How many have addictions problems...?

[Herodias]

I am wondering how many of our exes have addiction problems. Mine used pot in high school... .Heroin when he got out of the military, then cocaine right before I met him. Alcohol and prescription drugs while he was with me... .I just can't believe someone like that would stop just because he has a baby. He tried to claim this would "help him grow up"... .He has lots of rehab and therapy. Nothing worked. He says he used it to calm his head. Sometimes I think about when I broke up with my ex before him and I never looked back because he was a drug addict. Why am I not doing this now? I think because that ex didn't make me feel loved the way this one did. We never said I love you and we rarely had sex. I think that is why I fell so hard for this one. After he and I broke up it didn't take long to meet this one. I heard if you sit at home being afraid of people, that's when you attract these people even more easily! I was sitting at home being afraid-the first time I went out-I met my husband. We are supposed to go out an shine! Be happy and that will allow us to not attract these people in the future... .maybe thats true. I feel like I should be looking at him like my other ex- as an addict and feel better about being away from him. I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .they have convinced themselves of it as well. I feel like my head knows different. Of course we should wish them well... .

[Hadlee]

I heard if you sit at home being afraid of people, that's when you attract these people even more easily! I was sitting at home being afraid-the first time I went out-I met my husband. We are supposed to go out an shine! Be happy and that will allow us to not attract these people in the future... .maybe thats true.

Not the case with me.  I was thriving when I met mine - going out all the time, career going full steam ahead, I was fit and healthy, and most importantly... .I was happy.

[Leonis]

Mine didn't have addiction problems either.

We met during our internship. We went to different universities in the same state and lived in different cities at the time.

[Hadlee]

I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .they have convinced themselves of it as well. I feel like my head knows different. Of course we should wish them well... .

Of course your connection wasn't right... .he is disordered

And they are different because they are mirroring someone different now.

[gotbushels]

Overuse of alcohol. I don't know enough about alcohol addiction and won't state more out of respect to that community.

She basically turned to drinking and sex for everything. Binge drinking frequency of about once every two to four weeks.

On weeknights I would have to go carry her unconscious body covered in vomit. Couldn't drive or get a cab because she would either open doors or throw up violently.

[Herodias]

I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .they have convinced themselves of it as well. I feel like my head knows different. Of course we should wish them well... .

"Of course your connection wasn't right... .he is disordered "- that's a good thing that I'm not!

"And they are different because they are mirroring someone different now."

Well, that's what doesn't make sense. I was and am thriving in business and I was not and am not a drug addict or alcoholic. I did have drinks with him in the beginning when we went out, but stopped when he had his DUI. I thought he would mirror me and stop. He didn't. He did tell me she doesn't like his drinking so he must still be doing it. At least last November when he told me that... .

[Herodias]

Overuse of alcohol. I don't know enough about alcohol addiction and won't state more out of respect to that community.

She basically turned to drinking and sex for everything. Binge drinking frequency of about once every two to four weeks.

On weeknights I would have to go carry her unconscious body covered in vomit. Couldn't drive or get a cab because she would either open doors or throw up violently.

So sorry you went through that- I can totally relate. Mine would urinate on himself and/or eat and fall asleep in his food late at night. He turned to porn and sex as well. Truly some of these people are abusing themselves... .so sad.

[Sadly]

Alcohol (very drunk every night)

Speed (can only have proper sex after speed and hours of porn)

Pot (every evening before drunken slobbering over food)

Good grief, just what exactly am I mourning the loss of?

[Hadlee]

"And they are different because they are mirroring someone different now."

Well, that's what doesn't make sense. I was and am thriving in business and I was not and am not a drug addict or alcoholic. I did have drinks with him in the beginning when we went out, but stopped when he had his DUI. I thought he would mirror me and stop. He didn't. He did tell me she doesn't like his drinking so he must still be doing it. At least last November when he told me that... .

Yeah I'm a bit clueless about that one

[Larmoyant]

Quote by Sadly: "Good grief, just what exactly am I mourning the loss of? huh"

Me too!

1. Addicted to copious amounts of alcohol. Every night. I started drinking more too, but have gone back to normal social drinking now.

