My father split me black too

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone,

I recently learned something about my partner's conversation with my father that really upset me. My partner had told me that my father had told him that the police had been called when I was living at home. My partner thought that he could help me by talking to my father about my PTSD. That was a very bad idea. As it turns out the phone call my father was referring to was him/them calling the police on me. When I realized this, after asking my father about it, I saw that my father was actually trying to get my partner's sympathy. My father has never ever addressed the fact that my mother was physically abusive to me, that I was suicidal. As I stated in my last post he believes several things about me that are not true. When I start to think about how my father sees me it is really upsetting to me.

[Turkish]

Though your partner tried to be helpful, can you see how this was triangulation that resulted in more pain? Sadly, your father's view of you isn't likely to change.

A senior member here once passed on what an even more seasoned member once told her, no one's coming to rescue us.

We may try that, unwittingly. Heck, I chose my r/s with my uBPDx in an attempt to "rescue" my mother (maybe more correctly, myself), and vice versa for her part.

Standing up to our FOO internally is the first step towards healing. Addressing our core pain is a necessary step towards freedom, and possibly healing the other relationships in our lives if needed.

[unicorn2014]

Though your partner tried to be helpful, can you see how this was triangulation that resulted in more pain? Sadly, your father's view of you isn't likely to change.

Yes and as things still aren't stable with my partner I asked him to not speak to my father again about my PTSD. I had no idea my father thought so poorly of me. For some reason I always thought he respected me but this probate case has brought things to the surface that I had no idea were there. For example like I mentioned last time the belief that my father has that I live in Section 8 housing despite what I've told him, or the belief he has that I am willfully not succeeding in a chosen career at this point in my life. Its heart breaking actually. I always thought my father was my ally for some reason, I guess that was the coping mechanism I created .

A senior member here once passed on what an even more seasoned member once told her, no one's coming to rescue us.

Yes, that's what makes things so complicated with my partner. At one point even a former therapist saw him as reparenting me in some way, before his mental illness got in the way. Now I understand that reparenting comes from within, nobody can do that for us.

We may try that, unwittingly. Heck, I chose my r/s with my uBPDx in an attempt to "rescue" my mother (maybe more correctly, myself), and vice versa for her part.

Standing up to our FOO internally is the first step towards healing. Addressing our core pain is a necessary step towards freedom, and possibly healing the other relationships in our lives if needed.

Its funny, I thought I had worked through all this stuff. I moved out at 18, have been financially independent, have had years of therapy. I had no idea that this was going on. Like I said, I am heartbroken.

[Turkish]

I moved out at 18, too, thought I was moving on. Intenally, no, but a clock can't be unwound. It is what it is and were never any place else than where we are at. If you're still desiring the parent that you wish you had, it's tough to realize this emtionally, even if on some level you realize it logically. We're humans, not robots.

You've got a lot going on. Where do you see yourself going from here? Maybe a better question to ask is, what do you want?

[unicorn2014]

I moved out at 18, too, thought I was moving on. Intenally, no, but a clock can't be unwound. It is what it is and were never any place else than where we are at. If you're still desiring the parent that you wish you had, it's tough to realize this emtionally, even if on some level you realize it logically. We're humans, not robots.

You've got a lot going on. Where do you see yourself going from here? Maybe a better question to ask is, what do you want?

Here's what happened. I wrote to my father to let him to know that because he compelled me to participate in this probate case his sister took revenge against me and took away part of my income that was not hers to take away. I told my father this because I had recently had a lot of dental work done that I was paying for out of pocket. My father decided to pay off my dental work without my having asked him. This resulted in a barrage of verbal abuse from my mother that resulted in me blocking her.

My partner also triangulated himself into this situation telling my father that the money I was receiving from my grandmother was a stipend when in reality it was not. My grandmother took pity on me when I divorced and made a commitment to help me.

Nobody in my family values the choice I have made to put my child first. They think that the way they raised me was correct and that the problems I had as the result of the way they raised me (abandonment, abuse and neglect) were my fault.

[Turkish]

So your father did something nice for you on the surface, but it came with a price: control.

[unicorn2014]

So your father did something nice for you on the surface, but it came with a price: control.

I wrote a long reply and I lost it when there was a server problem.

It is interesting that people had pointed out to me that my partner was controlling. He of course denied it. I had no idea that my father was controlling. I now see that my attraction to controlling men came from my father.

My partner told me he appealed to my father's narcissism when he was explaining my situation to him.

I was not asking my father for help, I was asking my father to follow through on what he promised me, his share of the inheritance if we lost the case. As it turns out the money my grandmother was giving me was not part of the inheritance and my aunt took a punitive action against me. Although we have not lost the case yet, it has not even gone to trial, I have already suffered a loss as a result of this case. Nobody else involved has suffered a loss yet.

As you can see personality disorders make up the fabric of my family of origin and I am the one who has been the most traumatized by it all as I am the most sensitive member of the family.