Trip to save?

[Jess0000]

I have been diagnosed with BPD for over a year now.  My boyfriend left me multiple times over the last 2 months because he felt like I needed too much of love and attention that he felt like he couldn't offer.  He said that the amount of sadness that was in the relationship overshadowed the things that he loved about me, and it felt like he couldn't give anymore.

He moved to Germany 5 months ago and we were dating long distance during that time. I graduated last Saturday and had been planning on going out there in 2 weeks.  I am tempted to still go out there and see him, because I feel like being in person would help some things out.  I am even tempted to arrange my flight to leave a week earlier.  I feel like a huge part of me is torn up and I want to fix it so badly.  I know that it is a risky situation going out there but I feel like I will never be able to see him again and through the contact we've had it seems like he is unsure about a relationship and is scared of hurting me.  He has been pretty withdrawn the last couple of months and even forgot my graduation.  I feel very heartbroken, I have been crying to the point of throwing up while alternating between feeling like I can move on and feeling hope for us rekindling.  I feel like I was way too harsh on him in the beginning of the relationship and he burnt out a while ago.  I started to become very supportive but at that point it was like walking on eggshells for me.  I want to hold him so badly again, but I know he is scared for me being concerned with his needs, and us continuing a cycle.  I feel that he would be withdrawn from me, not only from a reaction to what has been going on, but to test to see if I would push the bubble.  With that I know that I wouldn't be getting much positive attention from him, which scares me.  I don't know what to do, I am alternating between going out there and not going at all.  I think that the wise thing to do would be to not go out there and allow some time for both of us to recoup. I also feel like I want to follow my heart and put myself forward while stepping back at the same time.  I imagined quite a future with this man, and saw a lot of potential in the relationship.  I  feel like my BPD messed up quite a bit, but I enrolled in DBT classes online.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Leonis]

I'm in a similar situation as your ex, except I'm still willing to reach out if my ex is willing to work with me on her issues.

I don't know the circumstances that led to he moving to Germany, but I can imagine that was not an easy decision. If you haven't had any contact at all, the prognosis doesn't seem very good. That would also explain why he "forgot" about your graduation. You can't expect him to initiate contact when you don't.

I know for me, I'm not scared of hurting my ex. I'm more scared of her hurting me. Please realize that when emotional strife happens in this whirlwind type of relationship, it not only affects his feelings, but also his career, school, etc. The damage spreads like wild fire!

I'm not trying to put you down. I know for a fact if my ex told me that she's been trying to help overcoming her issues, I would be more than willing to work with her and be by her side. The ball is in your court. Do what you will.

[Jess0000]

He left for his PhD, and he is concerned about it affecting his academic, personal time, and work life.  He said that he feels overwhelmed with everything, including the relationship and that he doesn't think that I am aware of his time schedule.  We have been in contact while he has been out there, and for him I reach out too much.  I also don't have as busy as a schedule as he does, as well as my trying to compensate for the long distance.

[Notwendy]

I understand this is tough. I had a couple of thoughts as I read your thread. I don't know how old the two of you are, but if you both have just graduated college, then this is still a young age for some people to be comfortable settling into a more committed relationship. You may feel ready, but if he doesn't - then he may want this space.

You also mentioned that he is starting his PhD program and that you have more time to think about the relationship than he does. Thinking about his situation- new academic demands- he needs to put most of his time and energy into these goals.

I understand how this feels as I did date some guys in college, then we came to a place where our goals set us in different directions. It does hurt at the time, and it makes sense that we think we did something wrong, or could do something to change things, but a part of this is that our directions and goals changed and we were not ready to settle into something longer term.

You also brought up something very positive. That BPD can make relationships difficult ( so does other things that the partners can have such as codependency). Starting therapy is great- because it will help you be your best - in or out of any relationship. Giving yourself the gift of better mental health is a fantastic thing to do for you, and for others who care about you.

One thing to consider is boundaries. Your friend may also be pulling away because you are pushing- not as a part of the dysfunctional interactions but to protect his space. He has a big goal ahead of him. He may truly not have time for a relationship or the emotional drama that can come with one. He says you are reaching out too much. While a part of you wishes to push harder- consider that he could really be asking for space- for himself.

Sometimes it is tempting to be reactive in this push pull. Either pushing too much or saying forget it- not talking at all and going back and forth between these two reactions. But there is a middle ground. Stay calm, understand that he is asking for space to pursue his studies. You take the time to take care of you. It is hard to let go- take it one day at a time. Start DBT for you, not as a way to act on him. Also do some self care- get exercise, meet friends, eat healthy and know that this investment in you is a good thing.

[LostInMemories]

You sound like a very reasonable person. At least you accept the fact you have been diagnosed with BPD, and like you said you might have been harsh on him at times (wish everybody with BPD would do that, that would save a lot of trouble) so yeah I really respect that. All I can say is: follow your heart, at least, that's what I would have done. Gut feeling is usually right, so if you feel like this is the chance to redeem your relationship and make it work, go for it

[livednlearned]

Hi Jess0000,

I have been diagnosed with BPD for over a year now.

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you have reached out for help and support - a very brave thing to do 

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources better suited to the type you are seeking, and some wonderful people in those forums who share what you are going through.

Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you well on your journey.



LnL