I need some advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My friend is part of 2 Meet Up groups. He's taken me as his guest several times to events. He wants me to join the groups as a member. However, my exBPDgf is also a member of both groups (I met her through him. He met her through MeetUp). I was discarded close to three months ago.

When she sees that he's going to anything that she responded to she withdraws her RSVP. I don't know why. I can only speculate that she doesn't want to see him because of his affiliation with me, and she's probably afraid that I'll be there. She made it quite clear that she doesn't want to see me. In fact, her final text to me was "do not contact me again." Again, I don't know why. I never get an explanation. I can only assume that she refuses to see me due to shame, irrational fear, etc.

I'd also like to add I don't know if she has a replacement or if she is using a smear/distortion campaign against me.

Here are my concerns:

1. I don't want to be accused of stalking her.

2. I want to meet new people. This would be a decent way to do so. Am I letting her control me if I don't join the groups?

3. There is a chance that I'll run into her if I join the groups. If she decides to change her mind about me, she'll know exactly where I'll be and when. I don't know how I will respond. Emotionally I miss her terribly. Intellectually I know the situation is toxic. In fact, I feel some anxiety when I go to these things now. There's always the possibility that she can RSVP at the last moment and I'm stuck.

[sweet tooth]

My friend is part of 2 Meet Up groups. He's taken me as his guest several times to events. He wants me to join the groups as a member. However, my exBPDgf is also a member of both groups (I met her through him. He met her through MeetUp). I was discarded close to three months ago.

When she sees that he's going to anything that she responded to she withdraws her RSVP. I don't know why. I can only speculate that she doesn't want to see him because of his affiliation with me, and she's probably afraid that I'll be there. She made it quite clear that she doesn't want to see me. In fact, her final text to me was "do not contact me again." Again, I don't know why. I never get an explanation. I can only assume that she refuses to see me due to shame, irrational fear, etc.

I'd also like to add I don't know if she has a replacement or if she is using a smear/distortion campaign against me.

Here are my concerns:

1. I don't want to be accused of stalking her.

2. I want to meet new people. This would be a decent way to do so. Am I letting her control me if I don't join the groups?

3. There is a chance that I'll run into her if I join the groups. If she decides to change her mind about me, she'll know exactly where I'll be and when. I don't know how I will respond. Emotionally I miss her terribly. Intellectually I know the situation is toxic. In fact, I feel some anxiety when I go to these things now. There's always the possibility that she can RSVP at the last moment and I'm stuck.

[Confused108]

Hello Toothy! Well here is the thing ... .In her sick mind she wants you gone. She had painted you black for whatever her reason is ... .And some don't even need a reason. You sneezed wrong that's it your gone. Do you really want a life like that? I did t know a thing about how sick my ex was until the very very end. When she was done with me. Now it's been months and my heart is far from being repaired.I still love her ... .But I k ow I can never be with her bc she is so sick mentally! If I were you I would stay far away from her as possible. I know it hurts and it does suck BIG TIME! But it will be the same song sang over agai. But this time it will be worse . There is a woman out there for you . A healthy one. Go find her.

[sweet tooth]

Hello Toothy! Well here is the thing ... .In her sick mind she wants you gone. She had painted you black for whatever her reason is ... .And some don't even need a reason. You sneezed wrong that's it your gone. Do you really want a life like that? I did t know a thing about how sick my ex was until the very very end. When she was done with me. Now it's been months and my heart is far from being repaired.I still love her ... .But I k ow I can never be with her bc she is so sick mentally! If I were you I would stay far away from her as possible. I know it hurts and it does suck BIG TIME! But it will be the same song sang over agai. But this time it will be worse . There is a woman out there for you . A healthy one. Go find her.

Soo... .you think I shouldn't join the clubs?

[Confused108]

No I would join groups that my ex was NOT a part of.

[HurtinNW]

I'd go with what you want and think you can handle in terms of running into her. You going to a public group is not the same as contacting her. You are free to attend any group you want. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She discarded you.

So go with your comfort. If seeing her will do more damage, then consider only joining groups you know she won't attend. If you think you can handle seeing her, attend whichever groups you want.

As you say, you still miss her terribly, and it sounds like you have some fears that she will reengage. In that case perhaps develop a game plan. You can attend groups she is not part of. Perhaps your friend can alert you if she appears. Then you can have an exit plan.

I have something similar right now with events that I am afraid my ex will attend. I am trying to avoid him, but if there is something I want to to do I am making a plan around any chance of his appearance. For me that involves going with a friend who will help me exit/not talk to him/support me if I feel upset.

[JerryRG]

I know this isn't the topic but while I was engaged to my exgf I tried to kiss her goodbye one morning... .she came unglued that I woke her up and yelled at me to NEVER kiss her that way again.

The bar moved up each day until I became the invisible man and slowly disintegrated into transparency.

Dying a little more each day until I decided it is better to live alone than live with someone who makes you feel alone

[sweet tooth]

I know this isn't the topic but while I was engaged to my exgf I tried to kiss her goodbye one morning... .she came unglued that I woke her up and yelled at me to NEVER kiss her that way again.

The bar moved up each day until I became the invisible man and slowly disintegrated into transparency.

Dying a little more each day until I decided it is better to live alone than live with someone who makes you feel alone

Those "always and never" statements. They're rarely true and change like the wind. This is why it's difficult for me to take "do not contact me again" seriously. Her attitudes, opinions, and feelings changed so frequently that even a finalized, clear demand seems ambiguous. You dig?