Identifying the Healing In Our Lives

[Woolspinner2000]

In my recent trip to my deceased dad’s home to go through all of his things in preparation for the upcoming auction of his estate, I noticed something really important:  I am healing! It was significant enough that I thought ‘Identifying the healing in our lives’ would be a great topic for discussion.  

In my own life I often feel as if I go two or three steps forward in a positive direction of healing from the effects of the BPD in my life, then I go 5 to 10 steps backwards it seems. The day to day grind is hard. Not only do we have to deal with our BPD relationships, but we have to deal with those who trigger similar responses within us. Then off we go into the spiral of self-defeat and discouragement.

So are we really healing? How do we know? How can we identify that positive growth?

Here is an example from the visit to my dad’s:

In my FOO when I was 12 years old (that was 40 years ago), my uBPDm banned us from seeing any of my dad’s family members. No more Christmas or any contact with my grandparents or aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even after I became an adult and married, still I was afraid. What if my uBPDm found out?  They were terrible people after all, because mom said so.   Although I began having LC with my dad’s extended family about 20 years ago, I was still afraid to trust, to get to know them on a deeper level. Then 2 years ago, after being in T for a few years, I felt it was time to open up to them about those early years of my life, to be honest with them, and to make my own observations and decisions about my extended family, no longer seeing them through the eyes of my mom.

Since my aunts were my dad's siblings, I invited them to come and help my sister and I go through my dad’s things. I felt secure enough to extend that invitation to them for one main reason:  I needed them to support me. I have grown comfortable enough around them that it no longer matters if I cry  :'( or laugh   or share those deeply emotional and grieving times with them. You know what happened? They loved us  , enjoyed us, and surrounded us in a boundary of protection from the step mom who is purging everything from the house. She is not a bad step mom, but she was not able to love my sister and I through this in the way we needed to be cared for. How ironic that the very relatives my uBPDm despised came full circle to be those who loved us the most!   To see myself being comfortable and trusting them said to me that I have healed and am healing in my ability to trust and to receive love. I was also able to set a boundary (which also indicates my healing) to not go up to my dad’s until I had loving people around me.

How about the rest of you? How do you measure the healing in your lives? This is the Coping and Healing board after all, so a thread about healing is a positive way to focus on the forward steps we are making.  You may also wish to use the Survivor’s Guide on the right as a great way of taking a peek at where you started and the progress you are making. Please share your stories!



Wools

[Please help]

Great post. I too have recently contacted my extended family and they are normal. We had one long conversation about why I went NC with everyone for 25 years. I am 42. They understood and I felt bad missing parts of their lives. The reality is if i stayed, i would be dead, in jail or so messed up on drugs.

For me, healing is when you can look at the trauma, fully understand how it came to be and then accept how it helped shape who you are today. If you can do all this in a calm mood and not get worked up, you are healing.

Thanks

[Turkish]

Wools, great story. I also don't sense anger over being seperated from loving people for so long. You took back the power which was robbed from you.

For me, healing is when you can look at the trauma, fully understand how it came to be and then accept how it helped shape who you are today. If you can do all this in a calm mood and not get worked up, you are healing.

I used to wish I could forget my whole life before I was 18 and moved away. Not all of it had to do with my mother. The summer I was 17, Star Trek V came out. Kirk's I need my pain!" speech really resonated with me. I saw the movie 4 times (it was a rural town, with one theater and 4 screens, and I was also bored when not working).

Life went on and 18 years later I chose my uBPDx to be the mother of my children. Having rejected therapy as being for the "weak," (in part due to my mom's opinion that everyone needed therapy, me specifically), I instead embraced it.

I'm far more open now than I used to be, and in trying to imagine everything taken away with a magic wand, I realize I would be a different person. There's a saying, "hurt people hurt people." It refers to others, but I think it can also apply to we hurting ourselves, if that makes sense. I resolved to stop hurting myself. It's still a journey, but I can't control other people, only myself.