2. Marijuana

3. Various medications from doctor for several 'ailments'. Always adding to the list

4. Occasional cocaine user

[Sadly]

I used to drink more too for a while, then I realised I had to be sober as his nastiness and rants grew with his alcohol intake and I needed to be ready. Not that it stopped him but I stopped answering back and making it worse. Of course then apparently I became " boring"

[freemanstrut]

My ex was addicted to anything and everything vaguely pleasurable that could give her even momentary relief from shame and discomfort.  Video games.  Sex.  Food.  Nicotine.  Pot.  Booze.  Meth.  Opiates.  Benzos.  _Everything_.

I caught her using meth - pupils so big that I could barely see the blue of her eyes - before she moved across the country to move in with me.  She was hanging out with shady friends and I had a paranoid itch.  I told her I was going to bed, and then Skype called her an hour later telling her I couldn't sleep.  Turns out, neither could she.

I almost cut things off right there, but I figured that I could provide a better environment for her.  She swore up and down she'd "only smoked one hit" but I have never seen pupils that big - and I experimented widely in my youth.  I could barely even see the blue of her eyes, just a tiny little ring around her massive pupils.  I even tried to find pictures of people with bigger pupils than hers had been on the internet and could not.

When we first got together she made the case that she was an alcoholic and that pot would be enough to keep her away from other drugs and alcohol.  It didn't.  She drank covertly every chance she got, and when the pot ran out, all bets were off.  

Even knowing my attitudes about substances wasn't enough to try to keep her from pitching doing cocaine or hallucinogens together as a "bonding experience" that would be fun for us.  My look of disgust and instant "no" was never quite enough to keep her from asking again a week to weeks later.

I kept our home alcohol free and never drank in front of her.  Those efforts were ultimately meaningless.

I kept her on a pretty short leash.  I worked from home and I knew she had substance issues.  She was my shadow, and I hers, for most of our relationship, but there was never enough oversight to keep her from drug-seeking behavior.  

One night a week I hung out with bros.  This time was sacrosanct to me, and that one night a week unsupervised was all it took for her to do stupid ___.

She was the kind of girl that checked other people's medicine cabinets the instant she walked into a bathroom at a friend's home.  She stole klonopin from two of my friends, formed a relationship with a white trash junkie somehow on the one day a week I left her to her own devices, and when there were no substances available, she binged on food and nicotine.

She cooked - and we both gained a great deal of weight.  My latest fitness kick came about because I was the fattest I had ever been.  I gained 40 pounds while dating her.  Extra butter on everything.  Multiple snacks a day.  All of the sugar.  She would literally eat raw sugar.

She was quite sweet - until an uncomfortable thought about herself struck her, and she would do anything, ANYTHING to escape it.

She was like a pied piper for junkies, vagrants, and ne'er-do-wells.  Seriously.  Give her a room with 29 healthy, functioning people and one addict and an hour, and somehow, magically she would be find them and be chatting up and getting chummy with the most ___ed up person in the room.

She said to me, "If you weren't so strict, I wouldn't be so tempted to ___ up" [paraphrased].  Yeah, and if I hadn't been so strict you would have been sneaking drugs and booze and cheating constantly.  Hearing that out of her just before we broke up was what made me all but certain that she had cheated and that she felt no accountability for her actions whatsoever.

What was I thinking?

She's an addict in every sense of the word.  There is no pleasurable experience she will not recklessly overindulge in.  None at all.

I used to be a pretty serious pothead.  I used to be pretty hedonistic.  I still smoke a bit of pot, but generally, I've replaced pot with exercise.  Seeing her total lack of accountability and her reckless, heedless desire to escape manifest in her life really drew my attention to parts of my own personality and behavior that were undesirable, both generally and to me.  

I have much less tolerance for excuses and rationalization from myself now.  It's made a big difference in how I engage with the world and for that - and only for that - I am grateful.

I had problems with mental illness.  I thought I understood her.  I thought I understood what drives people to escape and could help her.

I was wrong.

[once removed]

"And they are different because they are mirroring someone different now."

Well, that's what doesn't make sense. I was and am thriving in business and I was not and am not a drug addict or alcoholic. I did have drinks with him in the beginning when we went out, but stopped when he had his DUI. I thought he would mirror me and stop. He didn't. He did tell me she doesn't like his drinking so he must still be doing it. At least last November when he told me that... .

