I've been out long enough to have forgotten how bad it was and I hate it.

[krax]

Hey all

It's been more than 3 months since I had enough and left... .I just wish I could really detach. I see her everyday at work. I wish she could just hate me, and not talk to me anymore, but she knows exactly how to play her cards. She always try to be kind to me, I know this is so that she could draw me in, making me loose my ground and fall again. But I refuse to do that, I REFUSE. It's so hard to go NC, or even LC with her when she always comes around to talk to me. "I just want to look at you so I don't forget how you look like" etc.

The past few weeks I've had these feelings that "maybe it wasnt so bad, maybe this is as good as it gets for me?" and so on. While I know that this is probably the results of me being out for 3 months, that I've started to heal. That these terrible feelings of depression/anxiety now seem so distant to me. While my brain is telling me that it doesn't really matter how great she is to me NOW. She has still done these terrible things that made me feel really bad. This is the person she is to me, not the one who's being great and doing everything to get me back. Heck, just writing this makes me think "what does it matter if she'd be really good to me now? The odds for that being really low, but what in this world would make me take that risk?"

What hits me is the feeling of low self-worth that I've been struggling all my life. That I really can't do better than this. I know this isnt true though.

Anyone else had similair feelings when you're starting to get distance from the whole situation?

[Thread]

I'm going through the same mixed emotions. I've made a decision to leave come September, but I keep going back and forth in my head.

My therapist had me make a list each dysregulation of the things being sad. I've been re reading through the literal crazy and it's kinda of helping me keep on the path. Obviously it's too late for you to keep records, but maybe you write stuff down too. When my head replays the nice moments I have to force myself to dwell on the ones where I felt damaged, no one willingly wants to remember those times, it's always easier to dwell on the good stuff.

Maybe find a good therapist who can help you stay on track. I also think I think I deserve this situation or am used to this sort of treatment, that's something I need to work in as well, I'm actually a incredible human being, but allow people to tell me otherwise and let it dictate my own self worth.

[krax]

You're right. I should really try to write everything down. Remind myself. It worker 5 years ago when i got ditched by my other exBPDgf (haha... .). It should work now aswell.

The last time I was left and I didnt have much say in it. I was devastated, but there was nothing I could do about it. This time I have an option, and I hate that. She is just a phonecall away, she'd go back in a heartbeat, I know it. It makes me furious sometimes, like right know. Why the **** couldnt she behave this way when she had me? Why did she have to throw me back and forth, never decide if she'd leave her ex for me or not. And when it was "she and I", she wasnt happy (or "im not unhappy, but im lost" as she'd call it). And why did I put up with it.

Why has she NOW decided that she would be good to me, oh yeah, because I left her and she cant handle that... .And WHY do I keep responding to her texts all the time? Im so frustrated with myself.

[JerryRG]

Hey krax

I've been there too, as we are human with real emotion and we nons are problem solvers and less the dramatic selfish people we were with we seek forgiveness and resolution.

I started writing all the crazy in a notebook and it's still all there in my memory, I stopped fighting the emotions that come with the painful memories. Emotion is energy and it won't help resisting it. Working out, exercise is my best solution to getting anger out and fear.

We have all been through hell and dealing with irrational people, little if anything makes sense. I'm still confused but I have accepted my ex is mentally ill and that gives me peace.

Keep working on YOU, things get better, the fog clears and life can be good again.

My relationship was my addiction and now I know how unhealthy it was and I knew in my heart it had to end.

Remember to try not to make sense out of people with BPD, it will keep you forever inside the vortex of confusion and cost you precious resources that would you can use to better your life.

Hope you feel better soon, keep walking forward

[cc 69]

Hi yes think we all go though it one week I'm fine the next the feeling are right back... the pain that comes with them feeling are what keep me going. . It's an addition we have but blinded in love take each day at a time cos time heals everything in the end. ... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey krax, Yes, I believe it was that bad.  You left for a reason.  Don't lose sight of that.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I understand how uncomfortable it must be to see her at work, so you might need to work on some strategies on how to handle it.  For example, you could practice detachment and look at her more like an observer.  You could also come up with some possible responses, in advance, before she starts flirting or toying with you at work.  Think about some basic things you could say that would delineate a good boundary for you.  It's not easy, I know!

