Question? Why does my exgf bring up her bf in every conversation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone

I text my ex this morning to set up a time to pick my son up. I was nice as always and she sent me a picture of my son with her bfs hat on and said how much he loves to wear it and dance.

Why does she do this and I'm sensitive and don't bring up my girl friends to her knowing it's not appropriate?

If she were truly happy would she need rub my nose in her happiness each and every time we communicate?

I do have a tiny bit of jealousy that we didn't get along but I just want her to be kind and respectful.

Today I took my son to eat, her bf works there and no I'm not being manipulative because it's my favorite place to eat.

She text and said don't trash her to her bf, I responded with, I don't lie to anyone so if he asks me something I won't deny him.

She's the liar not me

I also called the police to have them be there to drop my son off tonight so she can't pull the same thing she did last time. I have to work in the morning.

She's a nut, I guess this is her source of drama? Now that I'm out of her life she's still using me for her entertainment?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I text my ex this morning to set up a time to pick my son up. I was nice as always and she sent me a picture of my son with her bfs hat on and said how much he loves to wear it and dance.

Why does she do this and I'm sensitive and don't bring up my girl friends to her knowing it's not appropriate?

If she were truly happy would she need rub my nose in her happiness each and every time we communicate?

I do have a tiny bit of jealousy that we didn't get along but I just want her to be kind and respectful.

Today I took my son to eat, her bf works there and no I'm not being manipulative because it's my favorite place to eat.

She text and said don't trash her to her bf, I responded with, I don't lie to anyone so if he asks me something I won't deny him.

She's the liar not me

I also called the police to have them be there to drop my son off tonight so she can't pull the same thing she did last time. I have to work in the morning.

She's a nut, I guess this is her source of drama? Now that I'm out of her life she's still using me for her entertainment?

[once removed]

she brings him up because she lacks solid boundaries. its not necessarily intended to hurt you.

this co-parenting relationship is going to require solid boundaries on your part. where in this situation can you see a use for them?

[JerryRG]

She brings him up every time we talk? And this isn't deluverate?

[sweet tooth]

Don't feed the beast. My guess is that she wants you to be jealous. Why? Who knows. Is it  conscious effort? Again, who knows.

I know it's hard, but your best bet is probably to ignore it. Are you familiar of the practice of "extinction" in psychology? The basic concept is that you minimize or ignore negative behaviors until they go away. The person will increase the negative behaviors but will eventually reach a breaking point and give up. It's worth a shot.

[once removed]

sweet tooth gives good advice here. are you emotionally responding when she does this?

shes mentally ill jerry. the nature of that mental illness is not a deliberate intent to hurt others - its a mental illness based on insecurity, inability to regulate emotions, and impulsivity. it also includes a major lack of boundaries.

to reiterate: where in this situation can you see a use for firm boundaries?

[JerryRG]

Right now I'm deleting her text before reading them, she cannot hurt me unless I allow it. She is mentally ill and I hope she gets help. I just need to stay away until I'm stronger I think

[once removed]

what does stronger entail, in this situation?

[JerryRG]

I hope to be able to deal with her one day, I just am not there yet. I'm afraid of too many things right now, cancer, her lies, my son, my recovery.

[JerryRG]

When I'm dealing with her I get weaker, when I'm away I get stronger. I'm confused

[once removed]

it is confusing. emotional distance is clearly your friend, yet in sharing a child, some level of communication is required. there are ways (skills and tools) that can help navigate this tricky territory.

[JerryRG]

She's severely mentally ill and now has a willing partner to reinforce her belief she's ok? Does this story have a happy ending

My god I stepped in it good this time

Feels like I'm getting tugged in 14 different directions and my sponsor would say I'm inviting it.

Yes I need skills to communicate with my sons mother

[Icanteven]

she brings him up because she lacks solid boundaries. its not necessarily intended to hurt you.

I didn't realize this fell under the "lack of boundaries" umbrella, but it certainly explains a lot of my relationship with my wife.  Granted, we're married, and my wife has rarely missed a chance to tell me about the men who've hit on her or asked her for her number or propositioned her while out with her girlfriends. 

Yes, honey, you're a former model and still a 10/10 smokeshow; I am not surprised in the slightest that men hit on you.  Never understood what was in it for her.  Once Removed explains something I've wondered about for YEARS. 

[C.Stein]

she brings him up because she lacks solid boundaries. its not necessarily intended to hurt you.

I didn't realize this fell under the "lack of boundaries" umbrella, but it certainly explains a lot of my relationship with my wife.  Granted, we're married, and my wife has rarely missed a chance to tell me about the men who've hit on her or asked her for her number or propositioned her while out with her girlfriends. 

To me this screams control, and that is control through fear.  My ex did it to me as well, although not as often as yours apparently did. 