Yeah I'm a bit clueless about that one

"mirroring" is not the same as "copying" or even necessarily "behaving like". its not a bad thing in and of itself, either. mirroring facilitates bonding, and closer relationships. as an infant develops, a mother will mirror her child, and this actually facilitates the development of identity, a concept of self, and self esteem. the issue in a BPD relationship is that the person with BPD does not have that identity of their own. as well, you will often hear expressions like "oh, if my ex was mirroring me, that means i just fell in love with myself", which i think misses the mark pretty broadly. the truth is a person with BPD mirrors the way you want others to see you - the way, and reasons you want others to love you (something we must give to ourselves). sadly, this is not sustainable.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Mirroring   check out skips post in particular.

in light of that Blue, id put a different spin on this:

I heard if you sit at home being afraid of people, that's when you attract these people even more easily! I was sitting at home being afraid-the first time I went out-I met my husband. We are supposed to go out an shine! Be happy and that will allow us to not attract these people in the future... .maybe thats true.

i dont think theres any such thing as BPD repellent. a happy, confident person attracts people of all kinds, healthy and not healthy. if you sit at home being afraid of people, you are living in fear and vulnerability. it is true that this makes us less emotionally available to a healthy person. it is true that it makes us more vulnerable to a whirlwind, too good to be true kind of relationship. yes, learn to be happy, confident and free, and you will internalize it, and you will be less inclined to settle for just anyone, or put your neck on the line for abuse. building healthy boundaries and living our values goes a long way toward building, and projecting self love, as well as navigating a difficult world, which includes disordered personalities and other high conflict or challenging people. we cant hide from them. they exist in our families, in our churches, in our place of work, they are our neighbors, our friends. we do not have to enter a romantic relationship with them.

I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .they have convinced themselves of it as well. I feel like my head knows different. Of course we should wish them well... .

it depends on what you mean by "different". his personality hasnt changed. his behavior may have, its a different relationship with a different person, and in the sense that a relationship is a series of interactions between two unique people, every relationship for every person will be different. surely all of your relationships have not been exactly the same, but there are fundamental parts of you that have not changed, and will inevitably play a role in all your interpersonal relationships. same for him. she will not respond in exactly the way you did - the dynamics will be different. does different mean "better"? probably not as far as youre concerned, but she isnt you, and you arent her. she may be willing to tolerate, or even blissfully happy with behavior that you are not willing to tolerate. at the end of the day, thats what matters. this wasnt the right relationship for you. whether they "succeed" or whatever definition of "success" we operate on is irrelevant to that.

with that in mind, would you say your connection was right?

[Herodias]

I used to drink more too for a while, then I realised I had to be sober as his nastiness and rants grew with his alcohol intake and I needed to be ready. Not that it stopped him but I stopped answering back and making it worse. Of course then apparently I became " boring"

Exactly!  Me too... .I became boring then too... .I felt the same way- I knew if I drank, it would be dangerous... .I told him I needed to balance out his drinking and because he drank so much, I had to stop. He always told me that he missed the old me... .the one he could drink with : (

[Herodias]

Thanks for the insight Once removed, your comments make sense. Did I think we were right for each other? I did in the beginning when he was acting like he wanted everything I did... .I got along great with his family- I am very much like his Mother. She and I were shocked by this. She was just a bit harsh in my opinion, but I kind of understand now why and what they went through, now that I know the truth. He and I had a very nice lifestyle together... .but I didn't know what all was going on behind my back. I think at the time I thought I was better off with someone who drank, than the drug addict I left before him. Things were so different for the first few years than they became later. Now I would say no to your question... .the connection was totally wrong. I think I know what type of person he would need to be with if he was a healthy person, but that's not the person he just had a baby with... .for sure!  I do know this for a fact. He will figure it out later... .right now they are living in a fools paradise.  I am not right for him either... .and no one really is- as long as he lies and does all that he does. Your thoughts on boundaries and being ready for a healthy relationship are very true. I wasn't ready for one when I met my husband. I know now what that can lead to and I am not going to make that mistake again.

[greenmonkey]

My exes addiction was not drink or drugs but work.