LuckyJim

[Thread]

Why the **** couldnt she behave this way when she had me?  

I think this each time he freaks out and rages and I've had enough I decide I will leave, the he turns around tries really really hard and is really really nice and it's mine why couldn't you have done this x amount of years ago before it got to the point of me having nothing left to give anymore?

Just keep remembering that each interaction will be this cycle of you do go back. It may effect your health. It's already Effecting your daily life. Don't let it back it! Keep moving forward!

I hope you can so I can also believe I will too!

[Thread]

[Why the **** couldnt she behave this way when she had me? ]

I think this each time he freaks out and rages and I've had enough I decide I will leave, the he turns around tries really really hard and is really really nice and it's mine why couldn't you have done this x amount of years ago before it got to the point of me having nothing left to give anymore?

Just keep remembering that each interaction will be this cycle of you do go back. It may effect your health. It's already Effecting your daily life. Don't let it back it! Keep moving forward!

I hope you can so I can also believe I will too! [/quote]

[krax]

[Why the **** couldnt she behave this way when she had me? ]

I think this each time he freaks out and rages and I've had enough I decide I will leave, the he turns around tries really really hard and is really really nice and it's mine why couldn't you have done this x amount of years ago before it got to the point of me having nothing left to give anymore?

Just keep remembering that each interaction will be this cycle of you do go back. It may effect your health. It's already Effecting your daily life. Don't let it back it! Keep moving forward!

I hope you can so I can also believe I will too!

[/quote]
It's really nice to read this. Thank you so much   Im kind of in a bad place right now. We work the night shift together tonight, which we havent really done since before the break-up. Working night shift together means there's not really much to do, and you work really close together, which mean alot of interraction and opportunities for her. Im bracing myself to stand strong... .

[KatyK2016]

I feel your struggle. For a while I was only looking up my ex's BPII symptoms and not reading on BPD. BPD in my opinion is much more insidious than BP. The two together... .I have no idea how I lasted so long.

I'm at the stage where I get that my ex may not ever come back however I'm 100% positive that he was reacting and triggered my horrible text messages after I got mad at him. Dump me before I dump him type of thing. I think I've been recycled twice already. They just seemed like fights to me. I just reposted wondering if he'd be back. We have been at 3 months since he painted me black and ran away.

Reading your post makes me wonder if I really want that. This whole situation also made me realize that I have my own narcissistic traits that allowed for our relationship to last as long as it did. Now I realize that I have some pretty shi*** personality issues of my own to work on.

One of the things that does worry me is that I was around his cycles intensely for the last 8 months or so. Now I find myself catching my feelings in waves. It makes me wonder if this is all the residual wear of being around someone that always had me in a constant state of up and down. I feel like I definilty lost whoever I was before I met him. I look at photos and half the friends I had then, I don't anymore. Either because they proved to be a jerk or because I'd rather just hang out with him most of the time. My work and my family relationships have gone down the tubes. I got very depressed and it's been really hard to get past these 2 months. All this pain is no joke. I just keep wondering if it feels this bad for me how must if feel for him!

Then I think, he doesn't care about my pain so why should I care about his? But I do. I also have PTSD from a previous relationship. I given that as well, we trauma bonded. Here is blurb. Hope it helps. Made sense for me.

"Both Borderlines and the people attracted to them, incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this coupling is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you. You've compensated for self-worth injuries and insecurities by becoming a people-pleaser and super-giver. The Borderline has compensated for insecurities by being a seducer, super-user~ but the scars from that early time in life remain."

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Katy, Welcome.  Sure, a BPD r/s wears you down.  It's exhausting to be on the roller coaster.  I was once as isolated as you are now and would like to suggest that you be careful about losing touch with family and friends, because without them you can lose all perspective on life.  I did.  I lost myself for a while there, as you describe happening to you.  Not fun, believe me.  Isolation can lead to depression.  I think you are right to question whether you "really want that."  Agree, presumably you have your own issues to work on, which in my view is why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  At least that's what happened to me.  The good news is, you can make changes and get back on your path.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim