Crazy gauge?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone

Thinking today (thinking is my new hobbie, well obsession more or less)

My main sponsor asked me "do you now realize how sick you were to be in a relationship with your exgf?"

So I'm thinking and I may be wrong but here goes.

If I was indeed so sick to be with my exBPDgf then wouldn't it be true to assume whenever I obsess about missing her or the 2% fun times that I'm still sick?

Once I fully recover and see things clearly will I then be able to detach fully and be more healthy?

I still have moments where I want to be back with her even though it is sure suicide. I always told her that when and if she learns how to love she knows where I am. That was always my hope, that she would be well and content but that day never came.

I know it isn't sick to love someone but... .it isn't healthy to love and give your life to someone incapable of loving themselves or us either.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Thinking today (thinking is my new hobbie, well obsession more or less)

My main sponsor asked me "do you now realize how sick you were to be in a relationship with your exgf?"

So I'm thinking and I may be wrong but here goes.

If I was indeed so sick to be with my exBPDgf then wouldn't it be true to assume whenever I obsess about missing her or the 2% fun times that I'm still sick?

Once I fully recover and see things clearly will I then be able to detach fully and be more healthy?

I still have moments where I want to be back with her even though it is sure suicide. I always told her that when and if she learns how to love she knows where I am. That was always my hope, that she would be well and content but that day never came.

I know it isn't sick to love someone but... .it isn't healthy to love and give your life to someone incapable of loving themselves or us either.

[Sunfl0wer]

Detaching is a process.  It doesn't begin and end the day they walk out, or we walk out, or we stop seeing them, etc.  It is about our emotional connection to the person, the relationship.

Often obsessing within the relationship about how to fix things, or how to not upset the other, etc becomes our way of thinking.  This often translates into a hyper-focus of them and of the relationship even when things 'are over.'

Once I fully recover and see things clearly will I then be able to detach fully and be more healthy?

I believe detaching is a way of healing/recovering and they happen concurrently, not one after the other.

Have you read the info around here re trauma bonds?

Or info in why these particular relationships seem to be harder to recover from?

(I am not good about finding and posting links lately)

These articles helped me to feel less crazy and cope with the string emotions of loosing my ex.  It often felt like an unbearable existence with many waves of pain throughout the year.

It has been over a year now.  I can recall the pain of last year vividly.  I am not immersed in that emotional pain, not even close.  A year ago I could not imagine relief if you painted it on my eyeballs.  I am glad for members who shared their future experiences, it gave me hope.

[JerryRG]

Thank you sunflower

I understand, it is strange how I've been in relationships in the past and nothing like this constant thinking about the whys, what's and hows. It is insanity but it continues.

I am much better now but I'm pressured to communicate with my ex for our son and thinking of that sets me back.

Another strange phenomenon is I can speak to people who know my exgf, they can spell out the cold hard facts about her and within minutes of leaving the conversation my mind loses everything and I'm back to guessing and pondering.

[Sunfl0wer]

No worries,

For me, the endless ruminations were to sort out reality.  It felt like some vertigo, carnival ride while drunk and I just got off and still felt the world spinning and was struggling to discover which side is up.  I am deeply disturbed by long term reality issues of living in an invalidating environment.

As time goes on, you will regain footing, you will.

The whole first year, every thing I encountered I viewed it all from the perspective of having my identity tied to him. Even tonight, a neighbor was blasting music.  It was music that took me back to him.  I could not help the trigger of attraction to the music that I had positive memories to with him.  Tonight the feelings were not raw, not so strong, yet a light breeze against my feathers, hairs, whatnot to remind me that my sense of him exists.

I thought he was 'the one' and way different.

Please do see if you can find the articles here on both trauma bond and also why these relationships are especially difficult to process.  (I wish I could find)

Re communication for your son, are you versed in BIFF?

This is possible, not easy by any means, but entirely possible.

[JerryRG]

Just read a short article on trauma bonding and yes it explains part of my current issues.

It's so awkward trying to explain these thoughts and feelings with people who haven't experienced them. People say, oh yeah my ex was a b**** but no they don't realize pwBPD twist our reality into knots the best cannot untie.

I do get a few people that say, oh just stop thinking about her and it will magically desolve. Nope, this isn't a simple problem, we were mind raped by a mental illness much like being infected with a deadly virus that attacks our whole body but particularly our brains and nervous system.

Imagine being locked in an asylum for months and years with psychotic people and how we might be affected by them? Only pwBPD can mask their madness and convince us we are the crazy ones.