[HappyChappy]

Having rejected therapy as being for the "weak," ... .I instead embraced it.

Yeap, the avoidance of getting help or showing a weakness, was implanted in me  by my BPD upbringing. I only realised I was brought up a BPD  a couple of years ago. My mental health had been slowly getting worse without any rhyme nor reason. But the BPD realisation led to me getting Therapy (CBT) for my C-PTSD. It’s only been a few months but the difference has been quiet marked. When I have the panicky doom mongering  thoughts, I can now rationalise them away with the more realistic thoughts.

 

I also realise, when it happens slowly over time, it easy to overlook your positive progress. I found comparing my first few posts on this and other forums, to my more resent posts, was a good way of measuring progress. It's a great feeling to see the progress. 

[Fie]

I like this post 

I felt that I am healing when yesterday my mother told me that my ‘accusation’ of her being borderline was completely not true, and only because of my own ‘unhappiness’ – so I needed a scapegoat, and that was her. Or maybe because I was borderline myself ? (after I told her I am not unhappy) She told me I should feel guilty for making her feel like a bad mum.

Before, I would have  complied – and told her I was sorry. Instead, now I managed to stay calm and comprehensive but I also told her there was nothing for me to feel guilty about. When I felt that I was talking to her as an adult, not as a fearful child, I realized I was healing.

[unicorn2014]

Powerful post Wools, I will have to think about it and get back to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

[Woolspinner2000]

Great responses! 

Please help, I admire the fact that you are able to see the healing which has already come in your own life. Keep up the good work!  You are on the fast track of discovery, and you are learning so much.

There's a saying, "hurt people hurt people." It refers to others, but I think it can also apply to we hurting ourselves, if that makes sense. I resolved to stop hurting myself. It's still a journey, but I can't control other people, only myself.

Turkish, I really like this saying, and how true it is especially if we turn it around to think of how it applies to ourselves. How very true! Yet like you are doing, as we step into the healing journey which often involves T, we begin to counteract the hurts that we impose upon ourselves. I'm glad you are so much better now. 

HC, how wonderful that you can see such a difference in your well being after the help you've been receiving too!

But the BPD realisation led to me getting Therapy (CBT) for my C-PTSD. It’s only been a few months but the difference has been quiet marked. When I have the panicky doom mongering  thoughts, I can now rationalise them away with the more realistic thoughts.

So Awesome! 

And Unicorn, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. How are you coming in considering your own healing? From my own observation, seeing that you reach out and post here, thus not keeping the mess inside of you, is a step and sign of healing. You are beginning to recognize that it isn't your fault. Am I close?

I wanted to share another example of healing in my own life from that time at my dad's house a few weeks ago. I didn't get triggered! Considering the fact that while it was not the house in which I grew up, there was still a great opportunity for a tremendous amount of triggering to occur. About 2 weeks before my aunts and my sister joined me, I went up for a few hours to work on cleaning out one particular room for my step mom. Now THAT was a very triggering day, but that is a topic for another thread someday. But in it's own way, that difficult afternoon helped me work through some intense grief and connections to my past and helped me when I got to the big workdays.

The potential for hardship surrounded the fact that we would be sorting through boxes of items that belonged to both my uBPDm and my dad (who were divorced 30 years ago). In other words, items from my childhood and FOO. There were plenty of those things. I think my sister and I were quite shocked over how much was still there, not having any idea we would find anything that touched back to those days. Most of the items were treasures to us rather than painful. There were a few things here and there that we looked at, noted our body's reaction of "I don't want to keep this one!" and so we threw them out, not thinking twice about it. No triggering. To realize it was like a volcano that could've erupted, pretty significant that the volcano wasn't even blowing smoke. 

Anymore stories out there? If you look at the Survivors Guide on the right, where are you now compared with when you first came to this site?



