hello here i am ... and yea i could do with help :)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi im mike , ex-pat living in holland in my 30s ... .well i never thought i would go through such a horendous time as this again in my life ... .but out of nowhere my quiet happy stable life i fought so hard to make for myself and my partner (and our plans for the future) ... .almost completely collapsed on new years day can you believe it this year ... .in fact i think it did and iv been desperately clawing my way out to some degree of safety to catch my first proper breath since ... .and still i feel not rested or recuperated properly in this time ... .im exausted mentally , the foundations i built everything on was based on a trust i had for my girlfriend and the life we were building together ... .this has now gone , i only get small feeling of it back and again it goes ... .over and over ... .  I did not know anything about BPD until this year but i lived through and only just about survived a previous relationship with a girl who had Narcissist Personality Disorder ... .and i was given the news this person commit suicide this year ... .4 months ago ... .which added huge thing on already my current situation ... .words fail me ... .between my relationship with this girl and my current girlfriend i had a short very brief relationship with a friend i knew since years ... .who was sadly totally dependent on alcohol , at the time i was raw from the narccisist and messed up ... we kind of both fell into each others arms really ... .shortly after though she died ... .i was alone for almost 3 years after that before i met my partner ... .i even grew used to it and became at peace with it after a long time ... .then out of nowhere i fell in love almost instantly ... .i saw in my partner something i never saw before and found her so special ... .never in my wildest dreams did i imagine what happened the last few months would be possible ... .

alarm bells in my head rang pretty early on when almost from the word go ... .the word baby was said ... .for so long i kept saying what an idiot i was but the fact was that i fell in love with this girl ... .thats just how it goes in life sometimes ,... also very very early on out of nowhere one day i remember it clearly , we were sat on the sofa one afternoon when out of nowhere she said to me in a way i never heard her speak or the sound of her voice " i do not trust you"  ... .  i was a bit taken back by the suddeness of it but it was also v early on so i just let it go ... .but it never stopped , since then coming back more and more ... .  I really got my life together , got a job ... .cut out completely a long standing amphetamine addiction too , and i worked the hardest in my life ever . very heavy physical job but i made certain move forward to provide our family a stable base ... .  i put to one side my own creative stuff almost completely ... .hardly had time or energy to see friends ... .just focused on that ... .and it made me happy i felt good despite everything to come home after days work , i felt i had purpose things like that ... .most of all i was ready to be a dad ... .around november perhaps earlier i relapsed with amphetamines ... .after almost a year ... .out of sheer weird situation , i was feeling finnally some pressure and had asked friends etc... .not to do it too close to me ... .one night my best friend at the time was really getting ___ed up , i had drank a couple of beers and i reacted angrilly and snorted what he had left on the table to punish him and make him see i was not happy to see him like that but also i was upset my feelings were not taken serious about my own addiction ... .it was a drunken thing at the time came automatic ... .it was all it took though... .  here i am a few months down the line now , its been heavy ... .ever since my relapse it triggered in my partner an insane reaction ... .i was still using when we got together but quit for her, for us ... .i did it from free will ... .  now my weakness is the centreground for everything ... .trying several times since to stop ... .not being given a proper chance to either ... .i was on the bring of going to see my social worker for the first time when out f nowhere ... .she told me she did not love me anymore ... .not only that but i found out in worst way there was some other dude "and that a week ago she had fallen in love with him" ... .some dude on the internet she knew from years back ... .  anyway this hit me very very hard and her personality completely changed it was so scary ... .also i suffered almost a complete psychosis as it brought back the trauma of the Narciccist in my life ... .her switch was so extreme ... .it culminated in me almost on the way to suicide the night i begged her not to go to him even asked her to marry me ... .and watched her walk away ... .the next day at work the boss put her through on the phone in tears begging forgiveness ... .immediately i took her back and told her she could count on me ... .   but the psychotic behavior did not stop and triggered me into states of panic ... .it resulted in me being homeless for 4 months ... .even while living rough and holding down the job i kept trying to save our relationship all my energy went into her ... .  finnally i got a clean break got lucky found my own place ... .still have the job ... .even my habbit is down back to a level much more better ... .i feel i could even stop when im good and ready eventually as iv done in the past... .  but she continues doing ___ed up things to me and now a really ugly side is coming out ... .she almost on every time we see each other basis ... .says love mes love me nots ... .its over... .i love you... .its over  ... .all the blame on me , iv never been so broken down in years ... .it seems she knows exacetly where to push my buttons to make me suffer ... .the trust i had is filled with fear and overwhelming sadness ... .  im still fighting so hard to make it work i love her so much but i have to face perhaps the reality there is something wrong ... .  its been getting worse , a couple of weeks ago she was in my flat acting like a total crazy person , she had the loong stare in her eyes at one point ... .my god it put the hurt back in me so bad ... .fast forward anyway ... .now im trying to research understand what is hapening to me but also the past from before ... .properly ... .   she also one time self harmed and drew blood from her own nails ... .deep scratches across her chest and arms , she still has scar from one cut on her chest from that time... .yea im being bit more careful because she is prone to rage since some time ... .so my way i tried to resolve things change too ... .im also not perfect but i never stop to fight for her , i do care about her feelings how she is affected by my addiction ... .now in this late hour im hoping its not too late ... .im researching so much all night now found a lot i think will help ... .heres my story some of it at least ... .hope get some sense out of it ... .its extremely hard and energy consuming to write

