If someone asked your expwBPD about you/why your relationship with them ended...

[5tarla]

From their perspective, what do you think your ex would say? Would their retelling be made up or honest?

My ex would say:

-Our personalities clashed. It's actually the farthest thing from the truth , but can't argue with it. The truth is she was a cheater, but I guess doesn't like to acknowledge it.

Anyway, just thought this might bring in some interesting conversation and I really do enjoy dialogue like this.

No it doesn't matter what our exes think of us, so before any asks how this is productive or why I still care. Don't. Just thought it would be cool. And also wondering if anyone else's exes has made up ridiculous reasons for their break ups that actually have nothing to do with the actual break ups .

[Curiously1]

Well as always our break up was all my fault and she's sticking to that.

She comes back feeling like she wants to get back together and she hopes we can have what we used to have again minus the bad behaviour I did to cause her to break up with me. So she's telling me what I did wrong but also says I was the best she had - so far. She doesn't acknowledge her faults and I guess you could say that's ridiculous. Not ever being accountable for anything that happened or aware she plays a part.

She probably still assumes she did nothing wrong and she's coming back feeling alright about herself and that I should be lucky she's giving me (a crazy person to her) another chance... .should I take it.

Ah yes her reasons were that I am not "neurotypical enough" and that I am a dysfunctional person and blew hot and cold.

Generally my ex exaggerates a truth or lie... or can make up things yes, if she feels really threatned. Like telling me I am the crazy one and retelling that to her dates etc. I don't know exactly what she says to them but that we ended badly because of me. Anything that will make her feel or look better and will say anything that makes her seem like the victim and that you're the only one at fault.

[patientandclear]

I think this is an illuminating question.

My ex doesn't acknowledge most of the women he used to date. Regarding those that he does (those I know personally so he cannot pretend do not exist): for one long-term gf, she was abusive and emotionally withholding. Was also described as such a terrible person I was surprised to find that our mutual friends all like her. Then there was a close friend of mine who was devastated when he suddenly walked away after seemingly being head over heels with her. When I asked about that one, he could not remember why it ended; when I asked it if wasn't that she partied too much (the ostensible reason at the time), he looked relieved to remember why.

With us, he recently said he does not know why ... .That the stated reasons don't make sense. But to others, I suspect he would say that I was somehow too controlling, as that is a theme he has seized on post-breakup (not something that ever was identified at the time). I am "controlling" because I once asked him a question about why he was suddenly moving to another city despite that we had a pretty amazing, reality-based and deepening r/ship.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine would undoubtedly say it was because I was a "psycho stalker."  It might include embellishments about how I was going to kill him, imprison him in my basement, etc. etc.

[hergestridge]

She would probably say that she didn't love me anymore and that's why she left me. It's probably true too. I don't know if she ever loved me or when she stopped loving me, but after she cheated on me a couple of years before the breakup I couldn't look her in the eye anymore. So after that I suppose things deteriorated. I stayed for other reasons.

I am ashamed to admit this, but I didn't love her to begin with but wasn't strong enough to leave. She was a young girl with a very forceful personality. I got very attached to her after a few years and things were great between us from time to time. But there was always these sudden shifts in attitude and it wore me down.

I wasn't even particularly upset when she left. She was dead to me after she cheated on me. My grief came there and then. I was going to take my life. We had a strange relationship but I trusted her. We had "us against the world attitude". When she wasn't loyal to me anymore my world just fell apart.

[KarmasReal]

Very interesting question. I've often wondered the same thing. Although we haven't spoke since the break up I can make educated guesses based on what I know if her and what she has told me if her past.

Her two past long term relationships all I heard were negative aspects of the other person. And unless it was slip, not too much negativity on her part. But being hyper aware like I am and also knowing borderline traits very well I can pretty much see past the lies she would regurgitate.

Her college boyfriend, according to her, was an over emotional drug addict and dealer, who couldn't see reality. They broke up because he couldn't be a decent father after she was pregnant with his child. Do I believe this, yes. Is it the whole story, no. She let slip when she was pregnant he was high and confronted her with recordings, most likely of her cheating. She made it sound like he was unstable, he was probably right. From stories I gather he was an addict and troubled persoN, someone she could exploit. She made it sound as though the were together for 18 months, in truth they broke up for 5 months in between that, I wonder why? He apparently worshiped her, according to her, so why wouldn't he marry her? Doesn't fit!

