I left my abusive wife, still having a lot of fears

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Six days ago today I moved out of the apartment I shared with my undiagnosed BP wife. Right now I'm staying temporarily with my parents while I figure out what's next. The last six days have been a roller coaster, especially because my therapist is on vacation this week, so I haven't been to therapy since the day after I moved. So I guess I'm writing this partly to vent and partly because I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is normal.

I've been trying to spend as much time as possible around as many of my friends as possible, and have even spent time with a few friends I had almost completely lost touch with. But I still find myself waking up every morning feeling sick to my stomach, crying at seemingly nothing a few times a day, and doubting myself-- that's the worst part. I'm now finding myself doubting that she was even abusive, finding myself thinking that maybe there's just been something wrong with me the whole time. I think this feeling is coming from not being able to exactly put my finger on the sources of some of the feelings I had during the relationship that I'm no longer experiencing now that I'm out of it. For example, throughout our relationship, I felt increasingly isolated from loved ones outside the marriage, including family and close friends. I felt I couldn't tell them what was going on in the marriage without betraying my wife's trust with people she also knew. But even though I consistently felt that isolation, I can't exactly point to anything she did to deliberately isolate me, aside from a handful of times she became upset if I made plans with friends without asking her first. And now that I'm not feeling isolated anymore, and making a strong effort to spend time with loved ones, it's hard to even remember that feeling of isolation all that clearly-- and that scares me a little. It makes me feel like I've been making things up without meaning to or something, like I'm not being fair or that things were really my fault all along.

I guess I should make this clear-- I have no intention whatsoever of going back to her. So far, she hasn't tried to reel me back in, in fact I haven't heard from her at all since the day I moved out (this is its own issue, actually-- all of our property and shared money is already divided up and we have no kids, so there's no logical reason why we can't get a dissolution instead of going through a lengthy and costly divorce, but she hasn't responded to me when I've told her I've prepared the necessary paperwork and it's ready for her signature-- I'm afraid she intends to drag things out for no good reason).

I realize, of course, that I'm still very close to this situation-- I've been out for less than a week. But it worries me that I'm still waking up in the morning feeling so bad, and that it takes me most of every day to pull myself out of feeling that way.

Something else that's been worrying me is that, even though it's been less than a week since I actually left, I've been emotionally detached from her for such a long time now that I'm already feeling a strong urge to form emotional attachments to other people. I know very well that it will probably be a long time before I'm even close to being ready to involve myself with someone else, so I'm really trying to channel that need for connection into my friendships, which is working for the most part so far. But sometimes I feel, in spite of myself, like I want a deeper connection with someone, and I'm very very afraid of making the same mistake again, of getting attached to someone who will hurt me. And I'm afraid that that fear will stay with me for a long, long time and it will be very hard for me to trust someone again when I finally am ready.

[Sotapanna]

Six days ago today I moved out of the apartment I shared with my undiagnosed BP wife. Right now I'm staying temporarily with my parents while I figure out what's next. The last six days have been a roller coaster, especially because my therapist is on vacation this week, so I haven't been to therapy since the day after I moved. So I guess I'm writing this partly to vent and partly because I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is normal.

I've been trying to spend as much time as possible around as many of my friends as possible, and have even spent time with a few friends I had almost completely lost touch with. But I still find myself waking up every morning feeling sick to my stomach, crying at seemingly nothing a few times a day, and doubting myself-- that's the worst part. I'm now finding myself doubting that she was even abusive, finding myself thinking that maybe there's just been something wrong with me the whole time. I think this feeling is coming from not being able to exactly put my finger on the sources of some of the feelings I had during the relationship that I'm no longer experiencing now that I'm out of it. For example, throughout our relationship, I felt increasingly isolated from loved ones outside the marriage, including family and close friends. I felt I couldn't tell them what was going on in the marriage without betraying my wife's trust with people she also knew. But even though I consistently felt that isolation, I can't exactly point to anything she did to deliberately isolate me, aside from a handful of times she became upset if I made plans with friends without asking her first. And now that I'm not feeling isolated anymore, and making a strong effort to spend time with loved ones, it's hard to even remember that feeling of isolation all that clearly-- and that scares me a little. It makes me feel like I've been making things up without meaning to or something, like I'm not being fair or that things were really my fault all along.

I guess I should make this clear-- I have no intention whatsoever of going back to her. So far, she hasn't tried to reel me back in, in fact I haven't heard from her at all since the day I moved out (this is its own issue, actually-- all of our property and shared money is already divided up and we have no kids, so there's no logical reason why we can't get a dissolution instead of going through a lengthy and costly divorce, but she hasn't responded to me when I've told her I've prepared the necessary paperwork and it's ready for her signature-- I'm afraid she intends to drag things out for no good reason).

I realize, of course, that I'm still very close to this situation-- I've been out for less than a week. But it worries me that I'm still waking up in the morning feeling so bad, and that it takes me most of every day to pull myself out of feeling that way.

