For those of you who are doing NC...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would like to know your stories regarding NC. Did you initiate the NC, or your ex? If it is the former, what made you take that step? What circumstances led to it? What was your last exchange with your ex like? Was it a bad one? Did it leave you with some closure? I'm asking these questions hoping to gain some perspective on my own experience. Right now, I have no idea if my story is unique, or if its the norm.

After our relationship ended, my ex and I remained in contact and talked often. On average I would say we talked on the phone or on skype every other day. These conversations would often go on for hours. We were very close. I thought we could just be friends. I wanted her in my life so badly that I told myself that I should be grateful for our frequent conversations. And I was. We had so much in common and talking to her was often the high point of my day. But at the same time, it was slowly killing me. I'm sure some of you can relate to this. I couldn't get past a lot of relationship stuff that I never got closure on, and sometimes I couldn't help resurrecting it with her. I always suspected that she was less than honest with me regarding certain things. The last time we talked, I finally got her to admit something that hurt me a lot. I thought I was ready to hear it, but I wasn't. I don't like admitting this, but I began sobbing uncontrollably. She was on the other end asking me if I was ok. I could hear genuine concern in her voice, but I hung up. And I decided right then and there that that was my conversation with her. That was almost nine months ago, and I'm still just as hurt and angry today as I was on the day I hung up on her. For about a week afterward, she tried calling me repeatedly, leaving messages asking me if I am alright. But I didn't have it in me to respond. Sense going NC, I'm forgetting all of the good qualities that I did see in her. I have to constantly remind myself that those qualities existed. It's like I've become blinded by my own pain. Or was I blinded before, and now I can see the real her? I don't know anymore. Most days all I can feel for her is hate. But I do have moments when I am bothered by how I ended things. Some days I question if she deserved that, and I sometimes entertain the idea of calling her back and ending things in a better way. We've exchanged a few emails sense that last phone conversation. She emailed me to wish me a happy birthday, and I did the same on her birthday. I also tried explaining why I no longer feel comfortable talking to her. But the emails haven't given me the closure that I feel I would get from a phone conversation, which is more personal. I no longer want her in my life. Going NC was the smartest thing I've done sense meeting her. But how it happened bothers me. Given how close we once were, and what she once meant to me, I hate the way it all ended. There were no goodbyes said. I hung up on her in mid-sentence. That last conversation will always haunt me if I don't make efforts to fix it. Part of me would like to call her one last time just to say goodbye. That's very important to me. But another part of me feels that any further contact will only undo what healing and clarity I've accomplished.  

To further complicate things, I'm also in the process of writing a long, angry letter to her, telling her all the ways she hurt me. There is so much that I kept bottled up inside, and I feel that finally getting it all off my chest is something I need for closure. And yet, I feel that calling her back and ending things on good terms is what I need for closure as well. I obviously can't do both. My brain is taking me in two opposing directions, and I'm conflicted on where to go from here. All I know is that there is still something left for me to do. NC alone isn't enough to heal me from this. Something is left unfinished. I just need to figure out what it is.

How common is my story? Can anyone relate to this?

[Nuitari]

I would like to know your stories regarding NC. Did you initiate the NC, or your ex? If it is the former, what made you take that step? What circumstances led to it? What was your last exchange with your ex like? Was it a bad one? Did it leave you with some closure? I'm asking these questions hoping to gain some perspective on my own experience. Right now, I have no idea if my story is unique, or if its the norm.

