Fears about attending a group for survivors of domestic violence

[Lifewriter16]

I feel like a fraud. I've contacted an organisation that supports women who have been subjected to domestic violence and have a start date for joining a couple of groups, but I feel like a fraud. It seems to me that what I went through just wasn't severe enough to warrant this, even though it had a big impact on my anxiety levels and general happiness.

I keep thinking about how loving he was (when he was loving) and how rationally he spoke about dealing with our problems (usually the getting-back-together discussion before every recycle). He was never physically violent with me and I have no evidence that he would have been either except one time when he told me that he could see an image of me with "my head cut off and multiple stab wounds on my body." That freaked me out.

I'm feeling anxious about the whole process. He always seemed nicer when we were together than when we weren't in each other's company and I don't know how much of this is my own fear and paranoia rather than anything that really belongs to him. I'm having a lot of self doubts today. Is this a normal part of the process?

Love Lifewriter

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Lifewriter,

I was invited by my therapist to join such a group in my early 20's.  I would have never sought out such a thing myself, as I did not identify myself as "that type of person."  She reassured me that not only did she feel that I would do fine fitting into the dynamic of women currently involved, that she saw I could have stuff to offer these older women and also would pick up some insights.

I trusted her and attended.  Thankfully it was run by her as I would not feel worthy of being abused sufficiently to have joined on my own.

Yes, I was the youngest of this particular group, and also, I did not nearly suffer the complexities that these other women did.  They had kids being molested by dad, or being held hostage financially and such.  Their lives were more complicated than my own. 

However, she was absolutely correct, I gained so much from this experience.  These women embraced me, they told me, "that is exactly how it started out with us". They saw the younger version of themself in me and I could not deny this.  I felt compassion for them and finally believed that my situation WAS indeed on a spectrum and likely on its way to progress.  The parallels in things I could not deny or attribute elsewhere.  Seeing this on these womens faces and feeling it through them was way harder to deny than hearing my therapist tell me such and such is not ok.  I could not hold my denial and minimizing to the faces of these women who lived so much more than myself and carried so much pain of, "if only we knew this when we were your age."

Processing this was very powerful for me and also for them too!

Also I will never forget another lesson I learned from my therapist upon reflecting about the weeks group session.  She asked how I related to these women or didn't I. 

I responded: I feel embarrassed and so different because I can actually just up and leave my situation but often choose not too.  They actually are trapped while I am not at all.  I feel so guilty for my choices as I am not trapped at all, just really bonded by my love.  These women want to leave, are in terrible pain, but CANNOT!

Therapist calmly looked at me:  There is no difference.  They too can equally leave.

I was SHOCKED! I pondered this for weeks. 

My perception of "them vs me" was that they were actually victims and I was not.

It took me so long to digest that reality and that was HUGE and so worth a year of group sessions.

We were really all the same.  I had NO idea!

What kept us all "trapped" was our own sense of things in some way.

The reality is that while they attended group and professed desire of leaving but being "trapped" well, we are all capable of physically escaping actually.  (Unless in the middle of the physical violence). We really were all trapped by something in ourself more than anything.

Reminds me of the elephant who wears chain on his foot and is trapped to not leave, then a string is put on his foot, but he stays and doesn't try to break away from string.

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you Sunfl0wer. That is SO helpful. My head says abuse is a spectrum and that it is progressive. It also says that joining this group will help me to heal.

I think that the most challenging thing about joining the group is the vulnerability of being seen to be vulnerable. I've been in lots of groups, but I don't think I have ever truly allowed myself to be vulnerable. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

Lifewriter x

[Sunfl0wer]

That makes complete sense.

I was fortunate enough to feel very close with the leader, as she had been my therapist for years prior.  So that kind of eliminated my sense of vulnerability quite a bit.

You do not have to allow yourself to be vulnerable until you are ready.  Finding a way to ease into things may be a better idea maybe. 

What if you expressed concern about feeling too vulnerable and requested to be allowed to more or less sit in on a couple of sessions without much expectation of any participation?  Like ask if it is ok to observe?  Would something like this in between idea help you feel safer?  It seems like you said there are diff groups, maybe you would want to pick two to sit in on so you can get a sense if there is one that has a more fitting dynamic for you, or if one feels more comfy, idk, just thoughts.  Or even just express this to someone before attending, or even during first group, idk.

I think it is partly good to listen to ourself when we feel discomfort with being vulnerable, and partly getting a bit out of our comfort zone a little at a time is good. (Vs throwing ourself at something)  Finding that balance that is right for you may be tricky some. It is a balance of healthy trust in our self, healthy listening to ourself, and not holding back to be so safe that growth gets stunted.