To What Extent Would You Go To Protect Yourself...

[Herodias]

A friend of mine told me that she took NAMI classes after her divorce -for her children sake. Before she married her current husband, she had him tested for PD's... .I suppose we can look up criminal activity and divorce records. My exes criminal records seem to be expunged though... .It too bad domestic violence  offenders are not on a list like pedophiles... .maybe I am being paranoid-maybe not.

[AwakenedOne]

Are you asking how we can protect ourselves from meeting another pwBPD again?

Your friends husband must be a very submissive guy, that seems so abnormal. Just imagine him there saying to the Dr. "I'm here to get checked out to see if I'm crazy, my fiancé has sent me today to make sure I'm not crazy then I am to present your finding to her. Please print me out the test results on my state of mind so I can give the findings to her".

[Herodias]

Lol, I know- that's kind of weird/ all I can say is he must really love her!

[hurting300]

Ok if she had HIM tested something is wrong with her. I was tested and had depression and PTSD. I am a successful man and by the way, I have a minor criminal infraction from 11 years ago. Learned my lesson . I have a saying, if you wake up and all day long everyone is an A$$ hole, then more than you are the A$$ hole.

[hurting300]

A friend of mine told me that she took NAMI classes after her divorce -for her children sake. Before she married her current husband, she had him tested for PD's... .I suppose we can look up criminal activity and divorce records. My exes criminal records seem to be expunged though... .It too bad domestic violence  offenders are not on a list like pedophiles... .maybe I am being paranoid-maybe not.

The problem with domestic violence charges is 99% of the time it's BOTH of their faults. So I'm glad they aren't registered like that.

[C.Stein]

Blue,

I understand the desire to protect yourself from experiencing this kind of pain again.  I would rather die without ever experiencing love again in order to avoid it.  That said, I think you are going a little too far here with your fears.  You named divorce as one of those items you would check but you are divorced (or nearly so).   That doesn't mean you are not a worthwhile risk ... .does it?  If someone did that to me I would be seriously offended and probably walk away as it would tell me they have serious problems with trust.  

Perhaps some of your fears here are because you don't trust yourself to see the flags and more importantly, to act on them when you do?

I personally want to give people a chance to show me they can be more than the sum of their past mistakes and if I were to walk away from every potential relationship when a "flag" is flown I would never have been in nor will I ever be in a relationship again.  It really comes down to finding a way to trust our instincts again as these relationships severely compromise our trust in ourselves.

Perhaps teaching ourselves to recognize a reasonable set of flags is all we really need to do.  I see this as a multi-faceted approach, where there are red flags (immediate deal breakers) and yellow flags that could potentially turn into red flags and should be watched.   Many of the "red flags" reported on this board are ones that I would personally consider yellow flags.  When the yellow flag turns red then it is time to seriously assess the relationship AND have the strength to walk away if the relationship has crossed into unhealthy territory.   The latter is where most all of us failed ourselves and we have paid a dear price for it.

To that end, do you want to work on a list of reasonable red a yellow flags?

[Sunfl0wer]

It too bad domestic violence  offenders are not on a list like pedophiles

Most pedophiles are not on the list.  What do you do about that?

[once removed]

i would recognize that there are challenging and disordered personalities out there, and armed with what i know about them, id live my life according to my values and practice solid boundaries. id look at actions that demonstrate trustworthiness (which is slowly built over time) and while i will be more aware of actions that demonstrate untrustworthiness, and will respond accordingly, i wont be hyper vigilant watching for them.

this would not be my idea of solid boundaries, or trust. if it were requested of me, it would telegraph to me a person living in fear and distrusting of others, possible unresolved feelings, and therefore, ultimately, emotional unavailability.

thats now, of course. at the time, would i have been open to having my partner tested for a PD? maybe. when you come out of these relationships, there is intense pain, distrust of yourself and of others. youre more in tune with "red flags" and perspective tends to be off; you see them everywhere. as a response to trauma, i think thats understandable, and natural.

in essence, i think the way to protect yourself is to work at moving from victim, to survivor, to thriver, as one heals.

