A text from Dr Jekyll

[Larmoyant]

After much debate (with myself!) I decided to text my exNPD/BPD that I will be leaving in a couple of weeks and will drop the last of his belongings at a friend’s. I’d just received news that my application for a new place had been accepted (I'm not telling him where because it's part of my new beginning) and felt such sadness and longing for him. I don’t know what I wanted really, just to reach out I suppose, one last time. I actually thought he’d be nasty (like our last few exchanges) or even ignore it, but several minutes later he sent this:

“I hope everything is working out for you. I wish you all the very best. I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship. Wish the boys the best for me. I did love you very much and am always available to you if you need someone. Finally, I hope your Mum remains well. X.”

Totally different to the last few texts where Mr Hyde was clearly present. And this part, "I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship" floored me. Not sure what I feel now. Shocked that he apologised, and very sad. I suppose I was hoping that he’d want me still, but this is obviously closure which I know on a logical level is best, but I loved this person.

He sounds ‘normal’ in this text, but he isn’t. This seemingly nice guy could never stay that way. I have terrible scars to prove it.

Whatever I was hoping to achieve it’s over now. I move in two weeks, lots to do until then. I have to start over again and it’s a painful process. Thanks for listening  :'( :'( :'(

[steelwork]

Congratulations on taking the next step forward in the life awaiting.

Thanks for sharing this. How do you feel about his apology? I mean, he's taking responsibility for being weak of character. I know if I got a text like that I'd still want to have a conversation about what happened, but then that's my breakup. I was stiff-armed. Maybe this is all you need.

[steelwork]

I should say: I don't mean you should seek more. I'm just asking if his text changes anything or advances your detachment, or if you are feeling more like, "oh well."

I mean, you say "This is closure." What does closure mean to you?

[C.Stein]

Totally different to the last few texts where Mr Hyde was clearly present. And this part, "I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship" floored me. Not sure what I feel now. Shocked that he apologised, and very sad. I suppose I was hoping that he’d want me still, but this is obviously closure which I know on a logical level is best, but I loved this person.

I might feel the same as you do here, shocked and confused.  My ex hasn't even acknowledged we even had a relationship or that she ever had any feelings for me or that she did anything wrong since she threw me away.  Apology ... .apparently I am not worthy of an apology, most likely because I am to blame for everything in her mind.  If I were to get something like what you got at this point I would be shocked, but I would also question her sincerity.  It would be nice though and had I gotten something like this a long time ago it would have helped tremendously in my healing.  The struggle to accept still rages on within me because I did and still do love her deeply on some levels and always will.  That doesn't mean I would take her back even if there is a part of me that still holds onto her and wants to believe we could make it work.  Sigh ... .still a mess I am.

Be happy and thankful he acknowledged, at least in part, he has a problem and feels some remorse.  Recognition on his part however doesn't mean he accepts responsibility for anything.  To truly accept responsibility would mean taking positive steps to address his issues and make significant changes.  This is difficult even for an emotionally stable person let alone someone who suffers from BPD.  My ex knows she has problems and can admit as much, but they are just words.   Positive and persistent self-actualizing change is sadly beyond her reach.  She instead looks externally to excuse/justify every destructive and hurtful thing she does.  I honestly don't know if this will ever change with her.  I want to believe it can for her sake and I hope it does, I just wish it had when we were together.  

 

[Lifewriter16]

And this part, "I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship" floored me.

If my BPDxbf had said that to me, he would mean: "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cope with you and all the problems you caused". He wouldn't be admitting to there being anything wrong with him. My BPDxbf felt that he was always supporting me. He said he was sick of our relationship being one long therapy session... .whilst there are clearly two sides to every story, his perception causes me such self doubt.

Lifewriter x

[catdv]

I would be very skeptical of this text.  I had a couple of phone conversations with my BPD ex (when we were still speaking), where he admitted to self sabotage and having to live with the consequences of his actions, but knowing him, I knew that he was dangling the bait.  No doubt, if I had taken the bait, the same pattern would continue, at some point he would have denied even saying those things. No way was I doing to take the bait. Action speaks louder than words.

