My role in the mess

[Depression = 72% of members]

I want to do something to help myself because the pain of that horrendous relationship is debilitating.

I read on another post that self-awareness is the catalyst for change. So I’m trying to figure out my role in the mess. What did I do or not do? Was there anything I could have done to stop the abuse, to stop it from destroying many parts of my life, some friendships, my career. I suppose I could have walked away, but I was hooked. I loved him very much. He seemed at first to be all I could ever wish for and I did not for see the subsequent rants/rages, devaluation and the worst of it, the push/pull.

I know the push/pull triggered deep pain within me and I believe this may be related to my father leaving when I was very young. I wonder if that’s what’s causing this to hurt so much, or part of it. Sometimes I would take him back in a second just to stop the emotional pain, but I’m too aware now, too terrified of further hurt, but I need to do something so I can start to learn to live again and rebuild.

Can anyone help me here. What did I do or not do that could have changed all of this?

[Larmoyant]

I want to do something to help myself because the pain of that horrendous relationship is debilitating.

I read on another post that self-awareness is the catalyst for change. So I’m trying to figure out my role in the mess. What did I do or not do? Was there anything I could have done to stop the abuse, to stop it from destroying many parts of my life, some friendships, my career. I suppose I could have walked away, but I was hooked. I loved him very much. He seemed at first to be all I could ever wish for and I did not for see the subsequent rants/rages, devaluation and the worst of it, the push/pull.

I know the push/pull triggered deep pain within me and I believe this may be related to my father leaving when I was very young. I wonder if that’s what’s causing this to hurt so much, or part of it. Sometimes I would take him back in a second just to stop the emotional pain, but I’m too aware now, too terrified of further hurt, but I need to do something so I can start to learn to live again and rebuild.

Can anyone help me here. What did I do or not do that could have changed all of this?

[steelwork]

Here are some ideas that might help you get started.

Rather than looking at it procedurally (you did x, which led to him doing y; you should have done z at this or that time), maybe you could think of your "role" as what history and personality traits you brought to the relationship. What precedents were there? What echos? What needs can you identify that he or the relationship in general filled?

This is the kind of thing that therapy can help with a lot. Do you have a therapist?

[steelwork]

I know the push/pull triggered deep pain within me and I believe this may be related to my father leaving when I was very young. I wonder if that’s what’s causing this to hurt so much, or part of it.

This seems like something to consider. I can't remember the technical name for it, but there's some term for the tendency to reenact conflicts from your childhood in the hopes of getting a better outcome--like, being attracted to unavailable people because one of your parents were emotionally or physically unavailable.

[Hadlee]

Firstly

I don't believe there is anything you could have done to change the outcome.  As we know, relationships with a borderline go one way... .downhill.  

In my situation, I believe I inadvertently sped up the devaluation stage as I triggered abandonment.  I made a lot of mistakes and, embarrassing to admit, I played games.  My own abandonment fears reared it's ugly head when my BPD all of a sudden was distant.  I was being tested by the BPD, but I also tested back.  It's easy to see where I went wrong now - at the time I had no clue.  Honestly, I became someone I no longer recognized; someone I no longer liked.

Like you, I also believe my father leaving when I was young came back to haunt me.  

The most important thing for me is that I have learnt some valuable lessons.  It was hard at first to really look at myself, warts and all.  I didn't like me towards the end of the relationship and after it was over.  But, I have been given a gift to become the best version of myself after seeing the absolute worst of myself.

I'm sorry you are hurting.  

[joeramabeme]

Larmoyant,

As others here have said, try not to carry a sense of guilt about what happened. Everyone makes mistakes in a r/s, we are all human.  For us Non's we can replay those mistakes into a sense of over-responsibility for the outcome when the truth is that pwBPD frequently are dysregulated in their feelings and no actions we can take will change that - even though we are frequently blamed for it.