Her next ex was supposedly a serial cheater and physical abuser. Is it true? Maybe. Was he like that or did she push him into that (no excuse, but people with BPD exes know what I mean) probably. I have seen texts between them to further back me up. He said he was tired of the fights, the one ups, and the cheating (BPD relationships in a nutshell) in his texts. She was a victim, according to her, but the reason he left her was SHE cheated on him and he either found out or she told him. I'm sure she was more than responsible for both.

Our break up, she left on my birthday to go out and party with some girl who wasn't even really a friend, she didn't even seem to care. I gave her keys in the understood were broken up gesture, she never once called or texted to say anything, even apologize. A month later I wanted to see if I could get my remaining things from her place, she basically said no, she didn't like the way we ended and not to text her again. Our break up was obviously her fault, nothing I ever wanted, yet she said that. So I'm sure, in her mind, I'm the wrong doer. I was too controlling by wanting her to be with me on my birthday, I was too possessive by spending time with my girlfriend of over a year and a half. I'm sure she's added other stuff to it as well, I'm not sure what. I just know the truth will not be told by her, she can't look bad. The only comfort I get is as much as she wants to believe her story, deep down she knows the awful truth of what she did, and she has to live with that.

Sorry for the long response, hope you're doing well!

[Dutched]

Well I know what exw told others after 30+ yrs.

Several versions even.

1  I have decided to temporarily live elsewhere, you know we couldn’t get along for some time.

2  I decided to follow my own path.

To no one (as far as I know) that exw used the word ‘divorce’.

After 30+ yrs.

=exw never, ever was able to say the word ‘divorce’ to me

=exw twice refused to accept my hand as a goodbye

=exw never, and still up to this day not, was able to say ‘goodbye’ to me

More?

=‘When all is finished than we can go out to have some nice time together’

=‘But… uhh… this all wasn’t my intention’. Q: then why? A: I had to, I couldn’t do something else…

[MapleBob]

Mine would chalk it up to "timing" and "having different styles", or maybe even that we were "not meant to be."

You know, but it had nothing to do with her crazy-making behavior, her codependence with (and lack of true availability due to) her ex-husband (oh, correction: separated husband, not actually divorced), or her poor communication skills. If she was pressed as to why she ended things with me, she might say that I "didn't love her enough" (based on my NOT acting like a crazy love-struck teenager) - which is, of course, completely ludicrous. 

My analysis is that she wanted me to move to her country to be with her (and I wanted that too!), which turned out to be very very difficult. She was the opposite of helpful when it came to that process (which to me speaks volumes about her ability to actually be a partner), and set it up as a big test, which I "failed". That's what she does in relationships: she finds something that you can't do, and then makes it a test for you to do exactly that for her, then gets upset when it doesn't happen. That is exactly her relationship history.

[Larmoyant]

My exbf would say “she ended it, but it was no loss. She was an over-emotional liar, a cheat, a manipulator and a controller. She finished with me when I was unwell. I never did anything wrong”.  In his actual words:

“You were never a couple with me. There was someone else from November 2014”.

“You finished with me when I was unwell. When we were to talk you played games and tried to manipulate”.

“You finished with me because we didn’t have a discussion even though you were the one that didn’t want one”.    

The truth? I finally gave up due to a sabotaged ‘engagement’, followed by attempts to talk and resolve some issues. When I raised an issue, i.e. lack of trust, he became enraged and told me that he would be forced to go and find another woman. He subsequently did, but refused to be upfront about it so I became fearful of being hurt over and over and chose not to meet and talk. This was my ‘enough’ moment. He wanted to work it out with me whilst pursuing other women at the same time. Couldn’t take it anymore.

[once removed]

i spoke to a mutual friend (far more my exes friend, but they had fallen out at this point) about six months out. she said they (her and other friends) had all asked what happened and were given a brief "it was a long time coming".

which is essentially true. i appreciate the fact that she didnt mince words, reveal too much, or create drama. what irked me was that she was parroting the explanation i gave as to why my own best friend ended his relationship, and rebounded quickly.

