She wants to be friends again

[StopMeThinkimg]

Hi,

My first post but I've read a lot on here so thanks to those who have helped... .

In a nutshell, started seeing a girl, was perfect for a year or so, then finished due to the distance between us, then all hell broke loose - 3 suicide attempts (2 at least were fake), online slur campaigns and blogs using my real name, contacting my family, identity theft, stalking, following my family. Horrible.

9 months of no contact and it appears to be getting worse, I was even told only two weeks ago she wanted to "take me down".

All of a sudden she sends me a message asking to be friends. I know enough about BPD to know the scenario is either:

1. She is pretending to be friends with me to get close enough to do me harm (which I honestly wouldn't be surprised about) or follow me home (new place)

2. She is attempting to charm me back up

My question is to those in the know - her campaign has never slackened off and appears to be getting worse not better. Do I ignore and carry on the NC knowing that she will be even more annoyed by me ignoring her, or do I accept the meeting and try to talk things over in the hope she will calm down, or is that a complete fantasy on my part?

To give you some context, she is certain I finished with her because I was seeing someone else which is why she acted in the extreme (I wasn't but there was no telling her, I even ended up telling her I was in an attempt to "give her what she wanted" - you can imagine how that went!

Please, please, please help!

[Fr4nz]

Hi,

My first post but I've read a lot on here so thanks to those who have helped... .

In a nutshell, started seeing a girl, was perfect for a year or so, then finished due to the distance between us, then all hell broke loose - 3 suicide attempts (2 at least were fake), online slur campaigns and blogs using my real name, contacting my family, identity theft, stalking, following my family. Horrible.

9 months of no contact and it appears to be getting worse, I was even told only two weeks ago she wanted to "take me down".

All of a sudden she sends me a message asking to be friends. I know enough about BPD to know the scenario is either:

1. She is pretending to be friends with me to get close enough to do me harm (which I honestly wouldn't be surprised about) or follow me home (new place)

2. She is attempting to charm me back up

My question is to those in the know - her campaign has never slackened off and appears to be getting worse not better. Do I ignore and carry on the NC knowing that she will be even more annoyed by me ignoring her, or do I accept the meeting and try to talk things over in the hope she will calm down, or is that a complete fantasy on my part?

To give you some context, she is certain I finished with her because I was seeing someone else which is why she acted in the extreme (I wasn't but there was no telling her, I even ended up telling her I was in an attempt to "give her what she wanted" - you can imagine how that went!

Please, please, please help!

I don't know what others will suggest... .BUT, if you want to meet with her, obviously do it in a public place!

[WoundedBibi]

This is a difficult one. All pwBPD are different so there is no sure way of knowing how she will react but based on what you wrote and what I experienced with my ex (a fullblown smear campaign) I'm thinking:

1) if you continue NC she will probably feel ignored, abandoned etcetera and will then take her wrath out on you as she has done so far. You already know this situation and I'm guessing you have tried to protect yourself as best as possible (new place helps).

Although it is also possible this is her last attempt and if you stay NC she will give up. Which would be what you really want.

2) if you meet her (in a public place!) you will have to tell her at some point you don't want to be friends (as you don't want her at your new place or anywhere else in your life) to her face. She might feel made fun of and most likely abandoned and then take her wrath out on you right then and there (and people will not help a man being attacked by a woman) and probably afterwards too. Meeting up with her would feed her more I think, and raise expectations ("he wants to meet up!" you will then kill off.

Talking things over is not a realistic expectation on your part. Talking things over means having an adult conversation and this requires both parties to be able to say "I went wrong there and there, and I shouldn't have done blah, and it's too bad it ended like this, have a nice life". If she would have been able to have an adult conversation or talk things out you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. A pwBPD will very rarely (it at all) take responsibility or accountability for anything in the relationship or the aftermath. Your ex doesn't seem the type to do that in any way shape or form. For a pwBPD there are no bad deeds, just bad people. So she can never admit she did something wrong, because that means she IS wrong. As a person. The feelings of core shame this would bring to the surface are too enormous to bear. Meeting up you would at some point expect her to talk about what she did, apologize even and if she wouldn't do either (which is more then likely) you would probably confront her and ask her what about what she did? A normal reaction when you want to talk things over. I see an explosion happening at that point. This meeting will not be nice, peaceful or solve anything IMHO. It will probably do more damage.

I would stay NC for your own safety.

[Invictus01]

What WoundedBibi said... .At least if you stay away, if she rages, what could she possibly do that is worse than has been done? You go meet in person, who knows what might go down. And for what purpose exactly? Just let it be dude.

[Rayban]

I would just stay away. There is absolutely nothing positive that could come out of a meeting with her. Your doing well with no contact, keep it that way.

Why does she want to meet up? There could be 1001 reasons. In my experience it came down to several things.

1. She wants to reengage you into the madness. She has smeared your reputation. Wouldn't put it past her to play the victim card, and let it be seen in public that you are the bad guy in all of this. She will paint you out to be the terrible person she is.

2. She wants to see if she still has control over you. Maybe use you to triangulate a new love interest. If she hooks you back in, expect the fall to be even harder this time.

3. People with BPD are very possessive. Even after painting someone back, they still want to have some part in their exes lives. Friends in her case would involve calling you when she is lonely. You'll have the pleasure of becoming one of her many orbiters, as she parades her new found love.

Here is an interesting article on remaining friends with a BPD ex.

Why would you even consider being friends with someone you believe abused you horribly, blames you for it and has very little chance of ever changing? It’s like inviting an unrepentant arsonist into your home after rebuilding from the last fire they set and handing them a book of matches and a can of gasoline. They’ll just burn your house down again.

www.shrink4men.com/2015/06/24/what-a-narcissist-really-means-when-she-or-he-wants-to-stay-friends-or-charms-you-after-breaking-up/

[StopMeThinkimg]

Thank-you everyone, your messages are really appreciated.

I don't want to meet up, she literally scares me. Everything you say makes sense about sucking me back in to be manipulated.

Let's see what today brings, and if it's nothing it'll be a good day!