Ex is making suicide references

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all

So a mutual friend just contacted me to express concern over my ex. Apparently the last few days he's been posting suicidal references on Facebook, along with changing his profile pictures to images of people preparing to kill themselves.

I am in a huge mix of emotions here. Every time he rages and breaks up with me, ex plays the tragic victim. He gives me the shunning silent treatment while working overtime on social media to get attention. He posts sad songs, mopes in public, and engages in a ton of triangulation by proxy by enlisting friends to support him as the victim of me. Frankly it feels manipulative, because I've seen him switch out of it on a dime. But usually he posts self-pitying, angry stuff, such as lyrics about women hurting men. Posting suicidal references is new.

We've been broken up for almost three months now and it feels like this is one of his ways of trying to engage me while also blaming me. Is it a real threat? I have no idea. Maybe he is waking up to the fact it was the final discard on his part and there is no fixing it. He's unemployed, losing his home, and lost his relationship, all because of his own actions. On the other hand, his entire act feels insincere and inauthentic. It's like he is trying to get pity and attention.

I come from a family of suicides. I know what it is like to lose someone this way, and to feel responsible. It feels hurtful too because ex knows this. How can he hold the specter of killing himself over my head, knowing I lost both my mother and brother to suicide? Is he being real?

I don't know what to do. Part of feels I should reach out but I also know that would be really unhealthy and hurtful for me (he will just continue to blame me and make himself the victim). There is no way it will end well. I feel manipulated, worried, scared, guilty, sick at heart. My co-dependency is working overtime here, feeling guilty and wanting to rescue.

I've been no contact and had unfriended him on Facebook and was avoiding other contact, so I didn't know this was happening. I recently unfollowed mutual friends to avoid seeing his name come up at all.

Thoughts, support, a good talking to? I know I am triggered here because of my family history.

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

So a mutual friend just contacted me to express concern over my ex. Apparently the last few days he's been posting suicidal references on Facebook, along with changing his profile pictures to images of people preparing to kill themselves.

I am in a huge mix of emotions here. Every time he rages and breaks up with me, ex plays the tragic victim. He gives me the shunning silent treatment while working overtime on social media to get attention. He posts sad songs, mopes in public, and engages in a ton of triangulation by proxy by enlisting friends to support him as the victim of me. Frankly it feels manipulative, because I've seen him switch out of it on a dime. But usually he posts self-pitying, angry stuff, such as lyrics about women hurting men. Posting suicidal references is new.

We've been broken up for almost three months now and it feels like this is one of his ways of trying to engage me while also blaming me. Is it a real threat? I have no idea. Maybe he is waking up to the fact it was the final discard on his part and there is no fixing it. He's unemployed, losing his home, and lost his relationship, all because of his own actions. On the other hand, his entire act feels insincere and inauthentic. It's like he is trying to get pity and attention.

I come from a family of suicides. I know what it is like to lose someone this way, and to feel responsible. It feels hurtful too because ex knows this. How can he hold the specter of killing himself over my head, knowing I lost both my mother and brother to suicide? Is he being real?

I don't know what to do. Part of feels I should reach out but I also know that would be really unhealthy and hurtful for me (he will just continue to blame me and make himself the victim). There is no way it will end well. I feel manipulated, worried, scared, guilty, sick at heart. My co-dependency is working overtime here, feeling guilty and wanting to rescue.

I've been no contact and had unfriended him on Facebook and was avoiding other contact, so I didn't know this was happening. I recently unfollowed mutual friends to avoid seeing his name come up at all.

Thoughts, support, a good talking to? I know I am triggered here because of my family history.

[C.Stein]

I see two possibilities here HNW.  

One he is serious and if this is real then you should contact someone who is trained in dealing with it.  Not you, you are not the right person to do this.

The other is he is desperately seeking attention and this is the only way he knows how.  This probably has nothing to do with you directly.

Which do you think is the most likely scenario?  What do you see wrong in leaving your head buried in the sand with regard to him and what he is doing?  I know you care for him but he is not your responsibility.  He can only manipulate you if you let him.

[HurtinNW]

I see two possibilities here HNW.  

One he is serious and if this is real then you should contact someone who is trained in dealing with it.  Not you, you are not the right person to do this.

The other is he is desperately seeking attention and this is the only way he knows how.  This probably has nothing to do with you directly.