[Invictus01]

Words don't mean anything. Carry on with what you were doing.

[steelwork]

Maybe not, but words can be an opportunity for self-reflection--for taking stock in your progress. At the very least, it seems warranted to pause and ask how the interaction makes you feel. I don't get the sense Larmoyant was considering further engagement anyhow. Correct me if I'm wrong?

[Larmoyant]

I’m going to possibly sound a little deranged, cynical and unkind because this relationship has deeply traumatised me and I find it difficult giving him the benefit of the doubt that he means any of what he wrote. E.g. he’s told me he loved me many times, usually when he wanted to recycle, but his actions didn’t match his words. Someone who loves you doesn’t rage and rant, leave you stranded, publicly humiliate you, lie, cheat, unfairly accuse, insinuate nasty things, triangulate you, devalue and tear you down. He wishes my boys the best, but called them ‘losers’. As for always being available for me if I need someone, well if I could stop crying for a while that is just laughable. What I think he means is “please be there if 'I' need someone”.

The part that’s floored and confused me is “I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship”. But, again, I doubt this is sincere. The apology is completely out of character. Like most of us here have experienced he (they) never takes responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault, usually mine. In fact, only recently I received a long list of my faults and failings leading up to the end of our relationship.

Now this is where I might sound a little deranged, but I think he could be referring to his recent dating of others almost immediately after we ended, but still trying to work it out with me. He eventually owned up to having “tried to move on” (whilst also trying to get back with me!), but cruelly played around with my emotions for a long while, neither admitting it or denying it. This, when I'd just discovered my mother had cancer. This was when I reached my enough moment and finally ended it. So, maybe it is a genuine apology, but I doubt it very much. It’s more likely an indirect way to confirm he had been dating and maybe still is. I know I sound crazy, but it could be a way to hurt me. He likes to hurt me and not as an outcome of borderline traits, but sadistic NPD pleasure. I have the memories and scars to prove it and experienced similar in the past. He likes to use our ‘break-ups’ as excuses to go date others. Basically, he was looking for someone ‘better’ and didn’t find her. Maybe he has now. Maybe he hasn’t. If I asked him I wouldn’t get a straight answer anyway. He likes this game.

As for closure. I was referring to his. What he wrote seemed so final. I’m not sure if he wants any more conversation. It doesn’t seem like it and I’m very afraid that if I tried to continue it he would reject me in some way so unless it’s clear he would like to talk more I can’t risk it, not anymore. If he senses I’m hurting (which I am) he would most certainly drop me on my head like so many times before. Again, he likes hurting me.

I’m not sure what closure means for me. I know part of me doesn’t want closure. Sometimes it hurts so much I’d do anything to stop it. Agree to a recycle again only I don’t believe it’s an option anymore. For him because I think he has a new ‘victim’ or me because I’d be a fool to try again.

I did respond to his text with a simple “That means a lot to me. Thank you”. I was fearful of writing more. If I apologised for something I’d done he would have jumped on that as confirmation that everything was my fault. Like so many times before and I refuse to take the blame anymore.  If I’d asked what he meant by his apology it may have led to him owning up to dating another woman and possibly still dating her and that would hurt me again. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t need to know that he’s happy with someone else especially as he told me a week or so ago that his life is great right now. I’m sick of hurting, tired of all the games, the chaos and the pain. It’s no way to live.

Sorry for ranting. I’m emotionally exhausted really. Totally burned out, but thanks for raising the question Steelwork.