see victim to survivor to thriver chart here: www.havoca.org/survivors/

[hurting300]

i would recognize that there are challenging and disordered personalities out there, and armed with what i know about them, id live my life according to my values and practice solid boundaries. id look at actions that demonstrate trustworthiness (which is slowly built over time) and while i will be more aware of actions that demonstrate untrustworthiness, and will respond accordingly, i wont be hyper vigilant watching for them.

this would not be my idea of solid boundaries, or trust. if it were requested of me, it would telegraph to me a person living in fear and distrusting of others, possible unresolved feelings, and therefore, ultimately, emotional unavailability.

thats now, of course. at the time, would i have been open to having my partner tested for a PD? maybe. when you come out of these relationships, there is intense pain, distrust of yourself and of others. youre more in tune with "red flags" and perspective tends to be off; you see them everywhere. as a response to trauma, i think thats understandable, and natural.

in essence, i think the way to protect yourself is to work at moving from victim, to survivor, to thriver, as one heals.

see victim to survivor to thriver chart here: www.havoca.org/survivors/

thanks for the chart. Makes sense

[Invictus01]

How is somebody "tested" for a PD? From what I understand, it isn't a matter of filling out a multiple choice test. A psychologist needs to observe a patient for a while to diagnose him or her with a PD. Unless of course we are talking about a low functioning PD where the person is pretty much committed to a mental institution because it is pretty obvious something is off.

[once removed]

How is somebody "tested" for a PD? From what I understand, it isn't a matter of filling out a multiple choice test. A psychologist needs to observe a patient for a while to diagnose him or her with a PD. Unless of course we are talking about a low functioning PD where the person is pretty much committed to a mental institution because it is pretty obvious something is off.

im wading into an area i dont know much about here, but i think you are generally correct, yes. however there are (legitimate) personality inventories, not the variety you see on the internet, that can be administered by a professional, and certain measurements can be made.

[Herodias]

I believe there is actually a written test... .All in how you answer would determine how you think. The problem I see is that these people know how you want it answered in order to look "normal"... .I would rather watch behavior myself... .Just know when she did this I believe it was the 80's... .just when all this talk about personality disorders was really coming into the light.

[C.Stein]

How is somebody "tested" for a PD? From what I understand, it isn't a matter of filling out a multiple choice test. A psychologist needs to observe a patient for a while to diagnose him or her with a PD. Unless of course we are talking about a low functioning PD where the person is pretty much committed to a mental institution because it is pretty obvious something is off.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/tests-diagnosis/CON-20023204

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml#part_145390

I think online screening tests have limited usefulness.  If the questions are answered with honest objectivity it can give indication that further professional diagnosis is warranted. 

[Sunfl0wer]

I believe there is actually a written test... .All in how you answer would determine how you think. The problem I see is that these people know how you want it answered in order to look "normal"... .I would rather watch behavior myself... .Just know when she did this I believe it was the 80's... .just when all this talk about personality disorders was really coming into the light.

Ya know part of me says none of this even matters as I do believe we attract people of similar maturity to us, or only slightly above/below by not too much.

While I do not trust myself atm in choosing and being in a relationship... .

I have hope that when I do... . That I will, by my inner growth, simply not attract such people for any sustainable amount of time.

In a sense... .We are only as compatible with dysfunction... .

As we are, compatible with dysfunction.

If we are not compatible with dysfunction... .

Then there will not develop any lasting relationship.

Once again oh smart wizard, the answer lies within!

(I have this random sense, like from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that the answer is simply: 42!)

[Herodias]

"Ya know part of me says none of this even matters as I do believe we attract people of similar maturity to us, or only slightly above/below by not too much"

This is very true... .I think when I met mine I was not in a great place in my own head... .just getting out of a 8 year relationship with a drug addict who never acted like he was attracted to me, we rarely had sex and didn't share much fun together. The love-bombing my husband gave me was over the top and what I thought I needed at the time... .The only thing is that I had not taken the time to heal from that relationship when I jumped into this one. When I did finally mature, he missed the old me he would say... .now he is with someone at his maturity level... .he will even acknowledge this. I feel I am finally doing the work.