After the Storm - Break up with ndBPD ex

[Lil Travis]

I'm new here and very fresh from coming out of the FOG.  I started dating my intern and it was magical in the beginning all the warning signs were there, but I didn't see them. I fell head over heels for this "girl." I will not bore you with the details, in that is typical idealize, devalue and discard.

The discard phase lasted probably 9 months, whereas I just didn't know what was happening. Turns out it got really bad, like unbelievable bad.  I realize after finally going NC, which she initiated that I was a mess. I have never felt so bad in my life after a break up. I knew something wasn't normal.

At any rate, she's super intelligent and we would discuss our primary caregiver abuse.  Turns out all roads lead back to my Grandmother who essentially raised me and bullied my mother.  I'm writing this post because my ex triggered all these things that I had issues with in childhood. 

I was a child and always wanted to please my grandmother because she was an emotional terrorist behind closed doors. But to the rest of the world she was just a "passionate christian lady." So, I'm dealing with the drama of my childhood now finally at 46 years old. 

So, looking back at my relationships and dating history I realize that most of the women I dated where in fact NPD, Histronics and/or BPD. I will assume that because I was raised by such a woman from 0 - 19, was I primed and prepped to attract said personality disordered girls and women.

What does one do now? I'm horrified about dating and can't trust my picker anymore.  In fact, most of the women in my life with personality disorders picked me.  It was not me chasing or courting them. I look back and thought it was great. Now looking back not so much.

I have a therapy session coming up this Thursday and was diagnosis-ed with Grief, Abandonment Issues and CPTSD. My question is this has been in front of my face the entire time and I didn't see it.  I guess its a thing.

In that, I hated when my friends would always tell me you like "crazy girls," I never saw them as crazy and it hurt me always to hear folks call women crazy.  I guess once again it leads back to my love for my abusive Grandmother. 


Any pointers on how to get over and heal these issues would be really helpful. I still think of the ndBPD ex frequently/daily in fact.

[JerryRG]

Welcome to hope, Lil Travis

You are where we were and you will find answers here, I'm new too and ask more questions than give advice.

You will be ok, it takes time and work.

I'm very glad you found bpdfamily. Without this wonderful site and all the wonderful people here I would still be lost.

[Lil Travis]

Thanks JerryRG!

I have been putting in the work and healing. Thanks for the works of encouragement. 

[Conundrum]

Hi Travis. We cling to what we crave, and it sounds as if you crave how a specific subset of women make you feel.

Those patterns which you are ascribing to yourself--usually involve abandoning emotional equilibrium in exchange for particularized (often euphoric) feelings. When the object of our desire is perceived as the sole author of said hyper-elevated feelings--then all power is acceded in exchange for what we crave. Power when placed into the wrong hands may easily be abused--thereby cycles repeat in perpetuity.

Consequently, I'd venture that your inquiry will produce greater dividends when less concerned about the type of women that you wind up with--for they are simply a conduit providing what is craved.

There is no shame in desiring a relationship with a high conflict person. They're just as lovable as anyone else. Though it is wise to be more circumspect while in a relationship with them--as opposed to throwing caution to the wind and being burned by their all consuming fire.

Dante Alighieri wrote:

In that book which is

My memory . . .

On the first page

That is the chapter when

I first met you

Appear the words . . .

Here begins a new life

Yet also wrote:

Through me you pass into the city of woe: 

Through me you pass into eternal pain: 

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here

You may never come to fully understand why you crave that particular subset of women, nor eliminate the desire for them. However, we possess the free will to balance our psyches in any given relationship. I wish you well.