After our relationship ended, my ex and I remained in contact and talked often. On average I would say we talked on the phone or on skype every other day. These conversations would often go on for hours. We were very close. I thought we could just be friends. I wanted her in my life so badly that I told myself that I should be grateful for our frequent conversations. And I was. We had so much in common and talking to her was often the high point of my day. But at the same time, it was slowly killing me. I'm sure some of you can relate to this. I couldn't get past a lot of relationship stuff that I never got closure on, and sometimes I couldn't help resurrecting it with her. I always suspected that she was less than honest with me regarding certain things. The last time we talked, I finally got her to admit something that hurt me a lot. I thought I was ready to hear it, but I wasn't. I don't like admitting this, but I began sobbing uncontrollably. She was on the other end asking me if I was ok. I could hear genuine concern in her voice, but I hung up. And I decided right then and there that that was my conversation with her. That was almost nine months ago, and I'm still just as hurt and angry today as I was on the day I hung up on her. For about a week afterward, she tried calling me repeatedly, leaving messages asking me if I am alright. But I didn't have it in me to respond. Sense going NC, I'm forgetting all of the good qualities that I did see in her. I have to constantly remind myself that those qualities existed. It's like I've become blinded by my own pain. Or was I blinded before, and now I can see the real her? I don't know anymore. Most days all I can feel for her is hate. But I do have moments when I am bothered by how I ended things. Some days I question if she deserved that, and I sometimes entertain the idea of calling her back and ending things in a better way. We've exchanged a few emails sense that last phone conversation. She emailed me to wish me a happy birthday, and I did the same on her birthday. I also tried explaining why I no longer feel comfortable talking to her. But the emails haven't given me the closure that I feel I would get from a phone conversation, which is more personal. I no longer want her in my life. Going NC was the smartest thing I've done sense meeting her. But how it happened bothers me. Given how close we once were, and what she once meant to me, I hate the way it all ended. There were no goodbyes said. I hung up on her in mid-sentence. That last conversation will always haunt me if I don't make efforts to fix it. Part of me would like to call her one last time just to say goodbye. That's very important to me. But another part of me feels that any further contact will only undo what healing and clarity I've accomplished.  

To further complicate things, I'm also in the process of writing a long, angry letter to her, telling her all the ways she hurt me. There is so much that I kept bottled up inside, and I feel that finally getting it all off my chest is something I need for closure. And yet, I feel that calling her back and ending things on good terms is what I need for closure as well. I obviously can't do both. My brain is taking me in two opposing directions, and I'm conflicted on where to go from here. All I know is that there is still something left for me to do. NC alone isn't enough to heal me from this. Something is left unfinished. I just need to figure out what it is.

How common is my story? Can anyone relate to this?

[freemanstrut]

___ that.  :)on't blame yourself for how NC began.  You want to be understood.  You want to express yourself to someone who has no grasp on reality in the way that you understand it.  You want someone incapable of putting themselves in your shoes to understand your perspective.  

You want closure.  There is no guarantee of closure.  All of those questions about things your ex has been less than honest about?  They're still going to exist whether or not you contact her.

Accept it.

We're all in similar boats.  Stumble out of the smoke and mirrors.  It hurts, but would you ever really trust your ex to be honest?  To give you the answers that would give you closure?  If you'd still be skeptical even after hearing them swear up and down that it's true, then it's time to step back, stop doubting yourself, and enjoy the dubious peace you have earned.

I'm sorry that it's not much, but it's all you've got, and that's okay.  Stop focusing on them.  Focus on yourself.

[freemanstrut]

I suppose I owe you a story, per your first post.

I initiated NC.  She wanted to salvage the relationship, but I didn't trust her.  Not even a little bit.  The more I knew about her, the more I knew about how she thought and how she used people, the more she seemed like poison to me.  Someone totally selfish who talked a good game about getting better and never delivered.

My last exchange with my ex... .well, that's an amusing question on its own.  The last time I spoke with her?  Just shy of a month ago.  We broke up a week and a half or so before that.  Our last exchange consisted of me telling her not to contact me and her begging me not to block her.

That didn't bring closure.

I still cared about her.  I still hoped she was sober and healthy - even though I knew better.

She tried to contact me through every medium she could muster to try to get to me.  Asking me to talk.  Pleading for me to talk to her just once.  And I was sorely ___ing tempted to talk to her.  To hear a hint of contrition.  To hear a confession of some misdeed I had not yet been aware of.  To find some justification to keep her on the pedestal I had built for her, and that she had bedecked in bold promises of change and sobriety.

Somehow I've managed to keep from messaging her.  From "I hope you are well" to a torrent of angst and obscenity.  She is owed both. 

But she is simply not my problem anymore, and I don't care anymore whether she sinks or swims.

[Invictus01]

There are a lot of stories on here with people trying to be "friends" right after the final blow up. They all have a very similar ending because in just about every case, the person really doesn't want to be "just friends". You see, you can only be just friends when you are at the point when you can sit down with your "friend", listen to her tell you a story how she picked up a dude the other weekend, had some fun with him over night and might or might not call him back. And your reaction is to high five her and tell her "good job!" If you got raging jealously going on when you hear that, you aren't "just friends".

But anyway. My suggestion - skip letters, skip goodbyes, stay NC, work on yourself, get your head straight. One day you will be able to have a polite conversation with her. But I promise you one thing - I very very highly doubt that you will be able to be "just friends" with somebody who hurt you that badly.

[Dhand77]

She discarded me in January. Initially, I had hope. So, I begged and pleaded with her. Tried to make her realize my love for her was true, and that I was willing to do whatever I could to fix us. She told me not to contact her. I complied. Then I learned that the majority of our post break up was about her overstepping boundaries and disrespecting my space.

Two weeks later she approached me in the lobby of our work place, but by then, I was consumed with anger and told her to leave me alone. The next few days that followed, we exchanged some rather nasty emails with each other, and I stayed no contact for about a month. Then she painted black my co-workers and became very rude to them all after she tried friending them all on FB and they refused her requests. I broke NC and really tore into her for that one, while telling her to stay out of my life and to leave myself and my friends out of her's.

Bad move.

She accused me of being crazy, and threatened me with a restraining order. Lol. Ironically, I was the one asking HER to LEAVE ME ALONE.

April 7th was the last time we "spoke". It's been NC ever since. I'm sure in her mind, she's the one that has initiated NC, but I feel like this is more MY decision. I hold the keys this time around. The ball is in my court. The decision like solely with me and I have no intention of breaking NC ever again. I'll never give her the opportunity to project her crazy on to me.

[DazedD23]

So the tables got turned on you?

See I'm wondering if that's what all the charming attempts are all about? They know we are wounded and hurting so when we go no contact on them do they switch things up a notch by backing you in to a corner so tight that you come charging out like a dog, you react and tell them to leave you alone and then they turn the tables and get everyone on side because you feel you have no alternative but to defend yourself. Your defence is made to look like an attack.

Mine has been using very subtle charming tricks on me and I didn't bite. Believe you me I've wanted to, I've wanted to scream abuse at her but I know I'll look the crazy one. She then upped the game and broke her own no contact request after 5 days, saying she misses me and loves me, I'm her best friend, she can't lose me, she'll wait for my friendship and in the very same txts go on about how we will never work and say I'm to needy etc... Of course out of some weird arse fault with myself decide to respond giving her exactly what she needs at that moment in time whilst probably using my energy she has taken to lovebomb the new supply.

I don't know if I'm a million miles away or if I'm starting to cotton on quickly. All i know is it set me back three weeks and I'm a mess for being in contact with her again. I played right in to her hands just as I always have.

Closure? No, just more hurt and pain awaits your sorry arse if my experience is anything to go by. 

[gotbushels]

... .

You want closure.  There is no guarantee of closure.  All of those questions about things your ex has been less than honest about?  They're still going to exist whether or not you contact her.

Accept it.

It hurts, but would you ever really trust your ex to be honest?  To give you the answers that would give you closure? 

... .

Stop focusing on them.  Focus on yourself.

I think this is excellent. I'd add the reminder that accepting doesn't mean agreeing, but accepting seems to usually be required to move to later stages. In fact, acceptance is stage 1 on the sidebar.

[Nuitari]

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I need to clarify something. I've accepted that I'll never get answers from her that I can believe. I gave up trying that day I hung up on her. The "closure" I'm talking about has nothing to do with trying to understand why my ex did this or that, or with getting answers. I've abandoned any hope of having an adult conversation with her long ago. I would just like to have a final conversation with her that doesn't involve me hanging up on her in mid-sentence. If I can do that, maybe that'll be enough. If I do one day choose to call her, it will be without any expectations of her. It's only about me saying goodbye. I never said it. I just hung up on her. I cut her off in mid-sentence. I'm not sure I can live with ending things like that. Saying goodbye is very important to me. It's the only kind of closure I'm seeking from calling her. Its such a simple thing, and yet so hard for me to do.

[MapleBob]

I would like to know your stories regarding NC. Did you initiate the NC, or your ex? If it is the former, what made you take that step? What circumstances led to it? What was your last exchange with your ex like? Was it a bad one? Did it leave you with some closure?

First of all, I think that "closure" is a confusing term for a lot of people, and I'm not sure that it really exists (leastwise regarding a breakup with a pwBPD). A breakup that isn't mutual is an unresolvable disagreement, and those are hard to find closure on. I guess I'm trying to say that breakups don't feel good, and they take a long time to make sense of and come to terms with, and that's your closure.

