Getting Your Things

[Our abuse recovery guide]

When I told my uBPD mother and uNPD father that I was moving out, things got ugly. They said if I leave, I am losing family, medical care, being disinherited, etc. Since then they waffled that they want to make things right and now are going back and forth. My deciding factor that I am going NC is that my mother called me to say that she doesn't love me anymore and our relationship causes her too much anxiety so she is cutting me out of her life (projection?). This hurt, even though I knew it all along. It was just tough to hear. That night, I got a text she wanted to go to therapy and fix things between us.

Anyway, I need to gather my things from home. I am conflicted on getting a police escort vs. going when they aren't there- I know they are going on vacation for a week. My grandparents live nearby and I was going to ask them if they could help me get in the house. Obviously, this is a no-go if they have been smear campaigned, I honestly don't know what my mom told them. I really don't want to see my parents again and have the huge ordeal of them being hysterical as I gather my things and they finally realize that I am gone for, forever.

I was making a list of things I wanted. At first, it was essentials like documents and clothes. Then, it turned into things that I had collected for an apartment/house one day- like a mixer, china sets, Christmas ornament collection, etc. that I will need right now. I am now realizing that I may need a pickup truck and probably need to scale down my list.

So, for anyone who had to return for their things, how did you do it, and how much/what things did you collect? I am probably losing beautiful china sets that were passed down for generations that I've been looking forward to using in my home one day. How do you deal with losing precious things like this? I could care less about missing out on my monetary inheritance, but I am really upset about the family heirlooms.

[poiu]

When I told my uBPD mother and uNPD father that I was moving out, things got ugly. They said if I leave, I am losing family, medical care, being disinherited, etc. Since then they waffled that they want to make things right and now are going back and forth. My deciding factor that I am going NC is that my mother called me to say that she doesn't love me anymore and our relationship causes her too much anxiety so she is cutting me out of her life (projection?). This hurt, even though I knew it all along. It was just tough to hear. That night, I got a text she wanted to go to therapy and fix things between us.

Anyway, I need to gather my things from home. I am conflicted on getting a police escort vs. going when they aren't there- I know they are going on vacation for a week. My grandparents live nearby and I was going to ask them if they could help me get in the house. Obviously, this is a no-go if they have been smear campaigned, I honestly don't know what my mom told them. I really don't want to see my parents again and have the huge ordeal of them being hysterical as I gather my things and they finally realize that I am gone for, forever.

I was making a list of things I wanted. At first, it was essentials like documents and clothes. Then, it turned into things that I had collected for an apartment/house one day- like a mixer, china sets, Christmas ornament collection, etc. that I will need right now. I am now realizing that I may need a pickup truck and probably need to scale down my list.

So, for anyone who had to return for their things, how did you do it, and how much/what things did you collect? I am probably losing beautiful china sets that were passed down for generations that I've been looking forward to using in my home one day. How do you deal with losing precious things like this? I could care less about missing out on my monetary inheritance, but I am really upset about the family heirlooms.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, poiu,

This is tough. I was married and living on my own when I decided to end contact with my parents, and I knew that would mean abandoning any claim on items that might have sentimental value for me in their house. My sister was kind enough to sneak out my wedding dress during one of her visits, but that's the only thing I really would have missed. One day I may see some of it again, but not likely. That is okay with me.

Your situation is different in that all of your belongings are there. I think asking for an escort at a time when your parents will be gone is a good plan. If you have any friends who can help you get things out, it will go faster and they may also be willing to let you use their vehicles--both of which might allow you to get more of your things. Most of my friends when I was the age I imagine you probably are would do just about anything for pizza and beer. 

I think you are right that your mother was probably projecting her feeling cut out of your life onto you when she said she was cutting you out. It also doesn't surprise me that she changed her mind. For what it's worth, it's probably best for you each to seek separate therapy for a while rather than try going together. It sounds like you already have a sense of that.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Kwamina]

Hi poiu

How are things now? Have you decided how you are going to get your stuff?

I think P.F.Change has shared some great insights with you, including the pizza part

It definitely hurts when one's own mother says these kinds of things. It does sound like she was likely projecting. People with BPD also often have a huge fear of abandonment. It could very well be that she sees you leaving as a form of abandonment and therefor has gone on the attack. In your mother's mind, she might be fully justified to treat you this way. She however wasn't justified. You are your own person and have the right to move out if that is what you want to do.

Being verbally abused isn't pleasant at all so I understand why you want to protect yourself from that kind of behavior. Going NC or not is always a highly personal decision. Going NC now also does not necessarily have to mean going NC forever. Whether you go NC or not, I think the crucial thing is to have firm boundaries. Do you feel like you are comfortable with setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your parents?

Take care

[Notwendy]

My mother held on to anything my father owned after he died. Not a picture or anything. Some things were quite valuable but to me, anything he had was sentimental. I both grieved losing him and mementos that I cherished.

Over time, like your mother, she softened and has let me have a few things. However, if she knows I want them, she holds them hostage. I am not proud of the fact that I have sneaked things that were mine out of the house, but it is hard to do as she watches me like a hawk when I am there. I have taken memories like my baby pictures, and some dolls I had as a kid.  Mostly I have had to give up on things emotionally rather than be held hostage to things I would have wanted.

Not that taking is justified, but she allows others to roam around her house and they have robbed her of things we wanted to have, so sometimes we feel we want to get them before a total stranger has them. Yet, she would rather not let us have them than keep them safe. She has given many things to people hardly connected to her. She'd even throw them out just to punish us. We are trustworthy in the sense that we don't take things that are hers, we are not interested in her property. Yet she trusts total strangers who have robbed her- of really valuable things that are hers- and not us.

I was talking to a sib about a favorite childhood book we had and he said he took it. I am so glad he has it because at least someone has that memory and it isn't stolen.

Sad, that we resorted to this. It feels kinda slimy to do this.

When my H's parents aged, they offered sentimental memories to their children, just like that. They asked him to come and take what he wanted something his grandfather built, pictures of his parents when they were young.  They were glad to know he wanted them. I can't imagine that. It would have been such a joy to have my parents gift me something like that.