Wools

[Sunfl0wer]

To see myself being comfortable and trusting them said to me that I have healed and am healing in my ability to trust and to receive love. I was also able to set a boundary (which also indicates my healing) to not go up to my dad’s until I had loving people around me.

How wonderful Wools!  Such powerful realization and place to be with yourself, nice!


Thank you for opening the topic to include the rest of us to focus on healing!

Tbh, atm, it is hard for me to measure healing.  I feel like so much of me has become somewhat fragmented.  I only hope the reason is to put things back to become a stronger me. (The way that broken bones actually heal stronger than original bone)

Generally I can recognize healing when I find myself no longer consciously trying so hard at implementing a new skill and my response no longer needs to be a pause, think, then apply skill, but it turns into instinct reaction, somewhat more integrated into who I am.

Other ways to recognize healing for me is... .

Observing the way I use my body, and the comfort that I have while in it.

What I mean is, sometimes I isolate and avoid things, other times I go force myself to do things to "feel" ok, then there are times I am doing things and feel at home with myself/my body in the process.

Also... .

When I get out of my comfort zone, find moments of success to celebrate, allow this feeling to spread inside of me.  This feels like healing happening.

It felt very good to focus and write about healing!  How great!

[unicorn2014]

And Unicorn, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. How are you coming in considering your own healing? From my own observation, seeing that you reach out and post here, thus not keeping the mess inside of you, is a step and sign of healing. You are beginning to recognize that it isn't your fault. Am I close?

I am not really sure. I'm having some huge adult child of disordered parents issues right now. People are telling me to cut my family off. Its kind of funny, this is what I used to hear regarding someone else. I don't really want to cut my family off. I'm kind of at a loss here.

[polly87]

Thanks for this thread Wools, I like the positive vibe

Like you, I was told I shouldn't contact my dad or my dad's extended family by my uBPD mother. It was only after I went NC with her that I dared to contact them after all. I've known them for 2 or 3 years now and they're among the best people I've ever met! Of course, my mother wouldn't want me to speak to them because she knew if I had loving people around me then I'd have seen her for the bag of sh-t she is!

Another bit of healing in my life is the fact that I've started dating again and I'm determined not to blend into my partner this time.   When I was a kid, my mother would control every aspect of my life, my thoughts and my feelings and somehow this pattern repeated itself in my two previous relationships. I'm going to try and remain my own person this time and not spill my entire soul after a couple of dates.

When I first came to this site I think I was at step 3 or 4 of the survivor's guide. I went through a couple of massive breakthroughs and now I'm at 17 or so. I think I'll be able to work again in a couple of months. It's incredible how far one can come with a lot of effort!

[Kwamina]

Great thread Wools

So are we really healing? How do we know? How can we identify that positive growth?

One of the ways I know I'm healing/growing is that I am better able to notice and identify what is going on with me on an emotional and mental level. I am better able to notice myself getting anxious and can then try to use some of the tools and resources such as mindfulness/meditation. Mindfulness/meditation helps me alleviate anxiety, but also helps me better notice and identify anxiety. What has been very important for me is learning about emotional flashbacks and the steps we can take to manage them. I have greatly benefited from this.

Another sign of my healing/growing is how I am able to identify the dynamics of relationships, with disordered family-members but also with difficult co-workers and clients. This really helps as I can then apply strategies that likely are more effective. I find the concepts of the Karpmann triangle and FOG very helpful for mapping or conceptualizing the dynamics of conflict. It's like diagnosing the conflict and then I can use other tools to try and remedy the situation.

But the most significant sign of my healing is probably that I no longer feel completely hopeless now. I remember when I was 18 how hard it was for me just to get through one single day. Envisioning the next day felt nearly impossible. It is still a struggle but compared to the state I was in then, I can definitely see significant healing/growth.

