Wanting to break NC after 2 1/2 years

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thinking of this more today and trying to stay safe while I'm away because got no one else to talk to and scared

Scared of what?

Of my life. That I'll not make it. My relationship. My health. The rejection. Left all alone.

Living your life in fear is not a good place to be.  We all fear the same things, it's how we manage our fears is what is important.  We can't allow our fears to control and direct our lives as it will result in your last fear being realized. 

What do you think you can do for yourself to help relieve and manage these fears?

I'm not sure, I'm so lost.I have to travel far later this year. I fear I'll die there and never be able to confess my guilt to my best friend.

Why do you feel guilty for removing yourself from an unhealthy situation?  Why do you feel responsible for your friends behavior?

Personally if my friend did the things yours did I would not be calling him a friend of any kind.  I don't need that toxicity in my life and neither do you.   Would you agree?

It's not the removing itself. It's the way it was done. By not giving him the full story and not responding with a long, honest explanation about my feelings. He was there for me for long years at my worst and I feel he deserved at least that much from me, no matter what happened between us all, but I was too cowardly too. And now I waited too long for any response for closure to be heard, this is how I feel.

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

[Hidden]

Thinking of this more today and trying to stay safe while I'm away because got no one else to talk to and scared

Scared of what?

Of my life. That I'll not make it. My relationship. My health. The rejection. Left all alone.

Living your life in fear is not a good place to be.  We all fear the same things, it's how we manage our fears is what is important.  We can't allow our fears to control and direct our lives as it will result in your last fear being realized. 

What do you think you can do for yourself to help relieve and manage these fears?

I'm not sure, I'm so lost.I have to travel far later this year. I fear I'll die there and never be able to confess my guilt to my best friend.

Why do you feel guilty for removing yourself from an unhealthy situation?  Why do you feel responsible for your friends behavior?

Personally if my friend did the things yours did I would not be calling him a friend of any kind.  I don't need that toxicity in my life and neither do you.   Would you agree?

It's not the removing itself. It's the way it was done. By not giving him the full story and not responding with a long, honest explanation about my feelings. He was there for me for long years at my worst and I feel he deserved at least that much from me, no matter what happened between us all, but I was too cowardly too. And now I waited too long for any response for closure to be heard, this is how I feel.

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

[C.Stein]

Thinking of this more today and trying to stay safe while I'm away because got no one else to talk to and scared

Scared of what?

Of my life. That I'll not make it. My relationship. My health. The rejection. Left all alone.

Living your life in fear is not a good place to be.  We all fear the same things, it's how we manage our fears is what is important.  We can't allow our fears to control and direct our lives as it will result in your last fear being realized.  

What do you think you can do for yourself to help relieve and manage these fears?

I'm not sure, I'm so lost.I have to travel far later this year. I fear I'll die there and never be able to confess my guilt to my best friend.

Why do you feel guilty for removing yourself from an unhealthy situation?  Why do you feel responsible for your friends behavior?

Personally if my friend did the things yours did I would not be calling him a friend of any kind.  I don't need that toxicity in my life and neither do you.   Would you agree?

It's not the removing itself. It's the way it was done. By not giving him the full story and not responding with a long, honest explanation about my feelings. He was there for me for long years at my worst and I feel he deserved at least that much from me, no matter what happened between us all, but I was too cowardly too. And now I waited too long for any response for closure to be heard, this is how I feel.

He is not your responsibility, his emotions are not your responsibility.   Write a heartfelt, honest and genuine email apologizing for what you feel you did wrong and only that.   You can't force him to hear, listen or respond to you but at least you will have cleared your conscious.  You don't really need a response and you shouldn't expect one.  You can post it here for feedback before/if you send it if you are comfortable doing that.  Sometimes just writing it out will give you the closure you need.  

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

Disrespect.  If there is no respect you have nothing.

[Hidden]

Hidden, i recommend reviewing this article i was reading the other day: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/conquer-fear-flying/201312/borderline-personality-disorder-and-anticipatory-anxiety

it may not apply to your situation exactly, but i think it very much describes the level of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that many of us feel with regard to the people with BPD in our lives. does any of it ring true for you?

A little, not too much since I wasn't ever told 'I'll die if you travel' or anything. Thank you for the link though, interesting read.

[Hidden]

He is not your responsibility, his emotions are not your responsibility.   Write a heartfelt, honest and genuine email apologizing for what you feel you did wrong and only that.   You can't force him to hear, listen or respond to you but at least you will have cleared your conscious.  You don't really need a response and you shouldn't expect one.  You can post it here for feedback before/if you send it if you are comfortable doing that.  Sometimes just writing it out will give you the closure you need.  

I know he is not, but I feel guilt because I didn't do what you described back when things were fresh and I was being begged to respond... .2 1/2 years after, who would wait that long... .? It's all my fault and it's destroying me.

But thank you. I'll try that ask as you all... .you are all so supportive when I can't function at all and want to stop existing

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

Disrespect.  If there is no respect you have nothing.

Thank you, may I ask what you found disrespectful most? Sorry for asking, really.

