sweet16
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: May 26, 2016, 05:39:46 PM » |
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Hello BPD family.
My ex (diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, Bipolar 2) told me about her diagnosis and referred me to this site during one of many attempts to reconnect with me since our split 1.5 years ago, and at that time, I wasn't ready to process her mental illness, my own mental illness, or the combination, nevermind speak with her, or accept or validate anything she had to say. Things are resurfacing for me in my personal life now, and so here I am! This forum is a bit overwhelming, so I'm hoping I can tell you about my experience and hear from you all about what my next steps should be.
I was in a (queer) relationship with someone with BPD for four years, from age 16-20 (they are two years older, 18-22). Through these formative years, just realizing my sexuality, and never having been in a significant relationship before, I clung to this relationship. It was my world. I dropped my hobbies, I dropped my friends and family, I held no focus for schoolwork-- everything was about this person's life and their relationships. I barely noticed or accepted this fact. Through high school, there were enough distractions, classes, and events I /had/ to attend that took my thoughts away from parties every weekend that ended in screaming battles because they seemed to start fights about nothing, and I could never seem to get through to them in these situations. Everything seemed to be my fault because I wasn't good enough, wasn't kind enough, couldn't be there or understand. She told me I had problems, and I needed help. I started crying often, hitting myself in the head, and having panic attacks. She would tell me to leave and then beg me to to stay, my thoughts twisted in every direction until I wanted (and tried) to pull my hair out. She rarely ever wanted closeness outside of sex, which was something I desired so badly. I tried to break up with her several times because I knew this wasn't healthy, but I would get told she didn't like words like "unhealthy" and that mature people see relationships through, and fighting is normal. The teenager who wanted so desperately to be loved and be an adult in me stayed every time. I thought I was a bad person.
Once high school was over, I basically lived at her house. Things got worse. We planned a two month Europe trip together. I knew it wasn't going to go well from the beginning, but held onto the idea that this could save our relationship and make us happy. Obviously we had fun moments- I mean, I was in love with her- but the trip was torturous. Everything was a struggle, even the best-planned parts of the trip caused fights. There was always something wrong that caused her to not want to do anything when I always wanted to make the best of being in places I may never see again, but she was insistent that we must always stick together, and I could never go out when she was sick in the hostel, etc. Shouting battles and crying fits continued throughout the continent! I broke up with her during the trip but we got back together within a week.
Once we got home, we lasted about a month, during which she became very controlling and irrational about me trying to make space to start seeing more of my friends and being independent, and finally I left her. During this time, I was very depressed, in a downward spiral, drinking and partying almost every day. I became very close with and started sleeping with a mutual friend of mine & my ex who was in a similar situation. This lasted about 3 months until I reached out to my ex in some kind of drunken reaction to a vulnerable situation, and we started having sex again and eventually got back together. I stopped talking to everyone I had been hanging out with during that 3 month period. This time around, we mostly sat in her bed, smoked pot, ate fast food, and watched Netflix. I thought she was just very depressed, and I thought I was too. We barely had sex, we barely talked, and when we did, it caused a fight.
Just under a year passed, during which she started taking antidepressants, which seemed to change her personality quite a bit, and she became interested in someone else. This tore both of us apart because at this point we were so companionate and embedded in each other's lives... .She asked for a 2 week break, and with that time to breathe (and sob and have panic attacks in basically every room of my house for hours at a time)I realized that I wasn't a bad person, that what I had been through was insanely complex and unhealthy, and that I needed to remove myself from it. What I also realized was that I had no idea who I was, that I had completely lost myself, and leaving this relationship would mean starting over completely, and that was terrifying. After less than a week, she called me sobbing and suicidal. By then, I was numb to the situation, but of course still loved her, so I supported her how I could and drew back to my own space. At the end of the two weeks, I finally left her.
Some events that happened that I can't exactly place chronologically in this story include me witnessing what I can only assume were episodes of intense psychosis from her at least once or twice, me being sexually taken advantage of by a "friend" of ours at a party and being called a cheater and having the instance referenced for years afterwards during fights (I just recently realized I was actually assaulted), being made to feel incredibly guilty for ever getting drunk at parties or doing almost anything without her, having to keep away from old and new friends & support systems because of her jealousy, me having to hide sharp objects, force them out of her hands, or hold down her hands to stop her from self-harming.
After we broke up, I stayed in touch. She was a huge part (to some extent the only part) of my life, and I wasn't ready to entirely let go. She said things that made me pity and feel bad for her. I told my friends that I wanted her to have friends, and that it was okay if they talked to her (even though she already had friends of her own), not yet realizing the abuse I had endured and was about to enter a journey of healing and understanding for. Toward the end of our relationship, my ex and I had hung around friends of mine together maybe a handful of times, but previous to that my friends did not like her at all, trash talked her, and didn't want to have her around. I had spoken briefly to them on different occasions in the past about things she had said to me, made me feel like, and they always said it was messed up and that I should leave the relationship. But for the most part I was entirely withdrawn from any other relationships, so there was a lot nobody knew.
Within a month of breaking up, she had convinced me that I should work towards friendship with her, but I was insistent to her and my friends that I could not and would not see her for now. Within two months of breaking up, she somehow became EXTREMELY close those friends, and slept with that same mutual friend who I had coincidentally just reconciled with after dropping our very close, complex & sexual relationship upon reuniting with my BPD ex a year prior. When my friends' annual Christmas party came around in the third month, my ex was invited without question, and without asking me. When I brought it up, I was told she had always been a friend, that my friends couldn't pick sides, that I shouldn't make such a big deal, that I should force myself to be round her to make everyone else happy. These events happening so close together DESTROYED ME. I went to the Christmas party and got drunk and talked to my ex in the bedroom where she gave me the saddest puppy-dog eyes. I walked away. I was so angry. I held a lot of anger for months. I blamed my friends for putting me in that situation. I told them I didn't want to see my ex, and they all but forced me to do so. My friends never asked how we broke up, or if I was okay. I felt deeply, incredibly hurt by all my friends, and by my ex (I still do to an extent). I started drinking a lot. I started dating someone (an incredible person and my current girlfriend) who stuck around and was a good listener and I stayed healthy and above water, for the most part. But I still cried at least once a week, and battled with feeling the need to keep these friends in my life because they were the only friends I had, even though they seemed to blame me for everything and think I was the crazy one for ever speaking up about my feelings, while also discovering day by day the heaviness for the abuse I had been through. I was also going through a lot of problems with my living situation and family. I felt like I was losing my mind! I spent a month in Ireland, and through that time, I realized I needed to hold space for myself to become, well, myself again and have a fresh start, so I removed all my unsupportive friends from my life, which was definitely the right decision (they are still best friends with my ex, and this is even hard seeing from a distance on social media). This was an awful time for me, but limiting myself few incredible friends, an amazing, supportive, healthy girlfriend, and starting to play music again pulled me through, and I started to feel really good about things and be generally happy.
My ex has reached out multiple times, messaging me on Facebook mostly (I've changed my phone number twice, partly coincidentally, and partly to exclude certain groups from my life), and every message has terrified me. Every word reads as entirely manipulative, and every message just seems to be baiting me for a reply, a reaction. I have tried my best not to respond, but have ended up in some conversations that have just dragged me through all the same emotions and found me repeating the same things and feeling like my mind is being played with. Last December, she accidentally mailed a package to my mom's address that I guess was still linked to her account from ordering mail there before... .but it was an expensive package (I think a cell phone), so I don't really understand how someone who is normally very careful and who I've watched triple-check shipping information in the past could make that mistake. She continued to message me and question if I would even give her the package at all and that if I was going to, I should meet with her in person today to exchange it, and gave me about 8 different ways we could make that happen. I had already planned to give the package to a mutual friend so I didn't have to see her, but she continued to insist until I told her I wasn't home and didn't have the package. This event left me very anxious and stressed out.
I saw my ex out at a queer function in town about 8 months ago (disadvantages to being queer... .). We didn't interact at all, but I had a complete mental breakdown and panic attack and had to stand in the alley crying from 15-20 minutes. Ever since, I'm terrified that I'll see her out anywhere I go.
Of course, having been in a relationship with someone with BPD so recently has tremendously affected my new relationship. It has been incredible to be with someone who actually responds to my affection, who listens to me, who encourages me to grow. But I can't help but feel like there was a part of me that thrived and was so attached to the dysfunctionality and deep emotional pain that lived in my relationship with my ex. I have no romantic longing for, nor do I miss my ex at all, and I love my current partner, but it feels like there is some kind of emotional block related to not having a "___ed up" dimension in our relationship that stops me from feeling a certain closeness with her. It's pretty shocking being in a healthy relationship when such an intense unhealthiness was all I knew before. Makes me want to ask "what's the catch?"
I also have anxiety related to fighting with my girlfriend. We don't even have big fights or anything, just small disagreements, but certain reactions she has or things she says can result in me shaking, sobbing, having a panic attack, curled into a ball. Particularly if she needs a few minutes to gather her thoughts, as my ex would often give me silent treatment for hours at a time-in public, in front of friends, and alone- and turn it around on me, saying things to make me feel like I was a bad person and deserved it.
I also have a lot of anxiety in general, and I'm assuming this is also related to my relationship with my ex, though it may not be. I find myself waking up a lot of mornings with terrible, sometime debilitating anxiety that sometimes causes me to throw up and/or be unable to get ready and go to work.
How can I explore this relationship now in a healthy way? I think there are a lot of specific events that occurred that I'm blocking out and can't remember. I'm also having a hard time discovering my own wrong actions in this relationship, because every situation I think of seems to be attributed to her irrational actions and my inability to understand being so young and not knowing anything about BPD.
If you read this far, THANK YOU. I know some parts are wordy, confusing, or have mistakes in them, but just writing this has been a huge roller coaster for me, and very important to get down somewhere. Any response would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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