The interesting thing with healing/growth that I've found though, is that the more I heal, the more I seem to hurt. Before I could not handle the pain so I basically distanced myself from my own emotions to such a degree that I now know I was dissociating from my pain. It was a coping mechanism. I am now better able to sit with my feelings, sit with my pain... .it can be very overwhelming though. Sometimes it's like I'm experiencing all the emotions at once that I had been distancing myself from for many years. However, all things considered, it is definitely a good thing being able to feel again

[Harri]

Kwamina said

The interesting thing with healing/growth that I've found though, is that the more I heal, the more I seem to hurt.

Yes, me too.  Healing is not a state of no pain or grief.

Before I could not handle the pain so I basically distanced myself from my own emotions to such a degree that I now know I was dissociating from my pain. It was a coping mechanism. I am now better able to sit with my feelings, sit with my pain... .it can be very overwhelming though. Sometimes it's like I'm experiencing all the emotions at once that I had been distancing myself from for many years. However, all things considered, it is definitely a good thing being able to feel again

Same here.  I have to remind myself that when my pain is present it does not mean I have regressed or made no progress. 

[Fie]

Quote

The interesting thing with healing/growth that I've found though, is that the more I heal, the more I seem to hurt.

Yes, me too.  Healing is not a state of no pain or grief.

Quote

Before I could not handle the pain so I basically distanced myself from my own emotions to such a degree that I now know I was dissociating from my pain. It was a coping mechanism. I am now better able to sit with my feelings, sit with my pain... .it can be very overwhelming though. Sometimes it's like I'm experiencing all the emotions at once that I had been distancing myself from for many years. However, all things considered, it is definitely a good thing being able to feel again

Same here.  I have to remind myself that when my pain is present it does not mean I have regressed or made no progress.

Hello Kwamina and Harri, I too have the same relation with pain. It is so interesting to see that there are people out there who have feelings like me !

[polly87]

But the most significant sign of my healing is probably that I no longer feel completely hopeless now. I remember when I was 18 how hard it was for me just to get through one single day. Envisioning the next day felt nearly impossible.

I'm glad you are able to look ahead now even though it is still hard. You must have been in survival mode all the time. I remember I felt the same when I was younger. I always looked for something to count down to, like a holiday or a concert , because otherwist I was just waiting for my life to pass.

Harri, great to see you again! How have you been my friend? 

Like you and Kwamina I feel that healing can mean just sitting with your emotions, your grief... .Not putting them away like we were forced to by our parents.

[HappyChappy]

Harri, Fie and Polly87,

You guys have all hit the nail on the head for me.   I could never understand the phrase, “If it don’t kill you it makes you stronger”. But having just had a run of bad luck, I feel  good this time around. Didn’t before. I believe the healing has compensated for the bad luck. So there’s still pain when I think about the bad luck, but this is overtaken very quickly by my more positive outlook.  Let’s have an internet party.

But the most significant sign of my healing is probably that I no longer feel completely hopeless now.

One thing my T said was, theses intense or scary emotions, just wait, they always pass.

[Kwamina]

Hello Kwamina and Harri, I too have the same relation with pain. It is so interesting to see that there are people out there who have feelings like me !

It is indeed Fie! We are no longer alone

I'm glad you are able to look ahead now even though it is still hard. You must have been in survival mode all the time. I remember I felt the same when I was younger. I always looked for something to count down to, like a holiday or a concert , because otherwist I was just waiting for my life to pass.

I am sorry though that you felt the same :'( Constant survival mode pretty much sums it up yeah, not a very healthy state to be in always experiencing so much stress but I got through it. Thanks for your kind words polly

I believe the healing has compensated for the bad luck. So there’s still pain when I think about the bad luck, but this is overtaken very quickly by my more positive outlook.  Let’s have an internet party.

This definitely sounds like progress Internet party is a good idea, drinks are on Wools since she's the host

One thing my T said was, theses intense or scary emotions, just wait, they always pass.

Your T is very wise, thanks for sharing this HappyChappy!

[Woolspinner2000]

A party sounds like a great idea, Kwamina and HC! 

