Finally seeing psychologist to help me with breakup = amazing insights

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

During the time I was in a relationship with my exBPDbf, I happened to be seeing a psychologist for some old FOO issues. I saw her for nearly a year, and during that time she saw me go through three discards and helped me during his suicide attempt. The focus of the sessions wasn't really him, but obviously he came up a lot as there was so much drama happening. It was her who agreed he "ticked a lot of boxes" for BPD.

I wasn't seeing her when I ended the relationship for good, so have never processed things with her. As I've posted on here, two years after the relationship has ended I'm still struggling, so made an appointment to go back and see her again. She remembers all the incidences and the way he operates, and gave me some fantastic insights.

I went because I kept thinking about him, convinced he was trying to communicate with me in some way, and consequently terrified I had become delusional.  I said "I'm scared I'm imagining these things - I've not seen or spoken to him for two years, yet I'm sure he's trying to pass information on to me in his actions, either through social media or through information passed to friends". Her reply was "Of *course* he would do that. It's his MO. You have evidence that he did this during his past discards and it very much fits his pattern to do it again from time to time. It's highly likely".

The relief was incredible. I know I've had this chat on here and the response has been "listen to your instincts", but to hear it from her who knows his patterns so well was such a relief. She also feels that I think about him so much and am finding it hard to move on precisely because he pops up every so often in subtle ways, combined with me looking for those subtle ways so I can keep myself alert and protected.

She pointed out that throughout our relationship he has had (in her words) "an excessive need for admiration", and his fear of rejection is so sharp that anything that even hinted at rejection to him (even if it clearly wasn't) set him into a rage because it felt my admiration of him had dipped, so he went into a devaluation and discard in response. She was also of no doubt at all that he'd be repeating this pattern in subsequent relationships, and any flurry of activity towards me probably coincides with a dip in his current relationship.

I hadn't looked at it that way before, but now *everything* is slipping into place. The times he seemed to devalue me out of nowhere and the things he said - it was all because in one way or another I was not being deferential enough to him and our relationship. If I talked to another man, he felt devalued himself because he thought I must prefer that man over him. So I'd be accused of not being dedicated enough to the relationship, or of having suspicious reasons for wanting a male friend. She pointed out that every time I'd been painted white after a discard was after I'd apologised - i.e., I had approached him from a deferential position. When I said "so why did he take none of my olive branches this last time when I offered to talk things over", she said "because offering to 'talk things over' is to approach someone on an equal footing, and that wouldn't satisfy what he needs. If you had offered to apologise, you'd likely have seen different behaviour. Also don't forget you may have made those offers when he was busy gaining his admiration from a new relationship, therefore didn't need you so much at that time".

When I said I feel he's suddenly shifted his focus to my home town and is hanging round here a lot, she said again it was highly likely. He's working here in the gym I'm registered at, teaching MMA, which she says is probably deliberate but could even be a subconscious act to fulfil his need to regain his self-esteem in a place that's associated with me. She thinks it's particularly marked because I'm the only one of his partners who has ended a relationship with him, so his ego has been particularly wounded, and this is why he needs to either feel strong and successful in a place associated with me, or even better to have me see him in that setting at a time he feels confident.

So what she's said matched what my instincts have been, and I'm so relieved I'm not losing the plot here. She is now switching to coping strategies - what to do if I see him. I said I'd just say a bright and breezy "So lovely to see you! How have you been? Catch you later!" kind of thing. She said "if you did that you'd hear nothing further from him. It doesn't fulfil what he's really looking for. On the other hand if you approach with an apology he'll most likely try to reignite something". So that's handy information.

Anyway, next week she's going to look at some of the ruminations I've written down and some of the communications I've had during the discard and recycle episodes. She's going to help me fit it all into place so I can rationalise the things that have confused me for so long, gain confidence that I know how best to deal with things when I inevitably see him again, and helping me get to a place where I can stop thinking about it all, and stop staying permanently alert.

[Suspicious1]

During the time I was in a relationship with my exBPDbf, I happened to be seeing a psychologist for some old FOO issues. I saw her for nearly a year, and during that time she saw me go through three discards and helped me during his suicide attempt. The focus of the sessions wasn't really him, but obviously he came up a lot as there was so much drama happening. It was her who agreed he "ticked a lot of boxes" for BPD.

I wasn't seeing her when I ended the relationship for good, so have never processed things with her. As I've posted on here, two years after the relationship has ended I'm still struggling, so made an appointment to go back and see her again. She remembers all the incidences and the way he operates, and gave me some fantastic insights.