My NC story: Our first period of NC was about six weeks right after the breakup. I got in touch with her again about getting some of my belongings back and it spiraled into an emotional discussion where we decided to be in touch again to see if we could work some things out or become friends/stay friendly. That phase went on for 10-or-so months and it was a very confusing and painful (and clarifying and wonderful) period - but it wasn't ever what I (or her) wanted it to be. Any time things seemed like they were settling in to a fairly comfortable routine she'd throw a wrench in the gears (sabotaging). Discussions became increasingly circular, she gave mixed signals (and probably straight-up lied to me on more than one occasion), and I held the line for the most part and used what skills I could gather to deal with her. Until, around the New Year, she said that she couldn't do it anymore (in a painful, insulting, and out-of-the-blue fashion), and we've been NC since. I guess that I feel some amount of closure (given that we at least made the attempt), but with so much dysregulation/distortion on her part I really don't feel understood. Our last exchange was fairly cordial because I allowed it to be, and chose to agree with her (even though I ultimately didn't agree with her). Things are still slightly open-ended (she's allowed to contact me if she ever wants to), and that doesn't really bother me anymore (it's been almost six months, so I figure I'm beyond the "recycle" window).

I've come to the conclusion that we couldn't ever be "just friends", and she is FAR too difficult in her current state to be "more than friends". So I guess that's closure.

[sweet tooth]

I've had 3 BPD females in my life. I'm 30.

The first was in high school, 11th grade. She was an officially diagnosed BPD. She used to cut herself in front of me.  Ironically, this is the one that caused me the least damage.  She broke up with me, via text.  There was a phone call (I can't recall who called who).  I asked her why she broke up with me.  She wouldn't tell me.  I've seen her a handful of times in the past decade. We're friends on Facebook. No hard feelings by either party, and from what I understand she actually recovered.

The second was two years ago.  She love bombed me hardcore even though she was seeing a different guy. It was REALLY over the top. She told a friend of mine, "I love Sweet Tooth and I want to marry him." I assumed that she and the other guy weren't very serious. In hindsight she was triangulating me. We went on a date. SHE referred to it as such and said, "It will be so romantic." Halfway through she dropped the bomb on me that she was pregnant with the other guy's kid. They had only been seeing each other for a couple of months, and she was less than six months off of a divorce. I was humiliated and furious. We also worked together (including the second guy), which made things complicated. They went away on a trip.  When they came back I initiated LC. She called me out on it and I FLIPPED. I really laid into her.  She started causing problems with me at work. It escalated that we had to have a meeting with the manager. I blocked her from everything. It was an easy decision. I only spoke to her if it was work related. She quit when the baby was born and that was that. She came into the place a few times and I just blew her off.

The last one was this past year and the reason why I'm on the board.  She kept flip flopping whether or not we were friends. To make a long story short, she would invite me to romantic places and then tell me she just wanted to be friends. She exhibited non-stop contradictory and unusual behaviors. She would tell me stuff like, "I wanted to kiss you, but I was scared," yadda yadda yadda. She routinely disappeared for weeks or a month at a time.  I would call and text and she wouldn't respond. Her excuse was, "I get withdrawn sometimes" or "I've been depressed." Anyway, we had a very fun Valentine's weekend. We went to a wedding show that was HER idea, even though she just wanted to be friends. I gave her a photo album of us and she kept telling me how awesome I am. She brought up how we "have to go back to the beach." Two days later (TWO!) on Valentine's Day, she picked a fight with me.  I looked at her LinkedIn page without adding her and she said, "It made her feel uncomfortable." I said, okay. Then I apologized and added her.  Problem solved.  Later that night I get a bizarre text that says, "(paraphrased), Take the pics of us down on Facebook. They're causing me emotional distress. We're not a couple." I said, okay. Then I addressed my concerns. I told her that "sometimes it seems we are a couple and other times it feels like we're not." She was cold hearted and said, "It's not to be discussed. It's to be accepted." Then I told her how I care about her more than I've ever cared about anybody and I'll never stop caring about her. I guess that was too much for her.  She told me that she needed space and that I "don't even know her." I said okay.

Meanwhile, we were supposed to go away with some friends of mine for my birthday.  My birthday came and went and I never heard from her. I was crushed.  Two weeks later I messaged her telling her "I know you need space. Take your time." I also told her how I did research on her medical condition (NOT BPD) to help understand it better and how I can avoid triggering her. I also apologized for not being as understanding as I could. She responded by saying, ":)o not contact me again."

I said goodbye, that I was falling in love with her, and that I wish her the best. That was March 1st. I haven't heard from her directly since, although she stalked my LinkedIn page for a few weeks afterward. I also received a mysterious "no caller ID" phone call.  

