Does it get better? I feel stuck

[somuch]

I know that pwBPD can get better but will it happen inside this marriage? Has anyone BTDT with their person getting better? Or is the only possibility for us to end it before he can get better, if he gets better at all? So many factors at play here but the bottom line I want to know is if someone has been all the way through this. I don't want to keep hearing awful things about my family, my friends, my children, etc. I know where that stuff comes from, I know why he does this. I also know that any of you would agree (and probably advise) that I don't need to listen to that crap anymore. Will he be able to figure out how to stem his anxiety so that we can socialize with other people or at least be okay with me socializing with others, including my family? Will he ever be able to stop punishing me for having him arrested when he completely lost it? Any experience you all have with success, I would love to hear.

[C.Stein]

Has he recognized on his own he needs help and is actually getting the help he needs? 

[somuch]

Has he recognized on his own he needs help and is actually getting the help he needs? 

Sometimes he does. The last time I had communication with him (almost 2 weeks ago) he offered to start working on distress tolerance with his therapist. I don't think he has. He does not agree that he has BPD. I told him that I didn't care what he called it, he needed to treat it. He will occasionally take responsibility for being abusive but it frequently looks like "I know I was abusive and I am sorry. But you didn't need to call the police/this is what you are doing wrong/this is what your kids do to me/this is what my job is like/etc."

He goes to therapy with me but he was so bad last time that the therapist asked him to leave if he didn't stop verbally/emotionally abusing me. He is required to go to Batterers Intervention Program. But those classes are very geared toward stopping the abuse and play into the narcissism of making sure they protect themselves so that they will stop being physically abusive, it doesn't get them to look at the nature of their behavior. He shows up to all of these things but he does not do any work on himself right now. He often says that he is just getting through his court obligations.

[C.Stein]

Nothing is likely to change until he accepts he needs help on his own and gets the appropriate help (DBT) to treat his BPD, assuming he is suffering from it.  This is something he needs to do under his own free will.  Being forced to do it or doing it for you or the relationship will almost certainly fail.

Do you see this happening in the future? 

What are you doing for yourself right now to help YOU?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey somuch, Waiting for a person w/BPD to get help can be a vigil unto death.  Instead, I suggest you focus on what is right for YOU.  As I'm sure you know, you can only change the things that are within your control (generally, yourself and your own actions).  What sort of changes could you make that would help you on your path?  It's up to you, I suggest.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm in line with the preceding advice.  Act as though your partner will never change, can never change, and you can't control it or cure it either.  Then, decide what you can and want to do with the situation.  Some decide there is more to gain, more good, or a devoted sense of love (even if it is one-way) and find tactics to cope and stay together.   Others decide that the cost is too high, life is too short, and the relationship with the partner only leads downward.  Those find an escape hatch and struggle to free themselves.

To make a decision on what someone else may do, at nearly impossible odds, in hopes that you might redeem some ray of hope, or quality life is to place your life in an unfounded fantasy, and will lead to unhappiness in all meanings of the word. 

Get busy living or get busy dying, as they say.  But you have to do it. 

[RR4U]

Wow this was my topic in counseling today. Being stuck! I fully understand what you are saying.  Mine story is very similar to yours.  I don't even know how to get out and wish I could find that escape hatch.  I know I need to leave but have no idea how to find it.  Def worry about you.  I find that helps too.   Keep strong!

[Ceruleanblue]

I love reading the posts on here of people married or involved with someone with a PD, and it actually getting better. That really gave me hope. I think some people can make even slight changes that can radically improve a relationship. I know I've made changes BPDh asked me to make, but I don't feel he's made any changes(in regards to the anger and abuse) that warrant staying in this marriage. It kills me to say that, because I still want the marriage to work, but I don't see how it can, long term.

I think you just have to trust your gut, and what your pwBPD is actually doing. BPDh's traits are so abusive, and negative, that I simply can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. If he could just tone down the angry abuse even slightly, but he won't even do that. In fact, he cycles, and we once had a four to five month period where he was slightly less angry, but he then went right back to being as bad or worse than ever. I've dealt with it better this time around, and stopped adding to it, but it's still not something I want for the rest of my life.

Actions are everything to me. He can say he wants to be better all he wants, but if his actions don't show effort, especially when I'm working so hard to not set him off, or to stop triggering him(all while working on my anxiety issue with my therapist), then what good is it? I think our actions should reflect our efforts to some small degree. Heck, I'd even settle for him just taking responsibility after a meltdown, but that's not something he's able to do either.

I'd say listen to your gut. My gut always told me that BPDh was low functioning BPD at home, and his chances of changing were slim. I drowned out that voice, and instead chose to think he could make slight changes. I was wrong. He could change, but he doesn't want to.

[Ceruleanblue]

Also wanted to add that my BPDh has been through anger management twice, once while with his ex, and once while with me. The one he attended while with me, he felt "better than the rest" because he wasn't court ordered. Well, he's lucky he wasn't court ordered, because I could have called the police on him, several times.

The anger management didn't help him at all. He still feels entitled to be abusive. He's also in DBT therapy, and it has not helped at all either. Our marriage therapist said there is no reason for us to come see her anymore, as he's unmotivated to make any changes.

I do love to read success stories on here, and sure wish I was one of them. I've done my best, and thought if I just modified, or adjusted ME, it would help me stay in it. It's almost like the more I walked away, or used the tools though, the worse he got. Sad, just sad.

[C.Stein]

he's unmotivated to make any changes.

Until this changes it is doubtful anything will get much better.  Would you agree based on what you have experienced thus far?