I went because I kept thinking about him, convinced he was trying to communicate with me in some way, and consequently terrified I had become delusional.  I said "I'm scared I'm imagining these things - I've not seen or spoken to him for two years, yet I'm sure he's trying to pass information on to me in his actions, either through social media or through information passed to friends". Her reply was "Of *course* he would do that. It's his MO. You have evidence that he did this during his past discards and it very much fits his pattern to do it again from time to time. It's highly likely".

The relief was incredible. I know I've had this chat on here and the response has been "listen to your instincts", but to hear it from her who knows his patterns so well was such a relief. She also feels that I think about him so much and am finding it hard to move on precisely because he pops up every so often in subtle ways, combined with me looking for those subtle ways so I can keep myself alert and protected.

She pointed out that throughout our relationship he has had (in her words) "an excessive need for admiration", and his fear of rejection is so sharp that anything that even hinted at rejection to him (even if it clearly wasn't) set him into a rage because it felt my admiration of him had dipped, so he went into a devaluation and discard in response. She was also of no doubt at all that he'd be repeating this pattern in subsequent relationships, and any flurry of activity towards me probably coincides with a dip in his current relationship.

I hadn't looked at it that way before, but now *everything* is slipping into place. The times he seemed to devalue me out of nowhere and the things he said - it was all because in one way or another I was not being deferential enough to him and our relationship. If I talked to another man, he felt devalued himself because he thought I must prefer that man over him. So I'd be accused of not being dedicated enough to the relationship, or of having suspicious reasons for wanting a male friend. She pointed out that every time I'd been painted white after a discard was after I'd apologised - i.e., I had approached him from a deferential position. When I said "so why did he take none of my olive branches this last time when I offered to talk things over", she said "because offering to 'talk things over' is to approach someone on an equal footing, and that wouldn't satisfy what he needs. If you had offered to apologise, you'd likely have seen different behaviour. Also don't forget you may have made those offers when he was busy gaining his admiration from a new relationship, therefore didn't need you so much at that time".

When I said I feel he's suddenly shifted his focus to my home town and is hanging round here a lot, she said again it was highly likely. He's working here in the gym I'm registered at, teaching MMA, which she says is probably deliberate but could even be a subconscious act to fulfil his need to regain his self-esteem in a place that's associated with me. She thinks it's particularly marked because I'm the only one of his partners who has ended a relationship with him, so his ego has been particularly wounded, and this is why he needs to either feel strong and successful in a place associated with me, or even better to have me see him in that setting at a time he feels confident.

So what she's said matched what my instincts have been, and I'm so relieved I'm not losing the plot here. She is now switching to coping strategies - what to do if I see him. I said I'd just say a bright and breezy "So lovely to see you! How have you been? Catch you later!" kind of thing. She said "if you did that you'd hear nothing further from him. It doesn't fulfil what he's really looking for. On the other hand if you approach with an apology he'll most likely try to reignite something". So that's handy information.

Anyway, next week she's going to look at some of the ruminations I've written down and some of the communications I've had during the discard and recycle episodes. She's going to help me fit it all into place so I can rationalise the things that have confused me for so long, gain confidence that I know how best to deal with things when I inevitably see him again, and helping me get to a place where I can stop thinking about it all, and stop staying permanently alert.

[troisette]

Thanks for your post Suspicious and glad to hear that you are getting constructive help to put your mind at rest.

There are parallels in our stories and our wariness and your comments are helpful to me.

Thanks again, good luck and let us know how it's going. 

[Hadlee]

I'm sure he's trying to pass information on to me in his actions, either through social media or through information passed to friends". Her reply was "Of *course* he would do that. It's his MO. You have evidence that he did this during his past discards and it very much fits his pattern to do it again from time to time. It's highly likely".

The exact same thing has happened to me.  My T also replied like yours did  It's fantastic to get that validation, isn't it?  To know we aren't crazy or imagining things is a relief.  I always go with my gut instinct as it has proved to be true, time and time again.

She also feels that I think about him so much and am finding it hard to move on precisely because he pops up every so often in subtle ways, combined with me looking for those subtle ways so I can keep myself alert and protected.

I believe I do the same.  When there are no "pop ups" I am absolutely fine.  It's only when the sneakiness starts that I begin thinking.

She thinks it's particularly marked because I'm the only one of his partners who has ended a relationship with him, so his ego has been particularly wounded, and this is why he needs to either feel strong and successful in a place associated with me, or even better to have me see him in that setting at a time he feels confident.

