I only hate the people I love

[Hadlee]

Thought I would share this story written by a pwBPD.  It definitely resonates with me, and what I've experienced with the pwBPD in my life.  

I Only Hate The People I Love

I see you

then i look at you

then i look into you

and i see all the pain and sadness in your eyes

all the hurt and disappointment i've caused you

and i wonder why, why you love me so much

why you care. and i deeply wish you didn't

i deeply wish you wouldn't

I shut my eyes to try to control my tears from forming

i take a deep breathe trying to silent my violent guilt

then suppress my violent sadness and sudden intense anger.

tighten my firsts, release my breath, open my eyes to find that everything is worthless

most of all me. finding that i deeply hate the people i love the most

for making me feel this way. for making it undeniable and unavoidable to see who i am.

what i am. through their eyes. through their pain.

all i want to do that moment is die.

No not apologize. it's too late for that. and its way too much for just an apology.

i would walk away. put a knife in every one of you for the last time.

and disappear from your lives even if it meant the streets.

even if it meant the worst for me. you would never see me or hear from me again.

but i can't. due to my circumstances, my nationality, and legal matters.

i have thought of the ways possible for me to completely cut off everything between us.

and my possible options were: Jail, death, or a mental ward.

none of which will relieve you, but only give you more pain.

"Mother, Father, Sisters, Brother, Friends, Bestfriend …. your love for me makes me miserable. and my love for you makes me hate you. hate me, despise me, and free me from this F***ing guilt... im sick and im helpless. and i couldn't hate myself more. so im fine with my filth. just hate me. and set me f***ing free. i tried to change and i tried to better myself. i always have good intention. i just have no will to live or think or be, because if i did, i would lose my mind and so certainly kill myself and i don't want to. so please, just hate me… because i hate you, i hate you all, i hate everyone i love. i only hate the people i love.

[Turkish]

That's invaldating on the one hand, because it's demanding others to feel a certain way. On the other hand, it's an indication of intense self-hatred, both projected and turned inward.

What does this do for you? Does it help?

[Hadlee]

Yeah, it did help.  Reading that helped me depersonalize the behavior, to not take everything that happened personally.  I see it as... .it's the way my pwBPD is, warts and all.  And that had nothing to do with me in the grand scheme of things.  If that makes sense?   

[gah]

Thank you for sharing this - I needed to read this today.

[Turkish]

I think it didn't, but it did, but it didn't.

My Ex brought her pain with her into the r/s, which I rightly or wrongly tried to soothe or fix. And she took it with her, as as she found out after she married and co-habitated with the next.

A very senior member here once wrote something like, "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person; it's impossible." It applies to our pwBPD, and in many cases, applies to some of us here.

[Moselle]

Wow. My ex must really love me a lot

BPD love. Yeuch

[confusedbloke]

How sad - what terrible pain

[Ahoy]

How sad - what terrible pain

Yep, it's a good reminder that when it comes to PD relationships, there are no winners.