[mikejare]

Hi im mike , ex-pat living in holland in my 30s ... .well i never thought i would go through such a horendous time as this again in my life ... .but out of nowhere my quiet happy stable life i fought so hard to make for myself and my partner (and our plans for the future) ... .almost completely collapsed on new years day can you believe it this year ... .in fact i think it did and iv been desperately clawing my way out to some degree of safety to catch my first proper breath since ... .and still i feel not rested or recuperated properly in this time ... .im exausted mentally , the foundations i built everything on was based on a trust i had for my girlfriend and the life we were building together ... .this has now gone , i only get small feeling of it back and again it goes ... .over and over ... .  I did not know anything about BPD until this year but i lived through and only just about survived a previous relationship with a girl who had Narcissist Personality Disorder ... .and i was given the news this person commit suicide this year ... .4 months ago ... .which added huge thing on already my current situation ... .words fail me ... .between my relationship with this girl and my current girlfriend i had a short very brief relationship with a friend i knew since years ... .who was sadly totally dependent on alcohol , at the time i was raw from the narccisist and messed up ... we kind of both fell into each others arms really ... .shortly after though she died ... .i was alone for almost 3 years after that before i met my partner ... .i even grew used to it and became at peace with it after a long time ... .then out of nowhere i fell in love almost instantly ... .i saw in my partner something i never saw before and found her so special ... .never in my wildest dreams did i imagine what happened the last few months would be possible ... .

alarm bells in my head rang pretty early on when almost from the word go ... .the word baby was said ... .for so long i kept saying what an idiot i was but the fact was that i fell in love with this girl ... .thats just how it goes in life sometimes ,... also very very early on out of nowhere one day i remember it clearly , we were sat on the sofa one afternoon when out of nowhere she said to me in a way i never heard her speak or the sound of her voice " i do not trust you"  ... .  i was a bit taken back by the suddeness of it but it was also v early on so i just let it go ... .but it never stopped , since then coming back more and more ... .  I really got my life together , got a job ... .cut out completely a long standing amphetamine addiction too , and i worked the hardest in my life ever . very heavy physical job but i made certain move forward to provide our family a stable base ... .  i put to one side my own creative stuff almost completely ... .hardly had time or energy to see friends ... .just focused on that ... .and it made me happy i felt good despite everything to come home after days work , i felt i had purpose things like that ... .most of all i was ready to be a dad ... .around november perhaps earlier i relapsed with amphetamines ... .after almost a year ... .out of sheer weird situation , i was feeling finnally some pressure and had asked friends etc... .not to do it too close to me ... .one night my best friend at the time was really getting ___ed up , i had drank a couple of beers and i reacted angrilly and snorted what he had left on the table to punish him and make him see i was not happy to see him like that but also i was upset my feelings were not taken serious about my own addiction ... .it was a drunken thing at the time came automatic ... .it was all it took though... .  here i am a few months down the line now , its been heavy ... .ever since my relapse it triggered in my partner an insane reaction ... .i was still using when we got together but quit for her, for us ... .i did it from free will ... .  now my weakness is the centreground for everything ... .trying several times since to stop ... .not being given a proper chance to either ... .i was on the bring of going to see my social worker for the first time when out f nowhere ... .she told me she did not love me anymore ... .not only that but i found out in worst way there was some other dude "and that a week ago she had fallen in love with him" ... .some dude on the internet she knew from years back ... .  anyway this hit me very very hard and her personality completely changed it was so scary ... .also i suffered almost a complete psychosis as it brought back the trauma of the Narciccist in my life ... .her switch was so extreme ... .it culminated in me almost on the way to suicide the night i begged her not to go to him even asked her to marry me ... .and watched her walk away ... .the next day at work the boss put her through on the phone in tears begging forgiveness ... .immediately i took her back and told her she could count on me ... .   but the psychotic behavior did not stop and triggered me into states of panic ... .it resulted in me being homeless for 4 months ... .even while living rough and holding down the job i kept trying to save our relationship all my energy went into her ... .  finnally i got a clean break got lucky found my own place ... .still have the job ... .even my habbit is down back to a level much more better ... .i feel i could even stop when im good and ready eventually as iv done in the past... .  but she continues doing ___ed up things to me and now a really ugly side is coming out ... .she almost on every time we see each other basis ... .says love mes love me nots ... .its over... .i love you... .its over  ... .all the blame on me , iv never been so broken down in years ... .it seems she knows exacetly where to push my buttons to make me suffer ... .the trust i had is filled with fear and overwhelming sadness ... .  im still fighting so hard to make it work i love her so much but i have to face perhaps the reality there is something wrong ... .  its been getting worse , a couple of weeks ago she was in my flat acting like a total crazy person , she had the loong stare in her eyes at one point ... .my god it put the hurt back in me so bad ... .fast forward anyway ... .now im trying to research understand what is hapening to me but also the past from before ... .properly ... .   she also one time self harmed and drew blood from her own nails ... .deep scratches across her chest and arms , she still has scar from one cut on her chest from that time... .yea im being bit more careful because she is prone to rage since some time ... .so my way i tried to resolve things change too ... .im also not perfect but i never stop to fight for her , i do care about her feelings how she is affected by my addiction ... .now in this late hour im hoping its not too late ... .im researching so much all night now found a lot i think will help ... .heres my story some of it at least ... .hope get some sense out of it ... .its extremely hard and energy consuming to write