Will I hear from her again? I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not, which is one reason why it's so upsetting. I'm still heart broken.  I don't understand how somebody can simultaneously be so loving and so cruel. I think about her every day. It hurts very much.  I don't know how to cope with it, really.

Anyway, there you go. Three females, each situation more intense than the last. One was a relatively normal breakup. Two were humiliating. One I initiated LC/NC, the other I was discarded.

[Nuitari]

Our last exchange was fairly cordial... .

This is what I want, a cordial last exchange. I didn't have that. I just hung up on her. Never even a goodbye. I don't regret the NC, but I have lingering regrets about how it happened. I have a very non-assertive history with her, and so I have all this pent up stuff that I need to get out. I'm tempted to just let it all slide, call her, wish her the best, and say goodbye. Maybe I can do that someday. Right now I am still so hurt and angry that I can't talk to her because I know if I tried the conversation would not end well. I feel such a strong need to unburden myself and unleash all these feelings that I've kept locked away from her. That, in itself, will give me some amount of closure, but only at the expense of a cordial goodbye. This is really tearing me apart. I keep hearing that I have to give myself my own closure, but I'm torn between these two different paths, both of which I feel I need.

It's like Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. If I want to know where the particle is, I give up any knowledge about it's momentum. If I choose to measure it's momentum, any knowledge of its position is lost. If I vent my anger on me ex, an almost uncontrollable urge, then I have to sacrifice our cordial last exchange, and vice versa. There's no way to have both. I can't understand why I even want a cordial last exchange with someone who treated me so badly, but its important to me.

[C.Stein]

This is what I want, a cordial last exchange. I didn't have that.

I got this "cordial" exchange more or less and I regret it to this day.  The memory of that "goodbye", the way she acted, the things she said and implied haunt me to this day.  It has been one of the most prominent ruminations I have had to deal with since and has caused a great deal of pain and anger.  There was no closure, if anything it was the opposite.  Something to keep in mind.

[MapleBob]

This is what I want, a cordial last exchange. I didn't have that.

I got this "cordial" exchange more or less and I regret it to this day.  The memory of that "goodbye", the way she acted, the things she said and implied haunt me to this day.  It has been one of the most prominent ruminations I have had to deal with since and has caused a great deal of pain and anger.  There was no closure, if anything it was the opposite.  Something to keep in mind.

I know that feeling. BOY do I know that feeling. If you do the cordial last exchange then you wind up feeling like a chump for parting with peace from someone that unapologetically caused you a lot of pain, and that doesn't feel right. But if you rip into them about all of the messed-up ways they've treated you then you leave feeling like you didn't try hard enough, or like you should have taken the high road.

I had two breakups with my uBPDex: the relationship one, and the friendship (if you could call it that) one. The first one I went straight into NC for six weeks, didn't do a nice goodbye or anything, just "fine then!" The second one was more dragged out and I fake-agreed with her decision not to be involved with each other any more, reached out to her one time after a few months and was semi-politely rebuked, and then dropped it entirely. It's hard to say which worked out better for me, but for you, Nuitari: I think that having contact with her is going to hurt, one way or the other.

[Nuitari]

I know that feeling. BOY do I know that feeling. If you do the cordial last exchange then you wind up feeling like a chump for parting with peace from someone that unapologetically caused you a lot of pain, and that doesn't feel right. But if you rip into them about all of the messed-up ways they've treated you then you leave feeling like you didn't try hard enough, or like you should have taken the high road.

Yes, this what I keep thinking. It's catch 22. Either way, its going to suck. I can't commit to either right now because I can't decide from one minute to the next what I want.

I think that having contact with her is going to hurt, one way or the other.

I know that you are right about this, but what's my third option? I feel compelled to do something. Simply going through the motions each day of pretending I'm ok is only going to get me so far. At some point something has to give. I keep hearing that NC is the only way, but its been nine months and I'm in no better shape now than I was on day one. The nights are the hardest. I relive all the traumatic memories in my sleep, and wake up every morning with the wounds fresh again, and with a renewed need to vent all of my anger at her. The NC isn't doing for me what it should be. If anything, it has only intensified my anger and resentment that I feel toward her.

All of the good memories are slipping away, and I question now if any of them were genuine. There wasn't a doubt about that before. The NC is either giving me a clearer perspective on her, or it has given me an even more warped view of who she is. All I know is that the NC has brought me to an even more emotional state, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore. What seems like a great solution to my problem one day is suddenly ridiculous to me on the next. I try to comfort myself by reminding myself that I don't have to make any decisions today. Its not like I have a deadline. I can take all the time I need to sort it all out. But its so hard to walk around with all of these powerful conflicting feelings day after day. It's slowly wearing me down.

