba diving with him, then he would tell me that he knew how to cut off my air flow to make it look like an accident. Scary! Now he is living with someone who worked in a detention center and has police friends... .isn't that odd?

[Moselle]

Yes it is odd. My ex is odd. In fact her whole family is odd.

I knew I would die early if I stayed.  That's why I left in the end. I was concerned about my safety. When they get into that blind rage anything is possible.

On my last night with her she started poking me in the eye as I slept.  I got up and left.