[JerryRG]

Trauma bonding?

I'm kinda screwed for a while and so is my son. This explains just part of why my brain is shut down, days/weeks/months/years of crazy abuse and chaos and drama, rape claims from her from past to recent, suicide threats (dozens) and attempts (2), cutting, drug abuse, meth addiction and dealing, her in jail, drug abuse while my son's in the womb and being accused of giving her the drugs and all I did was save her and my son's life, Beating me numerous times, lies, manipulation, accusations, isolation, gaslighting, control, violence, her putting herself in dangerous situations, walking on eggshells, her temper, accusatuons of stalking and stealing, sleep deprevation, blame, hypcondria, screaming at me and my son, telling him to stfu, spanking him for being a baby, her drinking, not taking her medications, complaints about everthing I did being wrong, watching her go psychotic, all the while caring for our son and working and my recovery... .IS IT ANY WONDER I CAN'T THINK?

My God wake up Jerry! Lol

[JQ]

Hey Jerry,

I wouldn't take your sponsor's use of the word "Sick" so literally.  I don't think sick is the right word, we are, were, recovering codependents.  We have things in our past that have affected the way we are to try and seek out acceptance, love, our soul mate. We were not sick, we were "Misguided" & "Uneducated".  I was literally ripped from the arms of my biological mother at the age of 3 by my father & "kidnapped" crossing several state lines out running the respective state police back in the day. I never saw her again.

Then add to that my step mother was BPD and father was a raging absent alcoholic. I was certainly misguided and uneducated in basic relationship interactions. Was I sick when I was fully involved with someone who mirrored me as a BPD does?  No I don't think so, I was able to learn from my past in order to stop the codependent behavior. As I've said, you might not like what you find in your past, but it is one of the key's to opening up your future free of repeated chaos, pain and hurt.  I'm proud to say I am a recovering codependent.  

I have gone NC from a step sister who is BPD and LC with a BPD step mother in order to maintain MY continued mental well being and NOT engage in their daily drama of letting their flying monkey's out of their cages. I'm in a much better place for all of it.

I know that you will be in a much better place in the future. You are self aware codependent, "SO IMPORTANT TO REALIZE" it to move forward in your continuing education.  You have a son that you need to be a father too and I have no doubt that you will. You will teach him about love, and proper r/s as everyone here knows you can. YOU will show him what a mutual, respectful, loving r/s is so that he can be with someone & be able to share & explore his life with.  It's going to take time, but you know this. You're on a good path, your doing well. The road is full of pot holes and sometime you're going to hit one or two and get a front end alignment. That's why you come here, to get your front end alignment.  

Stay strong ... .you got this.

J

[Ahoy]

Trauma bonding?

I'm kinda screwed for a while and so is my son. This explains just part of why my brain is shut down, days/weeks/months/years of crazy abuse and chaos and drama, rape claims from her from past to recent, suicide threats (dozens) and attempts (2), cutting, drug abuse, meth addiction and dealing, her in jail, drug abuse while my son's in the womb and being accused of giving her the drugs and all I did was save her and my son's life, Beating me numerous times, lies, manipulation, accusations, isolation, gaslighting, control, violence, her putting herself in dangerous situations, walking on eggshells, her temper, accusatuons of stalking and stealing, sleep deprevation, blame, hypcondria, screaming at me and my son, telling him to stfu, spanking him for being a baby, her drinking, not taking her medications, complaints about everthing I did being wrong, watching her go psychotic, all the while caring for our son and working and my recovery... .IS IT ANY WONDER I CAN'T THINK?

My God wake up Jerry! Lol

Jerry, the book you are after is called 'Betrayal Bonds' look it up on Amazon.

It starts by explaining different types of trauma and trauma bonds. What was really eye opening to me was at the end of chapter 2 is a test, a sort of rough outline to see what areas of trauma you may be suffering from.

So once the test is done, you spit your answers into eight catagories. The author says scores of 3-6 were normal, anything over is something concerning and therapy is a suggestion.

Sure enough I did the test and found out in four categories I had scores of 11+... .

Im only halfway through the book but one thing the author says is that some of this trauma can last a REALLY long time.

I still have moments where I feel heartsick at the dreams we once had (I had) and how wrong it went. I often picture her smiling face and for a moment I have a hard time linking my beautiful wife up to the manipulating liar she actually is. I think that's the trauma bond at work... .it's nasty stuff.