She lived ate breathed work. She was unable to talk about anything else to anyone, including her young son. She would work all hours, so she would not have to face day to day life and deal with it. She would get home and sleep, and eat junk, carbs etc, then speak to randoms on FB. She would do this as many days a week as she could and work as many hours extra for no overtime  so she did not have to deal with anything.

It was an existence not living in any shape nor form.

Work was her security and when things were bad the work hours increased. So it was her drug of choice.

[joeramabeme]

My ex was not an drug addict or alcoholic but shopped at least 4-5 times/day.

I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .t

Heron, why do you think like this?  Isn't this just another form of self-blame?  Must have been about me?  While it may be true that they may have a different style of r/s with someone else, where they go - how they act etc - the fundamental properties of BPD remain static until addressed.  Their behavior is not about you, it is about them.  Your response to this behavior is what is about you.

[Herodias]

My ex was not an drug addict or alcoholic but shopped at least 4-5 times/day.

I just hate that feeling of somehow they are different now and it was just our connection that wasn't right, because they want us to believe that... .t

Heron, why do you think like this?  Isn't this just another form of self-blame?  Must have been about me?  While it may be true that they may have a different style of r/s with someone else, where they go - how they act etc - the fundamental properties of BPD remain static until addressed.  Their behavior is not about you, it is about them.  Your response to this behavior is what is about you.

Thanks... .this is true. I want to 'kick the habit" of him... .I really do.



"Good grief, just what exactly am I mourning the loss of?"


Yes... .that's what I keep ing asking myself,

[insideoutside]

My friend was in to drugs when I was seeing him when he was 21 and when I recently reconnected with him he was completely clean and sober and had given up drugs and alcohol for 10 years (would make him 38 when he gave up).  So he was pretty much a drug addict and alcoholic for nearly 20 years.

My friend is very aware that clean living is the way to deal with his illness along with therapy but he did get a little despondent with the clean living.  I guess from being completely off his face for years to stone cold sober must be a huge change in lifestyle to stick to. I was super proud that he had ditched his old behaviour.

[atomic popsicles]

Mine has a serious addiction that has caused psychosis... .he has a long history of 1 addiction after another.

[sweet tooth]

Mine wasn't a substance abuser at all. She was, however, a binge eater. She told me one time that she had problems with her phone because "it thought she was going on adult sites." But she swore she didn't go on any porn sites. Honestly, don't care if she went to adult sites. We all have urges. I care more that I doubt her story and that she might have lied about it.

[sweet tooth]

If she were a drug addict I would have ended it immediately. It also would have been easier to detach.

[kc sunshine]

My ex's alcohol intake increased dramatically over the course of our break up/make up cycles. This past one, she drank a beer or a glass of wine after work pretty regularly and then drank to drunkenness once a week or so (sometimes a couple of times if there was an outing). One interesting thing is that different kinds of alcohol affected her differently-- in particular her ex told me that gin made her mean (and it did!) while other kinds of alcohol had different effects.

[Lilyroze]

Herodias,

I wanted to say in another post so sorry for all you are going through. Seems like you tried so hard, what a nightmare. Truly! I hope this ends in a good way for you soon. The stress is too much at time.

Appreciate your questions and everyone who answers as well. Really helps me.

Mine is addicted to the net, porn, games, women etc. and I know this sounds weird but ephedrine stacks. When he started taking them for asthma? told him to go to Dr. for real medicine, and that the stack is not for that. Those were the excuses he used for taking them.

When he started taking them it actually made his blood pressure worse, he would go into raging fits, had many accidents. He doesn't count them as accidents because they were deer ( yes that many... .)... .LOL or other peoples fault. Huh? How does that work an accident is an accident. In fact one he got into, totalled car. Got new used car next day accident in town hitting 4 cars.

But in his mind he is not addicted or raging, just mad at me. I could always tell when he went off for two weeks and back on. There were reasonable times, then crazy times. Sad really. He doesn't want to be blamed for anything, never says sorry, always my fault, doesn't want to talk of past. But rages about anything I did 10 years ago ( small things like disagreed with him on how he handled anger at work). Strange, like he is in another world.

Again thanks all for the posts it really helps.

By the way one more thing he said never drank, as didn't like taste his Dad was addicted. When I found beer in the car after one of his accidents he yelled I can't control him. He has been buying tons of wine now as well.

