What Did I Do?

[RiverAce]

Hiya -

I'm just... .confused... .not the first time and it will certainly not be the last.

My fiance is someone that I suspect has BPD. Now, I know to be careful with such designations, but my ex-wife is a pwBPD. The outward behaviors are slightly different, but there are some commonalities.

Today we had an awesome afternoon. Tonight was a completely different story. What triggered the argument was that she says "Twice, I told you that we should just go ahead and get married - we have July free. What I heard from you was silence." We've been together two years, engaged for one, and she wanted to wait until next year to get married due to her spousal support. That's over and now she wants to be married. Right away.

If I heard her, which I don't think she said any of this stuff, I would have talked it out and quite possibly set a plan in motion. Maybe there's a reason that I didn't. Instead of getting into a yelling match about it in front of her son, I suggested we go upstairs.

After we discussed it, and she wasn't happy with the discussion because she's a yeller and wanted to yell and scream about it and she "didn't get to", we went downstairs. I hugged her trying to show that everything will be okay. This is what she said:

"Wow... .you get to be the nice guy. That was pretty slick. You hugging me in front of my kid so that he looks at you as the nice guy and I get to be the monster... .again. Nice job."

Of course, that was not true. At. all. After saying so, "Well, I guess we're both upset then because I'm tired of waiting for a marriage that will never happen."

What did I do wrong? I'm tired of doing things wrong, or saying things wrong. I'm tired of walking around thinking I'm going to set off a mine.

I have a therapy appointment on Thursday that I thought of canceling. No way in Hell will I do that now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Determined1]

Hi RiverAce, welcome to the boards! Yes this can be a common occurrence that happens in the relationship. It is almost like "good cop/bad cop" because you both are on the same team but on opposite sides. I don't feel that you did anything wrong. She was upset because it looked like she was the bad person in front of her son and she needed to blame someone for that happening. That is where you come in. Projection and displacement are things that happen regularly for pwBPD. Best thing you can do is acknowledge her feelings and validate them.