Incident to look at my urge to instinctively "fix" feelings of another.

[Sunfl0wer]

No, I am not dating this guy.  Just using everyday life experiences for practicing my people skills.

He hit my parked car, left a note, and offered to not use insurance.  We agreed on things.  The deal is completed and over, the check cashed. 

So backing up to the situation, every step of the way I could tell this guy has some sort of emotional disorder.  He clearly was emotionally reactive, used projection, blaming, etc.  he did all this in a very mild controlled way, it was not an issue at all dealing with him for this short time.  I can't help but try to label such odd behavior and I feel he most certainly has obsessive compulsive personality disorder.  As I was talking to him at one point, I even flippantly stated this and moved on, (wow, a bit OCD here huh?) he admitted his wife says the same about him, and brushed it off as if use to it.

So where I reflect upon myself... .

While in 'doing business' mode, I never gave into the temptation to emotionally soothe him even though I could see him seeking it and feeling lost in our interactions.  I could tell he never felt comfortable where he stood with me, uncertain if I was pleased or not and uncertain if he was pleasing me.  He started to get obsessive like he needed some pat on the back from me and kept sending me more proof or performed more tasks than were near necessary.  Rather than offer emotional accolades, I maintained a professional matter of fact demeanor throughout.  I did not stop him from being obsessive about proving himself to me, I simply carried on with important needed aspects of things.  Well, once in a while I extended a warmer thanks, and it was clear these crumbs soothed something for him.  (This was more a strategy to get him to calm and ease off some)

Anyway... .

I am left with a very slight guilt. As my thoughts reviewed the interactions I feel tempted, now that the deal is complete, to send an email or txt stating:

I just wanted to reach out, now that the check is cashed and entire transaction complete to tell you that I am pleased with the outcome of the situation.  I wanted you to know that if the car ends up needing more work than our agreement that I am assuming such risk and have no intention of revising this issue and I do consider this completely resolved.  I am good with this as the conclusion of the matter.


Ok, so I am NOT going to send this, yet part of me feels guilty to leave him wondering if I will bring this back to him to sue.  He did have me sign a statement releasing him from further monies, however, I know his personality and I know he is home obsessing if this is really over or not.  Part of me feels guilty to not provide him that relief.

I am seeing these thoughts as some opportunity for you guys to help me work on my issues with wanting to soothe another. 

Why do I feel guilt?  I just know he is internally tormented over my stoic interactions vs expressing more gratitude and emotion to him.  I did hold my hand out for us to shake at the conclusion trying to indicate that I am cool and not troubled with the result.

Thoughts?

[Turkish]

One: there's nothing wrong with being kind, and you were.

Two: you're not responsible for his feelings, and this was "business" after all.

Three: there's nothing wrong with being kind, or as my T says, being a "Rescuer."

Four: you're assuming how he feels. Even if he does feel that way, go back to One, then stop when you get back here 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Sunfl0wer

Nice post.  What I read from this is that you felt some guilt for not emotionally-showing in a direction that this driver was hoping you would.  No foul on your part! 

You had to stand your ground and you did, well done!  I would think that as you have more experiences like this one you could get to a place where it is easier to show feelings AND stand your ground.  But one step at a time.

Nice story and good job!

PS - Maybe you should date this guy now that you have experienced how to keep his emotions out of your decisions    . . . you know I jest! 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you guys!

Ok, so my lesson that I learned/am reminded of is when I feel compelled to be emotionally reactive: step back, take space.

I have had enough space from the incident that looking back on it, I really see no need to follow up with the guy.  Those are his feelings (which I imagined on him even if correctly imagining   ) and I will let his feelings stay in his bucket. (Something I learned in a past thread)

I do see that while he was experiencing those feelings, I felt a bit like they were mine to soothe.  I felt like hey, there is nothing to being kind and reaching out, but I have to guess another part of me wanted to soothe my feeling of leaving him in that state. 

Turkish:

Thank you for reminding me that being kind, is ok.  I am not so sure about the rescuer role though.  I think I do have a tendency to find ways to assume that role and it has put me in situations where boundaries are foggy. 

In this situation, I allowed the feelings, examined them, and they just faded.  Maybe they are there and his wife is rescuing him, who knows!  They are no longer with me, but with him where they belong. Actually, I think that is the point of this... .They did not leave me and go to him, The feelings I experienced were never his to begin with.  (Even if my guess was true)

JRB:

Yes, the guilt and obligation I was feeling was the issue.  That is my struggle. Funny you say stand my ground, against who?  The feelings I observed were made in my head!  Sure he kept dropping hints of his emotional needs, but this is all a narrative in some way.  His attempts to assume a victim mode were ignored, not validated, so why validate that at the end?  Why not treat him like a man capable of experiencing his emotions?

Lol, oh, the reason I said I am not dating him is because I originally made the post in the relationship/dating board but felt it better here so cut and moved it before saving.

But yes, thanks for the reminder, I like thinking of it that way: "keeping his emotions out of your decision."