[ScotisGone74]

I can say that my exBPD was not a raging alcoholic or hardcore drug abuser, but I did see that over the course of our relationship there was quite an upswing in her drinking and use of prescription drugs, and it was always at in opportune times, like before going to work-we worked in Healthcare together and it was serious business-she would be pouring shots of liquor into her coffee or taking liquid hydrocodone, then try to push some on me as well, I never partook and warned her about it a few times, but she always had some excuse and I didn't see her doing any of until the last few months of the relationship.    The binge eating was a whole other thing,  she would barely eat anything over a couple days, then just come home and gorge, depending on her mood. 

I have read that drug use makes them feel more normal, I know there are many of us who have probably used drugs at one time or another.  I would say overall the difference is for us we would tend to use more to fight depression, and from what I've seen Bpd s use more out of impulsivity or to even try to avoid responsibility with. 

[gotbushels]

My ex was addicted to anything and everything vaguely pleasurable that could give her even momentary relief from shame and discomfort.  Video games.  Sex.  Food.  Nicotine.  Pot.  Booze.  Meth.  Opiates.  Benzos.  _Everything_.

... .

I was wrong.

freemanstrut wow. What a read. Thank you for sharing freemanstrut, and my sympathies to your previous situation. I'm glad you're out of it. I'm also glad to hear that you had it in your life to tend toward healthy options like exercise instead of substances.

There are times in your story where you mention that you were in a darker place--then you share that you came out from them. You also shared that you sought to help her because you felt similarities between your stories. I think that's commendable. While I don't know how it played out--and being the hero tends not to end up well for the majority of nons (it seems)--I think it's good of you to have chosen to try, at that time. It's difficult. I'm certainly not encouraging it, but it's worth holding out as it's well over. I'm glad it's over for you. I hope you find more peace and rest:)

[freemanstrut]

Thank you, Bushels.  There were times in my young adult life where I did everything I could to drown out the noise in my head, and that inspired a sense of kinship to her in her struggles. 

But there was nothing I could do to address the underlying issues.  No amount of support was enough.  No amount of logic or reasoning could help me understand her, or her herself.

I drew a line in the sand, and she crossed it.  Over and over again.

Part of me feels like I deserve this for my arrogance in assuming that I was strong enough.  For assuming that I could love away the pain she held, the suffering, the shame.  For believing that I could understand that which cannot be understood.

But another part of me knows that I did all I could.  I created a path for her to sobriety and a different way of life.  She wanted desperately to be the person I wished she could be, but she couldn't, and I am better off spending the effort I spent trying to save her fixing my own life. 

I'm glad it's over, and I'm very glad what I said resonated with someone.

Peace comes and goes.  Rest is elusive.  But I remain.

[Fr4nz]

My experience: my ex had serious problem with alcohol, especially wine. Mind that she's a sommellier -- and an excellent one! -- so she works with it... .and that was a problem, since her work gives her almost unlimited access to wines (characterized by an excellent quality... .).

She's not an alcoholic in the traditional sense, in that her problem was with binge drinking.

Indeed, during our 1,5 years r/s she got drunk on a weekly basis -- this translates, literally, in tens of binges on weekends, and the big problem was that when she got drunk, she often became raging/nasty, thus impossible to control; really, I cannot count the times she ruined nice social settings (e.g., a marriage of a friend of mine, a new year celebration, etc.)!

Also, trying to make her reason about the issue turned out to be completely futile -- if not counter-productive -- since she perceived those attempts as attacks against her person.

She was well aware of the problem, though, insomuch that she often told me she wanted to change... .mind that she had two serious road-accidents with her scooter in the past... .because of alcohol (and in both occasions she was on the verge of ethilic coma!). She never learned the lessons from those experiences, apparently... .

For what concerns other drugs, there weren't big problems; for example, we made occasional use of marijuana, and it was absolutely okay... .it even had nice effects on her, since it made her relaxed and happy, thus temporarily suppressing the BPD traits (apparently).

However, I have to say that towards the end of our r/s she started to make pretty heavy use of cocaine (never used with me before)... .I don't know what happened afterwards.

All in all, my story is a further empirical confirmation that sufferers tend to have huge problems with substances.