rough patch

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang--

It's been a while! I got back with my ex about 2 months ago and things have been up and down, but mostly close and loving. In this latest iteration, we have had an open relationship, but it has been mostly theoretical, with her sleeping with a couple she was previously with when I have been out of town. Now she is starting to see the woman of the couple more intensely (because the woman's husband is out of the country for a few weeks), and I have been having a rough time with it. She's been super loving with me, but I haven't been able to keep my cool about it, and have felt pretty awful. I want to "be the person she is in love with" but man it is hard.

I guess I should just focus on me and the things I need and love to do. Any other words of wisdom or advice (or solace?) Thanks gang

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Leonis]

She's been super loving with me, but I haven't been able to keep my cool about it, and have felt pretty awful. I want to "be the person she is in love with" but man it is hard.

If my ex did that to me, I think I would be in less of a wreck than I am right now. Meaning, it would have been so much easier for me to move on. I can compromise on a lot of things, but I don't think I can do the whole "side toy" thing because it greatly contradicts with my desires in life.

I still want a family, advance my careers, etc. Being put in an ambiguous open relationship wouldn't be something I want in the long run. It may seem fun for the short-term, but definitely not the long-term investment.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kc sunshine, What do you expect is going to change?  How do you propose to save the r/s?  Why are you hanging in there if an open r/s is not your cup of tea?  Tough questions, I know.  LJ

[livednlearned]

I don't have any experience with open relationships, though I would think boundaries are doubly important so that you don't get crushed emotionally.

Is the relationship mainly open for her? Meaning, if you chose to be in a relationship with someone (do you want to... .?) would that be ok?

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I think there is a danger of being crushed emotionally, but I'm not quite sure why... .

[LostInMemories]

First of all congratulations on getting back with her

I can compromise on a lot of things, but I don't think I can do the whole "side toy" thing because it greatly contradicts with my desires in life.

I feel the same. Personally I would never be able to handle an open relationship. But I absolutely see your point Kc sunshine, it's better than to not have her at all.

I would really want to give you advice, but I have 0 experience with open relationships. All I can say is I fully understand your struggle, and I hope things will turn out for the better

[foody]

Hi kc.

From my experience with my ex yours wants her cake and wants to eat it. Mine has been cheating and lying for over a yr, obviously didnt want to break it off wirh me because people with this condition cant deal with abandonment so like to keep those that are loyal dangling, give them little titbits just enough to keep you hanging in there.

My eyes were opened fully a few wks ago. Ive been having bereavement counselling, very good counsellor. Ive spoken about the lacj of emotional support from my gf. When i told her of my ex dymping me and thi gs she's done during the relationship she stopped me and told mw she was abusing me and to get out. She then explained lots of different ways thats shes been abusing me.

Ok this may be hard but you have to realise that she dose t love you in the normal sense of the word, not the way yoy love her. She never can. Shes emotionally stunted. My ex seems stuck at about 14. Watching her lie amd run about after this guy is honestly like watching a young teenage crush .shes doing whatever she wants but still keeping yoht in the background to run around after her.

My advice is to be strong, tell her you understand she has this need for this woman but you cant accept it. Shes either with her or you. If it carries on you'll have to protect yourself and end the relationship. Very drastic yes but otherwise you'll end up an emotional shell constantly paranoid and stepping on eggshells.

Believe me i know.

Take care kc. If you want a chat feel free to message me

  hug

[livednlearned]

Yes, I think there is a danger of being crushed emotionally, but I'm not quite sure why... .

You're not sure why being in an open relationship could be emotionally challenging for you?

Have you been in one before?

[kc sunshine]

Emotionally challenging I totally get and can wrap my mind around, but emotionally crushing seems much more worrisome-- that's what I'm unsure about.

I definitely feel like we're in the breakup zone with this, and that being clingy or demanding will push us over the line that way. What seems to work a bit as a

middle ground is describing my feelings with a bit of remove. Rule -setting in the "traditional" sense doesn't work in that it triggers her and puts her on the defensive.

This is my first time in something like this

Yes, I think there is a danger of being crushed emotionally, but I'm not quite sure why... .

You're not sure why being in an open relationship could be emotionally challenging for you?

Have you been in one before?

[khibomsis]

KC, you need to ask yourself some tough questions here. Are you in an open relationship as a matter of principle because you are committed to polyamory as  a lifestyle? Because in that case jealousy and insecurity come with the territory and if you have chosen it you need to deal with them as possessive emotions that are going to undermine what you are trying to achieve.

My personal suss, having tried it once in my mad youth, is that polyamory just doubles up on the necessary relationship skills required . It was fun for a while but emotionally exhausting in having to provide double the amount  of empathy, communication, attention, boundary setting and negotiating skills, all of which I was in short supply anyway. Plus I never had enough time for myself. The mind boggles at a BPD managing the juggling well, since they often can't seem to manage even monogamy in these respects. But if that is the case and you have agreed that you are the primary relationship then perhaps a hint that you don't feel very primary lately is at the very least your right.

On the other hand, if you are in an open relationship because it was the only way you could keep her than it becomes a matter of power and control. Which she has and you have given away. If you are reluctant to express your needs because you fear abandonment then ask yourself how long you can stay in this relationship before you lose all self-respect?

My advice is that you start dating a few women who are Ok with being the polyamorous secondary.  That will get you out of the house and stop you brooding. And then you will find out just how  'open' your relationship really is.

Hope you don't mind the tough love but you know you are a sweetiepie who deserves to not be emotionally crushed.  , khib

[kc sunshine]

Hi all, well emotionally crushed is totally the word for it! It ended up super badly-- breaking us up in fact. She ended up falling hard for the other woman, and I felt pretty sidelined and I couldn't quite handle it, and asked to take a break. It spun out of control from there and now we are broken up and I'm feeling pretty crushed. Dang-- I can't say I wasn't warned by you guys!

I think we are beyond the point of no return on this one. She's now pretty full on with the other woman and in minimal contact with me. Wow, just three weeks ago, she was thinking about moving with me to a new city. It can change so fast!

[kc sunshine]

And in hindsight, I totally should have taken the advice to go out on dates, rather than brooding! That would have changed the whole dynamic for the better I think .

[C.Stein]

And in hindsight, I totally should have taken the advice to go out on dates, rather than brooding! That would have changed the whole dynamic for the better I think .

Or maybe things happened just the way they would have eventually regardless of what you did or did not do.