[WoundedBibi]

You don't have to go through the motions and pretend you are ok all the time.

I think your third option is what you are doing, doing nothing until you have figured things out. And once you have, chances are the need to communicate with her will be gone (IMO your perspective of her now you have been NC is the correct one but that's just my opinion).

The best way to figure things out and work through your emotional state? Finding a good therapist. With a therapist you don't have to pretend you are ok all the time either, you can say everything and anything that is on your mind even when it changes every time you talk about it.

[MapleBob]

You don't have to go through the motions and pretend you are ok all the time.

I think your third option is what you are doing, doing nothing until you have figured things out. And once you have, chances are the need to communicate with her will be gone (IMO your perspective of her now you have been NC is the correct one but that's just my opinion).

The best way to figure things out and work through your emotional state? Finding a good therapist. With a therapist you don't have to pretend you are ok all the time either, you can say everything and anything that is on your mind even when it changes every time you talk about it.

Agreed. Very few of us here were or are "okay" with NC, or with the way things turned out with our exes. But you get there a little bit at a time. Therapists can also be a GREAT source of validation - which I think is, ironically, the true prescription for healing from these confusing abandonments. "You did your best even when they did their worst" can be really gratifying to hear (and come to believe).

[balletomane]

I initiated NC. At the time it didn't even feel like a choice - it felt like my back had finally snapped under the weight of everything my ex had piled on me, I just couldn't cope any more, and crawling away was the only thing I could do. Literally the only thing. I regretted that I hadn't cut contact sooner, and walked away with some dignity instead of dragging myself away in such a broken state. Looking back, I am able to be kinder to myself, and see that I was not forced into going NC and I did make a real choice for myself.

My ex and I broke up due to his increasingly paranoid beliefs (mainly involving me cheating on him and secretly despising him - none of it true) and the vicious rages these led to. When he was suspicious of me, nothing I said or did would ever help; everything I did just confirmed his beliefs. If I challenged them, that just proved I was defensive and hostile because I had something to hide. If I reacted gently and tried to comfort him, recognising he was in pain, that was just proof that I was scheming and manipulative and trying to cover up the truth. Eventually he dumped me because I told a couple of close friends some of the things he'd done to me - I'd actually been covering up FOR him for so long - and they were horrified and called it abuse. As soon as he no longer had me convinced that everything was my fault, he broke up with me. The recycle began very soon after and lasted for over a year. Even though I was devastated, I took his willingness to be with me as proof that he hadn't really meant any of the hurtful things he'd said. He said he couldn't even remember them. That was my comfort during the year-long 'unofficial' relationship. Then one day he met me out of the blue and told me that he had got together with his flatmate. "I knew I had to tell you soon because you can read me like an open book." This seemed to imply that if he could have got away without telling me, he would have done. When I started to cry, he reacted with disbelief: "We broke up over a year ago." In the same conversation, he told me that he hoped I would stay his friend, "because I need you." For the next six weeks I tried my best, but it became clear to me that he didn't really want friendship. He wanted not to feel guilty. To him it would have been great if I'd just faded into the background with a smile on my face and our contact had been reduced from multiple conversations daily to the occasional casual Facebook chat. But I couldn't do that. In the end I sent him an email explaining that I was going no contact because he had put me in an unfair and intolerable situation. He replied saying that I had badly hurt him and this was why he'd distanced himself, and my problem was that I couldn't understand that. I didn't answer.

I understand the desire for a 'good' ending, even if you can't have a happy one, but sometimes that's not possible. BPD is too messy for neat endings.

[bunny4523]

I would like to know your stories regarding NC. Did you initiate the NC, or your ex? If it is the former, what made you take that step? What circumstances led to it? What was your last exchange with your ex like? Was it a bad one? Did it leave you with some closure? I'm asking these questions hoping to gain some perspective on my own experience. Right now, I have no idea if my story is unique, or if its the norm.