[Herodias]

Good for you for moving on. Is it just me or did anyone else read into that text that he wished he was a stronger "character" like what character exactly? A character in a movie? I'm sorry but sometimes I take what they say literally since we took everything they said in the wrong context in the beginning. Don't get caught up in those words- they are only words - mine told me the same thing basically- sorry I failed you- whatever. Changed nothing. I can totally relate to what you have said here. I don't see your thoughts as deranged- I can see it as mine was very similar with the narc traits and possibly sociopath. I read we shouldn't get caught up in the title- mine wanted to come back to me the whole time. Even after this gf got pregnant! They want to attempt an apology in case they need you- you are correct. They had you so gaslighted in the past they think you will still fall for it. Be strong- you know what you went through. I'm sorry you are sad/ it's terrible to be abused like that and realize we excused them for so long. We miss the love bombing person in the beginning that they will do with the next person. Don't think twice. You have been through enough.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Herodias, I believe he likes to think of himself as a strong character, he tells a story of when he chased some thieves and was in the newspaper hailed as a hero. He also referred to himself as my rock (!). He used to tell me that I am so much happier and better off being with him and that I wouldn’t survive nearly as well without him. So I believe you are right. He perhaps has this ‘hero’ image of himself and maybe I’ve interfered with it in some way. You probably won’t believe me given I must sound so pathetic right now, but I became pretty good at working out when he was manipulating and gaslighting me. As my therapist told me he knows I get him, that I can see through much of his manipulation, at least now I can. Not so much in the beginning of course.

As for his words, I agree with everyone about not getting caught up in words. If I’ve learned one thing during this whole nightmare it’s 'Actions speak louder than Words'!

In any case, I felt stronger today and curiosity got the better of me. I texted him asking what he meant by “I’m sorry that I wasn’t of stronger character in our relationship”. I asked him what is he referring to, his use of dating sites, our non-engagement, dating others while professing to want me, the rages?

That was a while ago and I haven’t heard back, maybe I won’t. I’m ok with that. I’m not sitting on my phone waiting for his reply. Just curious. His response or lack of will probably tell me what I already suspect. His apology is insincere.

By the way Herodias. I've been following your story and so admire the way you are handling what he's done. Sending much support your way. 

[Larmoyant]

Quote from Lifewriter1: "If my BPDxbf had said that to me, he would mean: "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cope with you and all the problems you caused".

I've received a response to my question and Lifewriter1 we must have dated the same man because you hit the nail on the head!

Firstly, he denied being on dating sites, etc, etc, then in answer to my question of what he meant by "I'm sorry that I wasn't of stronger character in our relationship" he said that he meant he was sorry that he hadn't been strong enough to cope with me and wished he'd had the ability to deal with all the terrible things I did. Then wrote out a big long list to remind me what an awful person I am/was!

What do I feel now? A mixture really. Angry, with a desire to defend myself WITH supporting evidence, but also I actually laughed a little! Was I really expecting a sincere apology! As tempted as I was to try to put the record straight I simply replied "Ok. Thanks for clarifying".

I am astounded really. I wanted to think the best of him.

[C.Stein]

Sometimes it is not worth knowing the subtext.

[Lifewriter16]

Quote from Lifewriter: "If my BPDxbf had said that to me, he would mean: "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cope with you and all the problems you caused".

I've received a response to my question and Lifewriter we must have dated the same man because you hit the nail on the head!

Firstly, he denied being on dating sites, etc, etc, then in answer to my question of what he meant by "I'm sorry that I wasn't of stronger character in our relationship" he said that he meant he was sorry that he hadn't been strong enough to cope with me and wished he'd had the ability to deal with all the terrible things I did. Then wrote out a big long list to remind me what an awful person I am/was!

What do I feel now? A mixture really. Angry, with a desire to defend myself WITH supporting evidence, but also I actually laughed a little! Was I really expecting a sincere apology! As tempted as I was to try to put the record straight I simply replied "Ok. Thanks for clarifying".

I am astounded really. I wanted to think the best of him.

You dealt with that situation with dignity, Larmoyant. There's such temptation to get on the defensive, but it really doesn't make a jot of difference. I'm off to ring that project for women who have been subjected to domestic abuse... .

Love

Lifewriter xx

[steelwork]

Congratulations on keeping your cool, Larmoyant. You are an inspiration. I could not have handled that half as well.

[Herodias]

"By the way Herodias. I've been following your story and so admire the way you are handling what he's done. Sending much support your way. "

Thank you Larmoyant