How do we not JADE a value-placed boundary?

[Hebrews12]

Our first skype night with our uBPDd38 went as well as we could reasonably expect. I think communication actually happened. And that felt really good.

In response to our revelation that we are introverts and not comfortable in big crowds for long periods of time, my daughter made the statement that I can only paraphrase now: “It doesn't matter if you are introverts, because the big crowd of people that overwhelm you is your family.  So you are just gonna have to learn to deal with it." 

I know that my husband had a very strong negative reaction to that, as did I.  I feel like she said, "If the people who overwhelm you are family, then too bad."  In fact, I am sure she used the phrase "too bad" and that was what pissed me off.

My husband and I have been talking about what our life might look like with her out here.  We both agree that our "hosting" big family events are a no-win situation for everyone.  We are both adamant that feeling comfortable in our own home is a core value, and not just a limit.

It’s something we are not willing to negotiate or compromise on.    We don't want to feel trapped in our own home like we did when she and the 6 kids were just here for hell week.  So, big holidays or gatherings will need to take place somewhere other than our house, something we attend, rather than host.  That way when we have had our fill, we can go home.  We feel this is a reasonable accommodation. 

Are we wrong?  I do understand that this might hurt her feelings, but is it unreasonable?

Do we just say outright: We will not host family events (thanksgiving, xmas, easter), but we will attend them. 

And if she asks why or if she gets upset we say... .?... .

How do we not JADE a value-placed boundary? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

I think your request to not have gatherings at your house and not have her stay at your house is reasonable. As far as telling her not to adopt more kids... .that seems like a land mind unless she asks for your opinion. The beauty of limits is that you do not need to offer your opinion because then it won't affect you (in theory).

[lbjnltx]

Maybe something like... .

"Because large and extended gatherings are overwhelming to us we will no longer host them in our home.  We will be happy to contribute and go out of our way to attend them wherever else they may be."

[Brokenmother]

My husbands family always had family gatherings at a restraunt or in a room at the community center. Maybe this is some sort of compromise that could be reached? No one wants to clean their home all day and have to be cramped in their homes with too many people and excited children then clean it all up again when it's over.

[Hebrews12]

Thanks for the replies.  I needed a concrete example of how to say "No." to my uBPDd(38) that did not justify my "no", argue about it, defend it, or excuse it. 

It really isn't about not wanting to see the kids or grandkids, or cleaning up after them, it is about being trapped in my own home, not able to retire away from the hustle and bustle, ie: chaos, that comes with a large growing family.



My home is my sanctuary.  Plain and simple.  I should get to decide who comes into it without having to explain myself.  And it isn't just me, my husband feels the same way. 

It never seems to fail that every third time she comes here, an explosion occurs, and it is because she has stayed too long and just worn us all out.  Grandparents and kids.  I think it is a much better idea to join them somewhere else and then get to bow out and go home when we've had enough.

There is just no ground to retreat to when it is all happening under our own roof.  She likes to play the "financial hardship" card when she comes out.  She can't afford a hotel for a week or two or however long she's staying.  We certainly can't afford to pay for a hotel for her crew (they would need multiple rooms) so she ends up staying with us.  Frankly, the answer in those situations is if she can't afford the "vacation" then she probably needs to rethink the vacation plan.  But there has been no telling her that. 

Now that she is thinking she will move out here, something else has to be in place.  She is not going to stay with us while they look for a house or whatever bold scheme they have in their brains but are not communicating to us until the last minute.  Nor, will I endure holidays in silent misery because they just won't go home, even though the kids are worn out. 

It's all such a mess of poor communication.  Hopefully these skype nights will repair some of it and begin to lay a new foundation.  Crossing my fingers!

[thefixermom]

Maybe your daughter feels rejected.   I'm kind of the opposite of you when it comes to family.  I am shy and introverted by nature, too, but I love it when family comes under our roof and it's worth all the pre- and after- work and the discomfort anxiety just to see them and appreciate them and let them know I value them.  The terms you use... ."hell week" and "crew" to describe your daughter's family and visits denote a detachment that would make me sad and excluded as your daughter.  I imagine extended family senses your wall, too, and isn't all that comfortable coming over anyway.  So that being said, yes, you are absolutely right, it is your home and your personal sanctuary to keep others out.  I think your daughter's statement of "too bad, it's family," tells me she values family togetherness very highly and considers it worth the trouble, expense and hassle of everyone being together. Perhaps that's why she has a "crew" around her.  I also understand that your daughter has flaws about communication, time awareness and financial responsibility.  These all come into play. I was just responding to the sense I felt reading how you described your relationship with family.  I hope it all works out and that you get to keep your sanctuary just for you and your husband at all times and the rest of the family can find a place to be hosted in a location where everyone is comfortable and at ease.

[Rockieplace]

I am totally with you on this one Hebrews12. That sort of chaos around me in my home would send me absolutely nuts. So, for the sake of your own mental health I believe you are doing the right thing. It is not as if you are ruling out helping in other ways.

Babysitting the grandkids and maybe other stuff could be offered than didn't involve a mass invasion of your home.