In my situation, I would say I initiated it but didn't verbalize it.  I work with my exBPD partner.  Wasn't easy at first but I'm in a good place now.  NC is the only way to go in my opinion.  He did so many mean things to me during the relationship and during his initiated breakup that any casual conversation makes me angry.  He doesn't deserve to know anything about me or my life.  I do not want to let him in and I do not care about anything in his life.  I do this because it keeps me balanced, safe and keeps the ugly out of my head.  This is the only ex I have every cut out of my life.  Any of my other ex's would pick up the phone smiling if I called because we simply decided together to part ways.  My exBPD partner devalued and demeaned me, my family, friends and eventually my children.  HE does not get to have me as a friend.  We are not friends.  I do not have friends that treat me the way he did.  For me, it is that simple.  

It might be easier for me because we only dated for a year, 4 of those months we lived together. Although I did work with him for 7 years, thought I knew him. After I moved in is when things went bad.  Although I loved him and we were engaged... .there was always this off feeling in my gut.  All the words seemed right, the actions he took but my gut was telling me something was off.  I thought I was just getting cold feet since I had no real substantial reason for my hesitation... .just a feeling.  

As soon as I moved in, things changed. I saw the signs/red flags/dysfunciton and it didn't bond us closer, I started to pull away. He actually would tell me that he feels closer after those incidents - scared me, I knew that wasn't healthy.  I've had lots and lots of therapy over the years so I didnt' get completely sucked in and I never bought into the "fairy tale" he was selling.  I thought he was stuck in the honeymoon phase and eventually he would mellow out into the relationship and then we could grow deeper in love.  Only explaining that because I know alot of people on this sight were sucked in so it's so much harder for them to separate. I got out pretty quick after I saw the ugly.

I practiced my own closure techniques.  Wrote letters that I never sent, angry letters, pitty letters... . Vented to friends. Cried. Yelled. I wrote alot.  I never felt the need to send them.  To me that would re-open the wound because then he would respond and I no longer care what he thinks of me or our past together.  His opinion means nothing to me.   So I left my closure to my own control.  I also saw a therapist who specialized in BPD.  She helped me establish boundaries.

My exBPD just had his first grandchild.   I never even asked about the baby.  I do not engage with him unless it's work related.  If we cross in the hallway, I say nothing because I have nothing to say to him.  I'm very cordial and very professional and that is way more than he deserves.  I will not be mean because he did not break me.  He did not change me and make me bitter. I am a good person and I will continue to be happy and smile.  He does not get to take that from me.  

[Confused108]

Mine was my ex from 14 yo. We were friends for 2 years before that 12yo. Well my mom broke us up. My ex thought I was dating someone else . That was a lie my mom made up. Well my ex went to a mental hospital after that for a few months. When she came out and I tried getting back with her it was yea then no. It was so obvious she hated me. Even after I told her what my mom said was a lie and I loved her. She moved off te block and I never saw her again. Well she found me on FB Feb of 2013. She knew everything about me from pumping a mutual friend. I sensed she was trying on a very low level to come on to me but then shrugged it off. Well she always wanted to bring up what my mom did to her and I would always shut her down. Well last June we spoke about it and then she said u k ow I loved u? I said I didn't think so bc of how she treated me back then. She said then she never hated me. She was still in love with me. Well I took that hook line and sinker. Stupid me! She also told me she never thought about me in all those years. She blocked me out bc it was just too painful. Well we decided to give us another go . And yep right off the bat it was push pull. Love / hate.  Testing me. Then one night after a stupid comment that I made about a tatoo she said she needed space and 2 days later she ended things with me thru an email. I called her and said wait what are u doing I love u. Don't u love me? Nope she said in a very shaky voice. I don't love u romantically. Only as a friend and I don't know why I ever said that to you. In my next relationship she started to say ... .Then I just cut her off and said I'm done! Took her off FB friends list . Then the next day I find out she was stalking me there and I saw the her a message saying lets work this out. Now she said she def didn't love me bc of what I posted on FB. Well at 1 at she didn't want to remain friends then she did. She started to shove down my throat as long as I knew it was just for friends! Let's be clear I don't want this romantically! So I was so livid at that moment I told her nope we will not be friends!  You come back into my life chase me down. Swear up and down u still love me then play all This $hit  and break my heart the same way h did as 14yo teens. Nope I said your toxic for me and that I don't need. After that I got fake FB messages and blocked cell and house calls. So that's my story!

[DazedD23]

I was really angry with my ex as the break up was out of the blue unlike the last times where you couldn't help but see it coming. I was angry and hurt as there were no explanations, no warning signs and then pretty much straight in to no contact at her request after I tried reaching out. She cut me off just like that and I have been falling apart ever since.

