Remembering the good times with BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Who have problem remembering the good times with deceased BPD mother , I only remember the bad memories I had with her. It's so frustrating I can't remember the good memories.

[Peta87]

Who have problem remembering the good times with deceased BPD mother , I only remember the bad memories I had with her. It's so frustrating I can't remember the good memories.

[Kwamina]

Hi Peta87,

Your mother's behavior was quite extreme and you were still quite young when she unfortunately passed away in such a tragic manner. Do you perhaps think that as a result of the extremity of your mother's negative behaviors, it is harder for you to remember the good times? It could be that these extreme behaviors have blocked out certain other memories you had, do you think that might be what's going on here?

I also think that when you always have to be on your guard for extreme negative BPD behaviors, this makes it nearly impossible to really enjoy the 'good' times. When you live in constant fear of what might happen next, the good times really aren't that good at all.

You cannot remember any good times with your mother, but do you perhaps remember how she made you feel? You have expressed the love you had for her, do you feel that in spite of everything, she was also able to express her love for you?

[Peta87]

Hi Kwamina

I certainly do think because her extreme negative behaviours, it's so hard for me to remember the good times. The bad times is so vivid I remember the bad times like it's happen yesterday.

The good times is so unclear to me but I do know we had good times. I always see the BPD in her when I do remember her and I know that is blocking the good memories I had with her.

I remember feeling so much love for her, that I was the rescuer and her protecter. She was everything to me. The love was very strong and I remember her love she give when she was stable and it's was beautiful .

It's so true when you said I always have to be guard for extreme negative BPD behaviours it's make nearly impossible to enjoy the good times with my mother because the good times aren't that good at all. That's make so much sense.

[Notwendy]

Peta, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. There isn't a certain way you should feel. I think as children of dysfunction, we are used to not being allowed to feel all our feelings. However you feel is the way you are feeling- and it is OK. To honor yourself, accept that your feelings are yours- and don't need further judgement.

Although my mother is living, I don't have happy memories of our relationship. It isn't a happy relationship. This doesn't mean that  no good came out of it. One example is that my mother is an intelligent and interesting person who introduced me to many cultural experiences such as the arts. I can be grateful to her for that, and at the same time recognize that our relationship itself was not a good experience for me.

As a kid, I saw other mothers fixing them something to eat, comforting them when they were sad, and realized that my mother didn't do these things with me. When I became a mother, it became even more apparent.

I don't recall loving her like a child loves a mother, but I can "love" her in the universal sense- she gave birth to me, she is designed by the Creator of all of us. After a while, I didn't even think of her in a motherly way the idea of the kind of mother one reads about on mother's day cards.When I talk to my siblings, we refer to her by her first name. She is our mother, and the relationship is complicated. When my father died, I felt orphaned as he was the only one I related to as a parent.

I can feel some positive things for my mother. Gratitude for being my mother, for my parents taking care of my basic needs and above- education, travel, culture. I can feel compassion for her, because her illness limited her. I can feel empathy for her- as her illness is difficult for her. I can want for her to be well cared for- her health, shelter, her basic needs to be met. I can take care of any resentments on my part, and treat her kindly.

But, I don't have happy memories of our relationship- because it isn't a happy one. So, if you don't either, own that. It is what it is, but you may be able to feel other things- gratitude, compassion.

[Peta87]

Thanks for your kind words. I feel so guilty that I don't remember good times with her. I want to remember my mother in a good way.

[Notwendy]

Guilt is understandable, as we want to be good children to our mothers, but for many of us, FOG has been an issue for us to overcome.

We are going to feel what we feel. We have judgment that tells us how to act on these feelings. Sometimes, we just have to feel them as they happen, and we don't have to do anything about that. Other times, we act. If we feel afraid and a bear is chasing us, or we are walking down a dark street- we should act- run, get to a safe place. But if we are sitting in our rooms, completely safe, feeling fear- we don't have to act on it immediately.

Many of us children of dysfunction have trouble with our feelings. As kids, we may have had all kinds of feelings for our disordered parents. I know at times, I really hated my mother. Sometimes I still have these feelings. Yes, it feels wrong to hate one's mother, but, then not everyone has a mother who behaved like that. The judgement part of me tells me how to act on that or not. I may need to keep some emotional distance from her, but I can choose not to yell at her.

We can feel all kinds of feelings at the death of a parent. If that parent was dysfunctional it can be a whole mixed bag. I have a friend whose mother recently passed away. She puts up all kinds of messages on Facebook about how great her mother was, how she lost her best friend. I can't even relate to that. I don't know what it must feel like to have that kind of relationship with my mother.

Yet I did love my father and I was truly sad when he died and I miss him. Yet I was also angry at him. Angry that he allowed my mother to treat us kids as she did. Angry that he allowed her to treat him like she did. At one moment I could be sobbing because I miss him and the next, yelling up at the sky at him.

IMHO, if you don't have happy memories now, then you don't. It is what it is. What you feel is what you feel. Perhaps some of the more painful memories are in focus now as a way for you to deal with them. Maybe you feel abandoned now and that triggers other memories. Good! This means you have the chance to deal with them. Counseling may help you do this.

The other thing is that you are feeling sad and hurt at the moment, and when people feel this way there isn't a whole lot of room for other feelings. After my father died, I could not deal with my mother much at all. But now some time has passed, the grief is subsided, and I am able to feel more positive feelings. Just because you don't feel them now doesn't mean you won't. How you feel in the future isn't decided yet.

[Peta87]

Thanks so much Notwendy

You made so much sense, when I was a child I can't even remember being angry at her , I never asked her why she was behaving like this and took so much risky behaviours.

When she took a overdose in front of me and I save her life, all that matter that she was alive and I still have that relationship with her. All girls need their mothers and I needed her. I was holding onto her so tightly , I know very soon she will be gone because her BPD was taking over.

Now I'm a adult myself  I'm feeling great deal abandonment  because she abandoned  me so many times , including when she wanted to end her life. It's so hard to be angry at her because she was sexually abused by her father so how can I blame her of my dysfunctional childhood when it's clearly weren't her fault , she didn't deserve to have BPD and that why I feel gulity not remembering the good memories with her because it's weren't her fault and she deserve to be remember in a good way.