[gotbushels]

Hi 5tarla 

And also wondering if anyone else's exes has made up ridiculous reasons for their break ups that actually have nothing to do with the actual break ups .

I have no doubt she would make something up. Probably some ridiculous reason that has nothing to do with the actual break up

[love4meNOTu]

Oh my goodness... .let's see...

I know pretty much only because he was dysregulating so badly at the end...

I had to call the sheriff because I was afraid, he raised his fist to me and my kids were in the house. (7 hours of him screaming that night, never thought I would get through it).

He had stolen 1/2 of my bonus money and claimed it was his because he was my husband, then he proceeded to tell the sheriff about how I wouldn't pay his medical bills and poor, poor him. To this day I do not understand why he thought I would pay his medical bills with my health savings account at work. He was so angry when I paid mine and did not pay his?

He was so amazing entitled and grasping. If I wanted to trigger him all I had to do was refuse to make him dinner or bring him dinner... here we were divorcing, he wouldn't leave, kept blackmailing me for money (in order to get him to leave) and he expected me to feed him!

He truly makes my stomach turn. I don't need to tell you all what he stole when he moved out. So many things.

Moving on... he just made things up to make himself look better, I'm sure, or he used the same sob stories he used on me with someone else in order to get them to take care of him.

To this day I am gob smacked that I believed the crap that came out of his mouth about anyone, or about himself. I've zero doubts that it was ALL LIES.

His family was right when they told me, to my face, that I was too good for him and that he was not stable.

Thank goodness for them, and thank you God for getting me out of that mess.

[Herodias]

Mine would undoubtedly say it was because I was a "psycho stalker."  It might include embellishments about how I was going to kill him, imprison him in my basement, etc. etc.

Greeneyedmonster,  this is projection? Did he say those things to you? It just makes me laugh sometimes, because they flip things all around and I am telling you all here that mine said these similar things to me and I bet no one believes me! I feel like the crazy one! This is when I feel like I am better off not talking about it with anyone... .It is so unbelievable really.

[5tarla]

Oh wow I got a lot more replies than I expected. To add to my list here are the reasons she SAYS we broke up.

At first it was

"I'm an f- up." <--- From her perspective

Now it's

"She made me see red."

"She knew how to push me to the edge."

"Our relationship was volatile"

"Interrupted me during an argument" <---- Apparently this is the worst offense of them all

"Kept telling me how I felt."

Real reason is

-Triangulated me with ex-fiancee

-Cheated

-Lies

-Started talking to replacement behind my back.

The truth is we very rarely argued about anything that didn't have to do with her ex-fiancee still being in the picture in some way shape or form. When I did finally figure out everything is when we got into a giant argument, because she truly did see red when I confronted her about her lying and cheating. She threatened me physically and basically turned into the hulk smashing and throwing things. We went from calmly discussing our arguments this past year to a volatile toxic relationship all because I asked about what I found out and I guess it triggered her. That was the last time I saw her in person TG. :D

[once removed]

keep in mind, we did not experience the relationship in the same way that our exes did. in all likelihood, there was a great deal of inner turmoil and struggling with things we were never privy to. the reasons we hear may be subject to change, whether they are told to us, or someone(s) else, but if we listen, there tends to be a kernel of truth, if not solely from their perspective.

[5tarla]

keep in mind, we did not experience the relationship in the same way that our exes did. in all likelihood, there was a great deal of inner turmoil and struggling with things we were never privy to. the reasons we hear may be subject to change, whether they are told to us, or someone(s) else, but if we listen, there tends to be a kernel of truth, if not solely from their perspective.

True. I do agree with this. But my ex even said herself once someone hurts her she is only able to see the worst aspects, even if she loves or misses them. Classic B/W thinking. She told me she was BPD before I even knew she was.

[once removed]

it is black and white thinking, as well as fickle thinking. its a fine line between completely dismissing someones perspective, and taking it with more than a grain of salt. if, for example, someone blames us for all of the relationship woes, it may be true from their perspective, but its a distorted perspective; yet a perspective that still provides us some level of insight.

its also a fine line between understanding someones perspective, and separating it from our reality. that probably comes in a different order for everyone.

