Confused

[November10]

I'm a single mom with an 8 month old. I got set up with a friend of a friend. The first thing he said was how bad he wants a family and how envious he is of his friends. After our first date where he had 5 vodkas - I was unsure how to read him. He seemed aloof. After out second date he was telling me how much fun he had, what a great day it was and how much he likes me. By the 2nd week we were spending day after day together. He would tell me how much he liked me and how great I was, and asked me about a future with him all the time. He used to say things like "no one cares, or so and so hates me" when I would get annoyed he would say it's a joke and it's funny. He also has a stuffed animal that he sleeps with. A sea otter that he named Sami. He refuses to wash it. I thought this was bizarre but he would say it's a joke... He also mentioned on occasion that his mom wasn't around when he was a kid bc she had a very high powered job. One day he started a fight with me, wouldn't talk to me on the phone, it was all over text, he kept asking me if I quit and I said let's talk and he wouldn't talk to me. I get forced to break up with him over text, which I would never do but he wouldn't talk to me. A few days later I missed him so much I tried to reconcile and I called him, I missed him so much. We spent the day together and all was fine, I noticed he wasn't telling me how crazy he was about me anymore or saying he missed me. We hung out again and it was terrible. We had a fight, he was mean then nice then mean. I cried bc I thought I had hurt him so bad that things wouldn't be the same. A few days later after me probing he said well we didn't bring out the best in each other so let's be friends. I am devastated, I thought this guy really liked me and wanted a future. I have a baby so it was so great to hear someone who wanted a family. In any event, I feel so broken hearted yet it was only a short 4 week stint. Can anyone shed some light on this behavior? I've never had this happen before.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

Hello and Welcome to bpdfamily!

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. What specifically was so good, that you are afraid of the loss from? Did you consider the possibility that having 5 vodkas on your first date might be a red flag; did he continue to drink more than average? Also, did he interact with your children at all; and how did that go (he said that was a primary interest of his).

Thanks for posting. Keep posting on other people's topics too. And, don't forget to read the lessons at the right of the board.

Hang in there!

[livednlearned]

Hi November10,

I'm a single mom too, so hello to you   

I completely understand the desire to meet someone who wants a family, especially when you have a child and feel something (someone) is missing. It's not easy!

It also feels so good to be wanted and valued. It can be intoxicating!

His behavior does sound like BPD traits. You've picked up on some of the core behaviors: moving quickly, idealization, excessive anxiety (alleviated by drinking), push/pull, silent treatment, and other behaviors that may not seem fitting for someone fully grown.

People with BPD have often been hurt long before we come into the picture. Being kind and being human, you feel that your behavior hurts him even when responding in normal ways to his distress. He desperately seeks validation and you are experiencing the very tip of his intense needs.

Most people with BPD have an unstable sense of self and are quick to emotionally trigger, and it can take a long time for them to return to baseline. Lacking a solid sense of self, he feels tremendous anxiety about who he really is. When he feels hurt (which can be a perceived slight, nothing more), he has immature coping mechanisms to manage his intense feelings and anxiety.

We are here to walk alongside you as you figure out this confusing relationship.

Glad you found the site 

LnL