[once removed]

to clarify: people (of all stripes) will also say things, whether consciously or not (usually not) that invoke insecurity in their partner, out of insecurity within themselves. ive done it. im sure we all have. i was watching a pick up artist once teach his clients to, when introducing themselves to someone they have their eye on, to casually mention an ex. this can sometimes have that desired effect. please do not listen to the advice of pick up artists

this went two ways with my ex. at first shed bring up her ex (we both did this in the beginning). she told me about all the extravagant gifts hed given her, but shed feign putting those gifts down in the process. i told her i was totally uncomfortable and put off by that and it stopped.

she also had low self esteem and poor self image, and i tried to build confidence and encourage her to feel sexy. she mentioned once or twice being hit on, and i had no sense that she was trying to make me feel insecure, and i wasnt threatened by it, and i basically validated and congratulated her. theres a line in there somewhere. if my partner gets a little spring in their step from male attention, and brings that home, good for her, no threat to me.

in JerryRGs case, i dont think she was trying to make him insecure or hurt him. just no sense of whats appropriate, considered talking about this stuff to be normal.

[Rayban]

I too never thought of her constantly bringing other men as a lack of boundaries. It makes perfect sense. At the base, anything the BPD does is with her/him in mind. It's receiving male attention (major supply) and boasting about it. Not really caring or being able to care if it hurts the SO. It's also an opportunity for future triangulation.

The control optic is also interesting in terms of installing fear that they might be lost to someone else with so many other men being interested in them. Showing jealousy is also an excellent way for them to know that emotions are still there, and therefore they still have control.

In the devaluation stage, any sign of jealousy shown or demonstrated could be extremely dangerous. It could be used in a smear campaign to paint the NON as a crazy possessive ex. In fact in my situation she set up situations to purposefully make me jealous, trying to goad a reaction out of me with other people around.

[JerryRG]

My ex constantly brought up her ex husband and gave details that I found very offensive and distasteful and I allowed it and consciously avoided my past relationship details. I didn't want to control her and asking her to do anything she didn't want was considered control from me.

When we were not together for a few months and dating other people she had sex with a guy and he hurt her and she came whining to me even after I warned her he would and all he wanted was sex. I was with someone as well and when I told my ex about it she got extremely upset, asking to see my gf picture asking all kinds of questions and pouting I was unfair.

Double standard?

All about her as usual and no mutual respect.

Update on the exgf being assulted by her bf, found out today she was throwing a fit and screaming at her new bf and he tried to silence her and she called the police. She goes to the ER and he spent 48 hours in jail. They are back together and want to get married asap. Opps anyone see red flags?

Lol that poor guy is in for more hell then he's ready for

[C.Stein]

The control optic is also interesting in terms of installing fear that they might be lost to someone else with so many other men being interested in them.

This was the distinct impression I got from my ex with her numerous mentions of her FWB orbiters.  It was like a warning ... .if you don't meet my needs there are others that will.  It got the desired effect ... .and I worked extra hard to keep her attention/interest/satisfied, at least initially.  Eventually she stopped bringing them up but by that time I was already conditioned ... .damage was done.  Very manipulative to say the least.  She would occasionally mention guys who were ogling her but it never really bothered me, but I think she brought them up with the same intent in mind ... .to make sure I knew I could be easily replaced.

[JerryRG]

Exactly C. Stein

My exgf told me that once she was raped that set her up for future attact from guys who knew she'd been attacked before. Actually it is her behavoiurs that draw the negitive attention to herself in a twisted way to allow future attack.

She told me she had to sleep in a park while homeless and this stranger made her do things, I asked why she consented when she could have left and sought safety and she said it was inevitable as if beyond her control to just say no or walk away.

Did this really happen, I have no idea.

She deliberately puts herself in harms way to get hurt then receives the sympathy and attention.

[hergestridge]

When I'm dealing with her I get weaker, when I'm away I get stronger. I'm confused

I felt the same way when my relationship ended except for the "confused" part. To me it was obvious I grew stronger for every day I didn't meet her (just like you we had children, so I had to meet her twice a week).

I didn't care what she was up to or what happened in her life. Initially I felt bad about this. As if I was escaping or putting my head in the sand. Then it dawned upon that I chose myself who or what I let into my life and my head.  I didn't have to know. I thought that if I "looked away" the pain would be greater when I eventually got to know what she was up to (new relationship etc), but after some time - to my own surprise - I couldn't be bothered. I had got my own life back and and the method was NOT dealing with her.

I think she was confused because I exchanged like three words when leaving/picking up our daughter. I think she thought I still loved her or something, but I just limited by contact with her to a minimum. When I left her apartment I always felt like walking into freedom.