This is the case for me too.  All other ex partners did not completely walk away; they have remained in touch.

Thanks for sharing this, Suspicious1  

[WoundedBibi]

It's so good you took this step and that your T is giving you validation! 

Mine isn't and neither are my friends. I miss that. I struggle with feeling unsafe right now and I don't know where to turn.

[troisette]

Hi Bibi

Sorry you're having a hard time.

Most of my friends cannot understand why I'm still talking about ex. Some have been blunt! And I have realised how boring it can be for them to listen to me because if you haven't been involved with someone with BPD, or aren't vulnerable to enmeshment with a BPD, it's very hard to empathise. Initial sympathy gives way to boredom and irritation on their part. And it's understandable. So I try to avoid the subject with them nowadays.

Re your therapist; difficult one. She/he may have reasons for their responses that cannot be understood by you, due to the stage of therapy you are at and maybe the type of therapy you are receiving. I'm no expert; I have experience of therapy with three therapists over a 30 year span - totalling about five or six years. Over the years I gained intellectual knowledge of why I was repeating a pattern but I still didn't recognise the red flags when I met my ex, my first BPD. And had never felt so bad after a break up. However I am analytical and I have defensive barriers about accessing grief from my past - perhaps my therapists could not get past that.

Perhaps ask some questions of your therapist about their experience and knowledge of PDs and tell them your feelings about their response to you and ask why? I am still searching for someone who is an expert in this field, I feel that's essential for anyone to help me move forward. 

[WoundedBibi]

Hi Bibi

Sorry you're having a hard time.

Most of my friends cannot understand why I'm still talking about ex. Some have been blunt! And I have realised how boring it can be for them to listen to me because if you haven't been involved with someone with BPD, or aren't vulnerable to enmeshment with a BPD, it's very hard to empathise. Initial sympathy gives way to boredom and irritation on their part. And it's understandable. So I try to avoid the subject with them nowadays.

I try to avoid it too but I wanted to share something that happened recently. Her reaction was on the "sounds like it was ok then" level while my emotions were through the roof. We went into a little bit of a discussion and she said she was sorry I was still consumed by all of this despite what she or anybody else tells me and that I shouldn't feel unsafe as I am perfectly safe. I realized yesterday her reaction (both) triggered me enormously as it made me feel like my mum used to make me feel; not to be taken serious.

My T is clearly taking the 'try to make her see the irrationality of her thoughts and fears'-approach and it's not working. Last time we spoke she was actual defending the flying monkeys, that there are very few people that are truly bad blah blah blah.

Neither my T or my friend know the FMs or what they exactly did or understand how I felt during their band stalking.

I know where all of this comes from and just talking about it gets me nowhere. The fear is on a much deeper level that I cannot control with attempts at being rational. I want EMDR but I think she doesn't want me to do that.

Re your therapist; difficult one. She/he may have reasons for their responses that cannot be understood by you, due to the stage of therapy you are at and maybe the type of therapy you are receiving. I'm no expert; I have experience of therapy with three therapists over a 30 year span - totalling about five or six years. Over the years I gained intellectual knowledge of why I was repeating a pattern but I still didn't recognise the red flags when I met my ex, my first BPD. And had never felt so bad after a break up. However I am analytical and I have defensive barriers about accessing grief from my past - perhaps my therapists could not get past that.

Intellectually I know all of it. She's not my first T. I need to solve it somewhere in my midbrain or wherever it is that trauma lives.

Perhaps ask some questions of your therapist about their experience and knowledge of PDs and tell them your feelings about their response to you and ask why? I am still searching for someone who is an expert in this field, I feel that's essential for anyone to help me move forward. 

My next appointment I will talk to her and tell her how angry it made me not to be validated and how I cry when the anger subsides. It's so bad I feel I can't breath when I get emotional. Like someone is squeezing my windpipe.

I think my new medication is not helping. It's a painkiller for neurological pain but a known side effect is that you can get angry easily. I hope it subsides soon. I need to be able to control my anger so I don't feed anybody from the FM circus...

[patientandclear]

Bibi, seems like your current T may not be a good match. I think you should pay attention to your insight that talking about how your feelings are irrational is not helping. There are trauma therapies other than EMDR that are body-based and can reach to what is really at play inside you re this r/ship and its aftermath. You might look at www.lifespanintegration.org and www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org for two of the best regarded approaches. I've used both and find them to achieve clarity and shift things far more effectively than talk therapy.