After coming to BPD Family, I have come to the conclusion that my Mother was very likely a DSM certifiable BPD.  Looking back, I can see where growing up with those behaviors made me feel like I was "home" when I saw them in others.  Not because I was going out to find them, just that there was a sense of relation to certain behaviors that felt familiar and so comfortable.  Further, I had never really explored them too deeply and therefore did not understand their significance from an adult relationship perspective.

I am sure if you are in therapy and keep reading here you will find some reasons about why this r/s appealed to you.

Lastly, it is important to remember that pwBPD do not search us out, they act this way with everyone.  Rather, for certain reasons that we discover here - that behavior fit in with us.   That is the question, why were we attracted to that behavior when others almost certainly turned away from it.

Peace, JRB

[john83]

I want to do something to help myself because the pain of that horrendous relationship is debilitating.

I read on another post that self-awareness is the catalyst for change. So I’m trying to figure out my role in the mess. What did I do or not do? Was there anything I could have done to stop the abuse, to stop it from destroying many parts of my life, some friendships, my career. I suppose I could have walked away, but I was hooked. I loved him very much. He seemed at first to be all I could ever wish for and I did not for see the subsequent rants/rages, devaluation and the worst of it, the push/pull.

I know the push/pull triggered deep pain within me and I believe this may be related to my father leaving when I was very young. I wonder if that’s what’s causing this to hurt so much, or part of it. Sometimes I would take him back in a second just to stop the emotional pain, but I’m too aware now, too terrified of further hurt, but I need to do something so I can start to learn to live again and rebuild.

Can anyone help me here. What did I do or not do that could have changed all of this?

I've been NC with my ex for nearly two months now, and rarely does a day go by when I don't think of her, or something triggers a memory of something she said or did. As far as break-ups go, it has to be the most unusual and difficult from which to detach. I've been throuh the whole emotional gamut, from anger, bitterness and resentment to sympathy, love and remorse, plus everything in between. I came on here shortly after we split up (for the fourth or fifth time!) and found that sharing my experience was both helpful and cathartic. It gave me a better insight into BPD and confirmed many of my suspicions about her behaviour. All the replies I received were considered, insghtful and kind-hearted. Thanks to all who took the time to respond

Practically speaking, you could seek counselling to get a handle on why you stayed in an abusive relationship. Understand that you're not destroyed; your sense of self-worth has been systematically undermined and devalued by this person, despite whatever changes you have made, or things you've said and done in an attempt to make the relationship work. This creates a great deal of emotional upheaval and makes you question your reasoning, your rationale and your very nature... .in short, you've been made to feel like you can't do right, for doing wrong and you're the one to blame... .for everything! Don't believe it. You've had the strength to make a break from this abusive situation and this is the first positive step. If you're still in contact, break it off if at all possible. This is necessary; it provides respite from 'the Drama' and allows you some head space. Sure you'll feel lost, angry, alone, confused... .but these feelings will come to pass... .gradually... .day by day. I've now reached a stage where I don't try to analyse what I did or did not do to precipitate the tirades, moods and abuse... that's her s**t! I accept that by her reckoning I was (and never will be)  'good enough' for her... .her reckoning is skewed by her condition, so draw your own conclusions. Don't beat yourself up... .that was his job! You can't change him, and I very much doubt that you could have done anything, save the things you did, out of your love for him. By the sounds of it, his kind if love isn't love at all... .love is founded on respect and empathy, amongst other things, not emotional manipulation, abuse and intimidation.

Well done for getting out  Now, stop blaming yourself for his terrible behaviour

[Larmoyant]

This is just a very quick post because I am surrounded by boxes and mess trying to force myself to keep packing. Feeling shaky, unsure and hurting a lot, but I believe you’ve all just stopped me from going down the path of blaming myself for all the cruelty he ever inflicted on me. It’s one thing trying to look at my role and another blaming myself for his words and actions. In fact, I don’t think I’m ready to look at my role yet. It’s too early. I keep slipping into self-blame making myself feel worse, finishing what he started. But I have been giving a lot of thought to your responses and will write back later. Thank you so much.