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi mikejare,

Welcome and hello  

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here. The death of your exgf must have been very difficult, and although you were broken up, it must have affected you deeply and painfully. I'm so sorry for your loss  :'(

Thanks for posting and letting us know what's going on. There are others here who have similar situations, including addictions. Learning to deal with a BPD partner and an addiction at the same time is really, really hard. You managed to keep your job and are trying to quit using your own will. That says a lot about how strong and determined you are. Do you like your social worker? With everything that is going on, I would think talking to a counselor might help lighten your burden?

I can imagine that you are very vulnerable to the blame your BPD/NPD person directs toward you. Blaming you for everything actually gives her an excuse to not take responsibility for her own behavior. People with BPD have a tendency to tear down the people they desperately need to stay strong for them, which can makes things so confusing for us.

Do you think she is no longer involved with the guy she knows from online?

[LostInMemories]

Hello Mike, fellow-dutchie  

I would relpy in Dutch but I don't think the moderators would like that

Hi im mike , ex-pat living in holland in my 30s ... .well i never thought i would go through such a horendous time as this again in my life ... .but out of nowhere my quiet happy stable life i fought so hard to make for myself and my partner (and our plans for the future) ... .almost completely collapsed on new years day can you believe it this year

You will find a LOT of VERY similar stories on this forum. For example, my ExBPD left me 3 days before new years... .

You have been through a lot of sh*t man, I'm very sorry.

also very very early on out of nowhere one day i remember it clearly , we were sat on the sofa one afternoon when out of nowhere she said to me in a way i never heard her speak or the sound of her voice " i do not trust you"  ... .  i was a bit taken back by the suddeness of it but it was also v early on so i just let it go ... .but it never stopped , since then coming back more and more

You will find this is typical BPD behavior as well. Trust issues from her side, because her fear of being alone. "Funny" thing is that they are actually causing the very thing they are scared for by behaving the way they do.

i was on the bring of going to see my social worker for the first time when out f nowhere ... .she told me she did not love me anymore ... .not only that but i found out in worst way there was some other dude "and that a week ago she had fallen in love with him" ... .some dude on the internet she knew from years back ... .  anyway this hit me very very hard and her personality completely changed it was so scary

Sounds so similar to my (and dozen of other) stories on here. The VERY sudden: "i don't love you anymore / my feelings changed", then "jumps" very quickly to a different person (also called replacement), and obviously the VERY scary sudden change in personality. I have experienced this as well so I can relate to how scary it is to experience.

her switch was so extreme ... .it culminated in me almost on the way to suicide the night i begged her not to go to him even asked her to marry me ... .and watched her walk away ... .the next day at work the boss put her through on the phone in tears begging forgiveness ... .immediately i took her back and told her she could count on me

but she continues doing ___ed up things to me and now a really ugly side is coming out ... .she almost on every time we see each other basis ... .says love mes love me nots ... .its over... .i love you... .its over  ... .all the blame on me , iv never been so broken down in years ... .it seems she knows exacetly where to push my buttons to make me suffer ... .

Welcome to the world of BPD... Worst thing is they don't even know they are doing it. For them it is normal behavior, and we are left broken and confused. I've been there (still am).

she also one time self harmed and drew blood from her own nails ... .deep scratches across her chest and arms , she still has scar from one cut on her chest from that time... .yea im being bit more careful because she is prone to rage since some time ... .so my way i tried to resolve things change too ... . im also not perfect but i never stop to fight for her ,

Self-harm is also a BPD trait if I'm not mistaking. My ex did it aswell...

You're just like me buddy, fighting for it till you almost collapse. You're lucky she is still letting you fight for it. My ex totally cut me out of her life. I really respect the fact you're willing to fight for it, and I hope that you will find a way to make it work.

I can see language-barrier is a bit of an issue here to fully express your feelings (I experience the same since I'm also dutch), so If you ever wanna talk to someone on your own language you can just PM me Stay strong

[LostInMemories]

Oh I almost forgot, Since you're are really willing to fight for it it is really important to understand how she feels / what BPD really is. Just after I found out my ex had BPD I stumbled across this video that really opened my eyes to what it really was and how she must have felt.

I figured it might help you so here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYMlgNoiilc

Good luck and stay strong