Which do you think is the most likely scenario?  What do you see wrong in leaving your head buried in the sand with regard to him and what he is doing?  I know you care for him but he is not your responsibility.  He can only manipulate you if you let him.

Thank you. I'm not sure which one it is. I suspect a mixture of the two.

One way we bonded is we both lost family members to suicide: both of us lost our big brothers to suicide. He often said he would never kill himself, knowing what it does to those who are left behind. My therapist also feels it is highly unlikely, because she thinks he is NPD and is more into getting attention than being sincere about such things.

My intuition is he is desperately seeking attention for very real reasons. Underneath it all he is probably in a great deal of pain that he cannot recognize besides to blame and feel self-pity. So in a sense it is coming from a genuine place, but overlaid with his dysfunctional ways of acting. He is probably upping the ante to get attention and sympathy from people. My experience is he does these things to get people meeting with him, talking to him, giving sympathy, and then he shoots down any meaningful advice on how to change. I know, I've been there. I've been the person trying to help, only to find any advice I give is rejected. Or fodder for more anger.

I do think there is part of this where he is thinking, "It will get back to her and she will feel terrible for treating me so badly." There is a punishing aspect to this. It's very childlike and hurtful, to posture that you will kill yourself.

But I would hate to be wrong. If he does commit suicide... .I can't imagine how I will survive that.

[C.Stein]

I do think there is part of this where he is thinking, "It will get back to her and she will feel terrible for treating me so badly." There is a punishing aspect to this. It's very childlike and hurtful, to posture that you will kill yourself.

But I would hate to be wrong. If he does commit suicide... .I can't imagine how I will survive that.

Read the above like I wrote it and tell me what you see.

[HurtinNW]

I do think there is part of this where he is thinking, "It will get back to her and she will feel terrible for treating me so badly." There is a punishing aspect to this. It's very childlike and hurtful, to posture that you will kill yourself.

But I would hate to be wrong. If he does commit suicide... .I can't imagine how I will survive that.

Read the above like I wrote it and tell me what you see.

I'm sorry, I'm missing it... .

[freemanstrut]

I think what Stein is saying is - if someone else had written what you did on this board, what advice would you give?  How does it differ from what you feel and have written here?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin.

It seems that you are saying that it is the triggering of old pain which is most at issue here. What happened with your brother? How did it come about? How do/did you feel about it? In what way do/did you feel responsible?

Re your BPDx and his suicidal posts. In the UK, the Samaritans (a telephone helpline for people who are feeling suicidal) say that people who are truly suicidal just go out and do it, they don't announce it to the world. I think this is a game. Remember that there are other people who have read his facebook posts (including the mutual friend who contacted you) who could take responsibility for dealing with him if he is truly suicidal and they are not likely to be significantly damaged in the process. It's not like you are the only one who knows. I would suggest that your mutual friend is being triangulated into trying to get you to reconnect. Is it usually the pattern that you contact your BPDx after a breakup rather than him? Is his noticing the change in your behaviour perhaps and upping the ante to try and get you to fall back into your old patterns so he doesn't have to contact you? My BPDxbf let slip that at one point during a breakup he had started to worry that I wasn't going to contact him as usual. That reeks of game playing. Why didn't he contact me? Because it's all a power play and the purpose is to bring us into line.

Be strong Hurtin. I know it hurts but he's 'playing you like a fiddle' (a delightful term coined by my BPDxbf, rather indicative of how he approaches life if you ask me).


Love Lifewriter

    

[Herodias]

I am sorry you went through this in your past... .is your ex doing this to trigger you? Possibly- if he knows this about you. The person that contacted you concerned would be a "flying monkey"... .correct? He has not contacted you... .I was told by a therapist to tell the suicidal person that you are not able to help them since you are not a psychologist and if they want, you will call someone who can help them (911)... .This way, it takes you out of the equation. It will stop them from doing this to you in the future, but if they are serious, you can call 911 to get them help. I would suggest this to your friend to do with him if they are really concerned. It could be a cry for help or it could be attention and his way of dealing with pain. You don't know. My ex would try to get me to figure it out until he would actually say yes, he needs to go to the hospital or no, he would be ok... .I hope this helps. Put it back in that friends lap to do something. It is an awful feeling to think you should do something, when really you know, it is not for you to fix and you cannot fix it. Only he can.  Sorry. 

[HurtinNW]

^Thank you all.

