Forgiveness

[Anez]

So I had a long, emotional chat with my T yesterday and it was one of the more meaningful sessions I've had with him and just wanted to share.

My ex tossed me aside back in september. I've had the ups and downs we all experience since then. I work with her and see her every day which is hard. She and I had an affair and I lost my marriage over it and now live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment. I have some really lonely times, some really sad times, but I also have times where I go out with friends and life is good. Again, the ups and downs we're all used to experiencing.

This past week has been hard for some reason and my T picked up on my emotions the second i walked into his office.

We got to talking about it all and we talked about the anger I feel toward my ex. Angry that she helped lead to the end of my marriage then eventually threw me away and acted/acts in the office like it's no big deal. I also have anger at myself for allowing this relationship to happen and destroy my marriage. I loved, and still love, my ex wife and feel terrible about what I did to her and to us. 

So my T talked about parents who are able to forgive someone who murdered their children. He was quick to say this comparison is much more extreme than our relationships but he wanted to use it as teaching point. The parents who go through something like that and then forgive the person do it because they just don't want to carry that anger around forever because it will kill them. They have to reach a point where they forgive the person and push that weight off their shoulders. It's not something that is done in a day or a week or whenever. it takes time.

So my T had me say out loud a bunch of times: I forgive you (EX) for throwing me away and then acting like it was no big deal. I forgive myself for my behavior that led to the end of my marriage.

He said to say each thing over and over again whenever the feelings of anger pop up. Over time the brain will process it and believe it and the anger will be lifted and I won't be carrying it around anymore.

I believe him and I'm already putting it into practice.

Forgive them, forgive yourself. And over time you will be set free.

He works with addicts a lot and said this is all a part of the process of getting over an addiction. He said the process is hard and it's true - it's really hard. What we're all going through is hard. But the process eventually leads to where we all want to be - over this pain. over this addiction.

Just wanted to share all of this in case it helps anyone.

[Anez]

I've had to repeat the forgiveness line a bunch today as my ex has just been having a blast with a bunch of co-workers in the lounge near my desk.

I forgive her for throwing me away like trash and acting like it never mattered.

[joeramabeme]

I forgive her for throwing me away like trash and acting like it never mattered.

Anez, Nice post.  Glad to hear that you are practicing forgiveness.  Here is how I have worked on it.

I heard in a Divorce Care group that Forgiveness does not mean to Forget.  Translation is; that we don't trust the person again and let them re-injure us but we forgive the behaviors that lead to the problems we had and do our best to move forward, sounds like you are.

I came from a home where extreme behaviors were rationalized.  So in keeping with what I was learning, I rationalized a lot of my feelings about that behavior.  In the process, I confused forgiveness with excusing bad behavior and dismissing my own feelings.  I think it is important to acknowledge your feelings and validate the reality of your experience but not to get hung up on blaming.  Yes, it is all unfortunate and wouldn't it be nice if someone stepped up and said; my bad, I was a jerk and now I want to apologize - unlikely to happen - so we need to let ourselves off the hook, which is what Forgiveness does.

Thanks, JRB

[Anez]

Thanks for that, JRB. I appreciate it.

My T spoke of forgiveness before and the whole thought of forgiveness made sense to me but i didn't know how to put it into practice and really work on it. I want to stop carrying around this anger I feel for myself and for my ex. I want to go back mentally to where I was before I made decisions to get caught up with another woman, one who had BPD which was something I never knew about until after i got thrown away.

I think forgiveness is the way to get there. It will take time and I will work on it because I just want to be through this.