[balletomane]

When he broke up with me my ex accused me of abusing him. During the recycle, he switched from saying 'abused' to 'badly hurt'. I don't know what he tells my replacement or any of his family who may wonder why I've vanished from his life. Thankfully I'm no longer that interested. I still get occasional urges to tell my replacement that he essentially cheated on me with her and to tell her all the horrible things he said as he discarded me, which I'm 99.6% sure she doesn't know, but those urges pass and there are longer gaps between them now.

[Herodias]

Mine would say that I was too controlling... .that I was probably too old for him and he needs to be with someone more equal to him financially and mentally. I could actually see that, although he seemed to like it in the beginning. He became more like me. I was very much like his parents. (The too controlling was that I didn't like him drinking and driving or cheating or visiting porn sites... .or making friends with people he didn't know on Facebook. He is free to do that now and I am full aware he is doing it. hundreds of people he doesn't know he is now friends with on Facebook... .that's just scary to me.) I did hear he told some people in his home state that I cheated on him from one of his friends. She said he has always been a liar and she has grown up with him.  I hope that his parents will be honest if it ever comes up... .This tells me it's possible that is what he is telling people here too.

[troisette]

My ex spoke freely and mostly disparagingly about his exs.

When we split he said "We live in a small and gossipy town and it's best that we don't discuss why we broke up, we'll just say it was by mutual agreement". I agreed and have adhered to that despite attempts to pump me.

It suited me and benefited him - he knows there is something amiss with him and goes to great lengths to conceal it. I think he was concerned that I might reveal episodes of dissociation and other unnerving behaviour.

I don't think he could've resisted making subtle insinuations; he sees himself as a victim in all of his relationships. This worried me at first but less and less as time passes and I have a better sense of who I am.

[Herodias]

" he knows there is something amiss with him and goes to great lengths to conceal it"

I think mine does this too- I am sure that is what he doesn't want me to file adultery for our divorce.

[john83]

Oh wow I got a lot more replies than I expected. To add to my list here are the reasons she SAYS we broke up.

At first it was

"I'm an f- up." <--- From her perspective

Now it's

"She made me see red."

"She knew how to push me to the edge."

"Our relationship was volatile"

"Interrupted me during an argument" <---- Apparently this is the worst offense of them all

"Kept telling me how I felt."

Real reason is

-Triangulated me with ex-fiancee

-Cheated

-Lies

-Started talking to replacement behind my back.

The truth is we very rarely argued about anything that didn't have to do with her ex-fiancee still being in the picture in some way shape or form. When I did finally figure out everything is when we got into a giant argument, because she truly did see red when I confronted her about her lying and cheating. She threatened me physically and basically turned into the hulk smashing and throwing things. We went from calmly discussing our arguments this past year to a volatile toxic relationship all because I asked about what I found out and I guess it triggered her. That was the last time I saw her in person TG. :D

Thought I'd chip in here... .

mine actually said "you've forced me into accepting a lifeless, loveless, humdrum existence... .I can't possibly have any expectations because you won't allow me to have any... .you're incapable of showing love and affection... .I can't have a meaningful conversation with you because you always close it down or get angry and abusive when confronted by the truth"

Days after the break up, she posted a 'woe is me' thread on an internet forum we both used to frequent, saying how she hadn't been on for a while due to recent personal problems and now 'her support network' had just been taken away... .she went on to spin a story about how badly she'd been treated by her brother, was now being made redundant, might lose the new house, couldn't make the mortgage repayments... .it was real tear jerking stuff but illicited the rresponse she was angling for... .

What really p***ed me off however, was the claim that if she was forced to sell the house she wouldn't get anywhere near what she payed for it because it was in a much worse state than when she bought it... .


I had spent the last two years working tirelessly, weekends, summer holidays, half term breaks... .quite literally thousands of hours, often at my own expense, (travelling to and fro) replacing floors, ceilings, windows, plumbing, electrics, drainage, gutters, tiling, carpentry and joinery you name it! (I used to be a builder)

She knew exactly what she was doing when she posted this thread... .


