Angry

[mantamoo]

Hello all,

   Every time I start feeling guilty, and think I should talk to my BP mom, I find out more about her lying and then I don't feel so bad. Wednesday, my husband helped my mom and her boyfriend move. This was something he promised her boyfriend months ago. My mom didn't even do any of the moving part... .she went and got her hair done, so it wasn't too bad for my husband. When my hubby did see her, she acted overly nice and overly happy (which usually means she is going to have an outburst with me soon).

After they finished moving, my husband and my mom's boyfriend went out to lunch. Her boyfriend thinks that my sister and I not talking to my mom is all my sister's fault, and I don't have a brain in my head (even though I am 34 years old and can make decisions for myself) and just go along with whatever my sister is doing. WRONG! Anyway, my husband defended us, but my mom's bf just doesn't understand what she's like. They have been together for 10 years, and living together for almost as long, and he still doesn't get it (It took me 34 years to figure it out so he has a ways to go I guess). He thinks that this just needs to blow over and blah, blah, blah.

My mom's bf told my husband that my mom is off of facebook. WRONG! She just blocked me and my sister and is still on there so she is lying to him. The guys talked about boundaries and my mom's bf thinks that boundaries are a good thing, but my mom breaks every boundary she puts in place. My mom, earlier this week, messaged my sister's mother in law and harassed her. My mom was blaming this woman for my sister not talking to her. It was out of the blue and completely uncalled for. Then my mom blocked my sister's MIL. So much for not being on facebook. It's getting so bad with my sister, that my sis and BIL are thinking about getting a restraining order or what ever they can so my mom stops, if she does anything like that again. It's like my mom's extreme actions are getting worse.

Yesterday, my sister and I compared notes on past conversations we had with mom and the times I thought my mom had changed she hadn't. She was stabbing me and my sister in the back the whole time and I fell for it! That makes me so angry! My mom used me. She's never been a mother to me or my sister and it makes me really mad!

I want to tell my mom's boyfriend that she is lying to him and show him proof, but I don't want it to get back to my mom. That would be bad, but I'm waiting for the stuff to hit the fan with her anyway. I don't even know if it would do any good. He thinks she is doing everything they agreed to, but she's not and she's lying to him too.

This whole thing makes me so furious! Our daughter is about to turn 10 years old. I don't think it is a good idea for our kids to be around my mom, especially alone. She's getting to the age I was when my mom started manipulating me (it was more in the teen years). I can't have my mom damage our kids they way she damaged me. Again, she's totally unhinged and thinks it's everyone else's fault but her own. GRRRRR

[Kwamina]

Hi mantamoo

Having a BPD parent can be quite frustrating so I understand where you are coming from here. Perhaps her boyfriend is still in denial about your mom or perhaps she keeps her worst behavior secret from him.

It's like my mom's extreme actions are getting worse.

Did anything perhaps happen recently that triggered your mother? At what point did you start to notice her behaviors getting worse?

That makes me so angry! My mom used me. She's never been a mother to me or my sister and it makes me really mad!

I think your anger is understandable. Accepting the reality of your BPD mom isn't easy because it means letting go of the loving 'fantasy' mom and seeing your mother for who she really is.

I want to tell my mom's boyfriend that she is lying to him and show him proof, but I don't want it to get back to my mom. That would be bad, but I'm waiting for the stuff to hit the fan with her anyway. I don't even know if it would do any good. He thinks she is doing everything they agreed to, but she's not and she's lying to him too.

How is your relationship with your mother's boyfriend?

Our daughter is about to turn 10 years old. I don't think it is a good idea for our kids to be around my mom, especially alone. She's getting to the age I was when my mom started manipulating me (it was more in the teen years). I can't have my mom damage our kids they way she damaged me. Again, she's totally unhinged and thinks it's everyone else's fault but her own. GRRRRR

It is very unfortunate your mother doesn't seem to acknowledge the role she plays in all of this. Given everything you know about her, I think it makes sense that you would want to shield your daughter from any damage your mother might cause. How has your mother treated your daughter to this point?

