Hello

[Taylorly]

Hi there.



I am here because my ex sister in law is undiagnosed BPD.

I asked her once when we were close if she thought that maybe she had BPD traits, and she said yes. She did. And in fact, that is what she is in therapy for.

Then she had a break down triggered by the fact that my brother in law found somebody new and things were getting serious. I was trying to help both her and him speak to each other... (MAJOR triangulation and this is when I discovered that I have codependency issues and am a rescuer type)...

But... her episode got the best of me and I ended up losing my temper myself and called her crazy and probably some other things. She was seriously scary that night and I had her children sleeping in my living room while she drove 2 hours away to get drunk in a hotel room-trying to lure my brother in law there to "be nice" to her. He wasn't able to. Too many years of abuse. He can be no more than civil to her when he needs to be. She wanted his shoulder to cry on-and only his.

It was the most messed up thing I ever witnessed. He turned his phone off for 20 minutes. Just 20 minutes. There were 52 missed calls from her when he turned his phone back on.

But anyways... After that episode, she denies that she had even heard of BPD and has asked her Pastor and her therapist if they think she has it. They both supposedly have told her that no... she is not BPD. This is normal for someone going through a painful divorce... (divorce was 2 years ago. )

In my opinion, she is absolutely a slam dunk case. But... .I digress...

Apart from her being my ex sister in law, she was also my closest friend. I loved her, even though there was no doubt from the very beginning of our friendship that she had some major issues. She was with a different man and was having similar problems with him. And the boyfriend before him, was of course also abusive. Abusive, and yet she was begging for them to take her back, which is exactly what she is doing with my brother in law.

My brother in law is unfortunately a shell of a man. He gets horrible anxiety attacks that cause him to miss work.

There is defnitely some parental alienation going on, but its all very covert and sneaky. But it causes him great trepidation with his kids. One of them, his daughter whom he loved so much and who he was so close to is no longer speaking to him or willing to go with him. She hates him.

When things got really rough, he took off and did not contact her or the kids for a few months. It was very painful to watch. I watched the kids often during that time and I was very angry with my brother in law for doing this to them. I still am in some ways. It hurt the kids badly and as an extra bonus, it gave them a ton of fuel to use against him.

The man can't do anything right.

He got his daughter to go out to breakfast with him. The ex showed up at the restaurant, making up excuses of why she had to ruin it.

I have no contact with her. But I am still very enmeshed in this situation. I am one of the few people who has seen what my brother in law actually goes through. Most people believe he is just scum of the earth deadbeat dad. But I know that he is a man who has had his self esteem beaten out of him verbally and emotionally for the past decade and is just having so much trouble standing.

I am so angry for him.

[Turkish]

I can see how you could get dragged in here, especially if she was your good friend.

Where is your spouse in all of this?

[foody]

Hi.

Its horrible watching what these people do. Ive seen it in the past but always made excuses. Now im seeing it clearly and i know what i must do. Get rid of my ex. Cut her out of my life. My only advice is to cut you sister in law off completely.  Be there for your brother but blamk her. Block her out . Could you take your brother away for a few weeks? Just you and him? Beeing away from the manipulation does wonders for clarity. Please feel free to message me if you want unload.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Taylorly,

Just so I am understanding--this is your spouse's brother and his ex-wife, is that correct?

It is good you were able to come to understand why you chose to become involved in the drama triangle to begin with. Have you worked out where your codependency and desire to rescue are coming from? Is your anger in this situation possibly a reflection of an event or events in your past that you have not finished working through?

What do you need for yourself right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF