About my mother and our family

[zubie_t]

hello.

  I fortunately very rarely ever see my mother these days.  Though she only half an hour away. But I only see her if family from far away is visiting, and then we hardly talk.  I have a lack of love for her, and would not really care if she died.  I cannot believe really that is how I feel, but I just feel nothing for her at all.  Just completely numb.  I don't hate her currently, though I have at times.  Mainly I have always knew that she could not help it. 

She has told me that her mother was very bad to her as well, and from the accounts of her siblings they all agree.  And my grandma's behavior I believe is also BPD. My uncle has said growing up you never knew if she was going to let you go by with something or get in trouble and my mother said she'd get in trouble for having a smirk on her face.

And talking to my grandmother, she also has lamented how terrible her mother was, very over protective and that she was very miserable growing up.  So I think I have a family that I have traced with two generations of women over me with BPD, and now I have two kids.  I try to keep my emotions steady, but I do see my own emotions swing at times.  So I know I am not completely normal and okay either. 

My husband is very emotionally stable, and I have told him from the start that having a baseline of what is normal and what is not is very hard for me, and he has helped me a lot. 



I have decided it is better for me to not try to speak to my mother anymore. She visited a few weeks ago and it was the first time in a long time that we saw each other, and she didn't yell but I could see she was very disapproving of my house and my choices... But the thing was, I noticed my house was fairly clean.  Which when growing up, it wasn't.  I had a lot of trouble, (I think I was too dis-associative) to be able to do these basic things I was supposed to do, and so I felt I on some level deserved the attacks I got.  Even though I knew it was always too much.  But this time, it was clear there was nothing I did wrong.  I told my dad about it yesterday and he said he has often seen her make a big deal out of thin air. 

My dad also is such a great person, he has always been so gentle and as a child he would patiently explain everything to me that I asked.  And it just seems so cruel and awful that he should have been treated this way for so long. 

  It is sad in a way, cause I had in the past imagined that I could somehow bridge the gap and even though not perfect with my motehr, but now I don't want to try unless she initiates it, and if she ever does then I will have a no being abusive policy. 

I only found out that she is most likely BPD a few weeks ago, though me and my dad have known for many years that something was wrong.  When i showed my dad the link that described symptoms of BPD we both were like, that sounds exactly like her!  So it is kind of nice in a way. 

She would yell at us and villify us on a regular basis.  And when one of us was it, her victim, we were the worst people ever.  Both me and him had many times tried to talk to her and get a reasonably response, but it never helped, so we both just learned to deal, wait for it calm, or many times he would walk away for a while.  I remember as a kid, when she was mad she looked absolutely rabid with rage.  And that was terrifying, and if I even thought I heard her voice nearby I would be completely terrorfied.

When I was growing up my dad almost got out of the abuse, when he was telling me he was thinking about packing and leaving for California, but I begged him not to leave me alone with her, and so he stayed. 

My dad lives on her property but in a separate house currently.  He sees her every week for a shared dinner.  So really at any time, she can still be harmful to him. 

[Kwamina]

Hi zubie_t and welcome to bpdfamily

You only recently found out your mother likely is BPD but have known for quite some time there was something wrong with her behavior.

Being abused is very unpleasant so I definitely understand your desire for wanting to protect yourself from it. When dealing with someone with BPD, setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important indeed.

You have found it difficult talking to your mother. I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. No matter how you decide to move forward with the relationship with your mother, I think the resources we have here can help you. We for instance describe various communication techniques such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.. Are you familiar with any of these techniques? These communication techniques help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. These structured forms of communicating also help us stay more calm ourselves.

You've become aware that your mother felt her own mother did not treat her right either. Your grandmother has expressed similar sentiments about her own mother. You also notice certain emotional instability in yourself at times. Being aware of your own problems is the first step to being able to work on them. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with certain issues in their adult lives, fortunately through hard work we can learn to better manage these issues and break the cycle of conflict and dysfunction. I encourage you to take a look at the Survivor's Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse, you'll find it in the right-hand side margin of this board.

Take care