[mantamoo]

Hi Kwamina,

     I ended up talking to my mom's boyfriend. He's a good guy, and I felt like he needed to know what was going on, especially if he is going to try to help my mom through this like he said he is going to. I found out that my mom was talking about my sister and me on social media and she was actually blasting us on there. My mom's boyfriend was under the impression that she wasn't on social media anymore. I told him about that and other things. He was in denial about her having BPD (my mom says her psychiatrist told her she has a mild form of BPD and bipolar disorder). He thinks it's just bipolar, but I wasn't going to argue with him over that. He listened to me, and he did say my mom is trying and defended her, which I expected, but he wasn't telling me I needed to talk to her. He told me he completely understood why I was angry. The blasting she was doing online was totally it for me. I told him I was done and I was going to be blocking her number from my phone. He completely understood. 

Her behavior started to get more erratic before the diagnosis. Whenever we would make plans with her she would cancel, but over the past 4ish months, she would make plans to come see me and my family and then cancel last minute on her own plans which she never did before. She was talking bad about my sister more, turns out she was saying the same things about me to my sister.

The relationship with my daughter and my mom is good. She calls my daughter her favorite so that is a red flag. She would tell me that I'm her favorite daughter. My daughter is going to be 10 years old and is extremely smart. I'm afraid my mom would try to start the manipulation on her because she's older. Around her age is when the manipulation started with me... give or take a few years. And now since all this has come to light, I don't trust my mom to not say anything about the situation to my daughter. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again mantamoo

Though he's still in denial about certain things, it does sound like you were able to have a good conversation with your mother's boyfriend.

It is very sad that your mother behaves this way. Your sister and BIL are even considering getting a restraining order against her and that says a lot.

As difficult and hurtful the things she says and does might be, what might also help you is to keep in mind that she is likely 'projecting'. Her behavior most likely isn't a reflection of who you really are at all but only a projection stemming from her distorted thinking. Keeping this in mind might help you take her behavior a bit less personally. Easier said than done, I realize that, but I have found that this can help.

The relationship with my daughter and my mom is good. She calls my daughter her favorite so that is a red flag. She would tell me that I'm her favorite daughter. My daughter is going to be 10 years old and is extremely smart. I'm afraid my mom would try to start the manipulation on her because she's older. Around her age is when the manipulation started with me... give or take a few years. And now since all this has come to light, I don't trust my mom to not say anything about the situation to my daughter.  

Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? Since your daughter is so young, I think it is indeed important that you do whatever you can to shield her from your mother's (potentially) harmful behavior. This does not necessarily have to mean zero contact, but given what you know, I'd say having firm boundaries in place to protect your daughter is very important. Your mother might not like those boundaries, but your daughter's well-being is the number one priority here.

The Board Parrot

[mantamoo]

Hello again Kwamina

    I was relieved that the conversation I had with her boyfriend went so well. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me, but he did and I am very thankful for that. He is a good guy, and unfortunately he's stuck in the middle of a bad situation.

   I've been trying to keep reminding myself that she is projecting. It still hurts because it's my mom, and I thought we had a better relationship than we did. I think it's more disappointment than anything. I haven't talked to her for about two weeks now. To be honest, it's been kind of nice. I never realized the severity of the situation until I got out of it. I also see things about myself that I need to work on too. I am considering going into therapy, but I'm not going to do anything until the baby is born.


   Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and responding.

Mantamoo

[Kwamina]

It still hurts because it's my mom, and I thought we had a better relationship than we did. I think it's more disappointment than anything.

I can very much relate to what you say here. Growing up with my uBPD mother was tough and when I was 18 she really exploded and raged at me like never before, This really hurt me but in the years after that I too really thought we had a better relationship, only to have her a turn on me again. Going though it once is bad enough, but then to build your hopes up only to have it happen again is a massive blow and indeed a huge disappointment. When dealing with disordered family-members it unfortunately is advisable to drastically lower our expectations about them based on our past experiences and all we have learned about BPD. It is what it is, but it is a difficult reality indeed.