If pressed, she probably say I was a fraud and a liar, and she deserved better

[5tarla]

When he broke up with me my ex accused me of abusing him. During the recycle, he switched from saying 'abused' to 'badly hurt'. I don't know what he tells my replacement or any of his family who may wonder why I've vanished from his life. Thankfully I'm no longer that interested. I still get occasional urges to tell my replacement that he essentially cheated on me with her and to tell her all the horrible things he said as he discarded me, which I'm 99.6% sure she doesn't know, but those urges pass and there are longer gaps between them now.

I used to get this very same urge, but nature took its course and the two of them couldn't even make it to two months before it ended. :/ not going to lie and say I wasnt happy, bc I was. I couldn't be supportive of them when my ex lied and was lining up the replacement behind my back, and I doubt it's her fault bc she probably got fed lies by my ex as well.

[joeramabeme]

Great question!

When she announced wanting a divorce and I inquired, her very first reply to me was that I had emotionally "abandoned" her 2 years earlier.  Although I never physically left the marriage or cheated and eventually emotionally rejoined the marriage; she stated that the pain was too much for her to bear.

I overheard a conversation she had with a close friend who was inquiring as to why she was divorcing and encouraging her to reconsider.  Ex replied; don't worry about it, it's just childhood stuff and carried on as if she did not want to be bothered with the discussion.

There is no telling what she would say if asked today; I suppose there are a set of answers:

1) What her feelings are telling her the day she is asked

2) What level of emotional dysregulation she is experiencing at the moment being asked

3) What sounds like a good story to tell when being asked

4) Who is asking her: Friend, family, potential partner, therapist, other

Wished I could say that she would tell me in more detail but the sad truth is, she probably doesn't really know why either.

[Confused108]

My ex would say that we were not compatible. The lame excuse and lie she told me. Meanwhile all she would say to me was how perfect we were together and how compatible we were. She would also tell ppl I feel how she never loved me.

[5tarla]

My ex would say that we were not compatible. The lame excuse and lie she told me. Meanwhile all she would say to me was how perfect we were together and how compatible we were. She would also tell ppl I feel how she never loved me.

and what's the real reason it didn't work out?

[Confused108]

My ex would say that we were not compatible. The lame excuse and lie she told me. Meanwhile all she would say to me was how perfect we were together and how compatible we were. She would also tell ppl I feel how she never loved me.

and what's the real reason it didn't work out?

The real reason she ended things? Well probably bc I'm a trigger for her with our past. She in her head thinks I'm going to leave her. My Mom broke us up as teens. Lies to my ex I was dating another person when I was not and my ex didn't take it well at all. Hated me and wound up in a mental hospital. 26 years later found me on FB last June we started again and she pushed / pulled within a week. And then broke my heart again. Told me she never loved me etc etc. made up this bull $hit excuse when we got along  very well. It kills me she has this disorder.

[married21years]

apparently i was crap on bed roflmfao!

and i was controlling. she had every freedom and she used it to cheat!

it is just all lies

realise that there is no truth in any thing they say when we are paionte black just what they think people will believe

[married21years]

" he knows there is something amiss with him and goes to great lengths to conceal it"

I think mine does this too- I am sure that is what he doesn't want me to file adultery for our divorce.

mine wants anything but adultary she has four on the go at once haha

[Icanteven]

apparently i was crap on bed roflmfao!

and i was controlling. she had every freedom and she used it to cheat!

Scary how many things I read on these message boards that you could replace a word here and there and plug into my own life.  My wife had plenty of freedom in the past and cheated with every man who ever loved her.  I put boundaries around her - yes, I'm ok if you have dinner with your college sweetheart while he's in town; no I'm not ok with you going out all night with him and rolling in at 3 in the morning, and I'm telling you that up front, so when you go ahead and do it anyway it's not going to be received well - and after she left she said I was controlling. 

She wanted someone who could exert control.  She has lived her entire life having every man in her orbit say yes to any and everything she wants, based on her ability to manipulate or seduce.  I told her out and out I wouldn't put up with her nonsense, and in the end it proved to be too much.  A lack of boundaries resulted in her cheating, my boundaries resulted in her leaving. 

But, I think no-win situations are part and parcel of the disorder, so alas... .