Where do I start?

[Mother-in-law]

Hello.

My daughter-in-law has this diagnosis(BPD).

Nothing is being done to help her.  She is a Canadian living here in USA on a legal, spouse visa.  She gets medication from her Canadian doctor for "anxiety."

Her only contact with the world is her mother (who lives in Winnipeg), and her husband, (my son). 

I bought Bonn's book and devoured it and gave a copy to my son. 

What else can I do?   I'm currently considered too intimidating for her to be around.   Even though I can't think of a thing I've done to be intimidating.   People would tell you I'm a safe person. 

 

[Kwamina]

Hi Mother-in-law

When was your DIL (daughter-in-law) diagnosed with BPD? Do you feel that she acknowledges and understand her diagnosis?

BPD is quite a challenging disorder indeed and it is very unfortunate that she isn't getting help.

We cannot make other people change if they don't want to, but what we can do is change our own approach and responses. By making those changes, we can change the dynamics of the relationship, regardless of whether the other person changes or not.

I bought Bonn's book and devoured it and gave a copy to my son.  

Are you referring in your post to the book by Bon Dobbs 'When Hope is Not Enough'?

When it comes to dealing with BPD, I truly believe knowledge is power. I think it is very good that you are educating yourself about this disorder and are reaching out here for support and advice

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Mother-in-law]

I don't know when my DIL was diagnosed, but she does accept that she has this diagnosis.

An amazing thing happened yesterday,  she had my son tell me that she'd like to go get her nails done

with me (I offered to pay)!

So HAPPY to be able to see her again!

I feel bad that she is so isolated. 

Yes, I did read Bon Dobb's book, "When Hope is Not Enough."  It is fabulous.

THANK YOU FOR replying to my post.

I feel better having someone to talk to.  :-)

[Kwamina]

Hi there

That's an interesting new development indeed!

Have the two of you already gone to get your nails done?

What were the most important lessons you've taken away from that Bon Dobb's book? It would be interesting to hear what you've learned, also for our other members so I hope you'll be able to share some of your knowledge

[Mother-in-law]

The nails with my BPD DIL went GREAT!

She was very chatty and happy to get her nails done.

My son, her husband, also had a pedicure which made her laugh and laugh.

It was very fun.

So thankful that she was able to make it out of the apartment!

Bon Dobbs:  SO important to know how to validate what someone feels.

                   So important to not become disregulated by BPD's behavior.

                   So important to help the BPD see when their behavior is out of line

       with their own personal goals.  But the way you do this is VERY important.

       You first MUST learn to validate their feelings. Their feelings are real.

                   THE TIP I AM USING MOST:  NORMALIZE HER FEELINGS.  Say,

      "Anyone who felt that way would want to do that."

     

      "Yes, feeling that way is perfectly natural."

      "Most people would be so angry if that happened."

      "That's so embarrassing!" (implies to everyone)

      "Anyone in that situation would be frustrated."

      "After all that you've been through, I can see how you would feel that way."

    These quotes are all from Bon Dobb's book, When Hope is Not Enough, p 105 

                   

[Kwamina]

Great to hear that you had a good time with your DIL and son

Thanks for sharing what you learned from that book. Validation is indeed very important when dealing with very sensitive or easily triggered individuals such as people with BPD. It isn't always easy of course, but validation also helps us stay more calm ourselves and is also helpful when trying other communication techniques such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N...

See you on the boards