Been a long time since I've been here...

[LoseMyself]

I posted here several years ago, but stopped due to my BPD daughter turning 18 and moving away.  Literally it was not my problem anymore... .until she moved back last October.

She moved to NY in Dec 2012 and gave me 15 hours notice.  She had been messaging some guy there who played the same online games as her.  She was with him until October of 2015 when she moved back and moved in with my mom and brother.  Things were pretty good until this week when she fell apart. 

Communication has pretty much been non existent for the past 7 years.  She's 23, almost 24 now.  Diagnosed BPD when she was 14 or 15.  In numerous hospitals, including one long term facility.  Numerous "suicide" attempts when she was younger.  Nothing that I know of prior to her coming back to my state.  Some family issues that led to stress for her recently and she is currently enrolled in college for the fall semester near me. 

It started 2 days ago now.  She took some cough syrup and a Klonopin for anxiety.  I texted her the next morning (not knowing what she had done) and asked how she was.  She responded with a text saying she was tripping balls dude and didn't know what was going on.  I figured something was going on and she told me what she had done. I "preached" to her about the dangers of mixing meds and she verbally acknowledged that she had screwed up and promised to never do it again.  I agreed to pick her up yesterday afternoon so she could spend the day with me and her younger sister.  Fast forward to yesterday and she wouldn't answer the phone, so I didn't pick her up.  So her younger sister (13) and I ran our errands and came home.  As soon as we got home, she calls... .

She then tells me that she had again taken cough meds and Klonopin, but this time she had taken 2 whole bottles of cough meds.  While talking to her, she was slurring her speech and couldn't focus on the conversation.  I attempted to tell her how dangerous it was to mix meds, to her promising to never do that again. 

I've been hopeful yet doubtful that she will even attend the first day of school.  Of course, I don't breathe a word of that to her... .she's been very methodical, almost robot like since she's been back.  Not much emotion, a smile here or there... .nothing that seems real.  Pretty typical of my BPD daugher. 

She's even forgotten conversations that we've had this week... .  I had already promised to pick her up for a medical dr appointment today or I would've cancelled due to the erratic behavior.  I drive 20 miles to pick her up and as soon as she gets in the car, she starts in on me about the lecture she knows is coming.  I try hard to keep my composure and not fall for her tricks... .it didn't last long though.  It's not long before she's blaming me for sticking her in this hospital or that hospital because, as she puts it... .I didn't wanna deal with her.  I lost it at this point... .I was furious.  We hadn't had this level of argument in quite a few years... .but here we were... .caught up in the dysfunctional circle again... .she's blaming me for everything under the sun and I'm defending myself.

She ends up telling me that she had my brother's handgun in her hands trying to find a reason to not put the gun in her mouth and pull the trigger.  Not good while I'm driving down the road... .  I lost it.  I tried not to, but I couldn't help it.  I told her that I couldn't stop her from doing harm to herself if she really wanted and she asked me if I would be ok if that happened.   

I couldn't deal anymore.  I asked her to please leave the car and leave me alone.  She tried to "make sure I was ok" (yeah... .like she gives a rip) and i called my brother as she walked away.  He assured me he would remove all guns and that I had nothing to worry about... .

Why do I still worry?... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[saphirewidow]

So sorry you are going through this.  I know it is hard to figure out how to handle things.  I think for me I would call for an ambulance if my child said they drank 2 bottles of cough syrup.  They can test her right there at the hospital and know if it is true and if she needs an inpatient admission.  It almost sound like she is asking for help with so many suicide threats.  She has made at least 3 possible attempts it sounds like in the last few days... .I think she needs inpatient help right now.  Suicide is never another person's fault... .it is the responsibility of the person who does it, but if someone is making those threats, I think I have to take them seriously.  I lost my husband to suicide and I have a son in a residential treatment facility because of suicidal ideation and multiple attempts.  It is a scary place to be when someone threatens suicide.  The fear and anxiety of not knowing if they will complete an attempt is terrible.  If she texts you a suicidal text keep it as evidence and call the police to get her some help.  That would by my best advice.