I also see things about myself that I need to work on too. I am considering going into therapy

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with certain things in their adult lives. The Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board might be helpful to you. What are the things you see in yourself that you feel you need to work on?

, but I'm not going to do anything until the baby is born.

First things first and one step at a time

[mantamoo]

Something that I've noticed about myself that I feel I may need help with is regarding relationships with others. I sometimes feel like people are mad at me when they aren't. For example, my husband and I went to a school function with our son and we were hanging out and talking for a little bit with a friend of ours. The friend and us eventually did other things and I was talking to another friend. A little bit later, the first friend we were talking to came up to me and said they were leaving and that they would see me at church. They didn't seem mad but later, when we got home I asked my husband if he thought our friend was mad I didn't spend more time with them. My husband said the friend didn't seem upset at all.

Growing up, as you may know, my mom had a hard time keeping friends, and it was never her fault the reason why the friendship ended. It was theirs. In my mom's eyes people were/ are either good or bad. There is nothing in between. I know that people and relationships don't work like that, but those type of thoughts are the ones that first pop up sometimes.

My mom didn't always physically abuse me.  But emotionally and mentally she did. She chose her husbands or boyfriend's over me and my sister. Outside of my dad she remarried twice. I didn't like either one of my stepdads. They were not really mean or abusive to me but they were to my mom. She would stay anyway for a little while and then leave and go on to the next guy. It's like she always needed someone to rescue her, and we were just along for the ride. I think that's why I felt, as an adult, that I needed to help her. so, I pretty much had been her therapist until I quit talking to her. I guess I had to grow up quickly. I always felt my mom needed my help. I'm realizing she wasn't really a mom. That hurts too. I want not be that way for my kids.

[Kwamina]

Something that I've noticed about myself that I feel I may need help with is regarding relationships with others. I sometimes feel like people are mad at me when they aren't. For example, my husband and I went to a school function with our son and we were hanging out and talking for a little bit with a friend of ours. The friend and us eventually did other things and I was talking to another friend. A little bit later, the first friend we were talking to came up to me and said they were leaving and that they would see me at church. They didn't seem mad but later, when we got home I asked my husband if he thought our friend was mad I didn't spend more time with them. My husband said the friend didn't seem upset at all.

When you always have to be wary for a mom who might turn on you any minute, it makes sense that you would also be concerned about other people reacting negatively to you. I experienced this too. Based on how my uBPD family-members reacted, I expected/assumed/feared others would react the same way to things.

Growing up, as you may know, my mom had a hard time keeping friends, and it was never her fault the reason why the friendship ended. It was theirs. In my mom's eyes people were/ are either good or bad. There is nothing in between. I know that people and relationships don't work like that, but those type of thoughts are the ones that first pop up sometimes.

Perhaps you can benefit from these two threads:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

I am very sorry your mom emotionally and mentally abused you. That really is very tough for a child to have to deal with. Again I can say that I have experienced this too. Like your mother, my mother was not physically abusive either, yet when a parent is emotionally and mentally abusive, you might still fear for your physical safety.

She chose her husbands or boyfriend's over me and my sister. Outside of my dad she remarried twice. I didn't like either one of my stepdads. They were not really mean or abusive to me but they were to my mom. She would stay anyway for a little while and then leave and go on to the next guy. It's like she always needed someone to rescue her, and we were just along for the ride.

How did this dynamic make you feel as a child? When you were growing up, did you already feel like your mother was choosing her husbands/boyfriends over you and your sister, or was this something you realized when you were an adult?

I think that's why I felt, as an adult, that I needed to help her. so, I pretty much had been her therapist until I quit talking to her. I guess I had to grow up quickly. I always felt my mom needed my help. I'm realizing she wasn't really a mom. That hurts too. I want not be that way for my kids.

I can relate to the hurt you describe here. Accepting that your parent in many ways wasn't really a parent at all, is a difficult reality to accept indeed. You are able to identify these family dynamics and are committed to breaking this cycle of conflict and dysfunction which will help you be a different mom to your own kids than your mother was to you