This definitely sounds like progress  Doing the right thing Internet party is a good idea, drinks are on Wools since she's the host 

Might be interesting the drinks we come up with for a parrot, a llama, a wolf, and a dog. Ideas anyone? 

I too have been really struck by the thoughts Kwamina shared.

The interesting thing with healing/growth that I've found though, is that the more I heal, the more I seem to hurt. Before I could not handle the pain so I basically distanced myself from my own emotions to such a degree that I now know I was dissociating from my pain. It was a coping mechanism. I am now better able to sit with my feelings, sit with my pain... .it can be very overwhelming though. Sometimes it's like I'm experiencing all the emotions at once that I had been distancing myself from for many years. However, all things considered, it is definitely a good thing being able to feel again

This is a great observation, and very true.  So often when I put my toe into the waters of feeling when I first began T, I could not allow myself to feel at all, and I ran away from the pain. Now sometimes the painful feelings can be overwhelming, but like others have shared, I am able to feel the pain and not run away. It is hard, and there have been times when it hurts enough that I wish I didn't feel the hurtful things. However, it really is a sign of healing that we can experience so much emotion and still survive it. There have even been times when the positive feelings well up within me, and I struggle to allow them as well because they are so unfamiliar to me. I need to run and get my list of feeling words or glance at my feeling wheel to figure out what to call this strange positiveness that's going on inside me! Tis indeed a very good thing though, and one more sign of healing.

Such wonderful thoughts all of you have shared. You are real, vulnerable, and encouraging. 

From Pete Walker's book: The Tao of Fully Feeling:

"As we become more emotionally whole, our health and vitality naturally improve. When we disburden ourselves of old unresolved traumas, energy wasted holding the past at bay becomes available for celebrating daily life."

Wools

[purekalm]

Hello WoolSpinner2000,

Great topic.   

I can relate to Kwamina with disassociating my pain. I couldn't handle the pain anymore when I was about fifteen and forced myself not to feel. It wasn't until my early twenties I even tried to feel again. So, that's how I know that I'm healing,  because of the pain.

At first I was completely overwhelmed with it, and now it's a lack of it concerning situations and people that let me know I'm healing. I'm extremely hard on myself, so it's hard to give myself any type of pat on the back, nigh impossible really, but that's how I know. 

[maleficent]

Wow! This post really hit home for me. My parents divorced when I was about nine. My mother eventually convinced my siblings and I that my dad was evil and his family was too. I didn't talk to my dad and my dad's family for years. Not only that but she remarried shortly after her divorce to my dad was finalized and guilted us into calling my step-dad my dad.

[Woolspinner2000]

Maleficent and Purkalm,

Thanks for popping in and sharing your thoughts!  Nice to have you both chime in. Sounds like you both are discovering more about yourselves and your family. 



Purekalm, I think this is really a great sign that you are for sure healing. I don't like the pain either, but at least now we can both allow ourselves to feel it.

It wasn't until my early twenties I even tried to feel again. So, that's how I know that I'm healing,  because of the pain.

Maleficent, please know for sure that you are not alone in being isolated from your family. Sadly it is a typical but dysfunctional trait of a BPD to isolate in order to insulate themselves from perceived rejection. I'm sorry that you went through this too.

Keep healing you guys!



Wools

[Fie]

Maleficent, please know for sure that you are not alone in being isolated from your family. Sadly it is a typical but dysfunctional trait of a BPD to isolate in order to insulate themselves from perceived rejection. I'm sorry that you went through this too.

Unfortunately, my mum did the same. I thought she did it to isolate me, so she would have me to herself.

Do you mean BPD also isolates because THEY want to be isolated (well, 'want', out of rejection 'before the other one rejects' ?

[polly87]

I think I've been doing a lot of healing over the past few weeks. Things have come up in my life and I've had to deal with lots of feelings. It's been exhausting but worth it, I guess. In the past, I would have looked for ways to avoid having to feel, but now, I can allow myself to feel fear and pain. I don't feel the need to numb myself as much as I used to. The next step is learning to express my feelings on paper or even to the people closest to me. Overcoming the shame again and learning how to be open.