[C.Stein]

He is not your responsibility, his emotions are not your responsibility.   Write a heartfelt, honest and genuine email apologizing for what you feel you did wrong and only that.   You can't force him to hear, listen or respond to you but at least you will have cleared your conscious.  You don't really need a response and you shouldn't expect one.  You can post it here for feedback before/if you send it if you are comfortable doing that.  Sometimes just writing it out will give you the closure you need.  

I know he is not, but I feel guilt because I didn't do what you described back when things were fresh and I was being begged to respond... .2 1/2 years after, who would wait that long... .? It's all my fault and it's destroying me.

It doesn't matter how long it has been.  If my ex wrote me in 10 years with a heartfelt, sincere and genuine apology it would mean a lot to me.   That said, you aren't doing this for him, you are doing this for you ... .remember that when you write your letter.

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

Disrespect.  If there is no respect you have nothing.

Thank you, may I ask what you found disrespectful most? Sorry for asking, really.

Pretty much all the behavior you detailed in your first post Hidden.  He was disrespectful of both you and your BF/ his friend.  IMO he doesn't deserve an apology after the way he acted, but that is just me.

[Hidden]

He is not your responsibility, his emotions are not your responsibility.   Write a heartfelt, honest and genuine email apologizing for what you feel you did wrong and only that.   You can't force him to hear, listen or respond to you but at least you will have cleared your conscious.  You don't really need a response and you shouldn't expect one.  You can post it here for feedback before/if you send it if you are comfortable doing that.  Sometimes just writing it out will give you the closure you need.  

I know he is not, but I feel guilt because I didn't do what you described back when things were fresh and I was being begged to respond... .2 1/2 years after, who would wait that long... .? It's all my fault and it's destroying me.

It doesn't matter how long it has been.  If my ex wrote me in 10 years with a heartfelt, sincere and genuine apology it would mean a lot to me.   That said, you aren't doing this for him, you are doing this for you ... .remember that when you write your letter.

I'll do my best, thank you very much for helping me out... .I'm nervous about posting it in public but will see once I'm done.

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

Disrespect.  If there is no respect you have nothing.

Thank you, may I ask what you found disrespectful most? Sorry for asking, really.

Pretty much all the behavior you detailed in your first post Hidden.  He was disrespectful of both you and your BF/ his friend.  IMO he doesn't deserve an apology after the way he acted, but that is just me.

Thank you for your answer. So you don't think that he was simply expressing the natural emotion of jealousy and anger (as he claims) and I just overreacted for saying it was against boundaries... .?

[C.Stein]

I'll do my best, thank you very much for helping me out... .I'm nervous about posting it in public but will see once I'm done.

You are very welcome.  Only do what you are comfortable doing, no pressure.

Thank you for your answer. So you don't think that he was simply expressing the natural emotion of jealousy and anger (as he claims) and I just overreacted for saying it was against boundaries... .?

Surely we have all said things we regret when jealous or angry, but it will never be a justifiable reason to treat someone with disrespect.  Has he given you a sincere apology for his behavior?  

You were not overacting IMO.  The expectation to be treated with respect should be a primary boundary for everyone and should always be enforced.  If someone cannot honor that boundary and repeatedly violates it then I feel it is entirely reasonable to remove that person from your life.   

I'll add that if I unknowingly violate that boundary I fully expect to be called out on it, at which point I will offer a sincere apology and take measures to prevent violating that boundary in the future.

[Hidden]

You are very welcome.  Only do what you are comfortable doing, no pressure.

I might be scared that it will be seen if posted here, so might have to see what to do with it exactly and get feedback still... .

Surely we have all said things we regret when jealous or angry, but it will never be a justifiable reason to treat someone with disrespect.  Has he given you a sincere apology for his behavior?  

You were not overacting IMO.  The expectation to be treated with respect should be a primary boundary for everyone and should always be enforced.  If someone cannot honor that boundary and repeatedly violates it then I feel it is entirely reasonable to remove that person from your life.   

I'll add that if I unknowingly violate that boundary I fully expect to be called out on it, at which point I will offer a sincere apology and take measures to prevent violating that boundary in the future.

Yes he did make a lengthy apology, to which I never responded to, hence the source of my years long guilt.

[once removed]

Yes he did make a lengthy apology, to which I never responded to, hence the source of my years long guilt.

i can understand this. do you want him back in your life, or just to acknowledge his apology and make peace?

[Hidden]

Yes he did make a lengthy apology, to which I never responded to, hence the source of my years long guilt.

i can understand this. do you want him back in your life, or just to acknowledge his apology and make peace?

Both. Ideally I'd want us to be all to be friends again, but that's impossible since both uBPDfriend and bf hate each other now... .

[once removed]

Hidden,

we cant make any of these decisions for you, though we can help inform them, and help lead you to one.

the problem here is you will remain at a stalemate so long as you are ceding your will to either one of these gentlemen.

i know none of the options are especially good ones. which do you think presents the least bad consequences?

