uBPDbm's new job

[Thunderstruck]

uBPDbm is now working a second job at a "gentlemen's club" on certain nights. She claims it is only on the nights when SD11 is with us (her shift is until like 5am). I don't think she is up on the stage, I think she is just one of those ladies in tiny outfits passing out drinks.

We're not really sure what to do with this information. I feel that it's something the CE should know, but I'm trying to play devils advocate. How does it negatively affect SD? (I don't think SD knows right now where uBPDbm is working, but the two of them are very enmeshed so I don't think it'll be long until uBPDbm tells her). Also, uBPDbm won't tell us outright that this is where she is working (we found out through a friend) so we would probably have to "prove" that it is true.

This is my rant: DH stopped working in December to care for our baby full time and take classes to get his bachelor's degree. uBPDbm is now pretending that she has to take this second job because she is a "poor single mom working hard because her deadbeat ex refuses to work". She is telling SD that this second job is to "better take care of you". In reality we pay for SD's medical expenses (uBPDbm is supposed to reimburse us but we've never gotten a dime), health insurance, daycare, and any things she needs for school (lunch money, field trips, etc). PLUS we pay child support. It's all technically coming out of my pocket, so I'm pretty peeved off at uBPDbm playing the "poor" victim while I take care of her child.  

P.S. I'm pretty sure she's taking this job mostly because she gets paid in cash and won't have to claim it for taxes/child support.

[Nope]

uBPDbm is now working a second job at a "gentlemen's club" on certain nights... .

P.S. I'm pretty sure she's taking this job mostly because she gets paid in cash and won't have to claim it for taxes/child support.

This was my first thought. Pretty much anywhere she will be making very good money doing that and it will be completely unaccounted for in any way. I don't think there is going to be good reason to tell the GAL until after she develops the obligatory cocaine and partying habits. However, when you go to trade financials for a child support adjustment I would definitely advise you to have evidence of some kind that she is working there. She will most certainly try to hide the money from the judge and the court generally doesn't like it when parents try to hide money. And if it happens to get mentioned as an income source while she is being questioned on the stand then that certainly doesn't hurt your case.

[bravhart1]

Seems like a good place to troll for future partners too, watch out for mom bringing customers home.

[Thunderstruck]

I don't think there is going to be good reason to tell the GAL until after she develops the obligatory cocaine and partying habits.

uBPDbm doesn't have a history of using drugs and claims she "never" drinks. She does drink, but not very often (she doesn't like the empty calories or not being in control). However, since she is so obsessed with her weight I do think that she may turn to cocaine as a lazy way to be thin. She would desperately try to hide it, though (like she does now with the alcohol).

However, when you go to trade financials for a child support adjustment I would definitely advise you to have evidence of some kind that she is working there. She will most certainly try to hide the money from the judge and the court generally doesn't like it when parents try to hide money. And if it happens to get mentioned as an income source while she is being questioned on the stand then that certainly doesn't hurt your case.

This is going to be tough. We may have the subpoena the club for her work records. There is no way she will be giving us her bank statements or paystubs. But, who knows if she'll still be working there by the time we get to a final hearing.

I don't know if it'd work, but I was thinking we might ask for a child support deviation and just list SD's expenses and ask that half of them be covered by mom in the form of child support paid to DH monthly. If she ever bothered to pay us, we would take that money and put it in a college fund for SD.

Seems like a good place to troll for future partners too, watch out for mom bringing customers home.

We thought of that. She's already bringing around a string of "friends" that she meets off of the internet. She's on multiple dating sites/apps and we even found her profile for a "sugar daddy" website.  

I found a statistic that said as many as 55% of strippers have BPD. DH is more worried about her becoming friends with other "like minded" individuals and the impact that would have on SD11.

[bravhart1]

It's odd to see in real life, but our BPDm has hooked up with another BPDm at the school.

They def feed off each other, in good ways and very very bad.

They have a very volatile relationship as you can imagine but it's a year long, which is 52 weeks longer than I'd last being her friend.

[Thunderstruck]

This is uBPDbm's visitation weekend and she decided to pick up both a Friday night and a Saturday night shift. This means that SD11 will be alone from ~8pm until 5:30am both nights.

uBPDbm also is boycotting Our Family Wizard and hasn't logged on in 6 days (we're supposed to be reading and responding daily per the court order).

Where's the frustrated/mad emoji face?

[Nope]

I can't believe there is even a state that would allow that. In my state we could call the police for a welfare check and it would turn into an issue. There is a guideline here about such things and if we brought documentation in front of a judge proving she was caught doing something like that a judge would take that by itself very seriously.  It's just so shocking to me that there are places that just let that slide.

[sanemom]

This is uBPDbm's visitation weekend and she decided to pick up both a Friday night and a Saturday night shift. This means that SD11 will be alone from ~8pm until 5:30am both nights.

uBPDbm also is boycotting Our Family Wizard and hasn't logged on in 6 days (we're supposed to be reading and responding daily per the court order).

Where's the frustrated/mad emoji face?

I would definitely call for a welfare check once you make sure she went.  Would SD11 respond if you asked her if she was alone?

[ForeverDad]

From state to state the laws vary about minimum ages for latchkey children, 11 is an age where that may be okay provided the children are mature enough.  However that is usually focused on typical daytime absences.  For age 11 I don't know what the overnight rules or expectations might be.  What do local agencies say, police, children's services, children's counselors?

If BioM doesn't know that you know then maybe that would be awkward for DH to offer to take the children on nights she's away?  Or maybe it can be made a blanket offer?

[bravhart1]

I just don't see how anyone could think it was ok to leave an 11 year old alone overnight.

I wouldn't leave my 16yo alone overnight on a regular basis (perhaps ok in an emergency). I would have her stay with a friend or have an adult friend or relative come stay here.

How in the world could she cope with all the responsibility of what that entails? What about just the sheer anxiety and loneliness?

There MUST be someone in the court or therapy realm in your world that would agree?

[sanemom]

Yes, definitely check with your state's laws on how old is not old enough.  Some states have weaker laws on that than others.

I definitely would not leave an 11 year old home alone... .that is INSANE.  But... .look what we are dealing with here.

[Thunderstruck]

Yes, definitely check with your state's laws on how old is not old enough.  Some states have weaker laws on that than others.

I definitely would not leave an 11 year old home alone... .that is INSANE.  But... .look what we are dealing with here.

Our state is on the weaker side. We've had a problem of uBPDbm leaving SD alone since she was 7. We've tried CPS. We've tried welfare checks. We even spent thousands to go to the court. Everyone backs up uBPDbm because she makes it sound reasonable (claiming neighbors are watching her, etc.). They don't understand that she's been abusing it to the point of excess. It's been very frustrating.

We sent a message to uBPDbm yesterday offering to watch SD on the nights that she works. She read it and didn't respond. She's probably fuming and trying to figure out how we found out.

(uBPDbm is never going to let us watch SD overnight if she works. That would be less "overnights" which means less child support.)