Something else that's been worrying me is that, even though it's been less than a week since I actually left, I've been emotionally detached from her for such a long time now that I'm already feeling a strong urge to form emotional attachments to other people. I know very well that it will probably be a long time before I'm even close to being ready to involve myself with someone else, so I'm really trying to channel that need for connection into my friendships, which is working for the most part so far. But sometimes I feel, in spite of myself, like I want a deeper connection with someone, and I'm very very afraid of making the same mistake again, of getting attached to someone who will hurt me. And I'm afraid that that fear will stay with me for a long, long time and it will be very hard for me to trust someone again when I finally am ready.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Sotapanna

Sounds like you have an awful lot going on at the moment.  Glad you are sharing your story here.  I know this site has been a tremendous help for me. 

I really identify to your feelings of being sick and crying unexpectedly. This is likely depression - at least that is what it was for me.  Coming out of a BPD relationship is very draining and many of us find out just how detached we were from ourselves as time away from our ex goes by.  Hang in there, it does get better.

I'm now finding myself doubting that she was even abusive, finding myself thinking that maybe there's just been something wrong with me the whole time. I think this feeling is coming from not being able to exactly put my finger on the sources of some of the feelings I had during the relationship that I'm no longer experiencing now that I'm out of it

I highlighted this part of your post because it is a very common feeling that Non's have ("Non" = non-BPD).  In fact, after reading about BPD, I suspected that I was the one with the problem and was projecting on to her.  In fact, most pwBPD cannot reflect upon themselves in this way - it is part of the definition of what makes a pwBPD who they are.  Many of us feel the Self-doubt about what happened, such as abuse, that you talk about.  I know for me, I spent many weeks and months wondering if I was inflating my feelings, not seeing her accurately or just being overly judgemental.  Trust your intuition on this.  If you sense that there was abuse, then there probably was.

When I first started here I can remember thinking to myself that there was that ever present feeling that ran through my 10 year marriage that "something is not quite right".  I have since found from reading the literature and posting/talking with others, that this feeling was about the BPD.  Some of the behaviors are very unusual in the sense that they are not what you would expect and are frequently subverted, leaving us with a sense that something is wrong but can't be identified.

Do you have children with your ex?  Are you able to stay with parents for awhile?

JRB

[Sotapanna]

Thank you for your response, it helps to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I would definitely say that even during the time before my ex's rage episodes and more overt abusive behaviors became obvious (which was for the majority of our relationship-- those tendencies only seemed to come out around the time we got engaged) I did often have the feeling that there was something "off" about the relationship that I couldn't quite put my finger on. And even after her behavior became more obviously inappropriate, it was easy enough for me to chalk it up to stress-- from her job, wedding planning, etc. It got to the point where I felt guilty for questioning her behavior, because she would so often tell me it was the result of my not helping enough with planning our wedding (that was a big, big sticking point) or because she felt that I didn't care enough about her problems at work.

Thankfully, we don't have any children, and I am able to stay with my parents until I figure out my next step.

[joeramabeme]

those tendencies only seemed to come out around the time we got engaged

BPD is a spectrum illness, meaning the closer we are to our BPD loved one, the more prevalent the traits are.  So this is not surprising, the closer you got the more her traits arose.

Glad to hear you are safe at your parents.  Do you have any plans for next steps or just figuring out what is next as it comes?

[Sotapanna]

I don't have completely solid plans yet-- I had been planning for quite some time to go back to school for a second Bachelor's degree. My first is in English and I've thought for a long time about changing career paths and going into conservation, so I'm enrolled in a program in Environmental Science, but I'm reluctant to actually register for classes-- I'm finding that I'm having a hard time trusting a lot of the decisions I made while I was still in the relationship, because I feel this weird distance from the "version" of myself that was in that situation-- like it wasn't really me making those plans. It's a weird place to be in.

[Sotapanna]

Also, I finally heard back from her today about going forward with the dissolution/divorce-- it looks like my suspicions were confirmed, as she has hired a lawyer. I don't know what she hopes to accomplish, since, as I mentioned above, everything has already been divided up, we have no kids, and there's nothing left to contest. So from my perspective it looks like she just intends to make it difficult for no discernible reason.

[joeramabeme]

Also, I finally heard back from her today about going forward with the dissolution/divorce-- it looks like my suspicions were confirmed, as she has hired a lawyer. I don't know what she hopes to accomplish, since, as I mentioned above, everything has already been divided up, we have no kids, and there's nothing left to contest. So from my perspective it looks like she just intends to make it difficult for no discernible reason.

Divorce is difficult and brings out difficult feelings and emotions.  I know during mine I felt very defensive and heard varying opinions about what to do from multiple people, it was all quite confusing at a time I felt highly confused and fearful.  She may just be reacting at the moment.  My guess is that a divorce attorney is not going to turn work away and once she understands the cost of hiring one versus what she expects to get she may well decide not to do so.  Then again, you can never be sure if she doesnt have some other thoughts about how things should be divided. 

Hang in there.