[Hidden]

Hidden,

we cant make any of these decisions for you, though we can help inform them, and help lead you to one.

the problem here is you will remain at a stalemate so long as you are ceding your will to either one of these gentlemen.

i know none of the options are especially good ones. which do you think presents the least bad consequences?

I apologize if it came across this way, I know it's not possible to make decisions for others.

Both seem to have equal bad consequences. 1. I never apologize/write letter = Guilt eats me up for even more years and finally kills me. 2. I wait more to attempt to = More time passes and he doesn't care about what I have to say and cuts me off = more guilt 3. I finally contact to apologize/explain and this leads to break up with the relationship I built with my boyfriend = boyfriend hurts self = heartbreak and no guarantee uBPDfriend will care about hearing me out after this long.

[heartandwhole]

Hi hidden,



This is such a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry you are feeling so wracked with guilt.   I can really understand your feeling reluctant/anxious about reaching out to your friend.  

You've been given great advice in this thread. I might suggest speaking with a therapist, too. Is it possible for you to see one near you or reach out to your former one, even if only for a phone session or local recommendation? At times like these, we really need an objective view and from someone who knows the whole story. I very much understand hesitating to put everything out on the forum--I felt that way too when I first arrived. Know that whatever you are comfortable sharing is safe with us, and the possibility of your friend somehow seeing it is extremely unlikely.

What do you think of writing out a really heartfelt letter, for your own peace of mind, letting all your feelings out on paper... .then putting it aside for a few days in order to feel what comes up for you. Allowing yourself a bit of time afterwards to process your feelings (bring them to us or your therapist) and only then deciding if you want to reach out?

As you and others have said, this is about forgiving yourself. If you choose to make amends for how the breakup went down, please do it with the aim of peace in your heart. Of course you hope that it would bring comfort to your friend as well, but you can't control that. If you write from your heart and focus exclusively on your part of the situation with gentleness and compassion toward yourself, you will be doing the work of forgiveness and letting go of these debilitating thoughts. Then, it's not as important if the letter or email is sent or not, or how your friend does or doesn't react.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Hidden]

Hi hidden,



This is such a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry you are feeling so wracked with guilt.   I can really understand your feeling reluctant/anxious about reaching out to your friend.  

You've been given great advice in this thread. I might suggest speaking with a therapist, too. Is it possible for you to see one near you or reach out to your former one, even if only for a phone session or local recommendation? At times like these, we really need an objective view and from someone who knows the whole story. I very much understand hesitating to put everything out on the forum--I felt that way too when I first arrived. Know that whatever you are comfortable sharing is safe with us, and the possibility of your friend somehow seeing it is extremely unlikely.

What do you think of writing out a really heartfelt letter, for your own peace of mind, letting all your feelings out on paper... .then putting it aside for a few days in order to feel what comes up for you. Allowing yourself a bit of time afterwards to process your feelings (bring them to us or your therapist) and only then deciding if you want to reach out?

As you and others have said, this is about forgiving yourself. If you choose to make amends for how the breakup went down, please do it with the aim of peace in your heart. Of course you hope that it would bring comfort to your friend as well, but you can't control that. If you write from your heart and focus exclusively on your part of the situation with gentleness and compassion toward yourself, you will be doing the work of forgiveness and letting go of these debilitating thoughts. Then, it's not as important if the letter or email is sent or not, or how your friend does or doesn't react.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

Your kind words mean a lot to me. I went to 3 therapists actually... .all were pretty cold. The last one told me to just stop thinking about it. Another one who told me to call when I want to ask something, I called and told him I'm at work and wanting to jump off the window and he said 'and what am I supposed to do from the phone'?

Another one today suggested to put me in a psych ward while I was having a massive guilt episode. I cannot afford to be locked away from my work and relationship. Even if I need it. I have no friends to vent to anymore and my partner knows nothing of my anguish.

I want to write the letter but I'm so scared to share it publicly. If either one of them sees it here it's over for me. If anyone interested in seeing it I'd be really grateful... .

[heartandwhole]

Your kind words mean a lot to me. I went to 3 therapists actually... .all were pretty cold. The last one told me to just stop thinking about it. Another one who told me to call when I want to ask something, I called and told him I'm at work and wanting to jump off the window and he said 'and what am I supposed to do from the phone'?

I'm sorry to hear this, Hidden. It's very upsetting to reach out for help and then experience such a lack of support.   If you are feeling really on edge, I heartily encourage you to keep reaching out anyway. There are hotlines in your area that you can call just to talk to someone. I know it must be hard to trust that you'll get someone understanding after what you've experienced, but there really are good listeners out there, I promise. Don't give up on yourself.

I want to write the letter but I'm so scared to share it publicly. If either one of them sees it here it's over for me. If anyone interested in seeing it I'd be really grateful... .

You don't have to share anything of what you've written publicly. Remember, this is about you, and your feelings about reaching out to your friend. In my view, what's important is that you see what you've written and then process the feelings that come up around that.

Try to be gentle with yourself. You did the best you could at the time. We all do. 

heartandwhole