I wanted some form of explanation, some form of closure, something anything. All I got was a phone call. 4 years and she ends it on the phone. That hurt that's for sure as I felt I deserved more after everything. I sat there scratching my head, picking things apart, recalling the weeks leading up to that call and pretty much spent the past 3 weeks coming up with all sorts of conclusions. She messaged me and was going on about how she loves me, I'm her best friend and how we can't be together but still no explanation. All she wanted to do was ease her guilt. I will only get that closure talk if and when she feels she wants to hurt me again and when it's convenient for her, like when she wants me to hurt. I'm closing that door to her because I don't need to know now as I accept that she's mentally unwell and she Dee's the world through different glasses to me.

As for her contacting me to tell me about her life, new man, how happy she is, well that's another door I'm shutting because I don't need to know, I don't want to know, why would I? There's nothing connecting us, no kids, no financial affairs, no property to discuss no nothing. So in my mind the easiest thing to do is walk away and try moving on and working through the mess this has caused me. My mind can cause me hurt over and over again so I don't need her to come back telling me who she is with, what she is doing nor do I need closure from her. She cut the chord so she is her own problem and I am mine. I can only work on me and get my own closure around why on earth I allowed her to emotionally abuse me for so long. I need to stop hurting and any contact with her will just result in more heartbreak and pain.

 

[Confused108]

I agree Dazed! My ex as tens after we remained friends before she totally went off the deep end would tell me who she was having sex with who she was fooling around with and I feel it was all done on purpose to hurt me.  That's why after her final discard of me I at first wanted to remain friends with her. Then I thought what she did to me as teens and said he'll NO! Bc I can guarantee that's what she would have done next just to rub more salt in my open reopened wounds!

[Nuitari]

One day you will be able to have a polite conversation with her.

I don't want any kind of relationship her now. Not romantic. Not platonic. Nothing. She hurt me too much. Its why I went NC. Having said that. I do have this fantasy of calling her years down the road, maybe a decade from now, just to catch up and see how she is doing. My gut tells me that it isn't good to desire this, but the thought of NEVER speaking to her again is still too much to wrap my head around. I'm not sure I'm ready to entertain the thought of that. For better or worse, she was a big part of my life, and I do want to know what happens with her's. This, I think, is a big part of the reason why I'm having reservations about sending that angry letter. If I do decide to contact her later in life, I don't want to do anything now that will further widen the rift between us. If I seek therapy, get my head straight, and learn to move on from her, then maybe one day, years from now, I can have that conversation with her without it having negative consequences for me emotionally. What I don't understand is, why do I desire to check up on her in the future? She hurt me in so many ways that I don't even know if forgiveness is even a possibility anymore. I can now see with an objective eye everything she has done (I even know that she doesn't know I know, and I am soo tempted to call her out on all of it), and I am sickened by what I see. She has no respect for anyone. She uses people like objects. Calling her a human being is very generous. This is how I see her now. So why do I feel the need to remain on friendly terms with her? This idea of calling her again someday in the future is something really important to me. I'm clinging to it to the point where it is inhibiting me from finding closure. Why? What's wrong with me?

I want to thank everyone for the replies. They have been very helpful. Reading them has actually given me an epiphany. The reason I haven't been able to bring myself to contact her in an effort give myself closure is because part of me doesn't want closure. The idea of it frightens me on some level. It would mean admitting to myself that its all over. Why is that so hard? I actually despise her now. My brain sees her for who and what she is. I know longer want a relationship with her. I know she is bad for me. But I'm still trying to cling to something.

Someone in another thread said that NC doesn't just constitute ceasing communication, but also ceasing looking at pictures, reading old texts and emails, etc, because these things, in their own way, are a form of contact in that you are keeping the relationship alive in your mind. I have pictures of her and I together. I can't bring myself to look at them anymore, but I also can't bring myself to get rid of them either. And I honestly cannot see myself trading those pictures for anything. They are more valuable to me than gold. I can't see myself ever parting with them. That's bad isn't it? If I can't throw away those pictures, what does that say about my recovery? Why do I feel a need to keep pictures of someone who I've come to despise so much? Pictures that I can't even look at anymore. There is a fear that a day will come in the future, when the memory of her face begins to fade, when I'll want to look at them, and will deeply regret having thrown them away. I think my inability to throw away those pictures is tied to my inability to say goodbye, or to lash out at her for all the pain she caused me. Both, in their own way, will mean admitting that its all over. I'm still trying to hold onto something. This is very eye-opening.