Lifewriter, my brother and I were horribly abused as kids, as you know. Both of us were molested by my mother's pedophile boyfriends. My brother committed suicide after battling depression and trauma his entire life. That was in 2005. My mentally ill mom blamed me. She wrote me letters saying it was all my fault. Then my mother committed suicide in 2012. My family is so crazy that I have surviving siblings that have inherited the dysfunction and they blame me for her suicide as well. Most of this boils down to the fact I was the one who told the truth about the abuse. I am the family scapegoat for reporting the sexual abuse. I don't have any contact with my family, they are very unhealthy, and mostly non-functioning, including homeless and mentally ill themselves. I am the survivor/thriver out of all this incredible dysfunction.

So yes, this is a huge trigger for me. My big brother and I were close. I loved him so much. He didn't tell anyone his plans to kill himself. I knew he was in terrible pain his entire life, and I felt deep loss. I wish I could have saved him. I've worked hard in therapy about it. But I carry sadness and feelings of guilt. That my mother openly blamed me and then killed herself as well has made that struggle harder.

My ex knows all this. He knows my mother blamed me for my brother's suicide, and he used that during rages, saying "Your mother was right." He knows I carry guilt and sadness and terrible loss around suicide. So this is a double whammy. It is triggering because of my own history involving family suicides, and it is triggering because it brings back how my ex used that to dismantle me and gas light me and abuse me. It's also triggering because he knows how much it would devastate me to lose yet another loved one to suicide.

My usual pattern has been the one to reengage. I think you may be right, he is upping the ante. But if that is what it is, what an unspeakably cruel way to do that!

Herodias, yes, she is one of his flying monkeys. My ex loves to triangulate others, and always puts himself in the victim part of the triangle, even when he is the persecutor. It's all so crazy making. I mean, she was the one who broke up with me... .But it feels like this is a way to make me the bad guy even more, the one who is "making" him suicidal.

Maybe I should tell the friend that if they are concerned they should call 911 or encourage him to check himself into a hospital?

[Herodias]

"Maybe I should tell the friend that if they are concerned they should call 911 or encourage him to check himself into a hospital?"

Exactly... .Put it back on them.

[HurtinNW]

I decided not to call his flying monkey, but called his sister in law, whom I trust and know. I related what I knew, and suggested that if they think he is in danger, to refer him to a hospital. She said she was aware of it. She was VERY kind and receptive, and told me she think it is all attention-getting.

Tonight I checked my Facebook and it was as if nothing had ever happened. Flying monkey friend was commenting on other mutual friends, all very trivial and unrelated. I unfollowed her and went through and unfollowed any other potential flying monkeys. I mean, this is all just unbelievable.

I was walking out of a store today and thought: Why would you want to be with someone who does that?

Answer: I don't.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin.

Good for you.

Has this left you with FOO emotions washing around the system? How are you feeling now?

With regard to the kind of situation you are describing, I once told my deepest fear to my BPDxbf (I made it clear it was my deepest fear too). I said that I was frightened that I would die alone. One time, during an argument he said to me: 'You are right, you will die alone'. What a mean, nasty, low life thing to say. It shows me how he is... .

Sending you some hugs. Take extra good care of yourself in the next few days.

Love Lifewriter

[HurtinNW]

Hi Hurtin.

Good for you.

Has this left you with FOO emotions washing around the system? How are you feeling now?

With regard to the kind of situation you are describing, I once told my deepest fear to my BPDxbf (I made it clear it was my deepest fear too). I said that I was frightened that I would die alone. One time, during an argument he said to me: 'You are right, you will die alone'. What a mean, nasty, low life thing to say. It shows me how he is... .

Sending you some hugs. Take extra good care of yourself in the next few days.

Love Lifewriter

How kind! Yes, I shared with my deepest fears, and made them clear as my deepest fears, and he used them against me. And still is. What a ****

Yes, FOO feelings like being in a clothes washer. My ex has spun me around my past like no one else. Decades have gone by but who would know? It is all like yesterday. I am awash in the same pain.

And he's probably feeling sorry for himself. Right now I am angry with him, which I know my therapist would want to hear. I see her tomorrow.

[Lifewriter16]

       


I know it's hard, I know it's painful, but what an opportunity for healing this is. When I get angry with my BPDxbf, I like to put on some music and literally dance my anger out. Do you have methods for expressing your anger physically? I find it helps me.

I'm with you in spirit... .

Love Lifewriter