[Woolspinner2000]

The auction at my dad's was this past weekend. It wasn't without it's rough spots, but through it all, I continue to see signs of my healing, and also of the healing of those around me. When someone asked if I was having a hard time seeing my dad's things be auctioned, I was honest with my feelings, even though my step mom was standing right there rejoicing over the sale. She reacted verbally completely opposite of me, but I was so pleased that this time I allowed myself to verbally speak my own feelings without giving in to those of others around me.

Once again my aunts and uncles and even some cousins were there to help my sister and I through this. The healing within my family, from who we were separated for so long, has been such a balm during this rough time. How disappointed I was when my step mom headed south to her 'home' less than 2 days after the auction, and I was triggered by the reminders of my uBPDm when she left my dad and divorced him. Although I struggled with abandonment and feelings of betrayal (and am still working through it), the healing is in noting that we have been given more in this new found relationship with our family than we are losing with our step-mom.

Recently I watched a movie about the story behind Moby Dick. While this isn't necessarily a plug for the movie, there was a line near the end that really spoke to me. The actor playing Melville said after he heard the whole story surrounding the sinking of the whaling ship (roughly quoted from my memory), "I learned that it takes courage to go back and do what you don't want to do." He was speaking about the need the main character had to go back and walk through the trauma in his story in order to heal from it. That reminded me not only of myself in this journey to healing from the effects of an uBPDm, but also of all my fellow sojourners, you, the members here at bpdfamily.

Keep working at the healing. You'll get there!  Remember, it takes courage. 

 
Wools

[anyplacesafe]

I wanted to join in with this, even though it's a challenge and scary for me to note healing in my own life, because of the voices which have come in saying "this is fake" or "this won't make you feel better" or "this won't be worth the cost". So one thing I'd say is that I think it's a sign of healing in my life that I can acknowledge those voices and still commit to noticing and verbalising my own healing.

Signs of healing are very small for me right now, but I am definitely way more in touch with my inner child, with my religious feelings, and with my partner about the existence of said "inner child". I have been more open with my T as well. I am far more aware of codependence between me and my uBPDm, and I also used some bits of validation and SET in our last difficult interaction. These are my small starts.

[HappyChappy]

Signs of healing are very small for me right now, but I am definitely way more in touch with my inner child, with my religious feelings, and with my partner about the existence of said "inner child". I have been more open with my T as well. I am far more aware of codependence between me and my uBPDm, and I also used some bits of validation and SET in our last difficult interaction. These are my small starts.

Every Ocean began with one drop of rain, so small progress is good, but what you list sound quiet significant. But the thing I keep remembering is that knowing isn't enough, we need to keep practising SET (for example) until we no longer need to think about it. Until it’s like riding a bicycle, intuitive. I find answering other people’s post helps practice these lessons.  But anyplacesafe, sounds like you’re trucking in the right direction, so I'm sending you a medal in the post. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Fie, I wanted to come back to answer your question:

Do you mean BPD also isolates because THEY want to be isolated (well, 'want', out of rejection 'before the other one rejects'?

Yes, your thought is correct. From the book Understanding the Borderline Mother, we read the following:

"The darkness within the borderline Hermit is fear. She suffers from acute persecutory anxiety, and spends her life warding off a nameless internal predator... .  Unfortunately, the Hermit mother pulls her children into her protective shell where she raises them in darkness, believing she is protecting them from danger that only she perceives... .The Hermit believes she is helping her children by secluding them from a dangerous world... .Abandonment may be more tolerable than rejection for the Hermit because of her ability to tolerate aloneness. Rejection is devastating because it represents failure."

Does that help to clarify what you were asking? If you grasp an understanding of this, does this offer healing for you? It is a big thing to grab ahold of!

 
Wools