Splitting, dysfuntional husband, how to communicate how we feel?

[Cmjo]

I have just read through the Splitting workshop again. Its been going on for a few months, with S12.

When I am at work, I hear from my son that his Dad gives him silent treatment, is sarcastic, angry, invades his privacy, rages at him locking bathroom door when son is having a shower, takes and wears his clothes/shoes, demands my son gives his Dad his Ipad that was a present from me... .

D14 on the otherhand is the golden child now, he will only call out goodbye to her when he goes out.

One issue is how to deal with my son, I am doing my best to talk to him and keep him away from his Dad for a while, distract him with fun stuff and normal people.

The other impossible task is how to handle it all myself! In the past, before our three year separation, I went into a rage myself seeing how he treated the children, he manipulated the fact of my being over protective about them. He denied all his bad behaviour and gaslighted me, said I was paranoid and deluded and making it up... .

I am obsessing over how to have a conversation with him about it. When he came home late this evening and came to see me, I was too mad at him to speak. I said I am mad, I want to go back to the personality disorder centre where he was diagnosed, I cant talk to him about it as he denies it, but I cant stand the situation... .He left the room, went and put TV on loud.

Tomorrow morning I will try and be bright and cheerful. I will not get consumed by this. It is his problem. I will not try to be his therapist.

I will tell him that I can see he is suffering but his way of handling it is making his behaviour hurt the rest of us, say I have to have some time where we keep to our separate parts of the house (thank god for that space I have to myself!). I will remind him he asked me a week ago if he was acting strange, that work colleagues had told him sometimes he is caught staring blankly into space. That in the long term improving our relationship and that with his kids can only survive if he can comit to going back to therapy (he started this one year ago after diagnosis but stopped after a couple of months. Now he just goes to a doctor to chat and get meds once a month). Thats all I need to say isnt it? Anything else I should do or say?. Listen if he wants to tell me anything, and validate his feelings.

Then go out for a long run or a walk on the beach! Buy a bunch of flowers for the house, pamper myself a bit... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Do you have any boundaries in place about him continuing therapy, or are you stuck at making demands that you can't enforce.

i know it is infuriating when you can't make things happen, when it is obvious they must.

Denial just makes you want to stop making the effort at times. You are right it is not your pack of monkeys to train, especially without any co operation.

Taking a walk is fine, so long as you are not stewing about it while you are taking a break.

[Cmjo]

Over the past year I said I would consider going back if he promised to continued therapy. Then I found out he stopped, six months later I started sleeping here in the spare room and felt comfortable and said I would move back in a separate room and give it another chance.

Now this has happened I need to be firm and clear. There is no moving forward to rekindle the relationship until he goes back to therapy so I know he has support. Is that what you mean how I should set a boundary?

Thats what I want to say, but I also read here that we cant force them to going to therapy, that will just push him into a corner to feel he has no choice, he wont be doing it cos he really wants to.

[waverider]

Over the past year I said I would consider going back if he promised to continued therapy. Then I found out he stopped, six months later I started sleeping here in the spare room and felt comfortable and said I would move back in a separate room and give it another chance.

Now this has happened I need to be firm and clear. There is no moving forward to rekindle the relationship until he goes back to therapy so I know he has support. Is that what you mean how I should set a boundary?

Thats what I want to say, but I also read here that we cant force them to going to therapy, that will just push him into a corner to feel he has no choice, he wont be doing it cos he really wants to.

No you can't make him go to therapy. So if you make it a boundary that the relationship wont progress if he doesn't go then you should not make any effort until he does. The question is can you live with that result even though it is not favorable?

There is no point making it a boundary and then continuing to demand it if he chooses to do otherwise, as that does not relieve the stress on you. You may have to go one step further and move out again and get on with your life until he takes more positive steps.

The aim of a boundary is to remove yourself from exposure to something that does you physical or emotional distress. This is why we have to be sure of what we make a boundary issue, so that it doesn't just become an impotent threat.

You are not forcing him to do anything, you are only protecting yourself emotionally.

[Cmjo]

Thank you so much for clarifying the boundary issue.

I can live with that possible comsequence, on the upside being home with him in the kids has been great the past few months, and 95 % per cent of that time has been really good.

After more than 3 years living alone with the kids and them coming and going between the two houses it feels right to be here, and I have my own independent space which he has incredibly respected 100%. I have said I will stay living in my own space until and if he goes to cognitive behavioural therapy. I will keep my distance and not make "effort" but be friendly and supportive.  I will offer to pay for it with money thats coming to me this year. I would find the money if he was physically sick and needed urgent treatment. I see it as a good investment.

I believe he will start again, and probably stop again when it gets tough, and thats OK too.

I do have a back up plan that I will leave again if it gets tough on me or the kids and that will be the right thing to do. I hope not, I sincerely want us to stay a united family for ever. But some of my money I will put aside in case that doesnt happen.

I have so much understanding now three years on after a diagnosis. Yesterday he ranted mean stuff about parenting to me, started to talk about being judged, living in a Nazi regime, being on trial... .that I know is deregulating. I didnt get outraged or scream at m, I just let it wash over my head then ended the conversation. He was very humble this morning, I asked him if he remembered what he had said, he said he did but kept asking me what it was. He doesnt.

I would like to know more success stories... .that would keep me strong!

[once removed]

I would like to know more success stories... .that would keep me strong!

Success Stories

stay strong 

[waverider]

[quote author=Cmjo link=topic=293905.msg12764067#msg12764067

I have so much understanding now three years on after a diagnosis. Yesterday he ranted mean stuff about parenting to me, started to talk about being judged, living in a Nazi regime, being on trial... .that I know is deregulating. I didnt get outraged or scream at m, I just let it wash over my head then ended the conversation. He was very humble this morning, I asked him if he remembered what he had said, he said he did but kept asking me what it was. He doesnt.[/quote]
The only guard against these is alway emphasise to him, and yourself, that any boundaries are about you. I am doing X because I dont want to feel Y, As opposed to you have to do XYZ. in your above example you are not getting closer because you are not comfortable that things are being addressed with appropriate professional help, as it is too hard a burden for you alone to handle. Make it about how you are affected. It is important to be clear that boundaries are not set to deliberately control anyone else. He will still twist it, but the less ammunition the better.

"I feel" ," I am doing XYX to protect how I feel", try to keep "you have to" out of it.